Why is this destroying every layer of my life. Why did she have to hurt me so bad? Why can't I not care and get over it already. Sorry to whine I am just destroyed.
The depression caused by this is unreal. Please don't let yourself start drinking and doing things that will impede your healing.
Is your wife transparent and wanting to Reconcile?
I think the biggest thing for me was all of the lies and deceit. The person you thought you knew is now a complete stranger. Just like you I thought my ww and I had a damn good relationship with problems just like anyone else.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and the pain is enormous but we have to keep going forward. You can't unring a bell brother. Please get some counseling and try and get a physical hobby for an outlet. Keep posting.
Do things that are good for you mind and body, something that will make you feel better.
If you are the type to work out at all, go to the gym and just do a little or go for a swim. Just being around people working out might make you feel better. If you don't belong to a gym or the Y, you can get day passes.
Go for fast walks in any near park. Do things that will make you feel better mentally and physically.
Go get some vitamins. B-complex is good for nerves. Drink lots of water, since being dehydrated will make you feel tired and generally icky.
I was a total mess for many months dealing with the ups and downs, the questions and the TT.
In the beginning, that's all you can do.
Get to a therapist. You need help to process all this and it's going to take time.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
Started 180 a 4 days ago and was doing better but today was tough. My wife seems to like the 180, she hasn't seemed to cae I not around her. I feel thrown away, it really hurts.
She doesn't get to behave like that she is married to you and you don't need to sit and take it. She'll see what she is losing. Expose her and kill the fantasy that she is having.
I understand you love her but you can't nice her back into anything.
she hasn't seemed to cae I not around her. I feel thrown away, it really hurts.
This is exactly why the 180 is so important. It gives YOU the time and space to rediscover who you are. TBH, what she wants/likes/desires NEEDS to become irrelevant to you. Rediscover who the person inside you is. Why is the opinion of a lying, cheating slut even relevant? You've lost sight of the fact that YOU are the prize.
In a different light, say you had never married. In that context, would you be attracted to the person she is showing you that she is?
I filled out D paperwork and should have court papers early next week. I will not nice the issue. I plan to sit her down and plainly say' " Look I love you and wanted this M to survive but you are not willing to do the hard work so I have to focus on me and the kids".
My wife works 10 hours a week for mad money. I pay all bills, cook meals. She does no housework (yes I was a good little codependent.). The guys she's talking to are scumbags. Their posts degrade women. They are yeas younger. They would not have the means to support her lifestyle. Not bragging, I just have worked my ass off for 20 yeas to build a good career.
Please keep giving me advise, I hang on these posts for support.
I offered my ex-w a clear opportunity to drop her lowlife (yes, most affair down - it's a complement to you really) and work on our family and marriage. She said 'I can't do that right now'. I filed later that day.
Not because I'm a tough guy (I cried for days and remain devastated) but because I could not even pretend that either me or our children could live with another man in the relationship.
Great advise. Logic dictates my actions, emotions hold my pain. I march on knowing there is a brighter future (it's just on the other side of this giant shit field of pain).
I was just in the same predicament yesterday. I want to know WHY to all of this too!!! I hear you and feel you!! My favorite saying right now is, "wake me up when this is over".
However, all we can do is one day at a time, one step at a time, and one breath at a time. Keep hanging on!!
You can see more of my story on my blog here: http://thatcraftylunchlady.com/?p=833
"Never give up hope and let time heal you"
Time does take care of some of this, but I have to admit that I still find myself becoming disconnected at times. I am really lucky it didn't destroy my perf review at work because I screwed up a lot of things during the 1st few weeks. Having an understanding manager makes all the difference in the world.
I agree with 5454Real. The 180 is very important to people like us. It keeps you focused, out of trouble, out of the house and into a more abundant and vibrant life....and avoids the self-pity and other destructive emotions.
I struggle daily with what was done to me and what was said about me by my lying, deceitful,wayward spouse. But I am moving on, even if I take a few steps back from time to time.
It's a long, hard road. You're at the beginning.
It gets better. One day at a time.
You won't see the progress all at once. For me, the baby steps were when I found I could concentrate at work for a whole hour. When I realized it was lunchtime and I hadn't cried yet today. When my IC suggested I schedule a time and place to cry, to get it out of my system so I wouldn't be blindsided by it. When I realized I had gone a whole week without crying. When I realized I didn't need antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs any more.
That about covers my first year.
You look back at one month, 3 months, 6 months, and if you're doing the work for yourself, you'll see progress.
You'll also have the fun of the roller-coaster, when you are a little bit healed, but then it all comes down again.
The good part about that is that you bounce back a little quicker each time, and the next drop gets a little smaller, and shorter.
The trauma is instantaneous; the healing is slow, irregular, and has setbacks. But healing happens, and with it comes the survival.
I fell apart when this happened. I mean completely fell apart. I was that way for a very long time. It's like finding out one day that the sun isn't going to come up. Your whole belief about everything gets put in the spotlight.
Tell your boss what's up. I told mine and he was VERY understanding. I actually think the same thing happened to him.
You will get over it but it takes time. The swings in the way you feel are the worst but it will pass.
Justinpain, do you have a good buddy you can call on right now? Someone who can take you out for a bit. I know it won't things all better but you could probably use some relief. Swing a golf club? Batting cage? Racquet ball. Great stress reliever in order.
I do believe you are in IC as I see others have mentioned it.
The bottom line. You will survive this. You have done so much so far. Healing is not linear. This will take some time.
[This message edited by LA44 at 1:23 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]
I was saying how cool it would be to hang out and have a beer or coffee with the people here. We do in our own way and I am grateful.
I appreciate the thoughts and prayers. I am a man of very strong faith as well and this has grown tremendously. You're linear comment is so true. so true.
I know the pain comes from the fact that this will never make sense to me. My moral compass is not broken.
I have been focussing on my kids. Planning activities with them. Some days they are the reason I breathe.
I do feel a little bad though. I villify my WW here alot based upon her actions, but I know she is suffering and struggling in her own world as well. Depression and low self worth. I know she demonizes me to create barriers to facing the results of her decisions. I really do pity her. But unlike before I can't swoop in and rescue her. Only she can.
And she refuses transparency?
Turn off her phone.
Turn the internet off at home.
Stop putting gas in her car.
If you are funding her affairs in ANY way..stop..NOW.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.