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I guess it wasn't for Better or Worse

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LeftOutintheCold posted 3/24/2014 15:01 PM

I honestly believed in our vows - for better or worse. My WH and I have no kids of our own, but he has two and I have one. Throughout the years, our kids have given us some issues. Some issues have been worse than others (police involvement, court ordered counseling both in home and out, running away...) And that was his kids. There were some really rough days years ago. Recently, my 22 y/o son moved back home with his current girlfriend and her 4 y/o daughter (not his). They had been kicked out of where they were living and nowhere else to go. I told them that night that this wasn't a forever setting and that they needed to work on moving on to their own place. This was last September. Both of them have some personal and mental issues that impede them from functioning well from time to time. There have been some days of awful turmoil in this house and I've hated it. There were days I hated coming home because I didn't know what to expect out of them. I kept trying to encourage them to get jobs and keep trying even when things seemed tough to them. They had a couple of jobs and have lost them. There are times and days that it seems like it's never ending.

Well, through all of this, I never once thought my WH was pulling away from me and this situation. I was by his side and even handled a lot of his kids issues on my own through those rough times years ago. I figured this was just another rough time that would pass sooner or later and we would just help each other make it through.

I've learned that he was talking to the OW about all of this and how much he hated being here at the house. I'm sure she encouraged his hatred. He told one of his coworkers that this situation here in the house is why he fell in love with the OW and left.

Why didn't he tell me?? He told me that "I'm hard to talk too and get too defensive" on the second day after dday. He has yet to tell me himself why he's done what he's done to me. I only heard it through the grapevine and I'm shocked that he didn't think that it would get back to me. I thought we were a team. I guess our vows weren't as important to him.

It's yet another knife being stabbed through my gut. How dare he talk to the OW about our personal stuff?? I'm so confused and feel even more lost than ever. He's gone but I'm still here with the existing situation of my son and his girlfriend. They have stepped up even more since dday and I'm so thankful that they've been here. I probably would not have even gotten out of bed if they hadn't been here to make me. They currently have a job that earns more than I do. Hopefully they'll be on their road to savings for their own place.

I feel like I'm in a downward spiral. I'm still left to pick up the shattered pieces of my life while he doesn't have to face anything that he left behind.

norabird posted 3/24/2014 15:40 PM

I'm so sorry. You honored your vows and helped him, while he took the first selfish escape he could.

This is not your fault. Please try to forgive yourself.

I'm sorry he lacks your integrity.

justinpaintoday posted 3/24/2014 17:46 PM

Left: It's still brand new. Not wanting to move is okay for awhile. I can't tell you how to stop spiralling since I broke down every few days and wept like I have never wept before. My wife went from holding me when I cried to declaring I was mentally unstable (despite causing the pain).

The worst part is not the affair, it's the callous walls the WS puts up to protect their egos after they're done detroying you. can get through this. We're all a team here and we'll stand by you as you struggle just like your posts are standing by us.

LeftOutintheCold posted 3/24/2014 18:02 PM

Your description is so apt: callous walls. He is a stranger to me right now and it's scary. Do you think doing a 180 will work with him being out of the house? It also feels like he started a 180 on me on dday...

justinpaintoday posted 3/24/2014 18:34 PM

Hey, I'm convinced my wife had to kill our M in her heart before she could even bring herself to do what she did. The saddest reality is the person before me and person before you is not the person we married. They remind me of the Russian eggs (pretty on the outside and hollow in the middle).

Sadly I actually feel sorry for my wife. What's it like to violate your very core principles? To break your covenant to God and the one person who would stand by you through everything, show a bad example to their kids, etc.

My wife is demonizing me right now and focussing on the negatives. I believe this is a defense mechanism. When she puts her walls down the shame hits her and she collapses. Sadly I think she would rather walk away broken than fight to be happy in the long run. I hope your husband comes to his senses and realizes the M is worth fighting for. Stay strong

LeftOutintheCold posted 3/24/2014 19:52 PM

You've hit the nail on the head on all of that. I think mine is just looking for all the excuses that will make him feel better for how awful he's done me. What he's done is something that we've had two of our friends have done to them and he raged for weeks over how dare their husbands treat them like that!! So, at one time, he had pretty strong feelings about betrayal. I don't know what happened. You keep strong too - you sound like you've got it going on, at least in your thought processes!!!

norabird posted 3/24/2014 19:58 PM

The 180 is really for you. To help you focus on yourself and build a healthier foundation no matter what happens. Let go of the idea of controlling him with your actions and start to control the one person you can--yourself. It will be so incredibly empowering to do so.

justinpaintoday posted 3/24/2014 20:07 PM

Thanks...but don't be deceived, I don't have a damn clue. How the hell do you prepare for this? My wife told me for 17 years "Don't ever cheat on me...if you ever do you'll lose me and the kids".

Honestly betrayal was my biggest fear in life. I was never jealous but I always knew it would destroy me. Wow I had no clue you could hurt this bad and not actually be dying. And then to see her look at me so cold and not want to do anything possible to save the M is agony. Makes you feel pretty small.

I am trying to focus on kids and work but I can't get away from that emotional "skinned alive and rolled in salt" feeling.

SeekingPeace84 posted 3/24/2014 20:27 PM

Wow I had no clue you could hurt this bad and not actually be dying.

Yes. This. So much horrifically paralyzing pain running through every nerve of every inch of your body.

LeftOutintheCold posted 3/24/2014 20:53 PM

You can't prepare for it. It is the worst feeling in the world ever!! I feel like I've been stabbed over and over again. There are times my heart literally hurts and it hurts to breathe. I want it to all go away, but it's just wishful thinking.

Norabird, you are right, the 180 is for me and my own well being. I'm learning that it's not a magic pill that will make my WH "see the light".

SeekingPeace - I am so sorry you are hurting too. At least, in here, we are not alone in our pain. We can help one another get through this nightmare.

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