So now I feel like shit. I can't stop crying. I'm gonna be late for work. My son is gonna be late for school. I feel sick. I feel like I want to punch the walls and throw up at the same time. If this is the right decision why does it feel so awful?
Why couldn't he have cared enough to stop hurting me when I still loved him enough to stay?
Focus on what you need to do (work and getting son to school). There are the immediate concerns and the more long term concerns. Unfortunately the A and the long term issues take a very long time to work out (whether you R or D). However, luckily the immediate concerns take precedence because they need to be dealt with now. It will get better...
The truth is I don't really want to D him, but I know that I can't forgive him, and there just isn't a third option. Believe me, I've searched for one so deperately.
And through all these years I've kept my son doing well in school, and kept a full time job, and just kept on surviving with no point left to my life. The day-to-day things just matter so little to me anymore. I'm just in too much pain to care.
I just want life to be easy again. And I know that won't happen again for a very long time, if ever. That hurts.
I don't like who I am, and I don't like who I was. I need to somehow figure out who to be, and I don't even know where to start.
It's coming up on 4 years in October. When does it start getting better?
I gave you more than I ever got back
You left me here to forget about that
All the things you thought you had have gone
Let that be a lesson to you
-Richie Kotzen, "Special"
And there is a way forward, too, in finding out who you want to be without him. Check in New Beginnings for ideas and support, and in Divorce/Separation too.
I'm sorry you have come to this point. One day it will be behind you. Take comfort in that.
I agree with Nora (the wise one in my opinion) the M is probably done. But YOU are not. You're still young with a child to love. Believe me forgiveness is tough and it can be argued I did it too fast, but you don't forgive for them, you forgive for you. So you don't have to bear their damage. good luck
I just wish I knew where to go from here. I'm in IC, in fact I see a therapist and a psychiatrist. And I'm on a pretty high dose of AD's. That's my parole from my suicide attempt last year. I don't think either one are helping. All I've really learned from them is that they're really, really good at telling me what not to do, but when I ask what I should do, they tell me that's my decision. Well, if I could make that decision, I wouldn't ask them, would I? Besides, if I'm too crazy to know what NOT to do, how am I well enough to know what TO do? At least I have good enough insurance not to be paying them out-of-pocket.
It's time to go home from work now, and I don't want to. I want to take my son and my mom and run away to somewhere warm and never talk to anyone else ever again. And a mojito would be nice.