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My_Name_Is_Alice posted 3/25/2014 07:24 AM

I realized last night that I just can't forgive WH. It's just too much. I don't want him to be happy. I want to be happy watching him suffer. But watching him suffer doesn't actually make me happy. I want him to pay a debt to buy his way back into this marriage. But there doesn't seem to be any way for him to do that. And I just can't let him back in without that. I already feel stupid for still being married. If I let this go without getting anything in return I will feel like a complete idiot. And I certainly can't be happy in a marriage where I feel like a complete idiot. So I can't see any other conclusion but that it's over.

So now I feel like shit. I can't stop crying. I'm gonna be late for work. My son is gonna be late for school. I feel sick. I feel like I want to punch the walls and throw up at the same time. If this is the right decision why does it feel so awful?

Why couldn't he have cared enough to stop hurting me when I still loved him enough to stay?

Ivyivy posted 3/25/2014 09:19 AM

Sending you strength. We all have these days/weeks. There is nothing that you can do about the pain creeping back in. I have the same thoughts/issues all the time. All I can do is hope that eventually I learn to deal with these issues/address them or move on.

Focus on what you need to do (work and getting son to school). There are the immediate concerns and the more long term concerns. Unfortunately the A and the long term issues take a very long time to work out (whether you R or D). However, luckily the immediate concerns take precedence because they need to be dealt with now. It will get better...

My_Name_Is_Alice posted 3/25/2014 10:02 AM

Thanks, Ivy. I wish this was just a few days or even weeks. This feeling has been months in the making. My WH's ONS was in 2010. It's a very long, crazy, stupid story. I really should have pulled the plug a long time ago. I just really loved him so much. I do still have some love for him. I wish I didn't cause that would make the D decision so much easier.

The truth is I don't really want to D him, but I know that I can't forgive him, and there just isn't a third option. Believe me, I've searched for one so deperately.

And through all these years I've kept my son doing well in school, and kept a full time job, and just kept on surviving with no point left to my life. The day-to-day things just matter so little to me anymore. I'm just in too much pain to care.

I just want life to be easy again. And I know that won't happen again for a very long time, if ever. That hurts.

I don't like who I am, and I don't like who I was. I need to somehow figure out who to be, and I don't even know where to start.

It's coming up on 4 years in October. When does it start getting better?

Whalers11 posted 3/25/2014 13:28 PM

Honestly, it sounds like this was a deal-breaker for you. And that's okay. There are just some things that people do that are not forgiveable to us.

norabird posted 3/25/2014 14:19 PM

I'm sorry. It will probably get better after you move on from the M. But of course first there is the pain of it ending. It's okay to mourn that. It's okay to be conflicted and sad. You are only human and you have done your best.

And there is a way forward, too, in finding out who you want to be without him. Check in New Beginnings for ideas and support, and in Divorce/Separation too.

I'm sorry you have come to this point. One day it will be behind you. Take comfort in that.

justinpaintoday posted 3/25/2014 14:28 PM

Alice: My opinion only...go to IC for you. Don't let the selfish actions of a selfish spouse define who you are. If you end up bitter it will be worse.

I agree with Nora (the wise one in my opinion) the M is probably done. But YOU are not. You're still young with a child to love. Believe me forgiveness is tough and it can be argued I did it too fast, but you don't forgive for them, you forgive for you. So you don't have to bear their damage. good luck

My_Name_Is_Alice posted 3/25/2014 17:52 PM

Thanks everyone, I really needed help today.

I just wish I knew where to go from here. I'm in IC, in fact I see a therapist and a psychiatrist. And I'm on a pretty high dose of AD's. That's my parole from my suicide attempt last year. I don't think either one are helping. All I've really learned from them is that they're really, really good at telling me what not to do, but when I ask what I should do, they tell me that's my decision. Well, if I could make that decision, I wouldn't ask them, would I? Besides, if I'm too crazy to know what NOT to do, how am I well enough to know what TO do? At least I have good enough insurance not to be paying them out-of-pocket.

It's time to go home from work now, and I don't want to. I want to take my son and my mom and run away to somewhere warm and never talk to anyone else ever again. And a mojito would be nice.