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I dont know what to do

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ultracrushed posted 3/25/2014 08:42 AM

A few weeks ago I found out that my wife is having a "cyber" affair with a guy in another country (and another timezone) who is 14 years her junior.

I really haven't been the best husband, and on top of that I have neglected my wife for some time.

We have been married 15 years and have 3 children.

We live in a foreign country and my wife doesn't work. I'm also in the process of losing my job.

I noticed that she was talking with her new "friend" a lot, smiling in a way I only saw her smiling at say romance films.

She also started (and continues)to stay up late at night or get up in the middle of the night (like 1am to 7am when the family wakes)

So I started digging.

The more I dug, the more painful it was, her telling him that she truly loved him, telling him and others that he was her twin flame, her soulmate.

About 3 weeks ago when my wife was sleeping after one of her all night sessions on the PC I noticed the guy was online and confronted him. He didnt deny what had happened and started to try and give me lessions on how I should have been a better husband. I remained calm and asked him to disappear.

That same morning I woke my wife and confronted her, telling her I knew what was happening.

At first she denied it all and then over a few hours she confessed, but said that most of all he is an important friend and that she didnt want to let him go. That it is my fault for neglecting her.

A couple of weeks ago I took the Reconciliation/Rug Sweeping table and the NC Letter example and asked her which column she thought she was in and that if we were ever to get through this she would have to stop all contact with the guy. She said that she couldn't do that and that if I loved her I would let her have space.

Last weekend I ignored her all weekend and concentrated on the kids.

She still keeps staying up at night, going on different sites and talking with him. Having Skype calls with him in the middle of the night. All in secret.

I confronted her again last night and told her that I want to rebuild our marriage, that I want to be a better husband, that I love her and the kids, but that the first step needs to be her breaking contact with the guy and her and I trying to rebuild. Otherwise we would need to talk about D, but that would have some really hard impact on us all.

She got really angry, told me her heart was dead to me, that the guy is mostly just a friend, a very important friend that she needs right now. That she isn't sure if we can rebuild, that it would just be the same bad marriage again.

I told her that she was in the fog of the Affair, that if she wanted to try and make our marriage work she needs to not be talking to this guy all night, every night.

She said that she couldn't lie to me (lol) and that when she was truly remorseful she would tell me but at the moment she doesn't know what is wrong with her, but she needs to keep him as a friend.

Again she stayed up all night talking to him.

I asked her this morning to show me some of the messages they exchanged on a site, she refused and said "well he will be a friend" and then logged in when I wasn't there (obviously to clear out any bad messages) and then said "OK you can see". I refused to look as I knew the truth anyway from her reaction.

Its difficult in this country to just "file for D" you need to go through a Lawyer, Courts etc. and it costs $$$$.

I don't know what to do, my wife says she needs space and time and if I cant give her that then I am just bullying her into a corner and she will lie and cheat again.

What do I do? I need a clear set of future steps)
How long do I leave the situation in this limbo?

Its killing me. Sometimes I cant breathe.

Uhtred posted 3/25/2014 09:16 AM

I'm not the best for advice but I'll give you my opinion. Although it appears that there hasn't been anything physical your wife is wanting to sit on the fence. She made a promise to you when she married you. She is openly hurting you now.

I'd say you need to take the 180 and use it. Perhaps even ask her to move out. Once she realizes all that she'll be losing it may pull her head out of her ass. Remember that none of this is your fault. It's her bad choices that got you to where you are today. Your 50% responsible for the marriage but she's 100% responsible for the affair.

Sorry you found yourself hear friend. Others will chime and you'll get some great advice.

ultracrushed posted 3/25/2014 09:29 AM

Thank you Uhtred.

Unfortunately if she moved out she would have nothing, I'm the only income and she wouldn't be able to find another place with no money.

I've read about the 180, not sure if I understand it all yet but how can I live with this pain of knowing she is doing this as I sleep and keep up the 180?

How long do I wait to see if she will come to her senses?
How will she ever be able to see what she is losing when she spends all of her time in the A?

Leia posted 3/25/2014 09:50 AM

I've been living in legal limbo hell and in-house Separation for the past two months. I can tell you that it doesn't get better. Take a breath and figure out what you need to do for you and the kids. I know your situation is unique being in a foreign country, however, I would try to find a Lawyer and figure out what your rights are in the country you are in. I'm sorry, and gently, a married woman doesn't have guy friends without that guy being the a friend of the family in general.

So sorry you're going through this.

ultracrushed posted 3/25/2014 09:55 AM

Thank you Leia for your thoughts and I'm also sorry that someone in your life is making you go through this.

trynhard posted 3/25/2014 11:09 AM

Well, I will tell you what a masculine man does.

He has a value of fidelity. I will live my life in fidelity and I will only be with a woman who has the same value.

A man can have fears like loss of money, change, etc.. but he also has courage.

So, do you want to be a masculine man or a weak man? I already know your answer..YOU are going to be a strong man.

Let me tell you what I would do if my W "Again she stayed up all night talking to him."

I would ask say.. "Wife, I have a value of fideltity. If you cannot share the same value, then I am going to make you no longer part of my world. I am seeking an attorney and I am going to D any woman who abuses me and all I have to offer." No debate, no yelling, no getting rattled, no long discussion.. That is just the way it is.

Women are not attracted to weak men.. So be strong and if she is not a fool, she will be attracted to you. If she is a fool, she will leave. Let her. Let her pay the consequences.. "find a way to be single again wife." Not the choice I wanted, but your choice. That is her decision because she does not have to behave that way when she made a vow to YOU. To think doing whatever on that stupid long distance video is relationship is absolutly ridiculus.

Courage.. Be that man.

Now, OK.. I like you can admit some behaviors you perhaps need to change. Good, then change them. A mature masculine man will make the choice and to the best of his ablity change. Be this new best, most attractive (an not only physical but in your behavoirs) personality man, one where all people respect you.. Be this person and your good come. BUt remember, strong is attractive. Sometimes life does not alway go according to plan.

You can view this as a temporary pain.. Either she is going to come to you by seeing your strenght or she is going to be irrational. You cannot make her choice for her and she might irrational. And if you change an be the most ideal man, strong, at peace.. Your good will come.

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:17 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/25/2014 11:16 AM

Let me get this straight - she's not working and has no problem letting YOU support her while she spends her days and evenings making a damned fool of herself crooning over some internet lothario?


And now she's saying she need her space?

I'd happily give it to her - UNFUNDED. Stop supporting her while she acts like a selfish jackass.

Just stop it.

trynhard posted 3/25/2014 11:18 AM

Can you see the strenght in NeverAgain2013?

norabird posted 3/25/2014 11:19 AM

Unfortunately if she moved out she would have nothing, I'm the only income and she wouldn't be able to find another place with no money.

Perhaps she should have thought of this before she decided to flaunt her soulmate in front of you. Right now, she is not thinking of you at all--only that she wants to keep her comfortable, subsidized lifestyle and the guy who she complains to about the man providing it. There is no reason for you to accept that and since she has trod all over your boundaries, she needs to see consequences.

It's true that the process of filing for D can be expensive and complicated, but you can't let this situation continue as it is. Your wife needs to realize that she has already made her choice by refusing to end contact with her AP. Then she needs to see the consequences of that choice. Maybe she will wake up, maybe not, but at least you will begin to focus on yourself and stop accepting less than what you deserve. If she is willing to threaten you with more lies and cheating simply for your standing up for your need to have a loving and faithful partner, then her thinking is toxic. She is in no position to make threats and does not deserve the kid gloves you've been treating her with.

You are obviously a fine, upstanding man and father and whatever narrative she's built up of your marriage, it's woefully out of balance and sick.

I'm so sorry.

Uhtred posted 3/25/2014 16:38 PM

Trynhard said it very well. I wouldn't be worried about how she is going to support herself. She's made this decision and expects you to idly sit by while she maintains this behavior. You have to put an end to the abuse. You need to make sure that you understand that she is abusing you.

You also have to stand your ground and not be weak. It's damn hard to do but give it hell man.

5454real posted 3/25/2014 16:51 PM

my wife doesn't work

*Honey? did you just hear the laptop break and our internet access go down?*

Seriously brother, cut off her access. If she wants to continue, let her get a job, find/fund daycare and provide her own *fix*.


ETA stop handing her the means to hurt you.

PS, while the 180 is hard, it's probably the best thing to do to give you time and space to heal. She only provides hurt

[This message edited by 5454real at 4:55 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)]

OK now posted 3/26/2014 06:37 AM

I agree with cutting off her internet access so she can't stay up all night 'talking to him'. she will be furious but stay calm and indicate that you want to rebuild the marriage and face up to the problems together. No hostility; you must stay calm.

Right now the situation is getting worse by the day as she is becoming more and more enmeshed in this affair. Soon she will be arranging to meet him some way, somehow. This guy will be wanting a PA to consummate their relationship. Time to cut off communication.

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