My affair was horrible and completely my fault. How xSO made me feel for years though that is not completely on me
So here is a good place to start. His actions explain part of why you felt ignored and unloved, but they don't excuse the action you took to rectify it. However, to get to forgiveness, you have to look at:
How could I let myself hang out with a bunch of guys when talking to AP? Why is it a couple hit on me and I rebuffed the easily but not AP?
What was it that made you NEED this attention and what made you so susceptible to your AP? What could HE give you that you were needing from another important male in your life but weren't getting?
Here is the thing. You made a bad choice but that choice does not define you. Just because you made a bad choice does not make you a bad person. It just shows that you didn't have any better coping mechanisms at the time. I've learned that for most of us (unless we are totally sociopathic and you aren't or you wouldn't be here feeling bad about your actions) we do the best we can with the tools we've been given in life.
You aren't replaceable. You are a unique individual with your own certain set of strengths, weaknesses, issues, values, etc..... If he can replace you so easily, that is on him, not you. He either doesn't have the strength himself to deal with these deeper issues, or he sees others as replaceable when they aren't working for him. Whatever it is, it is on him, not you.
My WSO is doing everything he can to help rebuild the trust. At this point, it is on me to decide if I can be strong enough to stick with this while we dig thru all these issues. It isn't all about him. Some of it is about me. How much can "I" handle, what do "I" want out of a relationship, do "I" want something deep and strong and long lasting that takes hard, scary work? Since I know he is doing all he can, at this point, it is on me....
Wanting marriage for years and finding out the reason he proposed was because he thought I was going to leave him.
That sounds kind of borderline or controlling. It seems it is okay if he makes the decision to leave, but if someone leaves him, he totally freaks. Again, that is his issue to deal with....
I hate who I was and allowed myself to be and I can't gets passed it. Seriously I cannot get past it, I try
You know, I don't think ANYONE really thinks they were perfect and wonderful and made all the right decisions in the past (if they do, I would love to talk with them because that would be an interesting case study....) But again, just because you made a bad decision doesn't make you a bad person. Don't hate who you were....there was a reason you made those decisions, and I doubt they were solely to hurt someone. Look inside, deep, and find what was missing in you that made you susceptible. Then, when you find out what you were missing, learn how to give it to yourself. You felt unloved and unworthy? Learn how to love yourself and feel worthy. You ARE lovable and you ARE worthy. What from your past makes you feel that you are not? How far back does that go? When did you first have any type of feelings of not being good enough, of not being lovable? What made it okay for you to put up with the way he treated you?
Did they think I was a whore, a slut, easy, a bimbo........?
Who cares? I've found in my research and with talking to hundreds of women who look for love thru sex, that generally it comes from a place of lacking positive male attention early in their lives. That doesn't make them any of those awful names that women get for trying to find positive attention in the only way they may know how. That just makes them wounded little girls that need to find a better way to get the positive attention they need. That is the tough part. The best way to find that is to learn to give it to ourselves, but you know....we can't do that when we are young. We don't have the knowledge or experience. But when we get older, we can start learning how to do that. It does take work and effort to unlearn some of those negative messages we've been given.
(((((Unagie)))))
ETA: Have to add one important thing. It isn't even always the guy's fault that we didn't get what we needed from them. I've made bad choices in men because I didn't get the emotional closeness I craved from my dad. I still love him, adore him, worship the ground he walks on! He did the best he could for me, but he didn't have a clue how to give me what I needed because he had never been around huggy, emotion-filled people. He was a wonderful father, but I needed that attention. Once I figured out why I was making some bad choices (not stupid, because for the need I was trying to fill, it actually makes sense) but I am learning to make better choices. The new one, even with his EA's, is much better at giving me the emotional connection I need in a much healthier way.....
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:46 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]