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catwoman2014 posted 3/24/2014 20:35 PM

Hello, everyone. Thanks for reading.

I am 57, husband is 59. Married over 25 years. No kids.

He has been acting very strangely for about 3 months now. The classic stuff: secretive with cell phone. Working out. Obsessed with his looks. Gets annoyed when I come into his computer room. Unexplained absences; i.e., a trip to the store takes 3 hours. Very unpleasant to me at times.

Today, I found on his computer some instructional videos on sex positions, how to please a woman, stuff like that. They were downloaded a week ago.

Our sex life is nonexistent. A lot of that is my fault though.

His cell phone is on my account so I know there are no calls or texts. He does not have another one. He stays in contact with me during the day and while he is "out" on these excusions.

He is going through a midlife crisis. That much I know.

I think whatever it is is email based.

I am torn about whether to confront him or not. Do you all think this is enough evidence? The real dealbreaker for me was the sex stuff but I would have to admit I was snooping on his computer.

What should I do. I do not want a divorce. Thanks.

justinpaintoday posted 3/24/2014 20:47 PM

I say ask. May deny. I can't tell you how to snoop but if you know his passwords I would check next time he leaves. Good luck

LeftOutintheCold posted 3/24/2014 20:59 PM

There is a reason you are questioning his behavior. Follow your instincts. Our gut is smarter than our heads sometimes. You are his wife and have every right to be on the computer in your home. Husbands and wives shouldn't have anything to hide from one another. I'd look a little deeper if you can. Good luck and much strength. I hope it really isn't what you think it is...

SeekingPeace84 posted 3/24/2014 21:30 PM

Trust your gut! A couple of these signs could be just a coincidence, but everything together sounds REALLY fishy. Just ask. His reaction will tell you a lot.

spanz posted 3/25/2014 06:43 AM

"Our sex life is nonexistent. A lot of that is my fault though"

are you really so surprised that a man who is rebuffed from sex with you is going to seek it out with someone else?

There is a small chance he is studying up on sex to have better sex with you...so maybe time for you to pour on the sexiness??

refuz2bavictim posted 3/25/2014 08:03 AM

Welcome Catwoman2014

are you really so surprised that a man who is rebuffed from sex with you is going to seek it out with someone else?

First and foremost....you need to know that comments^^^^^ like the one I have quoted above are pure and utter garbage. You are not responsible for his behavior...HE IS and he alone. So please completely disregard those kinds of statements.

If your H has decided to pursue an A this is completely 100% his screw up, and nothing you are doing or have done, caused him to make that decision. IF he is in an A, he could have talked with you, suggested counseling, sex therapy, or any number of realistic solutions that a faithful committed married man would seek. An A, is not a solution to a problem in a M, its the addition of more complex destructive problems.

Now as far as the evidence you have, his behavior is a red flag to me. Definitely classic signs. Have you considered searching for a second cell phone, or getting into his email?

I think more concrete proof would be best. Especially if he is in an A...as you will need it to confront him. WW tend to deny to the very end, and sometimes even when presented with proof.

((catwoman2014))

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 8:05 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)]

LdyD posted 3/25/2014 08:16 AM

I say ask him! Go ahead and admit to snooping and tell him why you felt the need to do so! His actions warrant you checking on him! I know the fear of hearing something you already suspect is terrifying! I wish I would have trusted my instincts and suspicions 6 months ago, perhaps I could have stopped my FWH's A from happening. But then again I can't dwell on "woulda, coulda, shoulda's".

shiloe posted 3/25/2014 08:29 AM

are you really so surprised that a man who is rebuffed from sex with you is going to seek it out with someone else?
^^what a load of crap!^^^^ That is just a cold, cruel thing to tell her. Don’t believe it. You are beating yourself up enough as it is.
You guys are in late 50’s, together 25 yrs. There is NO excuse if he is involved in an A.
Funny how men seem to forget that they begin to have problems performing in older age and not just women, however, they would not want their W to use that as an excuse to f*#k another man.
Do not confront. You need more evidence. Get enough post’s here to gain access to the Investigative area here. If he knows you are suspicious he will just do better hiding it. You must have hard evidence or he will deny and blame shift. I have seen it over and over here. Please, keep your cool, you must become focused and in stealth mode. It may be nothing, but then it might.

so maybe time for you to pour on the sexiness??

Seriously!!?? And if he is in an A and then she finds out, she will feel like an even bigger fool.
You cannot “nice” or even “sex” a wayward from cheating. If he has been with someone else, he could pass on an STD.

Jduff posted 3/25/2014 08:37 AM

He is going through a midlife crisis. That much I know.

It's tough to determine if it is a midlife crisis or if it's a result an affair fog. Both behaviors are similar. One can trigger the other, and vice versa.

My opinion is to keep digging for more clues while he doesn't suspect that you are on to him. The more information and proof you can get, the better informed you will be to make some very important decisions down the road for yourself. You have EVERY right to snoop because you are taking steps to protect yourself from your husband's destructive behavior.

Our sex life is nonexistent. A lot of that is my fault though.

Also understand that if you have determined that he has or is actively having an affair, it is NOT your fault. If he was dissatisfied with how things were he could have manned up and had a frank discussion with you about it. Having an affair is 100% on him. He owns that sh!t in full.

Whether you want to go ahead and confront is up to you. Read up on some ways to do this in the healing library link on the left of this page. I only suggest you muster the strength first prior to confrontation. The more evidence and confidence you have, the better you can control and shape that conversation.


spanz posted 3/25/2014 08:39 AM

yes you can not "nice someone back", that is proven over and over on this forum and others. But you sure as heck can drive him away.

I am working on the assumption that he has not had a physical affair, and it is NOT too late for her to keep him monogamous...but at 50+ years and a sexless marriage or divorced...he has probably taken all he can at this point.

My assumption is based on her not finding any incriminating emails/texts. Just some "how to" sex info that could easily be for her own marriage. the "how to please a woman" may be his attempt at saving his marriage!!!

[This message edited by spanz at 8:43 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)]

Jduff posted 3/25/2014 09:01 AM

My assumption is based on her not finding any incriminating emails/texts. Just some "how to" sex info that could easily be for her own marriage. the "how to please a woman" may be his attempt at saving his marriage!!!

Spanz
I read where you were going with your previous statement. I think it came off quite a bit "raw" and I'm sure your intention was to help. But read catwoman's description of her husband's behavior again:

He has been acting very strangely for about 3 months now. The classic stuff: secretive with cell phone. Working out. Obsessed with his looks. Gets annoyed when I come into his computer room. Unexplained absences; i.e., a trip to the store takes 3 hours. Very unpleasant to me at times.

This is not indicative of someone is saving their marriage. If I thought things needed to be "spiced" up a bit I would have talked it over with the wife (and I have in my marriage) and we would look at sex positions "together". I think that's WAY more fun to do. But that's just me.

You're new here. I've pulled the submit trigger a bit quick when I was new here as well before re-reading my thoughts. No big deal. Let's all refocus on helping catwoman think and process things through.

norabird posted 3/25/2014 14:09 PM

Oh boy. I'm so sorry for you.

It will be hard to confront right now, because he will only deny, and you have no proof to force the issue. You may want to put a keylogger on the computer if you can get access, and perhaps put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car. That way if he has a secret phone or picks someone up you will know. This is definitely physical, given what you describe. You could also hire a PI. Extreme, I know--but without evidence, how are you going to get a straight answer? He'll only gaslight. Snooping is not a crime when you are being betrayed--it is the only way to get clarity and needs no apology. And he will have to become fully transparent if you are to R. No excuses about privacy, thank you very much.

I also want to gently say that a divorce, while not ideal, is something you should be willing to pull the trigger on IF he does not change and become remorseful when all is eventually out on the table. I say that because if it is not even an option, why does he have an incentive to change? He can stay forever having his cake and eating it too. For your own sake, remember that you can be happy independent, on your own; happier than if you stay only to be continually betrayed, certainly. While you wait to collect evidence, build up your own strength and self-confidence, perhaps by putting the 180 to use. (It can be found in the healing library in the yellow box to the upper left, under 'FAQ for BS'). Get your ducks in a row, and focus on yourself as much as possible; if something brings you joy, do it. If you can indulge yourself in any treats or pampering, do it. YOU are the only person who can be responsible for your happiness. That will empower you to survive this.

Breathe. You are going to be okay.

justme1264 posted 3/25/2014 14:27 PM

The best advice I can give is read every single word from The Healing Library first. Get a good sense of the situation you are in and be prepared.

You cannot control how he acts or what he has done but you can control how you react and THAT will mean everything when it comes to your healing.

trustagain posted 3/25/2014 16:00 PM

Please try and NOT confront until you have some more information. I made that mistake too many times and each time he lied, but in my heart I knew what he was doing.

If you can get into his email that would be great. Look for another phone or another charger. I found my WH's charger in his "man space" most of the time, but at one point I found it under the couch. Check all outlets in the house. Check his car.

Just keep your eyes and ears open. I once went to pick up his phone and he flipped out. I knew at that moment. Pretend your phone battery is dead and ask if you can make a quick call. See his reaction.

It is hard, but try not to confront until you have a little more information.

Peace to you!

Lovedyoumore posted 3/25/2014 16:20 PM

Look for those magic little blue pills or their cousins. At his age he may have been offered them at a physical by your family doctor. Sometimes they sample first to make sure they are tolerable. Look for apps that hide phone contact that will not show up on your bill. Look for chat activity that could be located on gmail accounts, google, FB, etc. Ask to trade phones for a day or hide it just to see his reaction. Have his email activity linked to your account so you get his emails also.

Maybe you will find nothing, maybe you will find everything or maybe you will head it off at the pass, but you will never regret looking.

catwoman2014 posted 3/25/2014 17:11 PM

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. I appreciate your advice and thoughtfulness. I a am not offended at the idea that if he's not getting it at home, of course he's looking. That's just common sense.

I didn't know there were apps that would hide your calls and text messages!

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