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Torn between getting details and the 180

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SeekingPeace84 posted 3/24/2014 21:06 PM

I'm currently implementing the 180, and I've been able to avoid contact for a while with the exception of a phone call two days ago (it's so hard!). But now all these questions about his A are coming up.

Plus, do I continue the 180 when he says he's cut things off with her but still isn't committed to R? I've only asked a few questions, but now that the shock is wearing off, there's a TON more that I want to know. And I'm not sure if I just subconsciously am using his NC to stop doing the 180, if that makes sense. I'm confused!

justinpaintoday posted 3/24/2014 21:34 PM

You are certainly in pain for which i am sorry. I would certainly write down all the questions u have. There are some in the healing library o believe. I believe as long as there is hesitation to R u should continue 180 but i would wait for wiser replies

frenchmoxie posted 3/24/2014 21:42 PM


I am 4 weeks into my own mess and have implemented the 180 a week ago, but I still have so many unanswered questions. To be honest, when he was cooperating with me and my questions, his answers were not at all satisfying. He was and most likely IS STILL so confused and lost that even HE did not know the answers to my questions. I still feel the need to have more pieces of the puzzle, but am realizing now that I may not ever get these pieces and am working on trying to be OK with that.

[This message edited by frenchmoxie at 9:42 PM, March 24th (Monday)]

Jrazz posted 3/24/2014 21:55 PM

180 doesn't necessarily mean No Contact. It means no emotion. Find a way to ask a question or two like you are collecting evidence for the prosecution.

You get to feel what you need to feel, but try not to give that energy to him. No tears, no anger. The calmer you are, the more it resonates with them. You will look and feel like you have the power.


SeekingPeace84 posted 3/24/2014 22:27 PM

Thank you all for the swift replies!

Justinpaintoday, writing down my questions is a great idea. I think it would also help to practice asking them without emotion, so I can maintain control when the real conversation happens. And don't think that because you're new to this that you don't have valuable advice! Your input was very helpful to me! Thank you and big (((((hugs)))))) as you heal.

Frenchmoxie, you gave me a lightbulb moment! I realized that the reason his answers are so unsatisfying is because HE doesn't even know the answers yet. He's still in the middle of it (and the fog) and isn't thinking clearly yet. That is very insightful. Thank you for that! Best wishes and huge (((((hugs))))) to you in your journey to healing!

Jrazz, I think I need to re-study the 180 and customize it to my healing and my journey. Emotion is the key (or lack of it, I suppose). As long as I contain and control my emotions around him, I can get the answers I'm seeking. But as Frenchmoxie said, I might need to wait longer if the answers just aren't clear yet. Thank you for your help!

And lastly, I'm constantly humbled and honored by so many people reaching out to me, while still struggling with their own pain. Thank you from the depths of my heart. Every person who has reached out to me has applied healing balm to my wounds. Truly, this is a place of comfort and safety and I'm so thankful to have found it. I feel very blessed!

Jrazz posted 3/24/2014 22:34 PM

Awww sweetie. It's what we're here for.


peoplepleaser posted 3/24/2014 22:54 PM

Though I agree that there us more freedom in contact with the 180 than we originally thing when first implementing it, I remember sticking to the idea that any contact that set me up for more hurt or pain was off limits. As such, I asked no questions about the EAs during that time. I'd had enough blameshifting and lies by that point that anything WS told me would hurt. Ultimately, until WS commits to R you have no power or influence, and there is no motivation for being honest. If you ask now, you set up an opportunity to fail later if WS lies. Later in R WS will have to choose to uphold the lie or come clean, making R more difficult by you understandably questioning the real truth. Focus on boundaries to protect your emotions and empower your independent journey toward healing. Until WS commits to R with a demonstrated commitment toward providing what you need to R, such as transparency, openness to questions, remorseful behavior, NC, MC or IC (whatever you decide you need), I recommend steering clear of any emotional exchanges or context with even indirect emotional attachments. It's not easy, nor will you get it right all of the time. That's what helped me.

I'm so sorry you are here. I wish for you the best outcome.

Teabelly posted 3/25/2014 02:14 AM

Omg this sums me up too. I know that implementing the 180 is the wisest move for me - but I'm like a jack in the box, my questions, anger, overwhelming grief and pain just boil up inside me until Pop! The spring is sprung and my big mouth has gone bluerghhhhhh with crap and stuff and WH withdraws even more. The 180 sounds amazing on paper. I just can't seem to get it in my head to do it. Plus as my WH is still "foggy" despite going to IC and MC, he himself doesn't know what he wants, and doesn't know answers too. So I'm trying to work on a day at a time, the right here and now, using calming techniques when I feel the anxiety building again. And I'm trying to smile! Hard though when I cry so much. Hugs to you x

Sadmumma posted 3/25/2014 04:23 AM

I am 7 weeks out....

2 weeks ago I broke NC and actually talked through the issues.

I suppose ours is a bit different, as we have kids so there is some contact, still. I don't initiate, I only respond. This time, I initiated. I asked, I got what I wanted, I re implemented 180.

It worked for me, and honestly I think I got what I needed for MY healing. You see on D day I kicked him out. No questions, he got home from work his stuff was packed waiting for him and I refused to talk to him. So I had things I needed to say. I had to be heard....

I do not want R, I never did.

SeekingPeace84 posted 3/25/2014 16:05 PM

Teabelly, a jack-in-the-box is such a perfect description for the emotional ride we're on! People have described it as a roller coaster, but on a roller coaster you can see the twists and turns coming. A jack-in-the-box just springs out of nowhere, sometimes scaring the ever-loving snot out of you! Lol

SadMumma, I think I might break NC to ask my questions, too. Without the answers I want I feel stuck in an emotional rut and my thoughts just keep circling around and never go anywhere.

Thank you all for your input, support and advice!

LeftOutintheCold posted 3/25/2014 16:28 PM

While I have no great advice right this moment, I just wanted to say that I so completely resonate with what you are saying and feeling. And with what the others have said here too...

None of us want to be in this position, but thank heavens we have this to help support and encourage one another. It's nice to know we're not alone in our feelings and our struggles to put our lives back together.


SeekingPeace84 posted 3/25/2014 17:40 PM


million pieces posted 3/25/2014 17:46 PM

I know I felt the same way, but let me tell you, my ex lied, lied, lied those first few weeks. Not sure you can trust any answer at this point.

frenchmoxie posted 3/28/2014 00:35 AM

I had a similar scenario. I found his emails with OW and then I kicked him out of the house. We did end up meeting at Panera Bread about 5 days after that to discuss some things but he was still in the FOG and barely said anything, it was me talking the whole time. The silences were awkward and I did not get many answers. We spoke on the phone again, about 1.5 weeks after I kicked him out, but without speaking FACE to FACE, I think that it is easier for them to lie, which I think he did while we spoke on the phone. Things ended up taking a turn for the worse and he said some really harsh and hurtful things to me that has resulted in 2 weeks of NC.

I still have so many questions that I need answers to FOR MY HEALING. People that I have spoke with about this are like "why do you even want to talk to him? just move on" but its easy for them to say when they are not in this situation. So... I know the feeling and am struggling with maintaing NC or breaking it to ask for answers.

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