SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Why not just tell me?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

inmisery1 posted 3/25/2014 08:56 AM

My husband just had 2nd A(the ones I know about)in august. One of the things we talked about after A1 was that I would appreciate it if he felt he had found someone to just tell me and I'll let him go. Instead of being a man, he once again snuck around behind my back. If he wants to be single, why not just ask for a divorce? I'm confused.

ultracrushed posted 3/25/2014 09:12 AM

Because he wants his cake and to eat it too.

I'ts hard enough to get past one A at the moment let alone think about going through another.

I'm sorry you must be in a lot of pain.

The real question is, can you forgive him a second time?
What will stop him doing it a 3rd time?

Maybe its time you made a decision for you.

inmisery1 posted 3/25/2014 09:41 AM

Yes, I am in a considerable amount of pain. We've been together for 28 years, I thought he was my best friend as well as my husband. I don't think I can forgive him. I do think there will be a 3rd time, I think he'll keep it up until he finds 1 worth leaving me for. There are assets involved, I have been a sahm for most of the time we've been married, he knows 1/2 of that will be gone and our adult kids will completely lose respect for him. I suspect there has been more than 2. This time I also found him on AM and this was after DDay. That tells me he is actively seeking out A. I confronted him, of course he says he forgot it was there. He also denies having a secret email account. He says he's trying hard, but I don't see it as genuine. He won't admit, but it's pretty clear to me that he is a functional alcoholic. He says he only has about 2 drinks a night, but the drinks have like 4 shots in them. I am devastated. My whole life has been 1 big lie.

ultracrushed posted 3/25/2014 09:59 AM

Have a look at some of the stiky posts here on the forum, they are helping me to get this hirrible dilema in some sort of order.

You need to take a deep breath and see clearly.

I also thought my wife was my best friend but apparently the other guy is that to her....

Do you children know whats happening?

inmisery1 posted 3/25/2014 10:08 AM

They have no clue. But they do notice their fathers behavior, I don't think they will be surprised. Thanks for replying, I'm having a bad day, he's been gone on a business trip for the last couple weeks, he gets back today.

norabird posted 3/25/2014 11:36 AM

I am so sorry. He didn't tell you because he is a coward. Probably one well-versed at compartmentalizing and justifying his behavior.

As this is repeat behavior, you are right, you are better off without this deceit and betrayal in your life. You deserve so much more. I'm glad you know that--it will carry you through.

Please find an IC to help deal with the pain and loss and anger and also consult with the best divorce attorneys in town. You may want to move half your assets from the joint account now. He is probably not going to make this easy, so it is best to protect yourself.

You will be okay.

heforgotme posted 3/25/2014 11:48 AM

From everything you've said it sounds like you need to file.

I would get down to the S/D forum and ask what kinds of things you should be doing to prepare. And while you are preparing, don't let him know your plans. He will likely try to restrict your access to anything once he knows.

Good luck. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Tred posted 3/25/2014 11:52 AM

Sometimes the simple answer is he didn't think he would get caught.

hopefulmother posted 3/25/2014 11:55 AM

He doesn't want to be single. He wants his wife (cake) and wants to play too (eat the cake).

Honestly...I am starting to wonder if we BS are playing their (mother) role to/for them, so they can be taken care of and then can go out and play.

The more months that roll by, the more I see WHs as Peter Pans that will never grow up.

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/25/2014 12:34 PM

My husband just had 2nd A(the ones I know about)in august. One of the things we talked about after A1 was that I would appreciate it if he felt he had found someone to just tell me and I'll let him go. Instead of being a man, he once again snuck around behind my back. If he wants to be single, why not just ask for a divorce? I'm confused

Because he doesn't have to.

He's now had 2 affairs (that you KNOW of, anyway). Because he hasn't had to deal with any consequences for his cheating, that's basically sent the message to him that his cheating is not a deal breaker for you. So why would he tell you he wants to be single the next time he finds some willing bimbo when he knows he can play around with her and you'll still stay with him and continue to raise his kids, clean his house, do his laundry, cook his meals and wipe his ass for him? Honestly, why would he give that up when he doesn't have to?

I just hope that one day you're finally able to see that you were born for much better things that this relationship, inmisery.

inmisery1 posted 3/25/2014 14:42 PM

I do have a plan and it begins with me finding a job. I just got a phone call with an offer. It won't be nearly enough for me to live on or anything, but it's the first step in building up my self esteem. Also, I did speak to an attorney when this first happened, if I leave him, he's pretty much screwed I've been a sahm for many years, we've moved around a lot for his career.

OK now posted 3/26/2014 06:45 AM

I agree, he has little respect for you and will probably continue to cheat. Exciting affairs and a safe secure marriage - the old familiar formula.

Just in case he seeks out escorts on his business trip, I would end all sex with your husband. I'm sure you don't want a nasty STD. Start unravelling this marriage; you have no choice unless you decide you can live with his cheating. Make sure you bill all the attorney fees to him.

FixYou71 posted 3/26/2014 07:08 AM

Have you confronted him with your knowledge of this 2nd A? If so, what does he say? Do you want R or have you decided this is a deal breaker?

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.