I am so angry. Anger isn't even the right word. I want to scream at my wife at the top of my lungs. I couldn't dream of causing her any harm in any way. But, my anger is so severe I believe the things I need to get out she cannot handle. It is ironic because the fact she can't handle the consequences of her A piss me off even more. She has run from our marriage. I am so pissed I could break everything around me.
My story isn't anything unique. My wife started her affair with a co worker from June of 2013 till Jan of 2014. She did this while we were separated and I was seeking intense IC for my child hood sexual trauma which lead to my attempted suicide in May of 2013. I have come to understand how my trauma has traumatized my wife and she dealt with it in her own way. But, that is what PISSES me off. She was so damn f8769ng selfish with her own pain that she went out and screwed some other guy. It is thought suicide is selfish, but anyone who has professional or personal experience with suicide will educate you it is nothing selfish. I was in a whole my whole life, dealing with SEVERE sexual abuse, trying to merely survive as a kid, and later my emotional well being, was a daily WAR. I was in more pain than I can even describe. And my wife...instead of being there for me went out and had unprotected sex...DOZENS AND DOZENS of times with an ahole of piece of shit. I am not saying this lightly, he IS a piece of shit. He has since used his medical position at his work (the same hospital I stayed at to get my therapy) to use me personally to harm my wife (because he is a immature, selfish ahole like my wife). He contacted me originally, used my attempted suicide against me, and caused much more damage. He ACTUALLY tried to break up our attempts to repair our marriage by telling me more information about the A. Don't worry, I have since taken SEVERE action and obtained a lawyer, filed a report with the hospital's patient relations, and am having him investigated for criminal and civil acts. I dont care if it ruins his life - I battled through hell and back to get to where I am at today just to be able to live and I will be damned if anyone puts me in a fire fight and I am not left standing.
Obviously I have a reason to me mad. But you know what makes me even more mad...my wife's giving up on our marriage and working things out. I hear WS talk about how they love you but are not in love with you. That is a crock of BS and these people are the most immature of their kind. GROW UP, learn that love is CHOICE and your feelings, those feelings which are so fickle, are the result of HARD work and dedication...honor, character, and LOVE. All of you, like my wife, don't have the slightest understanding of what commitment takes. My wife, like many of you, got caught, was seeing the consequences of her selfishness play out, started seeing the damage and pain it was causing, and BAILED. She ran away because she couldn't handle dealing with the results of her actions. She ran from the battle and is a coward. You know what?! LEAVE...all of you. I, like many of us, are the type of people who are weary from a long life of wars....all of you hurting people out there. Get behind us...we do not look like much, but we have been through all sorts of hell. We are not afraid. We know how to face the shit that life has and we will continue to fight for what is right and what is just. To all those cowards out there that use their "feelings" as excuses to run tail and hide - go. Run from the battle. It is us that will stand tall at the end of the day, riddled with scars from the pain selfish, weak people like you cause. Scars heal and the scar tissue left over is stronger than what was once innocent skin. Scars are left over evidence of strength through adversity.
To my weak wife, and to all the selfish people out there - one day you will need a strong person to stand behind when the bullets and bombs of life fly by, when the rubber meets the road, when you can no longer run from the consequences your actions and choices have created - and if you see yourself without a strong person to shield you it is your own fault. You CHOSE to leave the person who loved you and who was stronger than your "feelings" and selfishness. When I go about my life and see people like you on the side bleeding out I do not hesitate to leave you in your misery. My energy is better spent on the brave people who do not run from the consequences of their choices, but stay and face what they do. The punching bag and my passion to help advocate for abused and neglected children of the welfare system will be the focus of my energy - NOT YOU.
To all the WS who stick it out and work their asses off to R and protect their spouses - you are warriors who deserve a medal. You take responsibility for the hell storm you brought on your family and I commend you. Our choices do not define us. Taking responsibility, facing the truth of what our mistakes cause is a true sign of remorse. Carry on and do not give up - your courage will pay off and no matter what happens when the dust settles you will be proud of what you see in the mirror. I wish my wife was as loving as you.
Thank you for hearing me
[This message edited by justme1264 at 1:25 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]
You have been heard. And understood.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I did bellow at my WH, it's a good thing we have no close neighbors.
and I know he wanted to run.
I'm very sorry that your W doesn't not have the fortitude to face what she has done.
I wish I had better words for you, just know that you have been heard, and acknowledged.
((MOREHUGS))
(((justme1264)))
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
As for your wife, it will turn out the same as most affairs do. The OM is infected with moral turpitude and the relationship will founder as over 90% of such relationships do. Cheaters invariably cheat on one another and she will get her just rewards ultimately.
I am so sorry you've been dealt this shitty hand.
Sending you strength and peace...
It's not fair, any ot it, and I offer my support.
I would also look for a healthy chanel for that anger now; Exercise, trip, punching bag, anything, but focus it.
You will get through it. Just take one moment at a time. In a few months, you'll be thinking WTF?! What did I see in her?
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min
ETA - I want to print this out and hand it to my mother for my father on her day of reckoning that my mother is going to have with me.
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 12:44 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]
I wish you some peace!
Most of the time I want my FWH to just leave because I hate aweful the pain he & OW caused.
He stays forcing us to work on it and I know I've been really difficult to deal with since d-day. He never once considered leaving - running and now I will acknowledge that!
I felt it important for both my own healing and perhaps others who may benefit to share my thoughts and feelings a bit more...
Regarding Revenge and Courage Be careful with this concept. True revenge 99.9% of the time hurts you even more and leaves a deep mark on who you are as a person. However, standing up for yourself and seeing justice done, protecting what is right and fighting for the truth is a whole different story. This is empowerment and as ironic as it sounds - protecting what you love, your marriage (regardless if it ends in D), your WS, and your self. The fact is we need to experience the consequences of our actions if we are ever to grow and reach our true potential as individuals. This, I believe is what separates the cowardly from the dignified.
I acknowledge to be a WS working on R it takes courage, character, resolve, and grit to stand and face the war that your mistakes have caused. With that said, it needs to be noted it takes even more grit to be the BS and have to face the war your WS placed you in, alone, without them. I believe this is because while you were fighting your own demons, the wife/husband you love, and your marriage, your WS struck you (even stabbed you) in the back where you were most vulnerable. Let's be honest and look within the reality of what is going on - your marriage, like mine, like everyone's, is a combination of 50% brokenness from each spouse. We are fighting a hard battle to self understanding and dealing with numerous trails and errors. As the BS we did not expect the one person we thought it was okay to be vulnerable with to take advantage. At first, and many times, we, the BS, will feel as if it is our fault - if only we did XYZ, or were better at fighting out battles, or could have reacted to XYZ better, then maybe they wouldn't have left us and hurt our very souls. This thinking is valid BUT it is not realistic to the truth. We all marry for various reasons. Most of us may even marry out of brokenness. We are seeking a partner in life to face life and our demons with - someone who will get into any foxhole with and battle it out. If anyone has ever had experience with War you will know that what gets you through the hell of battle is the person beside you. We cannot do this life alone and we are not meant to. The fact is your spouse, the life partner in your foxhole abandoned you when the real bullets started flying and body parts started appearing. They are cowards and left you to face unimaginable alone. This is the route of my pain and hurt. My wife, the woman I have done and would do anything for, the woman I literally would have grabbed, held tight, and went down in a sinking ship with just so that she didn't have to be alone, left me to fight alone. She ran when it got tough and I am deeply disappointed. I believed she was not a coward. I knew she was struggling like so many - but not a coward. This is the pain we BS experience in the deepest way only another BS can relate. We are angry at ourselves for exposing our weak side to someone who left it to take a massive blow. It literally feels like you may be dying and in some ways you are. But you will realize this will not kill you. You are knocked down and you will learn you are not defeated. Your character will be tested and you will soon see if you are too a coward or are a warrior. Will you run from the war you are in or will you stay and fight? Take the time to lay where you are, feel the pain you are feeling, look at your wounds and see the blood seep out. When you are able to start to patch yourself up - read every post you can on these forums - read The Healing Library - drink water - eat healthy - go to the gym - hug your dog - cry with a friend - get IC (when you have the strength). This will be one of the hardest experiences of your life. There will be times you do not have the strength, there will be times of triumph and set backs. You will make mistakes and want to give up. Take a breath and take the time to feel. Realize you are a wounded warrior. There is a reason we do not send wounded warriors back into combat. Take the time to heal and you will re-enter the world much stronger, smarter, and more capable to jump back in the foxhole. Only this time, you will be wiser on choosing who you jump in with.
Do not give up, do not surrender..never ever surrender. You cannot fail if you keep waking up every day. Do not allow yourself to believe love doesn't exist. Learn what love really is and learn how to spot it. Live your life and live to love. In the end, our investment in people and ourselves is what we carry on from this world - nothing else matters.
[This message edited by justme1264 at 2:12 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]
We're here for you.
((((((Justme1264))))))
Be sure to not minimize anything you are feeling or have to justify/apologize. No matter how you react it is NORMAL. If you husband is truly the man you deserve to be with he will take the punches and keep fighting to protect you and your marriage. Remember - what you are going through as the BS is a result of the hell storm his errors and betrayal have caused. Think to yourself - if you were him what would you expect of yourself? How would you expect yourself to handle the consequences and make right what was done wrong?
You deserve a spouse to fight for you, with you, and on behalf of you. Don't get me wrong, there will be times he is hurt by your reactions; but if he is the man of remorse he will realize it is not your fault and he will think about YOU and not how he feels. He will continue to stand by you and protect your marriage till you are able to heal and stand beside him in this life of adversities. I hope the best for you and HOPE to hell he stays by your side while you are healing. This process is 100000000000 times easier on the BS when the WS is acting out of true remorse. Be sure to become a student of what real remorse is and how to spot it. This will make it easier to clearly, and objectively identify if your spouse can be trusted as your ally in this or is an enemy whom will cause you more harm. This is very important and could mean the difference in your healing or further pain.
With love
[This message edited by justme1264 at 2:39 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]
I hear you. I can tell just by your signature the war you were put in by your parent's cowardliness has left untold damages.
This is such a tough thing. People, at times in their life, are so vulnerable especially as children. We are left unprotected and the results are very real. Sometimes the damages are so severe there is no healing from. They take limbs off and we have to learn how to go on without a vital part of our existence. My heart goes out to you and know you are not alone. You are in like-company. Look around you long enough and you will see others who are living their lives without a vital piece of themselves, learning how to manage when others have their whole selves.
My hope for myself and everyone out there who is a BS, that we have the wisdom to go through this process with patience and resolve. And especially to the BSs who's WS has jumped ship - we are a special bunch - learn to let go and what that means. Learn to own your shit and let them own theirs. Accept the death for what it is and do not let resentment build in your heart, but instead understanding and resolve to heal. You may not have been wise enough to reach your spouse before they gave up, but you have the heart to continue the fight and are NOT the one who ran from your battles. Remember, we are still in the fight, breathing, LIVING, and the rewards are immense. Our WS are the ones who bailed and will eventually realize they took the path which cannot lead to anything other than further misery. Your pain is finite while their is infinite till they turn around and start fighting themselves. The following lyrics speak true to our situation and I hope you find comfort.
"Say Something"
Say something, I'm giving up on you I'll be the one, if you want me to Anywhere I would've followed you Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I am feeling so small It was over my head I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall I'm still learning to love Just starting to crawl
Say something, I'm giving up on you I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you Anywhere I would've followed you Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I will swallow my pride You're the one that I love And I'm saying goodbye
Say something, I'm giving up on you And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh) Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something, I'm giving up on you Say something...
[This message edited by justme1264 at 4:27 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]
