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LeftOutintheCold posted 3/25/2014 16:11 PM

I'm so mad at myself. I said I wasn't going to have any contact with my WH from this point on but on my terms. I saw he was calling me and I didn't answer it at first. I let a half hour go by and my curiosity was killing me even though I kept repeating to myself that he wasn't calling to tell me he's had a change of heart. Well, I called him back, but he didn't answer. I felt relieved.

Then he called again so I answered. He talked to me like he always has when he calls me. Wanted to know how the animals are here and how my week has been so far and about my son and his girlfriends new job. I gave him pretty short answers but found myself pulled into a conversation with him and talked about things that happened today at work. Real easy convo like we always used to have. While I hated myself for talking, I was promising myself not to ask him anything. And I didn't - like how he was or what he's been doing or what's going to happen next, etc. So he ended the convo with well, I'll call you later this week sometime. Although I did tell him I'd be needing some money for bills and such here after he told me that.

Why can't I hate him yet?? How do I find the strength to do the 180??? I am feeling so stupid and weak right now. This is not the relationship I want to have with him - I don't even know what this is with him right now.

I'm really hating myself.

unfound posted 3/25/2014 18:22 PM

it can take time and practice to do the 180...don't beat yourself up over it.

practice what you'll say if you *have* to talk with him about finances or on your terms. change his ringtone to you to a powerful song that will motivate you to not answer. change his name in your contacts to "don't answer" or 180".

it sounds like he's testing the waters to see how you'll react to his "normalcy".

k94ever posted 3/25/2014 18:23 PM

Can you have his calls ring silent and go to VM on your phone?

You won't know he called, won't be tempted, and you can check your VM when YOU are ready.

If you are serious about not talking to him, take the necessary steps to do so.

k9

LivingLearning posted 3/25/2014 21:03 PM

The good news is you kept the answers short and you didn't ask him any questions. Not asking them any questions is the hardest part, at least in my mind.

Keep strong! You can do this!

Harriet posted 3/25/2014 22:34 PM

I made my ring tone crickets chirping, just to remind myself.

norabird posted 3/25/2014 23:24 PM

No one says it's easy. ((((Hugs)))))

Experience usually gives the harshest lessons. Just keep getting back on the horse. You will get there.

Tawnee1969 posted 3/26/2014 03:39 AM

Change his contact name in your phone to "Do not answer"

Tawnee1969 posted 3/26/2014 03:39 AM

Change his contact name in your phone to "Do not answer"

LeftOutintheCold posted 3/26/2014 04:37 AM

Thanks you all. I just feel like I'm playing some awful game that I don't know the rules to...

SeekingPeace84 posted 3/26/2014 05:19 AM

I just feel like I'm playing some awful game that I don't know the rules to...

I can so relate to this! First off, huge hugs ((((((LeftOutintheCold))))))!!!! And secondly, be gentle with yourself, my dear. You are new to this. I consider it a success because you didn't ask any questions of him. Good job! Give yourself a C+ and shoot for an A+ next time!

Another thing that I've realized in my own experience with the 180 is that I don't have to bear the responsibility of getting everything right after my WH f**ked my whole world up. HE is the one who changed everything, and you are not the one who now has to get everything perfect or things will never be fixed. That's not how this works, sweetie. That burden does not belong on your shoulders, it belongs squarely on the WS's cheating shoulders.

Give yourself GRACE when you stumble...TIME to learn all these 'new rules'....LOVE when you don't follow the plan you had in mind...and most of all, FAITH in your incredible strength under terrible stress and pressure. You can do this. We can do this. I am rooting for you, praying for you, and sending you strength. It'll be ok, even when it feels like it won't be.

(((((LeftOutintheCold)))))

justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 06:53 AM

I think SeekingPeace gives great advise.

The 180, although designed for u has an element I personally can't ignore. "How do I shift my primary focus upon me when for years the focus rested upon my spouse". It feels selfish because it is not natural. 2 got married and became 1.

As a recovering codependant ( i can say recovering now) the 180 us brutal. I am 4 days in and my wifes response has been apathy. It as if she sold her soul to the devil and he took her heart as well. I rest on the advise of those that gone before me on this site.

Even though i pray for R. I know that regardless of outcome the 180 will improve my relationship with me.

Stay strong. We believe in you.