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5 Weeks in

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LdyD posted 3/24/2014 09:22 AM

My FWH had an online LTA first it was an EA then a PA, and back to an EA with our best Friend's girlfriend (they were 'on break' despite them having a 5 year old daughter together).

The OW started messaging my H on Facebook after his mother was diagnosed with stage 4 gallbladder cancer in 5/13 and passed away in 8/13. She preyed on his vulnerability and low self esteem. I blame them both, not just her.

The EA went on supposedly for 3 months before they met up 3 times in 11/13 for the OW to perform oral on him. They both swear that kissing and her performing oral on him was all they did. The PA stopped the week of Thanksgiving, but the EA kept going until D-day when our best friend found her (the OW's) Facebook messages and called me. My FWH deleted all of his messages when I looked at his.

My FWH seems very remorseful and we started marriage counseling 3 days after D-Day. We are talking more and showing more non-sexual (and sexual) affection towards each other and that feels nice. He will answer and questions I have, and seems to really be trying to support me emotionally. But it seems like I'm always the one to start talking, I feel upset that he finds it so hard to open up. He's made some progress. I suppose that's better than nothing.

We're working on R. Things are better between us, but I'm still an emotional wreck. It's been 5 weeks yesterday since D-Day. And I still can't force myself to do any work related projects.

justinpaintoday posted 3/24/2014 09:32 AM

So sorry you are here. I would imagine opening up might be difficult for H due to shame. If he is remorseful he will answer all questions to support your healing. Sounds like you are progressing very fast in the healing process. My WW and I started there to (sex, openess etc) As the weeks rolled on the reality hit and the grieving process progressed. Unfortunately we are in a bad spot now. I hope your progress will continue.

Make sure to spend time apart healing. You both need that, IC is critical

LdyD posted 3/24/2014 09:48 AM

I think that is what scares me. Progressing too fast. Sometimes I think we are, then sometimes I don't. I'm tired of hurting, tired of having good days, then taking a step backwards (or 2-3 steps back). He has been great. I'm also worried about that too. The it's too good to be true scenario.
I want to trust him again, it would be easier if I could!

I want to be able to focus on work, housework again. I feel like I've lost my mind because I still can not function properly. I'm still just going through the basic motions of caring for the kids. I get discouraged when I read that it can take years to get over an infidelity (or sometimes not ever getting over it.
I apologize for the rambling. That's pretty much my mind right now.

BdayDday posted 3/24/2014 10:18 AM

So sorry you have joined our club, LdyD. It sounds like you're doing as we'll as could be expected at 5 weeks post DDay. Everything must still be so raw and close to the surface for you.
I'm not sure many waywards ever open the dialogue to talk about the affair. It takes them to a place of shame and regret and takes us to a place of hurt and anger (there's a destination no one wants to purchase 2 tickets to go to!) I know my H has never been the one to initiate an A related dialogue.
I think at this early stage it is great that you're husband is talking when you need to and answering your questions. You are both probably relearning how to communicate with each other. Perhaps he is afraid he will cause you more hurt or pain if he talks about it and that's why he waits for you to start the conversation. Have you told him how you feel and asked him to try to be more open?
It sounds like you're both putting in the work towards R. Just wanted to give some reassurance, hang in there. Sorry for all you have gone through. Hoping it all pays off and you both find happiness.

LdyD posted 3/24/2014 10:53 AM

Thank you. I suppose I wasn't very clear. I don't expect him to initiate talking about A. Just his feelings in general about the loss of his Mother, etc.

To add to that loss, 3 years ago, I lost my Father (my Mother passed away 17 years ago),
in 11/12 we lost my H's Aunt that was more of a mother figure to him, then in 5/13 his mom was diagnosed and a week later a very close friend of ours (the girlfriend of one of my business partners) committed suicide. Since her suicide, the relationship between my business partner and I has been rough. Add to that, I was my MIL's caregiver, until I could no longer handle the pain she was going through. I feel that I failed her and my H (I found out post DDay that my H was resentful of me that I jumped in to care for her for, what he felt that I did out of obligation to him. Then when I could no longer handle it, he felt that his feelings were confirmed.)

Both of us have been struggling these losses in which we both buried inside of us instead of communicating with each other. I do take my share of responsibility in that part. I do not take responsibility for his A! I've been hurting and lonely too in our marriage, but I didn't decide to cheat. I have just recently stopped blaming myself for the A.

BdayDday posted 3/24/2014 12:22 PM

My goodness, so many losses to deal with and now the pain and fallout of an A as well. My heart goes out to you.

You are right, the A was completely not your fault. You were both dealing with a lot and he chose his own destructive path. It must be even more difficult given that the OW was the GF of a friend.

My H upped his EA to PA just weeks after my dear dad died. Just one of the many things I must accept as I feel I will never forgive. I think I read somewhere in my 100's of hours reading about affairs, that affairs are sometimes linked to times of personal loss. I'm sure there is still a healthy dose of selfishness, short sighted thinking and entitlement in the mix though.

I share your pain. R is not easy. Things will be great and then out of the blue - gut punch! Stay strong. No one knows where our journey will end, but we're on this bumpy, winding path with so many others.

norabird posted 3/24/2014 12:38 PM

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Time will help you and until then be good to yourself. It is very hard to get focus back for other areas of life when in the midst of this trauma, so try to just appreciative any small steps you're able to take during the roiling turmoil of your feelings.


LdyD posted 3/24/2014 13:52 PM

Thank you both. I'm so glad that I found this board for support. I know that I'm not alone, but I am alone when it comes to not having any friends in real life that I can talk to. It's nice to have you all here to talk to. I hope at some point that I will be able to share some insight and help others.

Both of my business partners are men, and neither of them have gone through infidelity. One of them has been happily married for 25 years and damn near takes my WH's side and downplays the A.

A little background on my business, I am in a male dominated business of being a mixed martial arts event promoter.

My WH is now wanting to be active with my business venture, he wants to work along my side after 6 years of watching me do everything myself with my two partners doing minimal work. It is nice that he wants to be supportive and work along my side, but at the same time... I'm not used to getting help or support. I don't quite know how to act. Or if I even trust that he will help. The one partner I mentioned above about his girlfriend committing suicide, has always said he'd help me with the fight cards, but never did. I'm so over the broken promises! I'm about to clean house and 'divorce' that business partner for a lack of a better term.

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