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justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 10:15 AM

I have days where I feel I am healing and getting stronger and then I have a moment like this: My boss tells me my presentation yesterday seemed disconnected and aloof. I tell him I am going through hell. He is very understanding but I feel even smaller because I can barely function in life.

Why is this destroying every layer of my life. Why did she have to hurt me so bad? Why can't I not care and get over it already. Sorry to whine I am just destroyed.

Howie posted 3/26/2014 10:52 AM

I don know how far out your are from discovery; I am sure many here can identify and your frank statement brings my own reactions very feelingly to mind. I was absolutely in love with my wife, everything was good and I was totally blindsided to learn of her two year affair with my "best" friend.For months, I really wanted to die and thought,"hoped" I would simply from the stress and-well--agony. For four months,I can see I was also totally dysfunctional, well partially functional at work and in most jobs, I would have been fired (as a quiet research librarian, folks mostly didn't notice). It was living death. What got to me-and still does, was not so much the sex(our sex was better than good) but the lies, two years of her looking me fully in the face, smiling--and lying.
I mention all this as my resume. You know already, you are going to have better days and bad days,its not linear. It seems "to destroy every layer of your life." Yes. But -odd phrase -trust me.It doesn't.There is a deeper, resilient layer of your being-surely touched, profoundly wounded but I assure you vital, resistant, not beaten. The recovery process not linear but an un even slope rising back to your real life.It is going to be bad for ...well me,basically six months of hell. But your brain is all the time working to get back(except in cases-- and it happens of severe long term clinical depression)to a normal state and in most cases -see accounts here on SI,it does. Somethings can help; I kept a journal to box my anger, I stayed very busy (as busy as I could)I exercised a lot and yes, I did need 6 weeks of weekly one hour counseling just to talk-rather than scream, it out.
Don' t despair, your good life is still out there,
it is a real thing, waiting for you. Not to be like crude but there was a point -months later when I had enough to think "My wife was a real b---h." And really what did THAT have to do with ME? In a sense,nothing.Take care.

Uhtred posted 3/26/2014 11:21 AM

I can relate to those same feelings. I'm not sure how far out you are from discovery but I can tell you that things do get better with time.

The depression caused by this is unreal. Please don't let yourself start drinking and doing things that will impede your healing.

Is your wife transparent and wanting to Reconcile?
I think the biggest thing for me was all of the lies and deceit. The person you thought you knew is now a complete stranger. Just like you I thought my ww and I had a damn good relationship with problems just like anyone else.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and the pain is enormous but we have to keep going forward. You can't unring a bell brother. Please get some counseling and try and get a physical hobby for an outlet. Keep posting.

craig2001 posted 3/26/2014 11:30 AM

Whatever you do, do not start drinking.

Do things that are good for you mind and body, something that will make you feel better.

If you are the type to work out at all, go to the gym and just do a little or go for a swim. Just being around people working out might make you feel better. If you don't belong to a gym or the Y, you can get day passes.

Go for fast walks in any near park. Do things that will make you feel better mentally and physically.

Go get some vitamins. B-complex is good for nerves. Drink lots of water, since being dehydrated will make you feel tired and generally icky.

I was a total mess for many months dealing with the ups and downs, the questions and the TT.

Merlin posted 3/26/2014 11:32 AM

One day, one step, one breath at a time.

In the beginning, that's all you can do.

Get to a therapist. You need help to process all this and it's going to take time.

justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 11:32 AM

Thanks, I am 3 month from discovey. My wife has been completely unwilling to do te had wok fo R. No tansparency, no IC, lately demonizing me (I think the EAs have restated but have no way of knowing fo sure).

Started 180 a 4 days ago and was doing better but today was tough. My wife seems to like the 180, she hasn't seemed to cae I not around her. I feel thrown away, it really hurts.

Uhtred posted 3/26/2014 11:38 AM

If she's not willing to R or do any work then you need to knock her off that fence brother. When she picks herself up off the ground her head will be spinning.

She doesn't get to behave like that she is married to you and you don't need to sit and take it. She'll see what she is losing. Expose her and kill the fantasy that she is having.

I understand you love her but you can't nice her back into anything.

5454real posted 3/26/2014 11:42 AM

she hasn't seemed to cae I not around her. I feel thrown away, it really hurts.

This is exactly why the 180 is so important. It gives YOU the time and space to rediscover who you are. TBH, what she wants/likes/desires NEEDS to become irrelevant to you. Rediscover who the person inside you is. Why is the opinion of a lying, cheating slut even relevant? You've lost sight of the fact that YOU are the prize.

In a different light, say you had never married. In that context, would you be attracted to the person she is showing you that she is?


justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 11:45 AM

So true: Drinking is not an option. MY WW has been drinking more but that's her problem. I told my IC drinking would help but would only tranfer pain, not heal. So no worries.

I filled out D paperwork and should have court papers early next week. I will not nice the issue. I plan to sit her down and plainly say' " Look I love you and wanted this M to survive but you are not willing to do the hard work so I have to focus on me and the kids".

My wife works 10 hours a week for mad money. I pay all bills, cook meals. She does no housework (yes I was a good little codependent.). The guys she's talking to are scumbags. Their posts degrade women. They are yeas younger. They would not have the means to support her lifestyle. Not bragging, I just have worked my ass off for 20 yeas to build a good career.

Please keep giving me advise, I hang on these posts for support.

Brandon808 posted 3/26/2014 11:52 AM

So sorry you're going through this. I've been where you are. If you're not in IC then find one. It's been invaluable for me.

Howie posted 3/26/2014 12:10 PM

Then you do have one advantage which is crucial and you are using it correctly ,indeed manfully. If the betrayer isn't truthful about what happened, doesn't accept the blame, doesn't vow and Do better, doesn't apologize and most crucially (but all these are vital) express and feel real remorse (did you deserve lies? whatever human faults you may have had) then, it is over.It wasn't even there. There is no basis for relationship and she deserves to be dumped. Because there is nothing to stop her in the future.Nothing. And-so you can have a real life. No matter how much you have invested in the marriage, nothing is worth a relationship with an uncaring "partner" who puts you in the slavery of deceit.
You are taking the right actions. Carry on.

Merlin posted 3/26/2014 12:13 PM

Drop the self-definition of co-dependent. It cannot help you.

I offered my ex-w a clear opportunity to drop her lowlife (yes, most affair down - it's a complement to you really) and work on our family and marriage. She said 'I can't do that right now'. I filed later that day.

Not because I'm a tough guy (I cried for days and remain devastated) but because I could not even pretend that either me or our children could live with another man in the relationship.

justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 12:16 PM

Thanks Merlin....labels dropped.

Great advise. Logic dictates my actions, emotions hold my pain. I march on knowing there is a brighter future (it's just on the other side of this giant shit field of pain).

LeftOutintheCold posted 3/26/2014 12:23 PM


I was just in the same predicament yesterday. I want to know WHY to all of this too!!! I hear you and feel you!! My favorite saying right now is, "wake me up when this is over".

However, all we can do is one day at a time, one step at a time, and one breath at a time. Keep hanging on!!

ExpatSouth posted 3/26/2014 12:26 PM

justinpaintoday: It's been 7 mos since I discovered the affair, and she moved out that day.

Time does take care of some of this, but I have to admit that I still find myself becoming disconnected at times. I am really lucky it didn't destroy my perf review at work because I screwed up a lot of things during the 1st few weeks. Having an understanding manager makes all the difference in the world.

I agree with 5454Real. The 180 is very important to people like us. It keeps you focused, out of trouble, out of the house and into a more abundant and vibrant life....and avoids the self-pity and other destructive emotions.

I struggle daily with what was done to me and what was said about me by my lying, deceitful,wayward spouse. But I am moving on, even if I take a few steps back from time to time.

TrustedHer posted 3/26/2014 12:37 PM

I've been on SI 5 years and 2 days longer than you have.

It's a long, hard road. You're at the beginning.

It gets better. One day at a time.

You won't see the progress all at once. For me, the baby steps were when I found I could concentrate at work for a whole hour. When I realized it was lunchtime and I hadn't cried yet today. When my IC suggested I schedule a time and place to cry, to get it out of my system so I wouldn't be blindsided by it. When I realized I had gone a whole week without crying. When I realized I didn't need antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs any more.

That about covers my first year.

You look back at one month, 3 months, 6 months, and if you're doing the work for yourself, you'll see progress.

You'll also have the fun of the roller-coaster, when you are a little bit healed, but then it all comes down again.

The good part about that is that you bounce back a little quicker each time, and the next drop gets a little smaller, and shorter.

The trauma is instantaneous; the healing is slow, irregular, and has setbacks. But healing happens, and with it comes the survival.

damaged71 posted 3/26/2014 13:06 PM

I was a paratrooper and I am a veteran, I am self-made and so on. I am the guy everyone calls on. I am always calm and always steady. You could go as far as to say I am stoic. I genuinely thought I was unflappable.

I fell apart when this happened. I mean completely fell apart. I was that way for a very long time. It's like finding out one day that the sun isn't going to come up. Your whole belief about everything gets put in the spotlight.

Tell your boss what's up. I told mine and he was VERY understanding. I actually think the same thing happened to him.

You will get over it but it takes time. The swings in the way you feel are the worst but it will pass.

LA44 posted 3/26/2014 13:22 PM

Hey jipt and everyone else I am really sorry for your pain today. I am following your story justinpain and you have shown incredible strength so far. As a SAHM, I would marvel at the working gals and guys who had to show up, face on for a long day carrying their pain. Truly awful! At least I could hibernate, go for a drive, gym, etc. and not have to think about putting a presentation together.

Justinpain, do you have a good buddy you can call on right now? Someone who can take you out for a bit. I know it won't things all better but you could probably use some relief. Swing a golf club? Batting cage? Racquet ball. Great stress reliever in order.

I do believe you are in IC as I see others have mentioned it.

The bottom line. You will survive this. You have done so much so far. Healing is not linear. This will take some time.

[This message edited by LA44 at 1:23 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]

justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 13:39 PM

Thanks LA44: I have have a great friend (also an attorney-has done divorces). He has been a lifeline. My parents know and are supportive. My pastor has been awesome. IC counselor is great. And I have all you people here.

I was saying how cool it would be to hang out and have a beer or coffee with the people here. We do in our own way and I am grateful.

I appreciate the thoughts and prayers. I am a man of very strong faith as well and this has grown tremendously. You're linear comment is so true. so true.

I know the pain comes from the fact that this will never make sense to me. My moral compass is not broken.

I have been focussing on my kids. Planning activities with them. Some days they are the reason I breathe.

I do feel a little bad though. I villify my WW here alot based upon her actions, but I know she is suffering and struggling in her own world as well. Depression and low self worth. I know she demonizes me to create barriers to facing the results of her decisions. I really do pity her. But unlike before I can't swoop in and rescue her. Only she can.

confused615 posted 3/26/2014 13:46 PM

You pay for everything?

And she refuses transparency?

Turn off her phone.

Turn the internet off at home.

Stop putting gas in her car.

If you are funding her affairs in ANY way..stop..NOW.

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