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Need fast Help!!! Tipping Point

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justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 17:52 PM

I have been doing the 180 for 4 days. Tonight my wife said she had to talk to me and I wouldn't like it. I said what? She said "I'm done, I asked you to just be my friend and you've ignored me for 4 days. Your texts were K and that's all". I said "yeah I'm done too".

I asked if she had filed and she said no so I told her I did. She asked when and I told her I could have the papers sent to her attorney. She said she wanted her parents to see them first.

I said okay and went in the other room. She followed me and said "I just needed you to be my friend" I said "I am your friend but I want a wife." I said "I've asked you to do basic things to participate in R and you haven't. your defenses are too high"

She said "Of course I can't you said you'd make my life miserable if we stayed together (I don't remember that but likely out of context), and you told your parents disgracing me"

Here's where I failed the 180. I said " I want you to know I fought tooth and nail to save this. I gave everything to save this. I know right now you have to demonize me to protect yourself but someday your gonna realize that the man before you would have loved you for the rest of your life. (I cried a bit)"

So what do I do now? I need some real guidance from those that have wisdom. Please help. I'm a mental wreck.

annb posted 3/26/2014 18:14 PM

Hi, justinpain, regardless of "slightly falling off the 180 wagon" by showing her your emotions, you are doing great! Keep in mind the 180 is for you, to help you detach. It is not to bring her out of the fog.

"Of course I can't you said you'd make my life miserable if we stayed together (I don't remember that but likely out of context), and you told your parents disgracing me

^^She is trying to deflect from the issue of her not wanting to R or doing any of the hard work and looking inward. Blaming you once again for her actions instead of her being accountable herself.

Friends do not treat people the way she has treated you, without respect.

Continue what you are doing. Don't engage unless absolutely necessary. You told her what you are feeling, now let it rest. Keep the ball in your court, just try to be a bit less emotional. Very hard, I understand.

You will be ok! Are you able to get out of the house for a walk or a jog or a drive to a coffee shop to get your emotions back in check?

justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 18:18 PM

Hanging at local stop, typing away to my lifeline online therapists.

damaged71 posted 3/26/2014 18:21 PM

I used exercise as an out. Some days I HAD TO exercise.

I sent you a pm btw. I was worried about reading your situation right but it looks like Annb and I read it the same way.

justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 18:23 PM


She is trying to deflect from the issue of her not wanting to R or doing any of the hard work and looking inward. Blaming you once again for her actions instead of her being accountable herself.


She has always been very defensive and untrusting (didn't trust MC pastor, wouldn't go to IC and doesn't trust the intentions of my IC.

I will take your advise and keep it low key and as emotionless as possible. I am so torn: Part of me says "Come back to me, I love you". and another part says "thanks for ripping my heart out and wiping you a** with it, now go away".

Crazy crazy world...I think I should buy a dog (loyal and loving).

Red Sox Nation posted 3/26/2014 18:34 PM

The 180 isn't easy. I could never follow it. Which made the pain a little more intense at times, but it never got worse than in those moments of unpleasant interaction.

The 180 is a good tool for when you can begin the healing process. It isn't meant to be a formula for fixing anything.

When people are having affairs, they invent a reality for themselves. In your wife's new reality, you're a friend who co-parents and allows your kindred spirit to explore her life of candy songbirds and unicorn princesses. Ultimately, whatever she says while in this state is irrelevant.

You're searching for the perfect phrase or action that will knock her back into your reality. It won't happen. She's not in a place where she's going to listen to reason. There's nothing you could have said or done in the last four days that would have changed this.

Don't be in such a hurry. If you're getting good legal advice, follow it. If you're not, find it.

I think you should continue the 180 if you can. It sounds like she's realizing there's a problem now. If she were completely in fantasy-land, she wouldn't be so bothered by the 180. Just don't negotiate with her if she does crack a little. It's really all or nothing when it comes to active affairs.

Freeme posted 3/26/2014 19:15 PM

From your other thread

3 months out: WW will not be transparent at all (got a separate phone line). Won't go to IC. Won't even come back to church with family (shame). I have seen her taking selfies again lately and hiding her phone when I approach.

Sounds like someone I'd like as a Friend (not)

I think you handled the conversation really well. She probably wanted you to beg her to work on your marriage again.

She's mad at you for telling your parents she was cheating???? She shouldn't have an A!!!

Also, do you know who the OM is? Did you out him to his wife?

Merlin posted 3/26/2014 19:25 PM

You didn't fail. You were discussing the relationship.

What possible reason can she have for wanting her parents to see the divorce petition? Serve her and send them a copy.

When did you say that 'you'd make her life miserable if we stays together? Ever?

You were clear, forthright and emotional - in other words - a human being.

Make her miserable? By not wanting her boinking another guy this making your marriage a sham?

Disgraced her? By telling your parents what was happening?

Allow her her alternative universe.

You have more important things to do.

justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 19:25 PM

There were several EA men online the main one is single divorced father. The PA is also single. I think you're right though I think she was really surprised by my lack of reaction Honestly I'm just tired of fighting for my marriage all by myself.

LeftOutintheCold posted 3/26/2014 19:27 PM


I have no answers, just thoughts of strength for you. I'm so sorry to hear your pain, but understand it so well.

annb posted 3/26/2014 19:32 PM

Hi, again, just wanted to suggest that you check out the I Can Relate forum, the thread for Betrayed Men only. Great group of guys, and you will get tons of sage of advice from the veterans here who have BTDT. You'll also chuckle a bit, which will give you a moment of respite from this nightmare!

justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 19:36 PM

Merlin. Thanks for your wisdom. She want your parents to see because they both been through divorces in the past and have been counseling her on who the hell knows what.

I think I handled things pretty well. Crazy as it sounds I do still love her. She's become quite an awful person. I know a lot of it has to do with her insecurity and defensive. But lately I've been starting to think that maybe she's just not a good person. That's a tough thing to say I got to tell you.

Kind of feeling a little numb right now which is okay numb good. Three weeks ago I would've been in tears right now so I think I'm making progress.

Holly-Isis posted 3/26/2014 20:25 PM

I don't know about you, but I prefer to be able to trust my friends. If she's not acting in a manner that proves the A is over and she's heading towards a healthy attitude, she doesn't make the friend cut.

If she's not ready to fight for you and the M, temporarily setting herself aside instead of first, she doesn't make the W cut.

Like someone else said, the 180 is for you.

justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 20:43 PM

You're right it's so funny throughout this whole thing my wife is said you're so selfish this is only about you. She said I'm hurting too in which I would acknowledge "i know that and I'm eager to talk about it and have u start IC".

I think one day she'll wake up and realize all. Not necessarily the most exciting life. But happy content a husband forever who adored her. So so so so unnecessary, sad .

nomistakeaboutit posted 3/26/2014 20:55 PM


I'm sorry for your pain. I've been following your thread and have a couple of thoughts for you. As hard as it may be to do, consider that she truly may be done and has been for some time. Your very temporary distancing (ala' the 180) provided her with only the faintest of reasons to become annoyed. What did she do with it? She bypassed annoyance and instead slammed the door on your marriage. What does that tell you? It is the equivalent of a judge hearing a case for someone who was charged with speeding and deciding the penalty should be death.

It's all illogical, of course. She cheats, but when you distance yourself for a few days she wants a divorce?

You are absolutely not obligated to indulge her request for her parents to review anything. You are not married to her parents.
Personally, I would just have her served. Period.

As you continue to experience pain and sadness for the situation you are in, I hope you will take some comfort in knowing that without true remorse (and she has no true remorse, at all) there will not and cannot be reconciliation. You were forced into this and have followed the absolute correct course. She will try to make this your fault. It is not. You simply did not want to share your wife with another man.

Finally, when you think of how you still love her, be sure to start asking yourself if it is her that you love, or who you thought she was.

Strength to you, my friend.


[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 9:02 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]

momentintime posted 3/26/2014 21:00 PM

and you told your parents disgracing me"

Ummmmm, I think HER behavior disgraced her and she needs to own the consequences of said behavior.

damaged71 posted 3/26/2014 21:37 PM

NMAI hit the nail on the head... Have her served, period.

I think she felt you pulling away and she brought out the "big guns" ...divorce. You standing firm will scare the hell out of her. I think she is counting on you folding.

Also I find it interesting that she is asking for all of these concessions. How is it that she can ask you to be friends and ask you for all of these things?

Did she give you the courtesy of asking your permission before commencing her affair? If she is like my wife she didn't.

So the same woman the so freely violated your trust is now asking for you to be fair?

Just remember you have tried it her way for 3 months and it brought you nothing but pain. Do exactly what you want to do from his point forward, you owe it to yourself.

SeekingPeace84 posted 3/27/2014 00:19 AM

I feel myself becoming more and more offended on your behalf as I read what your WW is doing to you. You do NOT deserve to be treated like this! I'm stunned by her lack of empathy towards you. Why should she get comfort and compassion while she's CURRENTLY cheating!??! Unbelievable.

I, too, am so impressed with how you handled yourself in that confrontation. You showed such strength and courage by what you said to her. Good for you!

I will continue to send prayers and support your way. Stay strong and know that you are worthy of so much better.


justinpaintoday posted 3/27/2014 07:03 AM

Thank you everyone for all the kind words. Truth is I don't know if my wife still cheating. I think the physical affair was a one night stand. The emotional affairs are easier for her to do and more concerning for me. However I have no idea if she still in these affairs since I have zero transparency.

All in all I think I am doing the right thing. Just said the doing the right thing feels so awful. I know I can't make decisions for my present self because I'm not in the right state of mind or heart. I have to make decisions for my future self where I'm loved respected and honored by a wife.

I made a promise to myself last night that I would not give her one more tear. Not sure if I can keep that promise to myself but I'm sure going to try. I still hope and pray my wife will come out of the fog but unfortunately I fear my marriage will suffer the consequences of her selfishness defensiveness and unwillingness to look inside herself.

I've also made a commitment to myself to start to compartmentalize. When I'm at work I'm going to be the best worker I can be. When I'm with my children I'm going to be the best father I can be. And when I'm with my wife I'll be the best man I possibly can be. Obviously not the best husband but the best man. This experience has tested my character. I've been successful sometimes I failed other times and I've learned every time.

I think everyone again for your kind words I asked for your continued prayers as My journey continues. As I pray each and everyone of your journeys ends in happiness regardless of the outcome. Have a good day talk later

nomistakeaboutit posted 3/27/2014 07:27 AM

...sounds like a really good plan. Just remember that when you are dealing with your wife and being the best man you can be, that self respect is very close to the top of the list. Hold your head high. Be cordial to her. Respect you.

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