Plus, do I continue the 180 when he says he's cut things off with her but still isn't committed to R? I've only asked a few questions, but now that the shock is wearing off, there's a TON more that I want to know. And I'm not sure if I just subconsciously am using his NC to stop doing the 180, if that makes sense. I'm confused!
I am 4 weeks into my own mess and have implemented the 180 a week ago, but I still have so many unanswered questions. To be honest, when he was cooperating with me and my questions, his answers were not at all satisfying. He was and most likely IS STILL so confused and lost that even HE did not know the answers to my questions. I still feel the need to have more pieces of the puzzle, but am realizing now that I may not ever get these pieces and am working on trying to be OK with that.
[This message edited by frenchmoxie at 9:42 PM, March 24th (Monday)]
I found e-mails between them.
You get to feel what you need to feel, but try not to give that energy to him. No tears, no anger. The calmer you are, the more it resonates with them. You will look and feel like you have the power.
Justinpaintoday, writing down my questions is a great idea. I think it would also help to practice asking them without emotion, so I can maintain control when the real conversation happens. And don't think that because you're new to this that you don't have valuable advice! Your input was very helpful to me! Thank you and big (((((hugs)))))) as you heal.
Frenchmoxie, you gave me a lightbulb moment! I realized that the reason his answers are so unsatisfying is because HE doesn't even know the answers yet. He's still in the middle of it (and the fog) and isn't thinking clearly yet. That is very insightful. Thank you for that! Best wishes and huge (((((hugs))))) to you in your journey to healing!
Jrazz, I think I need to re-study the 180 and customize it to my healing and my journey. Emotion is the key (or lack of it, I suppose). As long as I contain and control my emotions around him, I can get the answers I'm seeking. But as Frenchmoxie said, I might need to wait longer if the answers just aren't clear yet. Thank you for your help!
And lastly, I'm constantly humbled and honored by so many people reaching out to me, while still struggling with their own pain. Thank you from the depths of my heart. Every person who has reached out to me has applied healing balm to my wounds. Truly, this is a place of comfort and safety and I'm so thankful to have found it. I feel very blessed!
I'm so sorry you are here. I wish for you the best outcome.
2 weeks ago I broke NC and actually talked through the issues.
I suppose ours is a bit different, as we have kids so there is some contact, still. I don't initiate, I only respond. This time, I initiated. I asked, I got what I wanted, I re implemented 180.
It worked for me, and honestly I think I got what I needed for MY healing. You see on D day I kicked him out. No questions, he got home from work his stuff was packed waiting for him and I refused to talk to him. So I had things I needed to say. I had to be heard....
I do not want R, I never did.
SadMumma, I think I might break NC to ask my questions, too. Without the answers I want I feel stuck in an emotional rut and my thoughts just keep circling around and never go anywhere.
Thank you all for your input, support and advice!
None of us want to be in this position, but thank heavens we have this to help support and encourage one another. It's nice to know we're not alone in our feelings and our struggles to put our lives back together.
I still have so many questions that I need answers to FOR MY HEALING. People that I have spoke with about this are like "why do you even want to talk to him? just move on" but its easy for them to say when they are not in this situation. So... I know the feeling and am struggling with maintaing NC or breaking it to ask for answers.