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sisafehouse posted 3/25/2014 01:47 AM

Hello everyone,

I'm too nervous to actually talk about the whole sordid thing, but could anyone answer those questions?

A little background.

Dday 03/03/14

My WS had three one night stands when out with friends and drunk. Two in Paris, one where we live. One two years ago, the other two a year ago. The last two he claims he couldn't get hard, so just left. The first he chugged down a red bull to do it. Because he felt so disgusting, but at the same time wanted to f**k because it was so complicated at home and he didn't feel wanted.

I can sort of understand. We are young, living alone in a foreign country for our studies with no family around. I followed him here, btw. I had a bit of a depression at first and also had chronic thrush problems and a womb kist that made intercourse painful, so it didn't happen very often. I even forced myself sometimes, to the point of crying after, so as to not neglect him (on dday he told me it was the worst feeling in the world, to watch me cry like that.)
While he complained about the lack of sex, he never shared his feeling unwanted with me.

Not only did he choose these three other women for comfort, he lied to me for a whole two years since the first one. There were many opportunities to come clean, but he only did it after he broke up with me and I went to fight for our relationship. I actually went to his apartment, all movie like, just to be told he cheated three times and how guilty he felt and how much he loves me and he would do anything to repair the relationship.

And I feel so stupid! One of the OW actually called once, about four months ago. Since he always keeps names and surnames, I thought it was weird it only had a first name. I let it go though, choosing to believe him when he said it was just a girl he had met with friends. Well, he met her all right, intimately even.

And it pisses me off because when he failed his studies three years in a row, I was the only one that didn't judge him, that was there for him, encouraging him. Heck, I washed and ironed the clothes he was wearing when he did the nasty!

While he has a tendency to withdraw into himself and has done what he has, he is a good person, so funny and sweet and caring. (Showed up at 2am after I hung up the phone to cry alone a week ago). I believe him when he says he is sorry and he loves me and he seems so determined to make it work now.


Will the whole truth help? I mean, getting the details of the encounters etc? My imagination cannot separate sex in our couple and what he did with them. All I see is them (three different girls in mind how nice) grinding against him in the club, and him smiling, happy and being all sweet with them. Making love when he gets to their flat, the way he does to me. He keeps saying it wasn't the same, but won't give any details. Not the same because he loves me. But in my mind, he chose them over me, their body over mine. And loved their body like he did mine. I feel there is nothing special about our sex life any more, as if it's all sullied. He keeps saying it wasn't like that, but won't give me details. And my imagination is just going haywire.
Why would she call him back? No 3, whom he couldn't get it up with, called him six month later, he said no. Why would she call him a year later? It just doesn't make sense. Girls would you call back a guy who didn't get it up?
How do I not loose my mind? I can't sleep, eat or function properly at the moment. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and going insane. No matter what I do, in or out the house, I'm going crazy.
Why do I feel like our entire relationship is one big lie, that every good memory is now tainted? He tells me he was truly with me during those times, but how could he?

Please help. I don't have anywhere or anyone else to help. I know it's not as bad as a marital affair, and it's just one night stands but it cut me deep. Any help would be most appreciated and thank you for taking time to read this.

swank posted 3/25/2014 06:43 AM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My advice would be not to ask a lot of detailed questions. Knowing the answers won't make you feel better, I promise. I found some explicit web forum messages my bf posted with lots of details and they still make me sick to think about months later.

You're still in shock, give yourself some time to settle down and think clearly before you make any big decisions. I feel for you, I really do. But again, making him tell you details really isn't going to help anything. Find out why it happened, find out if he's remorseful and wants to change. Try to look forward, not back.

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/25/2014 07:17 AM

Well, I'm sorry you find yourself here.

The good thing is that you're both very young (I'm presuming) because you're both going to college. So thankfully, you're not encumbered with a marriage to him with 2.5 kids, a house and a mortgage, a couple of car loans, shared family/inlaws, a picket fence and a family dog.

That means you have way more options than most of us.

You can ask for details but the truth of the matter is that cheaters lie. They lie and deny, and I find it very hard to believe a young, hormonal college guy 'couldn't get it up' when he had a willing female partner right there in front of him. And that it happened twice. Highly, highly unlikely. If you read here long enough, you'll see that most guys make this ridiculous claim to their wives when asked about the physical part. Some even go so far as to claim they 'threw up' afterwards.

Just because he didn't choose to become involved with his 'partners' doesn't mean it's any less of a travesty.

Just know that you probably won't get the real truth from him.

Good luck to you.

ultracrushed posted 3/25/2014 09:02 AM

Hi sisafehouse,

I'm sorry for your pain.

I'm a guy and immediately when I read your WS explanations of "couldn't get hard, so just left.. chugged down a red bull to do it..felt so disgusting" I call BS.

Thats just him trying to pass the pill with some sweetener. I'm sorry.

If he isn't willing to be committed to you and to run around town taking girls in clubs then he really isnt someone you should invest your life in (I'm assuming also that you are younger).

You should confront him, tell him your feelings and guage his reaction.

Ask him "If the opportunity arose tomorrow, that you were in a club, some hot girl wanting you and I would never ever find out, what would you do?"

sisafehouse posted 3/25/2014 09:15 AM

Hey everyone. Thank you.
Swank, How do you resist it though? It's driving me insane! Like a scab I just have to pick at until it bleeds raw. How on earth do I make this stop?!

ultracrushed and neveragain2013, you might be right. The idiot is a great liar too... But we have been together for four years, and other than the cheating, we know each other better than anyone. Some very dark little secrets that would make our lives a living hell if anyone found out. you know, little things you can only tell that one person?

I know it's crazy but we both feel like we have this invisible bond that binds us together. And i want to forgive him because we can have something really special. If i don't go insane first, because i haven't slept in 24hrs, or eaten and all i can think about are three different womanly parts hanging over my head.

How do you make the videos stop?! Please, please tell me how to make it stop! and is it normal to feel turned on as well? I didn't see that in the library...

Sadmumma posted 3/25/2014 09:15 AM

Ask him "If the opportunity arose tomorrow, that you were in a club, some hot girl wanting you and I would never ever find out, what would you do?"

He would probably lie.

Honey he is not giving you the entire truth. He is minimising. Playing down his actions, to minimise his guilt.

This is nothing to do with sparing your feelings, but minimising his guilt.

I dont think you need to know every little detail of the meetings. To be honest, I doubt you'll get it. You know enough to know he's been unfaithful, with n idea of timings.

Maybe write yourself a list. Of things you do want in the relationship (including trust / fidelity), and then work out what WB can do to provide that for you. One of those things might be 'no boys nights out'. How will he handle that. Would he be prepared to sacrifice those for the good of the relationship.

I dont believe I'm going to say this (maybe its the tiredness talking) but ONS, although devastating was obviously alchohol induced and not as bad IMO as an intended and ongiong affair. To me, I could attmept R after a ONS but not an intended ongoing affair IYKWIM.

ultracrushed posted 3/25/2014 09:35 AM

I know about dark little secrets. But dont let the fear of these cloud your reasoning.

How many times does he need to walk all over your invisible bond before it breaks?

He either commits and stays faithful or doesnt.

norabird posted 3/25/2014 11:10 AM

I don't think you need all of the details to heal and move forward, necesarily. But I doubt that his indiscretions were really only ONSs if one of the women called so many months later, unless perhaps she needed to tell him about an STD result. That is the only 'innocent' explanation for a phone call.

Has he given you access to his phone records and email? I would ask for transparency to make sure there is not more to the betrayal than he is saying.

The decision to R is yours, but it should only be made once you can confirm you know the full extent is no more than what he has divulged. I know that when I found out about my ex's cheating I took him at his word far too much and did not investigate or press for access. I would have been better off if I had done that.

Take care of yourself and hang in there. You are going to be okay no matter what.

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