I'm too nervous to actually talk about the whole sordid thing, but could anyone answer those questions?
A little background.
Dday – 03/03/14
My WS had three one night stands when out with friends and drunk. Two in Paris, one where we live. One two years ago, the other two a year ago. The last two he claims he couldn't get hard, so just left. The first he chugged down a red bull to do it. Because he felt so disgusting, but at the same time wanted to f**k because it was so complicated at home and he didn't feel wanted.
I can sort of understand. We are young, living alone in a foreign country for our studies with no family around. I followed him here, btw. I had a bit of a depression at first and also had chronic thrush problems and a womb kist that made intercourse painful, so it didn't happen very often. I even forced myself sometimes, to the point of crying after, so as to not neglect him (on dday he told me it was the worst feeling in the world, to watch me cry like that.)
While he complained about the lack of sex, he never shared his feeling unwanted with me.
Not only did he choose these three other women for comfort, he lied to me for a whole two years since the first one. There were many opportunities to come clean, but he only did it after he broke up with me and I went to fight for our relationship. I actually went to his apartment, all movie like, just to be told he cheated three times and how guilty he felt and how much he loves me and he would do anything to repair the relationship.
And I feel so stupid! One of the OW actually called once, about four months ago. Since he always keeps names and surnames, I thought it was weird it only had a first name. I let it go though, choosing to believe him when he said it was just a girl he had met with friends. Well, he met her all right, intimately even.
And it pisses me off because when he failed his studies three years in a row, I was the only one that didn't judge him, that was there for him, encouraging him. Heck, I washed and ironed the clothes he was wearing when he did the nasty!
While he has a tendency to withdraw into himself and has done what he has, he is a good person, so funny and sweet and caring. (Showed up at 2am after I hung up the phone to cry alone a week ago). I believe him when he says he is sorry and he loves me and he seems so determined to make it work now.
Will the whole truth help? I mean, getting the details of the encounters etc? My imagination cannot separate sex in our couple and what he did with them. All I see is them (three different girls in mind how nice) grinding against him in the club, and him smiling, happy and being all sweet with them. Making love when he gets to their flat, the way he does to me. He keeps saying it wasn't the same, but won't give any details. Not the same because he loves me. But in my mind, he chose them over me, their body over mine. And loved their body like he did mine. I feel there is nothing special about our sex life any more, as if it's all sullied. He keeps saying it wasn't like that, but won't give me details. And my imagination is just going haywire.
Why would she call him back? No 3, whom he couldn't get it up with, called him six month later, he said no. Why would she call him a year later? It just doesn't make sense. Girls would you call back a guy who didn't get it up?
How do I not loose my mind? I can't sleep, eat or function properly at the moment. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and going insane. No matter what I do, in or out the house, I'm going crazy.
Why do I feel like our entire relationship is one big lie, that every good memory is now tainted? He tells me he was truly with me during those times, but how could he?
Please help. I don't have anywhere or anyone else to help. I know it's not as bad as a marital affair, and it's just one night stands but it cut me deep. Any help would be most appreciated and thank you for taking time to read this.