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Still can't get over it

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hurt0819 posted 3/26/2014 08:54 AM

It's almost been 3 years since I found sexually inappropriate texts on my husbands phone and I still can't get over it. At first, he said they were jokes and then never truly gave me an explanation nor do I think I got the whole story. Meanwhile i had just given birth to our first child. Thus, I don't think I've ever quite healed. We tried therapy, separately but it didn't last very long and we eventually were starting to heal. Fast forward to a few days ago we are cleaning out our drawers and an old phone was found. The phone included the old texts which sent me into a rage again. He's been remorseful and has tried and promises he only loves me. My heart was broken and is now guarded, seemingly always suspicious and I hate to be and live like that. He asked if I wanted to stay married and I said I don't know I don't think so. We now have two young boys (4 years & 2 months). I know I can't know if he will hurt me in the future but do I want to be this way for the rest of my life. I feel indifferent to him at times and know its not right but feel like he made me this way. I trusted him completely last time and never suspected a thing which is another reason ive been on guard. I'm broken and I don't know what to do. How does one "get over it?"

[This message edited by hurt0819 at 9:12 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)]

norabird posted 3/26/2014 10:08 AM

This is a hard question. For some people, it turns out to be a dealbreaker. But you can keep trying to heal if you feel you simply haven't used the right tools yet. Have you read any books on betrayal and healing? There's a list in the healing library (link in the yellow box at upper elft). You could also try a marriage retreat weekend like retrouville. You could ask your husband to take a polygraph if you fear you haven't been told the truth. Does he give you total transparency to his current phone, email, etc?

If none of that helps, it is okay if you just can't tough it out anymore. Do what is best for you.

justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 19:09 PM

I think you got some good advice above. I would recommend you go back to IC. You probably wonder if you should stay for the kids that's not going to be a good reason long-term. Feel free to keep posting and trying to think it out here online you'll get some great advice from those who have been there before you

justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 19:09 PM

I think you got some good advice above. I would recommend you go back to IC. You probably wonder if you should stay for the kids that's not going to be a good reason long-term. Feel free to keep posting and trying to think it out here online you'll get some great advice from those who have been there before you

justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 19:09 PM

I think you got some good advice above. I would recommend you go back to IC. You probably wonder if you should stay for the kids that's not going to be a good reason long-term. Feel free to keep posting and trying to think it out here online you'll get some great advice from those who have been there before you

hopefulmother posted 3/26/2014 20:48 PM

So sorry, no advice...but I hear and understand. 16months for me and I still "not just gotten over the pain and betrayal".

I am beginning to wonder if no amount of R will make me feel that love again.

I just wonder if it is just a deal breaker. It is broken and burned and will not heal for my fWH.

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