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i dont like our M counselor...

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longnightmare posted 3/25/2014 08:21 AM

I've never been to MC so I have no frame of reference, but I don't think he's gonna help with R. I was hesitant going in just from reading his approach on his website, and maybe I'm being too quick to judge whether or not he can help...

During our first session last night, he began telling us he has two questions he likes to ask up front: What brought us to MC and what will be our goal that will let us know we're done with MC. Not outrageous to ask, but stillwasnt making me feel good. And when he asked us if WE had any questions for HIM, I gave him a load of questions regarding things you all have told me were important things to ask (his ratio of MC patients, his own personal views on handling infidelity, books he has read on the subject, and his overall approach). His answer was that he is "solution oriented" and generally does not visit things that have happened in the past, but works on future goals, unless of course we insist about talking about past incidents in which case it's our dime. we both told him that it IS important that we revisit the A and other past events, and the session was going alright, until we got to a point where WH and I hit the brick wall we always hit, him saying yes he's lied a lot but he's not lying NOW, and me saying I would be an idiot to ignore my gut and blindly trust him. The MC then piped in and said to me "I think you're at a point where you can either BELIEVE what he's saying to be the truth or not. Is there any possibility in your mind that what he's saying is the truth?" I wanted to walk out!!!!! I feel like, because my husband set the appointment and he's a VERY smooth talker, the MC already has "chosen sides" I guess... his ending comments for our session were for me to allow WH to have "cool down/time out" periods when we talk about this where I allow him to walk away and collect himself, and that we limit talking about the A and our trust issues to 15 minutes per day.

longnightmare posted 3/25/2014 08:25 AM

Oh and I forgot to mention, he kept asking me after WH and I would start the same old "this is why I don't believe you" argument, the MC would stop us and ask me "what is it that you're hoping to achieve? What can be done for you to actually trust WH again?" I feel like WH just got a sidekick to tell me this is my own problem that I need to solve on my own!!!

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/25/2014 08:29 AM

Where did this guy get his license to practice therapy - at WalMart?

What an idiotic statement, "you're at the point where you either believe your husband or you don't believe him." Such wise and sage advice. Jeez.

I don't think this guy is for you. But he's sure the guy for any cheating, lying husband who wants to have a paid 'professional' help him do his rug-sweeping.

Chrysalis123 posted 3/25/2014 08:37 AM

Trust your gut. A therapist has to fit, and this one doesn't fit you.

I couldn't do MC with my ex. He was a smooth. lying, manipulator. I went to IC instead and that helped me tremendously.

BtraydWife posted 3/25/2014 08:40 AM

Don't go back.

Honey-really it's much too soon for MC. Your WH isn't ready. He cheated because of problems within himself, not because of problems in the marriage. MC is for marriage problems. He needs to address and resolve those issues in himself before he can work together with you in MC.

He needs to be in some serious IC for a long time before you will be ready for MC.

MC with an unremorseful WS has the potential for more harm than good. You got a taste of that last night.

Stop-don't go back. He needs to sign up for IC and make many changes before MC will work.

itainteasy posted 3/25/2014 11:09 AM

I'd find another counselor.

getnbtr1 posted 3/25/2014 11:28 AM

His technique is appropriate for the solution-focused therapy he practices. He told you both that he hones in on how to help you solve the identified problem and reach an agreed upon goal. If you feel that spending a lot of time examining the past and analyzing the affair is something you both need to do, then you should find someone else who will guide you through that. It seems like you both have different goals for therapy as well, which adds to the challenge. His job isn't to pick sides, its to help you both achieve your therapeutic goals. He sounds like a good, solid therapist for that modality. It just might not be the right fit for you if you at this time. Focusing on your belief that your WH is lying may be important, even essential, for you, but definitely is not a solution-focused goal. Find someone who offers more supportive therapy :)

tushnurse posted 3/25/2014 11:31 AM

OK so your H's A wasn't recent from what I gather in your profile, and being some years out, I can see the counselors point KIND OF.

However - I think that for a M to heal from this it takes a WS admitting they were wrong, and an attempt on their part to halfway understand the depth of destruction and pain they have created, if they don't "get it" then MC is really a waste when it comes to dealing with infidelity.

I do think that this question:

What can be done for you to actually trust WH again?"

Is legitimate and you really do need to be able to answer it so that your H has some direction on what he needs to do to heal, and help you heal from his A. IN addition he needs to be doing anything and everything he can to show you he is all in, and if he isn't then you are risking being hurt again and again.

A really good MC will make you both leave feeling unsettled, and with a lot to think about. Not just questioning your communication methods, but behaviors that impact you, and how your behaviors impact him. We only went 3 times, and after every single one we had a blower of an argument/tormented discussion after. But we also were really looking at the things that were and were not working. Me being horribly codpendent, and he being conflict avoidant helped us learn to communicate better, but at the end of the day the real issue was him my H figuring out what the hell was so broken in him that he sought out another woman, or thought the path of D would make him happier. He was the one that was broken, and needed to do the work.

If you feel ganged up on in MC then it will do you NO good, and may prevent your H from doing the work. If your H however felt like he was questioned, and needed to reconsider his actions/communication etc then it may be helpful.

BtraydWife posted 3/25/2014 11:41 AM

But her husband isn't remorseful. It doesn't matter how long ago it was.

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