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What would you think??? WS/BS both!

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longnightmare posted 3/24/2014 11:28 AM

I know I'm a broken record, to anyone who has seen my posts. I'm so sorry for bogging down the forum AGAIN with a pitiful "give me input" post like this one again... but I really want to hear what anyone ELSE would think! Im feeling like im going crazy, my WH has lied about so much over the years, even just in the last few weeks, but SWEARS that NOW he is being honest, and i can believe him now. Pfft.

When he started seeing OW 3 years ago, they worked together and he tells me that they started talking more at work, having lunch together, it became more of an EA, started talking to her online and at home in secret, went out to a bar with her and they had a totally drunken kiss, then went out together a few more times but had no physical contact again. He left me when i confronted him, and continued to see her for a couple of months, going to bars, watching movies and spending the night at her apartment, he introduced her to his family, until he drunkenly confessed to her one night that he had loving feelings for her, she did NOT reciprocate and they drifted apart.

What i remember doesn't sit right with me vs his side of the story. When he started his "EA" with her, i do remember him turning his phone off often while he was at work, he made excuses as to why he had to work late or work through his lunch breaks, he never came to bed with me anymore, he stayed up late every night on the computer, he would leave the room or go outside whenever he got phone calls or texts, he started becoming obsessed with his appearance (hair always done perfectly, new clothes, watches, etc), started working out and for the first time since id known him he suddenly started shaving his downstairs. And none of this was for ME, he didnt even talk to me hardly and we NEVER had sex anymore.

He claims that hes only been with one other girl other than me before we met because hes very old fashioned and believes sex is a very intimate act that you dont just DO if you dont feel strongly for the other person. I asked him how/why then did he sleep with me the night we met (i know, my bad lol) and he says "well i knew i felt SOMETHING for you, and afterwards i knew i loved you!" But his entire story of the OW is that it was a very EA amd he felt a big connection, thought he loved her blahblahblah, so why WOULDN'T he have had sex with her??? I KNOW in my GUT that he is still lying, but it is 3 years later and i cant produce more evidence now, he SWEARS that it never happened and he doesn't know how else to prove it to me!

deena04 posted 3/24/2014 11:39 AM

BS here...trust your gut! Usually it tells us something (truthful or onto something anyhow). By the way, you keep venting all you need. It's not bogging anything down. :)

Allgoodnamesgone posted 3/24/2014 11:44 AM

I would assume he had sex with her and denies it just because he doesnt want to deal with the fallout from you knowing that.

GabyBaby posted 3/24/2014 11:44 AM

Trust your gut.
IMHO, you're still getting a pack of lies.

He left me when i confronted him, and continued to see her for a couple of months

If there's no sexual contact, why leave?

spending the night at her apartment

I find it HIGHLY unlikely that he slept at her apartment and they didn't have sex.

he introduced her to his family

Let's take a quick poll, shall we?
How many of us introduced someone we dated (not a platonic friend) to our family PRIOR to sleeping with them?

BtraydWife posted 3/24/2014 11:49 AM

but SWEARS that NOW he is being honest, and i can believe him now

Nope-trust doesn't work that way. He needs to be consistently earning it back over a long period of time. This is going to take years.

You are right to not believe him and he has made his own words meaningless with his lies and his actions. There is no way he can prove this to you, not now, and probably not ever. You have no obligation to believe or trust him.

spending the night at her apartment

I would NEVER believe he didn't screw her. Never.

well i knew i felt SOMETHING for you, and afterwards i knew i loved you
This part, I'm sorry, is bullshit. How does he think your relationship proves any sort of commitment on his part?

He slept with her. He doesn't sound like he's out of the fog at all. He is still lying to you. Is he in IC yet? That NEEDS to happen.

You really need to give him some consequences or he'll stick to his bullshit story. Tell him you know he's lying and you aren't interested in anything to do with him anymore. Tell him he's sad and pathetic and until he decides to make some big changes in his life and attitude he needs to get the f out. You deserve better than the bullshit he's trying to feed you.

charliboy321 posted 3/24/2014 11:54 AM

this bit leapt out for me;
"What i remember doesn't sit right with me vs his side of the story. When he started his "EA" with her, i do remember him turning his phone off often while he was at work, he made excuses as to why he had to work late or work through his lunch breaks, he never came to bed with me anymore, he stayed up late every night on the computer, he would leave the room or go outside whenever he got phone calls or texts, he started becoming obsessed with his appearance (hair always done perfectly, new clothes, watches, etc), started working out and for the first time since id known him he suddenly started shaving his downstairs. And none of this was for ME, he didnt even talk to me hardly and we NEVER had sex anymore."

my EWH did the exact same thing prior to me finding out about the OW and even after we divorced still swears he never slept with her before he left, trust your gut its rarely wrong.

cvs2kkids posted 3/24/2014 12:02 PM

I agree with all of the above.

But the truth is, he has an affair and it was physical. Does it really matter how far it went?

At this point, he needs to do what makes you feel better. I'll probably get attacked for this, but how much truth do you need? If you want all the gory details and can't accept the answers, then it's a deal breaker for you. If you can accept him at his word, then work on the process of R. But look to see if he's doing everything you ask.

If he is all in and does all that's asked, the details of the A aren't going to give you any more peace.

ETA: spelling

[This message edited by cvs2kkids at 12:04 PM, March 24th (Monday)]

mandala posted 3/24/2014 13:09 PM

He's full of crap. I can smell it from here.

You need to decide if his continued lies are a deal breaker for you. It would be for me.

His job now is to do whatever you need him to do to make you heal. He can earn little tiny pieces of trust back a little tiny bit at a time over the next few years. You do not have to believe him "NOW". In fact you CANNOT believe him now. Why in the world would you?

I'd say you were crazy for real if you DID.

Ostrich80 posted 3/24/2014 13:41 PM

Longnightmare....I think he's lying, I think it was pa. My ws said the same kinds of things, and also began shaving, " for me" although he wasn't even slightly interested in having sex with me at the time. He was also very private about his phone. It will be 5 yrs in Oct since our DD1 and he still has never confessed to a pa and.I.have no solid proof but I know 100% that it was pa because of his behavior. I'm assuming my ws won't tell because he thinks it would be a dealbreakee and he was afraid to tell me but the dealbreaker is actually 5 yrs of lying to me, that's what I cannot get past. Your gut is screaming because its trying to tell you what your heart is denying. That's my opinion.

steadfast1973 posted 3/24/2014 13:51 PM

My fwh swears he's shaved several times... but I know of one time. the day he went to see the whore. Shaving is uncomfortable... he was doing it for an audience... I'd say, he's lying.

Now, my fwh did NOT have sex with OW1. They spent the night together... BUT... I believe him... not because I trust him... lol... but only because him "not putting out" pissed her off, so bad she keyed his car, and sent a scathing email regarding her disappointment over their botched weekend. However... he had every intention of sleeping with her, he just fell asleep on the couch before they were able to be alone. (which he has now admitted)

hopefulmother posted 3/24/2014 13:54 PM

He can't prove it and you can't prove it. There will never be a magic ball to prove it, so....

...that leaves you where? Still questioning if you can commit without proof? Proof you will never get?

The question is not if he did it anymore.

The question is how long will you stay this way without the proof you clearly need, but will never get?

Is not knowing and questioning keeping you from moving forward? From committing? From forming the intimacy the relationship needs? Making you still feel estranged?

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 2:21 PM, March 24th (Monday)]

norabird posted 3/24/2014 13:55 PM

how much truth do you need? If you want all the gory details and can't accept the answers, then it's a deal breaker for you. If you can accept him at his word, then work on the process of R.

I agree. Of course he had sex with her; but the real question is where does that leave you?

BtraydWife posted 3/24/2014 14:02 PM

I'll probably get attacked for this, but how much truth do you need?

No attack but I think needing her WH to admit to sex with the OW is understandable and without it R isn't possible. How could you reconcile with someone who is still lying to you? That's not possible. He needs to own his shit unless she has decided to walk away.

It's not about peace, it's about truth. They can't R with him still hiding his truth.

He slept with this girl. Guys don't shave their privates and spend the night so they can watch cartoons, eat Cheetos and gossip all night. His lying is beyond ridiculous.

longnightmare posted 3/24/2014 16:01 PM

Thank you all for your input. I appreciate every comment, I DO feel like I can't move forward until he owns his shit and tells me the truth! I have even told him a few times that I wish he WOULD tell me they had sex, then I would feel like I knew everything and could work on R. He of course said "but if I told you we did it would be a lie!" he has stuck with the "never had sex" for so long and used that as a backbone for why I should trust him undoubtedly that if he told me NOW that he DID have sex with her it would tear everything he's said to this day to shreds. He's backed himself into a corner, where he knows that I know, but can't tell me. Even though I've sworn to him that his confession wouldn't be my exit cue we have our first MC tonight, and hopefully things get a little clearer to him soon

Tearsoflove posted 3/24/2014 16:52 PM

My husband swore they didn't have sex for 6 months despite the fact that she had gone to his hotel room and stayed over.

I sent an email to him with a list of reasons why it didn't make sense and told him that I was going crazy searching for the truth every day when he left for work until he came back home. I wasn't sleeping and was getting more and more hypervigilant. I felt like I was going insane. He came home from work that day and I knew he was going to tell me the truth when I watched him walk across the yard looking utterly defeated.

Where there is interest and opportunity, there is usually sex. If your spouse's behavior (particularly sexual) has a sudden change, there is usually sex. If the story you're being told doesn't make sense and defies logic based on what you know of your spouse and of human nature, there is usually sex.

Gipper posted 3/24/2014 16:59 PM

longnightmare,

Why haven't we met yet???? I'm not sure if I have answers for you, but I think I am married to your husband's sister!! Wish I could help you. Trust your gut.

CryingEyes posted 3/24/2014 16:59 PM

Have him take polygraph test. If he has nothing to hide, it sure wont be a problem to help you "move on".

NoMorDeceit posted 3/24/2014 20:12 PM

I second the polygraph. I bet you it doesn't even get to that. It didn't with my H. He also tried to play the I didn't have sex with the long term LTA partner BS. I knew it was BS and I finally said then we need a polygraph because I need to know for sure. I didn't want details, but how far their relationship went I needed the truth. He broke and told me before I even scheduled the polygraph, and ANY refusal to do one would have been a deal breaker.

I would tell him that is how he can prove it to you.

Deanna posted 3/24/2014 20:25 PM

My husband had an EA with a kiss. They were never alone. If they ever spent time alone I would never believe it wasn't more. Look an affair is an affair but for me, and it might just be me , it does matter if they had sex or not.

cantgetup posted 3/24/2014 22:14 PM

He's lying but bad thing is your in a rough spot. He knows you will keep him based on what he told you is the truth. There is no incentive at this point to telling you the truth now. You are stuck with having to stay with him KNOWING he has lied even though he knows you know. Or you leave knowing you are
Right but be won't admit. Not fun choices are
They? Sucks. I'm sorry.

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