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norabird posted 3/24/2014 12:48 PM

I don't blame myself for being cheated on and betrayed, I think, yet I still seem to give myself a hard time. About not being a good enough friend, daughter, sister, person (eating too much factory farmed meat, spending on myself instead of giving to charity), questioning my motives--am I truly empathetic and caring, or just playing a role? Almost anything you can think of, I probably have guilt over it.

Do others keep beating themselves up for everything under the sun? How do you stop and forgive yourself your imperfections on this journey?

7yrsflushed posted 3/24/2014 14:18 PM

I'm further out in the process but I no longer beat myself up. I actually think i'm pretty awesome, my problem is figuring out how to get other people to realize it. My telepathy doesn't seem to be working for some reason.

Seriously, I did some of the same things and it took time for me to cut myself some slack. We do the best we can with the information we have at the time. I tried to overcompensate in other areas because at the time I felt like I had failed in my M. At some point I let that stuff go and just decided to be myself. If it wasn't enough for whoever or whatever I was doing then oh well. You only get one life so cut yourself some slack and go enjoy it one day at a time.

Crescita posted 3/24/2014 14:33 PM

I’m very much this way, always thinking I could, or should, be doing better in, well, pretty much every regard. It gets to be oppressive and self-defeating.

I recently had a discussion with someone and they brought up values vs. intentions; we might all want a cleaner house, but if we can’t make it happen on a regular and consistent basis, it’s probably more of an intention than a value.

Now I think maybe I need to narrow my focus, let go of some of the intentions, appreciate how far I’ve come in things I value.

Relationships: friends, family, significant other; a little effort goes a long way, it’s okay to let go of some expectations
Work-life balance: doing pretty well here
Self-improvement: always in progress
New experiences: I have to let some old things go for this, I need to be okay with that
Healthy living: I’m healthy enough that it isn’t holding me back

Things that don’t quite make the value cut that I beat myself up over; a spotless/bigger home, more money to save, donate and spend, a more prestigious career, pursuit of advanced degrees, a constant productive utilization of time, learning, creating, and improving on any number of interests past or present. If I truly wanted these things I would make them happen, until then I’m going to let up on them.

HurtsButImOK posted 3/24/2014 14:52 PM

I am and always have been my own harshest critic. A technique my IC taught me was to be more compassionate with myself by changing out the 'I should' statements with 'its understandable that'. 'I shoulds' can set you up for failure.

An example is that I set myself goals to achieve at work daily eg get a report done. During the day when something comes up that is a priority requiring my immediate attention I don't finish the report. I start down the path of 'I should have been able to finish that report' ('cause you know I am superwoman and all ) which causes me to get down on my self and feel a failure. When I catch myself I remind me that 'its understandable that I didn't get the report done in the time frame I set as xyz happened and needed to be dealt with. I will do abc to complete the report'.

It's also when you accept things about yourself that the self flagellation lessens. There are some things we cant change, the other things are within our power to be the person we want to be.

norabird posted 3/24/2014 21:07 PM

I knew I would find wisdom on this. full of gratitude as ever to the community here for being so generous with their insights and struggles.

I think it may be some bargaining on my part--if I can be the perfect person, this won't happen to me again; if I had been perfect, maybe it wouldn't have. But it's not about me. I muddle through as best I can and need to muster up a little more forgiveness for myself.

MadeOfScars posted 3/25/2014 09:09 AM

I think it may be some bargaining on my part--if I can be the perfect person, this won't happen to me again; if I had been perfect, maybe it wouldn't have. But it's not about me. I muddle through as best I can and need to muster up a little more forgiveness for myself.

It's obvious you are a very caring and insightful person, so when someone does to you what has been done to so many of us here, it's hard to NOT find little ways to blame yourself. But...

But it's not about me.

Turn that "me" into "you," and you've given so many others here this same insight, and we are thankful for that I do know that it's easier to tell this to others and truly mean it, then doubt it when it comes to yourself. Was this somehow my fault, even a little bit? The answer is still no. It is admirable that you obviously look into ways to make you an even better you. Just remember you were never broken to begin with, so don't beat yourself up because someone else wasn't good enough for you.

I know, easier said than done sometimes. You are very strong, and it will get easier.