I'm actually considering his words! When I heard them before- I did give him a 2nd chance and he was out within 6 weeks. I want sooo bad to believe him! But I also have learned this past year that he can say these things and still consider his A separately, could still b seeing her!
How can I quit hoping that this time is different!?! Aarg!
You've done this dance before. Proceed with D. If you change your mind later then you can remarry. Did D is a dealbreaker for him when his infidelity is not for you then so be it.
There is no venom in true remorse whether in R or S/D. If(when) you see venom you'll know it wasn't true remorse.
If he has true remorse it won't matter what you do/don't do - he'll still do the work, he'll keep showing you remorse.
Don't let him bully you with his veiled threats. Tell me - who has been hurt here? Who ignored 18 good years and set a bomb off in your M?
Not you and not because you're proceeding with D.
Read and reread the Hovering thread. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828
Step back - let him knock himself out. Watch his actions.
I know you want to believe him - we all did. You wouldn't believe the lies I told myself.
This would be a third chance now. He already blew his second chance. What has changed besides the pretty words?
I posted my final S exchange a year after Final S - just look at how pretty his words were!! Look at how he reacted when he realised his manipulation tactics no longer worked on me.
A quote I read here once "Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve."
Telling me he's hurting and I'm ignoring 18 good years before his A.
ETA: don't actually ask him. Go NC with him.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:33 AM, March 24th (Monday)]
If he isn't falling over himself trying to meet those things the minute after you tell him, then it's just more cheap words.
I agree it's hoovering. I didn't read where he said a damn thing about your feelings and needs. But do the test above if you aren't sure. You'll know right away.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
If he really wants another chance, he will respect your decisions and quietly and with dedication set about showing why he can deserve you again. Words alone? Don't listen to them, you will regret it. Especially since he still only cares about HIS hurt instead of focusing on you.
-Send NC letter (that you read and approve)
-then complete NC-this also means a new job if they are coworkers
-He starts weekly IC and once he's progressed several months you'll consider if he's ready for MC
-Any and all tokens of the A are done away with. He loses things he used to facilitate the A, including any "friends" who aren't friends of the marriage
-Full transparency including passwords
-His full cooperation without complaint
-You and he will read out loud together whatever books seem helpful
-He learns to recognize and comfort you during your triggers.
-He is proactive is looking for ways to heal and rebuild your marriage.
When I heard them before- I did give him a 2nd chance and he was out within 6 weeks.
So this would be your WH's 3rd chance. Good luck with that.
I will NEVER give a cheater a 2nd chance again. If they can't be loyal the first time, I believe it's just part of their character to be disloyal. Guess I should change my user name to zero2ndchance.
Are you willing to spend another X amount of years looking over your shoulder?
The trust you had for him has been crushed; there's no fixing that.
If you take him back, IMO that shows him he can get away with it again.
Keep moving forward, he's not going to be a different guy. You can do this!
Unfortunately, I'm biased. I gave stbxwh a second chance 10 years ago. During R he was all that he was supposed to be. He begged, he promised, and his actions backed it all up. He kissed my ass for 5 years, then...slowly...very slowly, he reverted to the self indulgent man he had always been and went out looking for another ow.
10 years ago now, I caught my now XWH in an affair. He cried, went to counseling with me, cried there, made promises in the counselor's office, told me it was a huge mistake and that he would spend the rest of our lives making it up to me, went crying to friends and family, begging them to help him get me back.
I thought wow, he must really mean it! He must really love me! He must be so sorry!
I let him move back in on a trial basis. He scammed me, smooth talked me, and was the model husband for 6 years, right up until D-day with OW#2. I mean, he really kissed my ass. I thought, surely, he would not be capable of doing again. Oh, how wrong I was.
At the time, I thought "what if I always regret not giving him a 2nd chance?". Now, I regret giving him that 2nd chance. I would have been so much further along in my healing, my career, everything, if I had not let him back into my life after the 1st affair.
I've been on SI for over 10 years now. The amount of re-occurrence is astounding.
You are not making a mistake. Yes, it hurts, but I'm telling you that you will be so much further along later. Don't delay your healing. Start now.
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
Then I ask myself what am I fearing?
It usually turns out that I'm afraid - afraid to go out on my own, afraid I'll be alone forever, afraid of __________(fill in the blank).
I ask myself if I had just met this man in 2013 and he acted the way he does half the time, would I still want to date him let alone marry him and have kids with him?