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Is it normal for WS to turn into a different person with the OP?

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Duskpearl posted 3/25/2014 01:59 AM

Reason I ask is that not only does my WH look different (to me) but he seems to have had a personality transplant as well.

He is spending his money like water & some weeks is spending more than he makes. He was generally known as a tight a$$ & was very conservative with his money but he is paying for everything now.

He was not much of drinker & would drink beer at get togethers but now he is right into his wine. At 43 I would have thought that it's a bit late to be acquiring a taste for wine if he hadn't already?

He is eating out most nights (he did not like eating out that often) & eating at places he would not have eaten at normally.

It goes without saying that he no longer has a moral compass. The OW has even stayed over at his deceased mum's place, which I think is highly immoral given his father cheated on his mother & there he is bringing the OW to her home!

They are spending weekends away & we rarely did that as he would rather sleep in his own bed. We did travel OS often but that was my doing. He was happy to just stay home.

I guess I'm asking because I'm now questioning whether my WH is like a chameleon who seems to morph into the woman that he is dating which means that he has no mind of his own & therefore will never ever be happy. Everything we did together was my doing, paying bills, domestic chores, holidays, home improvements etc. His only contribution was "it's up to you" no matter what I asked him! Like FFS he even got her the same charm bracelet that he got for me as a gift - only difference is that I had to give him the idea (as he can't think) yet here he is impressing the OW with the same gifts he got me! Can he sink any lower?

Any feedback on your experiences would be great. Maybe I need to check out the WS section?

Sadmumma posted 3/25/2014 04:15 AM


My WH , who HATES chicken has a new found love of BBQ chook.

Oh, plus tattoos (he hated them too now he wants a tribal band around his upper arm)

And music... Cos he had to like the same music as 20 something ho worker.

And for a man that I tried for 16 years to get out of sweatpants .... NOW he doesn't wear them... *rolls eyes*

And don't forget the hair.. We reckons he's going to get a pattern shaved into the side of his head. He is a poster boy for a mid life crisis.
(He even tried to buy a sports car before Christmas lol)

Duskpearl posted 3/25/2014 05:01 AM

Sadmumma, glad to know I'm not the only one! My H also said that my sister & BIL have too much of an age gap (about 13 years) BUT he is 12 1/2 years older than his ho worker!! Oh & he did not get on with his sister because of the 6 year age gap...

Well, it's official - I just had my first proper IC session & my H is as I suspected SIMPLE! I got that answer when I asked the counsellor doesn't my H have any shame to buy the OW the same gifts he got the wife.

hopefulmother posted 3/25/2014 12:10 PM

Yes, at least that is what my WH claims he was.

I just think it is what he truly is like. Like how a drunk says what they really mean when their inhibitions are gone. sick of hearing. "That wasn't me. I didn't even feel like me."

LA44 posted 3/25/2014 12:21 PM

My fWH says that when he now thinks of himself during the A, he imagines it is similar to watching yourself caught on camera during a drunken stupor.

I am glad to have the REAL man back and better then ever.

selfrespect911 posted 3/25/2014 12:44 PM

It's like LA44 said.

My H turned into someone completely different. He had to ostracise me, his parents, his sister, his friends, EVERYONE in order to give steam to this affair. It scared me before I realised what was happening - you question everything about the person you married, even before discovering the A.
And when he made the EA into a PA, it got even worse. He had no one in his life but her. He nearly lost his job. He lost control of himself completely.

After NC, he said often he doesn't feel like himself. No shit, Sherlock. You AREN'T yourself -- or rather, I should add, he is a version of himself: one with no self-control, sense of consequence, destructive, no love, or compassion, etc.

He was drunk on excitement, on lust. He was absolutely addicted to the secrecy of it, as long as he could ignore the person it turned him into, and the consequences of it. It was a happy little Affair Bubble for him. That I burst. In a few different ways. Now he is having to face his life crisis, his anxiety and depression, all the personal demons he tried to ignore for years. And he has to look back at the Disgusting person he let her turn him into and face it as a reality of his decisions.

He is working to repair all the relationships he ruined. But I think he's still struggling with reconciling the person he let himself become in his darkest days, and who he thinks he is. He is very lost.

In the month I had moved out, every time I dreamt of him or tried to picture him or think of memories, I actually couldn't even properly picture him. My brain could not connect the man I married with the man he turned into. In fact, in most cases, I could only ever picture my ex (from years ago, who was a horrible emotionally abusive, destructive man that cheated on me in lots of ways and I put up with). I found that unsettling because my H is nowhere near the abusive disgusting person that my Ex was but I still found myself comparing the two.

(Of course, this is because his A started not due to me being distant, or any direct problems in our M - it started because of his emotional hangups and anxiety problems that he never had to face up to until I moved in. But I think the WS being 'drunk' on their A is pretty accurate for most cases).

[This message edited by selfrespect911 at 12:50 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)]

Lovedyoumore posted 3/25/2014 13:31 PM

He became the person he wanted to create for her. She got the lusty, young, hip version of him. I have always had the repressed, mature, old version of him, even 30 years ago. She got his undivided attention. I got whatever was left over after he had done every thing else. She got hot 2 hour sex twice a day. I got rapid fire sex that was not worth the 10 minutes it took. She got wined, dined, and constant love messaging. I got a lot of time alone with very little communication. She got his love, admiration, and real caring. I got his indifference, contempt, and careless attitude.

Physically, he let his hair grow, became a vegan, shaved his privates, started drinking Merlot, started smoking pot, became very thin, and started dressing like a shabby professor. He has no muscle mass left and his face is not the same.

LeftOutintheCold posted 3/25/2014 15:26 PM

Yes, yes, yes!!!!

My WH is a stranger to me. Turned into one over night on me. Even his tone of voice with me is different now. Mine became an absolute fitness freak, even telling me at times (before dday) what I should or should not be eating that's healthy. He started drinking more and more.

Yours is 43 y/o, mine is 40 - I totally believe in midlife crisis's now.

Duskpearl posted 3/25/2014 15:57 PM

I actually heard on the radio last week that doctors now believe that MLC is real & hits at the age of 42 (exact age my H weird behaviour started). I think any age in the 40's above is the age.

My IC thinks my H is the same person but that his behaviour has changed with the OW. I still think it is weird. Of course it has me thinking that when he was with me for 12 years that he wasn't who he wanted to be & that now he is with the OW he is the person he wants to be?

All these unanswered questions is doing my head in

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