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Eye Rolling

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GabyBaby posted 3/24/2014 11:14 AM

While listening to the radio on my way into work, I heard about a study that said something along the lines of:
The majority of relationships where a partner rolls his/her eyes at their mate regularly are doomed. Rolling your eyes at someone is a sign of contempt.

I thought about that for a bit.
I'm not aware of rolling my eyes often, so I had to think about the instances where I caught myself doing it (other than in a joking manner).

I rarely rolled my eyes at XWH until the last few years we were together. I think (now) it was a sign of how far gone I was and I'd reached the point of "no return" in that relationship.

I OFTEN roll my eyes when a particular coworker speaks. I can and will freely admit that I have nothing but contempt for this woman. There is very little about her personal life (of which she shares often and to anyone who will listen) that I find admirable.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 11:22 AM, March 24th (Monday)]

million tears posted 3/24/2014 11:19 AM

I roll my eyes at my WH once in a while. Mostly when he is being silly but sometimes when we fight or says something stupid. I don't think it happened in serious situations before the A. It does seem disrespectful.

rachelc posted 3/24/2014 11:22 AM

yep Gottman has done research on this and if it occurs in a marriage he can almost predict divorce. That and the other four horsemen: contempt (eye rolling), criticism, stonewalling, withdrawing... - I think I have that right but maybe not.

GabyBaby posted 3/24/2014 11:23 AM

I do remember hearing criticisn and stonewalling in relation to that study as well.

Wodnships posted 3/24/2014 11:32 AM

That study seems a little over the top to me. My father for instance is a master eye roller. He will roll his eyes at anyone and anything that he slightly disagrees with. Normally accompanied by a huge sigh. It's not contempt. It's how he deals with his frustration. And my parents have been together for nearly 40 years.

It's true that contempt will kill a marriage. It is also true that eye rolling can be a sign of contempt. But to jump from that to most marriages with eye rolling will end in divorce seems like a stretch. I'm pretty sure most people have rolled their eyes at their spouse at some point.

GabyBaby posted 3/24/2014 11:38 AM

I'm pretty sure most people have rolled their eyes at their spouse at some point.

I agree - we've all done it as SOME point, but often? Probably not.

I'm not saying the study is the end all to relationship indicators, but I did find it interesting (as I find human behavior in general).

AngelBetrayed posted 3/24/2014 13:41 PM

I find that I roll my eyes when FWS is being overly critical and perhaps our marriage is doomed. Not sur E I care

ajsmom posted 3/24/2014 13:48 PM

I don't remember doing it while we were married, but I sure do it now!


AJ's MOM

Credence posted 3/24/2014 13:53 PM

IMO it's all about context and intent. You can roll your eyes thinking 'sometimes you talk such nonsense' or you can roll your eyes while thinking 'I f'king hate your guts'. It's all about the thoughts behind the eye rolling and not the physical act of rolling your eyes. People express contempt in different ways and it's the contempt that kills relationships not body language.

GabyBaby posted 3/24/2014 13:57 PM

I don't remember doing it while we were married, but I sure do it now!

I think I've doubled my dose since divorce, AJsMom!

Wodnships posted 3/24/2014 14:19 PM

IMO it's all about context and intent. You can roll your eyes thinking 'sometimes you talk such nonsense' or you can roll your eyes while thinking 'I f'king hate your guts'. It's all about the thoughts behind the eye rolling and not the physical act of rolling your eyes. People express contempt in different ways and it's the contempt that kills relationships not body language.


That is exactly what I was trying to say, but said much more clearly. Thank you.

OutoftheDeep posted 3/24/2014 14:32 PM

I am conscience about not rolling my eyes because my ex cheater husband used to accuse me of that, and I do think it's ineffective and rude. Alhtough sometimes its called for and impossible not to do.

But when WH lies or gets to me, my thing is to look up, stare at the sky with utter perplexity and feigned patience, and take a deep breath. That gets him more than any eye rolling

Bikingguy posted 3/24/2014 14:40 PM

So we might survive her 15 year super LTA, but my rolling eyes is going to doom the M???

Lostinthismess posted 3/24/2014 15:50 PM

I don't recall ever rolling my eyes at my husband, in a serious manner, before he cheated. Pretty sure our gottman trained mc sees me roll my eyes at least 5 times a session Contempt would probably be the underlying thought behind me doing it. I honestly don't recall rolling my eyes at anyone else. Sad.

GabyBaby posted 3/24/2014 15:52 PM

Contempt would probably be the underlying thought behind me doing it.

I hear ya!
I'm not an eye roller by nature, but I swear just the sound of XWH's voice has my poor eyes rolling in my head like loose marbles!

Lostinthismess posted 3/24/2014 15:57 PM

I'm glad you posted this. It's something I'm going to try to be more aware of and what I'm actually thinking at the time. I'm not really a talker, but maybe I need to vocalize before I roll my eyes out of my head

CheshCat posted 3/24/2014 16:05 PM

Gottman's research seems to indicate that any Consistant response is actually an indicator that the marriage is strong. And that any new interaction may be rasping at straws, but is still a sign of strength. Even though it may seem dismissive/ unrimantic/ etc... That it shows a person is still paying attention to, and engaging with, their spouse.

Which would mean that

- in marriages where eye rolling is par for course, it would be the opposite of contempt.

- In marriages where it's a new behavior, the spouse is still trying to connect, and placing value in their spouse.

_______

Thinking on it... My XH's actions completely don't phase me. Yep. Jerk move. Totally expected. Whatever. Can't sanitize crazy.
My MUM, though, is still in he process of learning what an evil person he is / fighting against her own observations. She does all KINDS of reaction to his nonsense. Snorting, eye rolling, arm waving, etc. As if each new thing both surprises her, and she thinks there's some way to reason with the bloke that he'd see. Nope. Mum. Stop trying to make him make sense. He's evil. Expect evil, go about your day... Stop trying to interact with him in a normal way.

Cc

[This message edited by CheshCat at 4:10 PM, March 24th (Monday)]

totallyconfused1 posted 3/24/2014 16:18 PM

We have one of those books and I read that and thought "uh oh". My dh doesn't eyeball roll as much but lots of sighing.

But, his mother does that. Always sighs if she's thinking about something, working something out or whatever. It drives me bonkers cause I never know what she's thinking. Just sighs lots. So I realize dh has learned that from her.

I have mentioned to him and he's more conscious now of not doing it.

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