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Newest Member: BrnEyes777 (45750)

User Topic: Eye Rolling
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While listening to the radio on my way into work, I heard about a study that said something along the lines of:
The majority of relationships where a partner rolls his/her eyes at their mate regularly are doomed. Rolling your eyes at someone is a sign of contempt.

I thought about that for a bit.
I'm not aware of rolling my eyes often, so I had to think about the instances where I caught myself doing it (other than in a joking manner).

I rarely rolled my eyes at XWH until the last few years we were together. I think (now) it was a sign of how far gone I was and I'd reached the point of "no return" in that relationship.

I OFTEN roll my eyes when a particular coworker speaks. I can and will freely admit that I have nothing but contempt for this woman. There is very little about her personal life (of which she shares often and to anyone who will listen) that I find admirable.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 11:22 AM, March 24th (Monday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6691 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
million tears
♀ 24416
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I roll my eyes at my WH once in a while. Mostly when he is being silly but sometimes when we fight or says something stupid. I don't think it happened in serious situations before the A. It does seem disrespectful.


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yep Gottman has done research on this and if it occurs in a marriage he can almost predict divorce. That and the other four horsemen: contempt (eye rolling), criticism, stonewalling, withdrawing... - I think I have that right but maybe not.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5530 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do remember hearing criticisn and stonewalling in relation to that study as well.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6691 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Wodnships
42750
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That study seems a little over the top to me. My father for instance is a master eye roller. He will roll his eyes at anyone and anything that he slightly disagrees with. Normally accompanied by a huge sigh. It's not contempt. It's how he deals with his frustration. And my parents have been together for nearly 40 years.

It's true that contempt will kill a marriage. It is also true that eye rolling can be a sign of contempt. But to jump from that to most marriages with eye rolling will end in divorce seems like a stretch. I'm pretty sure most people have rolled their eyes at their spouse at some point.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 551 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm pretty sure most people have rolled their eyes at their spouse at some point.

I agree - we've all done it as SOME point, but often? Probably not.

I'm not saying the study is the end all to relationship indicators, but I did find it interesting (as I find human behavior in general).


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6691 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
AngelBetrayed
♀ 28579
Member # 28579
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find that I roll my eyes when FWS is being overly critical and perhaps our marriage is doomed. Not sur E I care


BW: Me 45
BH: Him 38
together 10 years, married 8
1 DD: 12
Confessed: February 26, 2010
PA 1.5 years with coworker MOW

Posts: 106 | Registered: May 2010
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't remember doing it while we were married, but I sure do it now!


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21104 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Credence
♂ 42682
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO it's all about context and intent. You can roll your eyes thinking 'sometimes you talk such nonsense' or you can roll your eyes while thinking 'I f'king hate your guts'. It's all about the thoughts behind the eye rolling and not the physical act of rolling your eyes. People express contempt in different ways and it's the contempt that kills relationships not body language.


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't remember doing it while we were married, but I sure do it now!

I think I've doubled my dose since divorce, AJsMom!


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6691 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Wodnships
42750
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO it's all about context and intent. You can roll your eyes thinking 'sometimes you talk such nonsense' or you can roll your eyes while thinking 'I f'king hate your guts'. It's all about the thoughts behind the eye rolling and not the physical act of rolling your eyes. People express contempt in different ways and it's the contempt that kills relationships not body language.


That is exactly what I was trying to say, but said much more clearly. Thank you.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 551 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
OutoftheDeep
♀ 42601
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am conscience about not rolling my eyes because my ex cheater husband used to accuse me of that, and I do think it's ineffective and rude. Alhtough sometimes its called for and impossible not to do.

But when WH lies or gets to me, my thing is to look up, stare at the sky with utter perplexity and feigned patience, and take a deep breath. That gets him more than any eye rolling


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 380 | Registered: Feb 2014
Bikingguy
♂ 38103
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So we might survive her 15 year super LTA, but my rolling eyes is going to doom the M???


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't recall ever rolling my eyes at my husband, in a serious manner, before he cheated. Pretty sure our gottman trained mc sees me roll my eyes at least 5 times a session Contempt would probably be the underlying thought behind me doing it. I honestly don't recall rolling my eyes at anyone else. Sad.


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2013
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Contempt would probably be the underlying thought behind me doing it.

I hear ya!
I'm not an eye roller by nature, but I swear just the sound of XWH's voice has my poor eyes rolling in my head like loose marbles!


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6691 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you posted this. It's something I'm going to try to be more aware of and what I'm actually thinking at the time. I'm not really a talker, but maybe I need to vocalize before I roll my eyes out of my head


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2013
CheshCat
♀ 27546
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gottman's research seems to indicate that any Consistant response is actually an indicator that the marriage is strong. And that any new interaction may be rasping at straws, but is still a sign of strength. Even though it may seem dismissive/ unrimantic/ etc... That it shows a person is still paying attention to, and engaging with, their spouse.

Which would mean that

- in marriages where eye rolling is par for course, it would be the opposite of contempt.

- In marriages where it's a new behavior, the spouse is still trying to connect, and placing value in their spouse.

_______

Thinking on it... My XH's actions completely don't phase me. Yep. Jerk move. Totally expected. Whatever. Can't sanitize crazy.
My MUM, though, is still in he process of learning what an evil person he is / fighting against her own observations. She does all KINDS of reaction to his nonsense. Snorting, eye rolling, arm waving, etc. As if each new thing both surprises her, and she thinks there's some way to reason with the bloke that he'd see. Nope. Mum. Stop trying to make him make sense. He's evil. Expect evil, go about your day... Stop trying to interact with him in a normal way.

Cc

[This message edited by CheshCat at 4:10 PM, March 24th (Monday)]


"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013


Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
totallyconfused1
♀ 42030
Member # 42030
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have one of those books and I read that and thought "uh oh". My dh doesn't eyeball roll as much but lots of sighing.

But, his mother does that. Always sighs if she's thinking about something, working something out or whatever. It drives me bonkers cause I never know what she's thinking. Just sighs lots. So I realize dh has learned that from her.

I have mentioned to him and he's more conscious now of not doing it.


Me - BS
Him - WS
DD Jan 8 2014

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 18

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