A few weeks ago I found out that my wife is having a "cyber" affair with a guy in another country (and another timezone) who is 14 years her junior.
I really haven't been the best husband, and on top of that I have neglected my wife for some time.
We have been married 15 years and have 3 children.
We live in a foreign country and my wife doesn't work. I'm also in the process of losing my job.
I noticed that she was talking with her new "friend" a lot, smiling in a way I only saw her smiling at say romance films.
She also started (and continues)to stay up late at night or get up in the middle of the night (like 1am to 7am when the family wakes)
So I started digging.
The more I dug, the more painful it was, her telling him that she truly loved him, telling him and others that he was her twin flame, her soulmate.
About 3 weeks ago when my wife was sleeping after one of her all night sessions on the PC I noticed the guy was online and confronted him. He didnt deny what had happened and started to try and give me lessions on how I should have been a better husband. I remained calm and asked him to disappear.
That same morning I woke my wife and confronted her, telling her I knew what was happening.
At first she denied it all and then over a few hours she confessed, but said that most of all he is an important friend and that she didnt want to let him go. That it is my fault for neglecting her.
A couple of weeks ago I took the Reconciliation/Rug Sweeping table and the NC Letter example and asked her which column she thought she was in and that if we were ever to get through this she would have to stop all contact with the guy. She said that she couldn't do that and that if I loved her I would let her have space.
Last weekend I ignored her all weekend and concentrated on the kids.
She still keeps staying up at night, going on different sites and talking with him. Having Skype calls with him in the middle of the night. All in secret.
I confronted her again last night and told her that I want to rebuild our marriage, that I want to be a better husband, that I love her and the kids, but that the first step needs to be her breaking contact with the guy and her and I trying to rebuild. Otherwise we would need to talk about D, but that would have some really hard impact on us all.
She got really angry, told me her heart was dead to me, that the guy is mostly just a friend, a very important friend that she needs right now. That she isn't sure if we can rebuild, that it would just be the same bad marriage again.
I told her that she was in the fog of the Affair, that if she wanted to try and make our marriage work she needs to not be talking to this guy all night, every night.
She said that she couldn't lie to me (lol) and that when she was truly remorseful she would tell me but at the moment she doesn't know what is wrong with her, but she needs to keep him as a friend.
Again she stayed up all night talking to him.
I asked her this morning to show me some of the messages they exchanged on a site, she refused and said "well he will be a friend" and then logged in when I wasn't there (obviously to clear out any bad messages) and then said "OK you can see". I refused to look as I knew the truth anyway from her reaction.
Its difficult in this country to just "file for D" you need to go through a Lawyer, Courts etc. and it costs $$$$.
I don't know what to do, my wife says she needs space and time and if I cant give her that then I am just bullying her into a corner and she will lie and cheat again.
What do I do? I need a clear set of future steps)
How long do I leave the situation in this limbo?
Its killing me. Sometimes I cant breathe.