"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Unagie posted 3/26/2014 04:57 AM

Sometimes is sit here and wonder how can I feel so sad that I am so replaceable in his eyes after my actions!? The very qualities that attracted me to AP were the things I loved in xSO, other then those few qualities they shared AP was nothing compared to xSO. He was a paltry substitute but he gave me attention....I was a fool. So here's the thing it sounds crazy but I never wanted to lose my xSO. I loved him like crazy but felt ignored and unappreciated and that's what I am focusing on right now. My affair was horrible and completely my fault. How xSO made me feel for years though that is not completely on me. I would ask him to let me teach him to dance salsa so he could come to dance clubs with me. He said he didnt like the dance, a few months after dday he signs up for salsa lessons with his bff.

I asked him to get his passport for one year for a cruise I bought for my birthday, part of a package when I bought a trip to Disney world for his birthday. I dragged him to take the passport photos. Filled out the app to him and we ended up booking another trip to PR. The A happened 3 months before the trip, my confession a week after we came back. He booked a trip to DR with his BFF and had his passport 3 months later. He is planning another trip to PR and another trip to Japan. The PR one is booked already.

I would put in job apps, update his resume and would literally feel bad when I didnt have a chance to put in job apps for him. He has not work for 4 years at least. He had money to fall back on but not enough and it really should have been saved. I asked him to try and would have to beg him to put in apps while I was at work or to go to job fairs. He'd get a no and that'd be the end of his efforts for awhile. He has now been applying for jobs, taking state exams and actively searching.

I would ask him to leave the house. Take a walk because he'd be home all day. He would not really want to leave. Now he goes out all the time, almost every day.

Then there's the most fucked up one. Wanting marriage for years and finding out the reason he proposed was because he thought I was going to leave him. He thought that because of how sick I was after I had my A. I was horribly disgusted and was tearing myself apart. When he proposed I cried....he hadn't spoken to me for 2 days before this because of a huge fight after I asked him why he'd never proposed. I felt horrible for that fight because I was caused by my own shame.

There's more then this but the main point of this is that I feel replaced. I feel like I was never good enough to make the effort for but he obviously had it in him just like I always felt he did. I am proud of him for the changes he's making. I just wish to god I had been important enough to have made those changes before I became so disillusioned to life. I wish it had happened before I let it effect me to the point where depression set in. Before that depression led me down a road to destruction with my horrible coping skills. I wish I had left and realized I deserved more long before I let my A happen. Maybe I would have developed better coping skills for life by valuing myself more.

Sorry if this all sounds like disjointed thoughts, I wrote as I vented in my mind....the point of all this is why is it so easy to replace me? Was it really all because of my A or was it because he never valued me as much as he should have? I know I had an A which makes it obvious I did not value him as I should have either. I own that, but I did.....for a long long time I did value him. I lost it just as sure as I lost everything else and then after my A when I was trying to show him how much I had always loved him he tore me down again. He had his A, he admitted loving someone else years ago and his BFF let something slip that makes me believe his past is not as clean as he claims. Why else would your BFF call me after we separated asking if you ever told me about talking to other girls and when I said no he kind of laughed. Why would he even mention it!? Why was I never fucking important enough!? Why....

[This message edited by Unagie at 5:15 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)]

authenticnow posted 3/26/2014 05:26 AM

((((Unagie))) I don't see it as you being replaceable, I don't see this as being about you at all. It seems as if he has some deep rooted issues (and if you don't mind my saying, he doesn't seem like such a catch). It sounds like when you were together you were more like his mother than his girlfriend.

Are you still living with him? If you're not in R, I think it would be sooooo much better for you to detach than to continue to be enmeshed in his life. That's not healthy for you and I can't see you moving forward in a healthy way until the two of you are NC.

OK now posted 3/26/2014 07:04 AM

Unagie, things won't improve until you arrive at a better assessment of yourself. You sound like an intelligent, decent human being and thats a hell of a basis to build a new self-image on.

Your SO, and the cruel things he has done, simply don't matter at all compared with the harm you are causing yourself with your lack of self-esteem. Learn to love yourself with all the good things and all of the faults, or you will never climb out of this pit of depression.

Let go of it all; this failed relationship and his treatment of you. Let go of your affair after analyzing why you did it and move on. Your goal is to look into your bathroom mirror and say "I love and respect you". Only then will you start to recover from this heartbreak and the damage it has caused to your worth and dignity.

musiclovingmom posted 3/26/2014 08:25 AM

Unangie - BS here. I read almost anything on these boards that has your name on it. I find much wisdom coming from your posts. Today, I really feel your pain with you. My first marriage was much like you are explaining your relationship. My exH was employeed sporadically and was always ticked off at the world when he had a job. He was generally angry anyway, but work made it worse. He used to complain about not having friends, but made no effort to make any - even when I begged and found people to introduce him to. He would scream because his family didn't include him as much as he thought they should, but he would make no effort to be involved with them. Even now I see them as much or more than he does. I begged for years for him to find a counselor to talk to so he could maybe feel happy again and he flat out refused. All of this manifested itself as him yelling at me, belittling me and blaming me. I should have never married him, but I loved him - and to be honest, I was afraid if I left him I'd never find anyone else. When I finally decided to leave, he started spending time with friends. He invited someone from out of town to stay at his house AND took time off so he could spend time with them while they were here. When he moved his gf (now wife) into his house and they started fighting, he started counseling. He now sees a group family counselor, an individual psychotherapist and is in a special support group for parents of autistic children (his oldest stepson) and takes a combination of medicines to help him control his depression and rage. I remember calling my mother sobbing when I found out he was seeing a therapist. I remember asking over and over why I wasn't good enough for him to do that for me. Why was this new relationship worth saving, but our decade together wasn't. It is truly a miserable feeling. When I was able to step back for a minute, I realized that it wasn't about me. It was about him - HIS brokenness. The way he treated me, the way he refused help for himself - not my fault. Him deciding to get help had nothing to do with me either. It certainly isn't a reflection on my worth, but more that he finally decided to value himself. It took time and distance to figure that out (or as much distance as you can have when you live in a small town and share a child). Our relationship was toxic for both of us. The best thing I ever did was value myself enough to walk away. Hugs to you.

Unagie posted 3/29/2014 06:27 AM

Unagie, things won't improve until you arrive at a better assessment of yourself

You're right. I hate who I was and allowed myself to be and I can't gets passed it. Seriously I cannot get past it, I try. I will get over one thing just to hop onto another, to get over that thing and circle back to the first thing. Its this endless vicious cycle I am desperately trying to claw out of. Tonight's thought process? How could I let myself hang out with a bunch of guys when talking to AP? Why is it a couple hit on me and I rebuffed the easily but not AP? What did these people think of me!? I don't even know their names or remember what they look like ffs. Did they think I was a whore, a slut, easy, a bimbo........? This is the loop my mind does. I need a fresh start, to focus on my future. I can't figure out how to do it although god knows I am trying. I also can't figure out how to stop loving him. I still do, and I need to detach.

NaiveAgain posted 3/29/2014 08:29 AM

My affair was horrible and completely my fault. How xSO made me feel for years though that is not completely on me

So here is a good place to start. His actions explain part of why you felt ignored and unloved, but they don't excuse the action you took to rectify it. However, to get to forgiveness, you have to look at:

How could I let myself hang out with a bunch of guys when talking to AP? Why is it a couple hit on me and I rebuffed the easily but not AP?

What was it that made you NEED this attention and what made you so susceptible to your AP? What could HE give you that you were needing from another important male in your life but weren't getting?

Here is the thing. You made a bad choice but that choice does not define you. Just because you made a bad choice does not make you a bad person. It just shows that you didn't have any better coping mechanisms at the time. I've learned that for most of us (unless we are totally sociopathic and you aren't or you wouldn't be here feeling bad about your actions) we do the best we can with the tools we've been given in life.

You aren't replaceable. You are a unique individual with your own certain set of strengths, weaknesses, issues, values, etc..... If he can replace you so easily, that is on him, not you. He either doesn't have the strength himself to deal with these deeper issues, or he sees others as replaceable when they aren't working for him. Whatever it is, it is on him, not you.

My WSO is doing everything he can to help rebuild the trust. At this point, it is on me to decide if I can be strong enough to stick with this while we dig thru all these issues. It isn't all about him. Some of it is about me. How much can "I" handle, what do "I" want out of a relationship, do "I" want something deep and strong and long lasting that takes hard, scary work? Since I know he is doing all he can, at this point, it is on me....

Wanting marriage for years and finding out the reason he proposed was because he thought I was going to leave him.

That sounds kind of borderline or controlling. It seems it is okay if he makes the decision to leave, but if someone leaves him, he totally freaks. Again, that is his issue to deal with....

I hate who I was and allowed myself to be and I can't gets passed it. Seriously I cannot get past it, I try

You know, I don't think ANYONE really thinks they were perfect and wonderful and made all the right decisions in the past (if they do, I would love to talk with them because that would be an interesting case study....) But again, just because you made a bad decision doesn't make you a bad person. Don't hate who you were....there was a reason you made those decisions, and I doubt they were solely to hurt someone. Look inside, deep, and find what was missing in you that made you susceptible. Then, when you find out what you were missing, learn how to give it to yourself. You felt unloved and unworthy? Learn how to love yourself and feel worthy. You ARE lovable and you ARE worthy. What from your past makes you feel that you are not? How far back does that go? When did you first have any type of feelings of not being good enough, of not being lovable? What made it okay for you to put up with the way he treated you?

Did they think I was a whore, a slut, easy, a bimbo........?

Who cares? I've found in my research and with talking to hundreds of women who look for love thru sex, that generally it comes from a place of lacking positive male attention early in their lives. That doesn't make them any of those awful names that women get for trying to find positive attention in the only way they may know how. That just makes them wounded little girls that need to find a better way to get the positive attention they need. That is the tough part. The best way to find that is to learn to give it to ourselves, but you know....we can't do that when we are young. We don't have the knowledge or experience. But when we get older, we can start learning how to do that. It does take work and effort to unlearn some of those negative messages we've been given.

(((((Unagie)))))

ETA: Have to add one important thing. It isn't even always the guy's fault that we didn't get what we needed from them. I've made bad choices in men because I didn't get the emotional closeness I craved from my dad. I still love him, adore him, worship the ground he walks on! He did the best he could for me, but he didn't have a clue how to give me what I needed because he had never been around huggy, emotion-filled people. He was a wonderful father, but I needed that attention. Once I figured out why I was making some bad choices (not stupid, because for the need I was trying to fill, it actually makes sense) but I am learning to make better choices. The new one, even with his EA's, is much better at giving me the emotional connection I need in a much healthier way.....

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:46 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]

plainsong posted 3/30/2014 12:26 PM

I agree that this is not about your being replaceable at all. Except maybe in the sense that he needed to replace YOU being the responsible one who cared about him with HIM being responsible about and caring for himself. Finding out that you were not a superwoman who would keep trying and trying to rescue him (while he resented being so weak that he needed rescuing) may have been the stimulus for his doing the healthy things you had been recommending all along. Not that he necessarily had the insight to see that was what he was doing. It sounds like he could only do these (hopefully) healthy things if he could frame it as being to spite you.

It is sad that he could not accept your love and use THAT as the stimulus to look at himself and make healthy changes - that is his loss. Your loss is the hope/dream of finding a loving, equal partner in him - someone who would share the goals of self healing and building a relationship. That is still a worthy dream - with someone else. Do you cling to still wanting it with him because you believe he is your only chance? This is where you need to explore your past and the beliefs you developed in the course of your experiences. That is an ongoing process for me. I have recently found more of the experiences on which I based the conclusion that no one would ever accept me and that I could only be (somewhat) good enough for a relationship by taking care of and fixing the other person and squashing my own feelings. I KNOW how it feels to really believe I am not good enough. I also now know that I can sometimes, somewhat, change that belief. And I am committed to continuing my personal growth until I can respect, love and accept both myself and my husband, and enjoy the connection and love he has been offering me all these years.

Good luck in letting go of someone who couldn't participate with you in crating a healthy relationship, and in creating more and more of that healthy relationship with yourself.