I found e-mails between them.
I can relate to you. I have a heart condition, pretty chronic migraines, a very weak immune system, and struggle with anxiety and night terrors. My WS didn't come out and blame my health for his choice to cheat, but he did say he would have left me 6 months ago if I was healthy. I was relatively healthy when we got married, but circumstances changed and I have struggled to keep up with all the changes.
[This message edited by SeekingPeace84 at 9:19 PM, March 24th (Monday)]
My wife has MS. Very similar symptoms to Lyme disease. She was the WS not me. Just because you are sick doesn't mean you deserve to suffer more. again I'm sorry.
Married 5 years. Dating 9. Living together 8.
If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world
- Harry Chapin
We seem to have similar stories and are at similar stages in our process. I found out about the cheating 4 weeks ago. His claiming that is was "JUST EMOTIONAL", as if that excused the entire thing. My EX is a POS liar and I am still struggling everyday with these feelings even after 4 weeks. My EX and I had been together for 8 years and I was NOT sick when we first started dating.
I cannot e-mail you privately on here because I have not posted enough on the boards, but just wanted to see exactly what went on in your situation? IT helps to know we are not alone in this.
your WH is blameshifting. don't fall for it. Regardless of your illness, if he couldn't handle taking care of you, he could have asked for a divorce.
(HUGS), so sorry you have to go thru this too!!
[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 7:47 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)]
Personally I believe I progressed from just plain old achy joints to a full blown psoriatic arthritis like illness. I had managed to keep it somewhat under control but with every single stressful event of my life it get progressively worse. Just last week I saw my rheumatologist and now am bein forced to start meds, as my hands are becoming deformed and now have sjogrens or a variation thereof. It sucks.
Please for this reason be sure to put yourself and your needs first in this process. Make you top priority. Try to minimize the stress to you and by all means share what you are dealing with with your treatment team. They have to know.
On your behalf, I simply refuse to accept that your illness caused him to cheat.
Was it stressful? I'm sure, mostly for you and also for him. Life has stresses. Marriage has ups and downs. A broken person deals with those things by cheating, instead of healthy positive behaviors. So - is it a reason for him to cheat every time something big bad and horrible happens?
Does he then grant himself a pass to cheat because " poor me, big bad life is not being nice to me and I know I promised to be faithful but when the sh*t hit the fan it's every man for himself?"
What about if his parents die? He loses his job and has to declare bankruptcy? He gets cancer? He is robbed at gunpoint and beaten? Or whatever awful thing could happen. Is that a reason to cheat?
And, finally, your stress and difficulty in a actually being the one who is ill must have been/must be through the roof . You did not cheat.
While I have not lived your situation, as a part of my career I interact with many chronically ill folks and their families. Being a caregiver is difficult, it is stressful, it can cause burnout and difficult feelings. He chose to cheat when there were many other, better choices he could have made to deal with his feelings.
I too have chronic illness, arthritis in all lower body, just before DDay, i was fighting the hospital to allow me to have knee replacement as i couldnt cope with the pain no more. Hospital refused which made the depression worse.He had just had surgery too and he waited till after i had nursed him and helped him to recover.
I know i was miserable around that time and was probably not nice to live with. But my WH knew when he met me that I had joint problems and when they started getting worse I offered him the chance to leave and find someone else. He refused.
When Dday happened i actually asked him if it was due to my illness he said no. I still thought it was my fault. Now though i realise it wasnt my fault and with or without my illness he wouldve gone anyway.
So please dont allow him to blame your illness, in sickness and health are part of the vows that we all took. He chose to throw them vows away. he is fully to blame for his choices, we all have things that are difficult to handle, and we dont go out and cheat.
When I was a student I worked in a nursing home, a woman in her 50s developed severe dementia. She lost the ability to work and could not hold a conversation. Every day her husband came in with her favourite coffee and sat by her bed until night time, feeding her and helping to shower and dress her, this went to for years until she died.
So no, your illness did not contribute to his fuckwittery, he made that decision on his own as he is a broken person.
I have had hormonal problems which affects my menstrual cycle and meant my libido was quite low. My husband seemed upset that he wasn't getting as much sex as he wanted and seemed to partly use this to justify getting kicks out of flirting with another woman.
However, none of those personal health issues, or even underlying relationship problems, justify a person choosing to cheat. The responsibility (and blame) for the choice to cheat rests with the WS 100%.
Your illness is NOT the cause of your spouse's infidelity. Sure, it may be a challenge within your relationship - all relationships experience challenging circumstances at times. It's not a valid excuse.
Lots of love.
DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R
Frenchmoxie I agree with everyone else your chronic illness didn't cause him to cheat, and you didn't push him into the arms of OW. That was his choice and his alone.
I also agree and stress it 100%.
I have chronic Lyme (since 2008...after his EAs) - he never cheated on me during my illness. After D-day, I left him and he went to IC and we went to MC for 2 years. Therapy made him a different man. When he is frustrated with my illness, we talk about it. He has been there for me through a year of PICC line IV antibiotic therapy, brain fog, pain, malaise...etc.
When he was broken, however, he cheated on me when I was helping my mom (my brother is autistic) when my dad was in the hospital for a long term stay. I was not home often. Read my profile...it explains everything.
My point is, when someone is broken, they will find a way to shift the blame onto you (it could be your illness, someone else's, the wind blew wrong, whatever) instead of facing their own demons.
Anyway, I married my husband knowing he had a rare heart condition from birth. It was likely he could die at a young age. One doctor suggested 50 as his likely life length @ age 35 when he began having severe health issues again. ..following open heart surgery at age 16 (thanks doc! Think it's a coincidence he is so unhappy & making severe changes in life now at age 48?!).
I was the wife who sat bedside, helping the nurses day & night. I slept in the chairs overnight, I nursed him while running our home & taking care of the kids without much input from him. ( For years... through joblessness & bankruptcy, through distancing. I understood he was wrapped up in fear& pain. I was too. He always came first. Finally his health improved, or at least stabilized.
10 years ago I became very ill. I wad unable to drive, dress myself, cook, finish a sentence. I went to doc after doc, went through test after test. After 1.5 years I had no solid answers. I heard everything from "it was in my head" to " heavy metal poisoning". My hands clawed, My hair what sold grey, I had unbearable pain & numb/tingly areas. It was awful and I was so frustrated/scared/ angry/depressed I actually sat with a .357 in my mouth one afternoon. He took me to the docs, but was frustrated with my depression (you'd think he'd understand... but I'm a natural pessimist & he BELIEVES himself a very positive person. DD& I disagree, but he gets upset whenever we say he's not) & my "giving up" on going to docs since they couldn't medicate nor diagnose me &
get me comfortable again.
We fought about that often. That and that the house was getting dirty & the kids schedules falling apart, I wasn't "positive" or "fun". He once told me
"he was sicker than me& managed to hold a job & keep his shit together".
I told him it wasn't a contest & that I was very ill, even if not as ill as him. He's STILL never acknowledged that I'm actually chronically ill.
So, i went to one final specialist, art my family's insistence. Finally someone believed me, listened, & kind of put two & two together. Turned out I had near fatal B 12 vitamin deficiency, 2 slipped disks that were pinching my sciatic nerve, a destroyed hip joint, as well as Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis & the hell of something called Ankylosing Spondylitis.
Just a couple of issues. I was told 3 years ago by one of the top specialist in my area that I'll need a caregiver in as soon as 3 years. A year after hearing that he bails. I mentioned i thought that was pretty fucked up at the time he gave me the ILYBNILWY speach.Even separated I still sit beside when he had surgery. 3x. I even asked him once, " so where are your "friends"? if I love someone you couldn't keep me away! Not one of them showed up, or even called.( Ironically that was our 26th anniversary). Now even the OW who I thought then was only a friend. Says a lot about them imo...
but if we do D, that's one thing I will no longer do. I will sit with my kids in the waiting room, but he will no longer have the comfort of my love, concern, during. I cry writing that... because it's do shallow. But I don't get the reverse benefit, nor even any appreciation.
Let him see what he threw away.
[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 3:43 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]