I asked him to get his passport for one year for a cruise I bought for my birthday, part of a package when I bought a trip to Disney world for his birthday. I dragged him to take the passport photos. Filled out the app to him and we ended up booking another trip to PR. The A happened 3 months before the trip, my confession a week after we came back. He booked a trip to DR with his BFF and had his passport 3 months later. He is planning another trip to PR and another trip to Japan. The PR one is booked already.
I would put in job apps, update his resume and would literally feel bad when I didnt have a chance to put in job apps for him. He has not work for 4 years at least. He had money to fall back on but not enough and it really should have been saved. I asked him to try and would have to beg him to put in apps while I was at work or to go to job fairs. He'd get a no and that'd be the end of his efforts for awhile. He has now been applying for jobs, taking state exams and actively searching.
I would ask him to leave the house. Take a walk because he'd be home all day. He would not really want to leave. Now he goes out all the time, almost every day.
Then there's the most fucked up one. Wanting marriage for years and finding out the reason he proposed was because he thought I was going to leave him. He thought that because of how sick I was after I had my A. I was horribly disgusted and was tearing myself apart. When he proposed I cried....he hadn't spoken to me for 2 days before this because of a huge fight after I asked him why he'd never proposed. I felt horrible for that fight because I was caused by my own shame.
There's more then this but the main point of this is that I feel replaced. I feel like I was never good enough to make the effort for but he obviously had it in him just like I always felt he did. I am proud of him for the changes he's making. I just wish to god I had been important enough to have made those changes before I became so disillusioned to life. I wish it had happened before I let it effect me to the point where depression set in. Before that depression led me down a road to destruction with my horrible coping skills. I wish I had left and realized I deserved more long before I let my A happen. Maybe I would have developed better coping skills for life by valuing myself more.
Sorry if this all sounds like disjointed thoughts, I wrote as I vented in my mind....the point of all this is why is it so easy to replace me? Was it really all because of my A or was it because he never valued me as much as he should have? I know I had an A which makes it obvious I did not value him as I should have either. I own that, but I did.....for a long long time I did value him. I lost it just as sure as I lost everything else and then after my A when I was trying to show him how much I had always loved him he tore me down again. He had his A, he admitted loving someone else years ago and his BFF let something slip that makes me believe his past is not as clean as he claims. Why else would your BFF call me after we separated asking if you ever told me about talking to other girls and when I said no he kind of laughed. Why would he even mention it!? Why was I never fucking important enough!? Why....
[This message edited by Unagie at 5:15 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)]
No longer together
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss
Are you still living with him? If you're not in R, I think it would be sooooo much better for you to detach than to continue to be enmeshed in his life. That's not healthy for you and I can't see you moving forward in a healthy way until the two of you are NC.
Your SO, and the cruel things he has done, simply don't matter at all compared with the harm you are causing yourself with your lack of self-esteem. Learn to love yourself with all the good things and all of the faults, or you will never climb out of this pit of depression.
Let go of it all; this failed relationship and his treatment of you. Let go of your affair after analyzing why you did it and move on. Your goal is to look into your bathroom mirror and say "I love and respect you". Only then will you start to recover from this heartbreak and the damage it has caused to your worth and dignity.
Unagie, things won't improve until you arrive at a better assessment of yourself
You're right. I hate who I was and allowed myself to be and I can't gets passed it. Seriously I cannot get past it, I try. I will get over one thing just to hop onto another, to get over that thing and circle back to the first thing. Its this endless vicious cycle I am desperately trying to claw out of. Tonight's thought process? How could I let myself hang out with a bunch of guys when talking to AP? Why is it a couple hit on me and I rebuffed the easily but not AP? What did these people think of me!? I don't even know their names or remember what they look like ffs. Did they think I was a whore, a slut, easy, a bimbo........? This is the loop my mind does. I need a fresh start, to focus on my future. I can't figure out how to do it although god knows I am trying. I also can't figure out how to stop loving him. I still do, and I need to detach.
My affair was horrible and completely my fault. How xSO made me feel for years though that is not completely on me
How could I let myself hang out with a bunch of guys when talking to AP? Why is it a couple hit on me and I rebuffed the easily but not AP?
Here is the thing. You made a bad choice but that choice does not define you. Just because you made a bad choice does not make you a bad person. It just shows that you didn't have any better coping mechanisms at the time. I've learned that for most of us (unless we are totally sociopathic and you aren't or you wouldn't be here feeling bad about your actions) we do the best we can with the tools we've been given in life.
You aren't replaceable. You are a unique individual with your own certain set of strengths, weaknesses, issues, values, etc..... If he can replace you so easily, that is on him, not you. He either doesn't have the strength himself to deal with these deeper issues, or he sees others as replaceable when they aren't working for him. Whatever it is, it is on him, not you.
My WSO is doing everything he can to help rebuild the trust. At this point, it is on me to decide if I can be strong enough to stick with this while we dig thru all these issues. It isn't all about him. Some of it is about me. How much can "I" handle, what do "I" want out of a relationship, do "I" want something deep and strong and long lasting that takes hard, scary work? Since I know he is doing all he can, at this point, it is on me....
Wanting marriage for years and finding out the reason he proposed was because he thought I was going to leave him.
I hate who I was and allowed myself to be and I can't gets passed it. Seriously I cannot get past it, I try
Did they think I was a whore, a slut, easy, a bimbo........?
ETA: Have to add one important thing. It isn't even always the guy's fault that we didn't get what we needed from them. I've made bad choices in men because I didn't get the emotional closeness I craved from my dad. I still love him, adore him, worship the ground he walks on! He did the best he could for me, but he didn't have a clue how to give me what I needed because he had never been around huggy, emotion-filled people. He was a wonderful father, but I needed that attention. Once I figured out why I was making some bad choices (not stupid, because for the need I was trying to fill, it actually makes sense) but I am learning to make better choices. The new one, even with his EA's, is much better at giving me the emotional connection I need in a much healthier way.....
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:46 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]
It is sad that he could not accept your love and use THAT as the stimulus to look at himself and make healthy changes - that is his loss. Your loss is the hope/dream of finding a loving, equal partner in him - someone who would share the goals of self healing and building a relationship. That is still a worthy dream - with someone else. Do you cling to still wanting it with him because you believe he is your only chance? This is where you need to explore your past and the beliefs you developed in the course of your experiences. That is an ongoing process for me. I have recently found more of the experiences on which I based the conclusion that no one would ever accept me and that I could only be (somewhat) good enough for a relationship by taking care of and fixing the other person and squashing my own feelings. I KNOW how it feels to really believe I am not good enough. I also now know that I can sometimes, somewhat, change that belief. And I am committed to continuing my personal growth until I can respect, love and accept both myself and my husband, and enjoy the connection and love he has been offering me all these years.
Good luck in letting go of someone who couldn't participate with you in crating a healthy relationship, and in creating more and more of that healthy relationship with yourself.