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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: Your Soul
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not your bra size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness of your calves. You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you a shade of lipstick. Your shoe size is of no consequence. You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males, females, or any combination thereof. You are not the number of sit-ups you can do, nor are you the number of calories in a day. You are not your mustache. You are not the hair on your legs. You are not a little red dress. You are no amalgam of these things.

You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts you think and the things you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries.


I found the above quote while surfing the web last night. It's fascinating to have spent a lifetime berating myself, spinning my wheels, and after digging in and starting to heal myself, realize I believe and accept myself. Recognizing that I'm not my outside shell, is relieving to a recovering insecuraholic.

I've feared everything. Fat. Wrinkles. Gray hair. Ugly feet. Weird skin. Breakouts. Ingrown hairs. My nail biting habit. Dark circles. Stained teeth. Ill fitting clothes or shoes. Bad hair days. Chapped lips. Pale skin. Bad eyebrows. Pick something, I feared it. Everything "wrong" with me was a target for the haters.

Not only have I been talked down on so much, but I've looked at my parents and based on how they age, I have a 50/50 of aging gracefully (Mother) or very badly (Dad). Getting old has always terrified me. Which shouldn't, cause everyone does it. However, with a mountain of insecurities, aging complicates and magnifies those fears even more.

I'll be 30 in the Fall. I have dreaded 30 for my entire life. Why? Cause it's a sure sign I'm getting old. At 30, you should have life figured out, you should be stable, and everything be all hunky dory, right? You have these goals and an idea of where you "should" be at that age. And when you wake up on your 29th birthday,you realize how very different things are from what you had envisioned. And you know a year is impossible to change things to the "ideal" or the thought/dream you always envisioned. And you realize going into your 30s that you *don't* have things figured out, and you *aren't* where you wanted to be at that stage in your life.

Fun little milestone I hit this weekend? Finding gray in my hair. Great. Doesn't include a couple other physical issues I've been having that come with "getting older". It would be incredibly easy for me to stress the crap out over this. What will QS think? Will he accept the "old" me? Will he love me in my old age? If I gain weight and my breasts sag, what then? Will he resent this process?

But then I stop to think. He is older than me. He's been getting gray for a couple years now. (Which I find incredibly attractive.) His hairline is further back than it used to be. His hair is thinning. The lines on his face are more pronounced. His body doesn't have the same strength and endurance it used to have in his early 20s. Yeah, I'm getting "old". But so is he.

Eventhough I have seen changes in him, I adore him. Because he's not his outside. He is not his looks, or what his body can/cannot do. He is his quiet, gentle spirit. His acceptance of everyone. His non-judgemental attitude. His determination. His integrity. His sweetness. His love.

I can't stop the aging process. People have thrown billions of dollars into the effort. All it does is slow down the inevitable a little bit. At the end of the day, we're still going to gray/bald, gravity will come knocking, wrinkles will happen, menopause will hit, impotency and erectile issues will happen. He will get weak, and my vision will dim. His thick, strong shoulders will thin and weaken. But I know that he will still wrap his arms around me, and embrace the old woman I become. Because I am not my outside. I am a woman who he is proud of. I have become everything he's ever dreamed of. He adores all of me. The extra weight, the gray hair, the physical issues. Because my vessel houses a soul he loves.

BS, WS, let your soul be something you can be proud of, no matter your age or your appearance. Your soul is who you really are. Make sure you love you.


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ 36684
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Stuff!
Thank you!


FWS me 37 (recovering addict)
BS him 40 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1154 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
HUFI-PUFI
♂ 25460
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie - At 30, you should have life figured out, you should be stable, and everything be all hunky dory, right? You have these goals and an idea of where you "should" be at that age.

I had to as I read that line. I'm still struggling to have life figured out and I'm way past 30! Quite often, in conversation nowadays, I think I might have it figured out by the time I hit 75!

HUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3289 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am with HUFI! At almost 46 years of age I now recognize myself as a Life in Progress.

But keep going with the great introspection. By the time you reach my age, people will be calling you, Wise One!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2677 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
outtanowhere
♀ 39001
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seemed like the world opened up to me in my thirties. All those things I had been taught since I was a little girl started to make sense. I began to see how the world (and people) really worked. Some of it was good, some not so good and, some was downright bad. The thing is, I felt like I was growing roots where I was in life and it felt really, really good.

I've learned a lot since then and am still growing as a person. I have a degree from the School of Hard Knocks and it hangs proudly in the hallway of my soul. There has been much sadness and pain but, also pure, unadulterated joy. It makes me who I am and, I feel very blessed. as a result of having a few decades under my belt, I have a unique knowledge and understanding in my toolkit that helps me navigate my way through each and every day. I love knowing that I have experienced life and know more today than I did yesterday.

Don't fear getting old. Embrace maturity!! When you look back 10 years from now you will be amazed!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 801 | Registered: Apr 2013
EvolvingSoul
♀ 29972
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post really moved me. So much focus is put on youth and physical vigor, driven mostly by people who have selling products as their top priority. The accumulation of wisdom and experience does not get much attention even though those are the things that turn out to be the most important.


Me: WS (53)
Him: Shards (48)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 312 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ 29447
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At 30, you should have life figured out, you should be stable, and everything be all hunky dory, right?

Not even close Aubrie. And those that say they do are lying. JMHO, but I think the thirties are when you start acting like you have it together, putting on airs because you don't want people to know just how screwed up in the head you really are. Usually by thirty you have a spouse, a home, a career, kids. So you should start getting it together. But people are so caught up in keeping up with the Jones's and careers and mommy and me classes that people forget that they are just people. That we are individuals with insecurities and even dare I say weaknesses. But we are all too afraid to admit them. Even to the people we are closest to. Personally, my thirties were a hit mess from beginning to end. Quite frankly my BH's were for the most part too. Would like to have just skipped right over them if it weren't for the fact that I have learned so damn much from those times. I think it's my horrific thirties that by comparison make my forties a dream. I feel more grounded and secure. I am more content with life in general.

The fact of the matter is we never have it "all together". Like LA44 said, it's a Life in Progress. I think that once I realized there is no tangible destination or finish line, I was able to begin to relax a little. By your definition I'm old, that's ok. I moisturize, wear make up, and color my hair. End of story. Whatever happens happens. I have a home that's filled with laughter, love and occasional yelling and bickering. And that's what makes me happy at the end of the day.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 801 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
SpotlessMind
♀ 41775
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post, Aubrie--and so incredibly true.

If it helps--I was a mess throughout a big portion of my 20's--partying without care, abusing alcohol, lacking personal responsibility and acting pretty darn self-absorbed. I was clueless and lost, and the fact that I did as well as I did was pretty much based on luck. I wasn't a bad person, but I had very little self-awareness. I definitely did NOT have my shit together by thirty.

It wasn't until I hit bottom at 31 (cheating) that I started thinking about making some serious changes. The birth of my first child made those changes even more crucial. Now, ten+ years later, I'm still learning, and I'm feeling better about myself and my capacity to grow as a person than I ever have.

I had some fear about aging for awhile, too--growing up, my mom put a lot of focus on image and constantly sought out cosmetic procedures and plastic surgery. I still feel anxious from time to time, but overall, I'm liking who I am now.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
abbycadabby
♀ 27428
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post brought tears to my eyes. I have problems with insecurity as well, but I know my soul is beautiful. That's good enough for me.

Posts: 1321 | Registered: Feb 2010
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope nobody thinks I posted this as a "dig" to anyone beyond their 30s. It's weird and maybe not very believeable, but I don't look at those older than me and think, "Gawsh, they're falling apart! Would hate to be them!" I'm hardest on myself. I am most critical of myself. Can't imagine why.

I was speaking to my BIL (husband's brother) yesterday and he said, "Be glad. Be glad you went thru this NOW and not twenty-something years from now like my mother. After all she's lost, she still hasn't learned! Pass what you have learned to your children. Do for your kids what my mother never did for hers." What a bittersweet thing. To have lived and experienced this junk. I think maybe thats where trading beauty from ashes comes in. From the ashes of my hurt, devastation, and incredibly bad choices, I have learned. A cycle has been broken. My children will benefit. Their lives will be very different than that of mine and my husband's. *shrug*

Acceptance is becoming more easy. Life is life. And with it comes the inevitable. Millions of people before me have lived it. And millions after me will. So why can't I? My soul is something I can be proud of. I don't think I mind so much that my body will crumble around it. (I say as I'm off to wrap my bum knee in ice)


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie I have to be honest.
This post really had me triggering for a while. At almost 29 I had a major awakening and started a journey to build a relationship with my soul. In that journey I developed a sense of purpose and direction for my life, a Reason for Being if you will. With a lot of hard vigilant work I was well on my way to self actualization. The peace and serenity was remarkable.

Then 10 years later, I found myself back in the same place do to actions of another....Lost and directionless. Not where I expected to find myself to say the least. This post made me feel like all that work was in vein. Like the decade of my 30's were wasted.

But they weren't. It was all part of my path and the joy is in my journey not my destination. Everything we know is subject to revision especially what we "know" about our truth.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2693 | Registered: Aug 2012
abbycadabby
♀ 27428
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then 10 years later, I found myself back in the same place do to actions of another

You mean that you're back at the place of building a relationship with your soul again, right? Due to your WW A? That's how I'm reading it.

This post made me feel like all that work was in vein. Like the decade of my 30's were wasted.

I understand you're triggering about this post, but is it this post that makes you feel as though your work was in vain, or was it the actions of your WW? In other words, is this post triggering emotions within you that were put there by the A, or is the post in and of itself actually making you doubt yourself and your worth?

(((Chicho)))


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Feb 2010
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should have worded that better. The post triggered the feelings that were already inside about having to relearn about me.

And the fact that I am going to be 40 this year and not being where I expected to be

[This message edited by Chicho at 10:55 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)]


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2693 | Registered: Aug 2012
abbycadabby
♀ 27428
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chicho- I can SO relate to this.

After learning of my exH's A I stayed for almost 2 years "trying" to reconcile. That time period was spent trying to keep my head above water in a shitty situation. I didn't have/take time to process what it meant regarding me.

After our D, it really hit me hard. I feel as though I'm in a dead end spot. While I'm glad to have a job, I'm working somewhere that I feel is beneath me and my education level. All of my friends are at different stages of life- doing the married thing- while I'm here doing the starting over thing. I'm not where I wanted to be by now, and not realizing anything I envisioned for myself long ago as a carefree dreamer. I started grad school but had to quit due to work and program requirement conflicts and that hit me hard.

I feel kinda lost. And stuck. And in limbo. Directionless. And all sorts of yucky things. AND I have PLENTY of time to think about what a failure I am.

But I made new friends. They build me up. Moreover, they don't let me tear myself down. And I have an amazing SO who I've tried my damnedest to push away who has hung around for over a year. I must be pretty awesome to be blessed this way.

I still need to figure out my direction, but I'm trying to get through one day at a time. And I'm realizing that my soul IS beautiful. That gives me peace.

I hope this rambling helps.

(((Chicho)))

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 11:23 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Feb 2010
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry this triggered you Chicho.

QS had his whole life figured out. He's so anal about everything. He is particular. He is a planner. And after we got married, his carefully mapped out life became a never ending series of "plot twist!". He's not ok with that. And he's at a stage in his life where he has to work thru and deal with the fallout from it. He loves me. He wants to be with me. But that means working on everything else that my choices affected. Which has proven to be very difficult for him so far.

He's said before that I've ruined his entire life. We were talking the other night and I asked, "Was our marriage REALLY *that* bad???? Cause to be honest, while some of it sucked, we also have a lot of really good memories man." He ducked his head and admitted he was rewriting our history. He focuses so much on where his plans went wrong, he cant see anything else. And I can understand that.

We are nowhere near where he thought we would be. Not by a long shot. I feel terrible about that. And as he processes and heals, I hope he finds a sense of peace. I don't say that selfishly. I just want him to be happy. And to relax. And just be.


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011
RightTrack
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought that my 30's were better than my 20's. Maybe you will too.

Posts: 658 | Registered: Sep 2012
Ascendant
♂ 38303
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to say, having turned 30 this past August, that I so totally feel you, especially this nugget:

At 30, you should have life figured out, you should be stable, and everything be all hunky dory, right? You have these goals and an idea of where you "should" be at that age. And when you wake up on your 29th birthday,you realize how very different things are from what you had envisioned. And you know a year is impossible to change things to the "ideal" or the thought/dream you always envisioned. And you realize going into your 30s that you *don't* have things figured out, and you *aren't* where you wanted to be at that stage in your life.

I sometimes get really down on myself for this. I know I shouldn't, but I really do. Here's hoping for some relief.

Let's all be gentle with ourselves.


Other people are not medicine.

Posts: 2304 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a planner. And after we got married, his carefully mapped out life became a never ending series of "plot twist!".

Oh this is sooooo me. Plot twist after plot twist I just became jaded and apathetic about life because there was no sense in planning anything anymore. I lost my true self and because I had to become reactive instead of proactive.

I taught myself to no longer dream because the fulfillment of my dreams were out of my hands. I relinquished my fate to someone who rarely looked past immediate wants and needs.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2693 | Registered: Aug 2012
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I taught myself to no longer dream because the fulfillment of my dreams were out of my hands. I relinquished my fate to someone who rarely looked past immediate wants and needs.
What about now? Do you dream now? Or have you given up entirely?

I see a lot of QS and I in what you said. We are so different, he and I. He loves routine. He thrives on it. He's lost without it. QS has had the same cereal every morning, for the past 30 years. No lie. Every, single, day. I *know* its part of our history and growing up. His grandparents on both sides are Amish. Their lives are plotted out and planned before they're even born. Chores, farm work, cows, horses, more work, dinner, church, etc. Day after day. Its the same. The only thing "new" is when Lulu has another baby or John gets a new plow. QS is the same way. Totally content in normalcy and routine. Not just in day to day, but in life overall. And I'm the polar opposite. And its been an incredibly tough sticking point for us.

I get working on myself. I get being a safe person. Changing damaged/damaging parts. But I can't change everything about me. I don't know how to change me into a morning person. I don't know how to make myself go to bed at 8pm without the assistance of drugs. I don't know how to loose the spontaneity within me. I don't know how to be quiet. I don't know how to squash when creativity strikes my brain inconveniently 2 hours before dinner is to be served. Dinner is on time, but my project is laying out on the coffee table. So many times he comes home and doesn't look at the million things I did that day, but the one thing I didn't.

I'm out of "routine" and out of "the plan". I have struggled with suppressing it, and he struggles to accept it.

There were many "plot twists" that were "my fault". But there were many more that were just.life. I think somewhere along the way, anything that was new or different was my fault. Even when I couldn't control it. Because I am the loud, noisy, flighty one. I dunno.


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

your post sparked a question for me, and perhaps something for the two of you to ponder. did either of you get married with the expectation of the other changing?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 21(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3312 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 37
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