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lilacs40 posted 3/26/2014 17:24 PM

WH refused to give full transparency which I could have lived with (I know I shouldn't have but was willing to try). So I told him today that I expected he would have some other ways to build trust and that i would like to see some effort over the next two weeks. If I didn't I would file for divorce.

He said that he had no idea how to go about doing that. I responded with read a book, search the Internet, or ask a friend. He said that he's not much for self help and didn't going to MC count for anything. I said it did but that's not the sum of all the effort you should be putting into this.

He said that he just doesn't know what to do. I said ok if you know that know than I guess there's no need to wait. Only problem is I know the lawyer is out of town and now I will have to wait until Monday.

Really wish I could do it now before I back down.

Holly-Isis posted 3/26/2014 18:27 PM


Funny- they can go to the effort to figure out how to cheat, but not to fix what they destroyed.

Getting to Happy posted 3/26/2014 22:01 PM

If he is interested and you want to make one last go of it....

there is a small tome that can be downloaded from the internet called: "How to help your spouse heal from your affair".

It will spell out how to help you heal. Step by step. He could read it in a day.

Mr. Happy was clueless about how to be remorseful not just regretful he was caught! He read it in a day! It really help us jumpstart our healing from his nasty trysts.

If your WH refuses and gives you more excuses then he really does not want to do anything.

It is worth a try...

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 10:02 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]

Gr8Lady posted 3/26/2014 22:30 PM

Funny- they can go to the effort to figure out how to cheat, but not to fix what they destroyed.

Boy that is so true! That is a no brainier for WS to understand, yet they do not.

Have you considered MC? He needs a wake up call.

Stay strong!

[This message edited by Gr8Lady at 10:34 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]

blakesteele posted 3/26/2014 22:53 PM

Funny- they can go to the effort to figure out how to cheat, but not to fix what they destroyed.

Aaaahhhhhhh. Much wisdom here.


That "I want to but just can't" act just won't hold water......won't hold a M together much less make a candidate for the gift of R to be offered.

I pray for you both right now. Regardless of your futures together, you both owe it to yourselves to fix and heal what you can on your own. You are showing a strong desire to do this....and that humbleness and determination will serve you well. IF your husband could just see this strong character trait in you ........

God is with us all.

cancuncrushed posted 3/27/2014 09:51 AM

GIve him some books..Many are recommended.. Some WS really do not know how.. Really..They do not read SI like we do..AND we have all read and Read.. How much did you know when you logged on here? Its a wealth of information....A book or two cant hurt him...Its eye opening.... My H is very educated upper management career man...He has no clue....about remorse, depression, transparency,..therapy...none

norabird posted 3/27/2014 10:03 AM

When you know, you know. It's so sad how little they are able to offer. When you finally know what you deserve and what your boundaries are it both becomes very clear when they can't measure up--and very sad too that it's not within their ability.


Sending you some backbone.

BtraydWife posted 3/27/2014 10:03 AM

You know if he wanted to figure out how to obtain some doodad in a stupid video game, or whatever his waste of time hobby is, that he'd be scouring all kinds of media looking for help.

He does know what to do. He's not that stupid.

I fell into this trap to. Don't you do it. I thought I could help him figure it out. The truth is he doesn't want to do it.

He doesn't want to do it and he can't be honest with you. Scratch that-he can't be direct with you. He has already refused transparency. He IS telling you that he refuses to work on this. Don't ever confuse the two. He does know, he chooses not to.

I'm so sorry. Remember the above if you feel yourself backing down. He told you he chooses not to. Before you see the lawyer you can kick him out.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 10:08 AM, March 27th (Thursday)]

TrulySad posted 3/27/2014 10:15 AM

Even seeing a lawyer wont make something carved in stone. If you feel you're done, keep repeating that to yourself. Write it down. Tell him to leave, and announce you are officially separated. Change the locks, change your status on any social media. Remove your ring. Tell a close friend, you are over. Be proactive about being separated. Trust me when I say this helps with maintaining that backbone.

I don't believe his excuses for a second. If he wanted you and your marriage enough, he would do whatever it takes. Don't hold his hand and do it for him. He needs to take the initiative. Since he isn't, you need to move forward with your life. Make it clear that you are no longer wasting another day waiting around for him to realize you're worth the effort.

If for some reason he finally decides he wants to throw himself completely in to doing whatever he can to get you back, you always have the option to reconsider the D. In the meantime, keep moving forward.

Going forward with a D isn't just about talking with the L. It's actually more about being done, and knowing you deserve better...then demanding nothing less. The date for the lawyers appt is just step in the right direction.

Good luck and I hope you find some peace...

lilacs40 posted 3/27/2014 11:38 AM

Thanks all. I agree he could if he wanted. Whether its me he doesn't want or to fix himself he just doesn't want it bad enough.

I feel like I failed my kids. I can walk away with my head held high that I did everything in my power to fix this. I just can't control WH and his feelings but that doesn't mean that I don't feel like I failed my kids.

I will sign the paperwork and see if WH can be served all in one week. DS bday and DD bday is coming up so I will wait to tell the kids. Although I'm pretty sure DD won't be too surprised.

Thanks again

norabird posted 3/27/2014 15:43 PM

You did NOT fail your kids. He did. Remember that.

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