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What the heck is going on with me...

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justme1264 posted 3/26/2014 18:05 PM

I feel incredibly weird. I am relatively fresh to the process of being a BS. I went through the begging and pleading to work on our marriage ordeal a day after DD. I cried and wept out of incredible shock and pain. I left after being told by my WW she "can't do this anymore, I don't love you, I love him, we are divorcing, either you leave or I leave." I kept emailing and texting her our of complete confusion with NO response from her except for an initial email where she tells me how horrible a person she is, "how much i deserve better, how much she hopes I remember she wasnt always a lying, manipulative b*&ch" and how she is just so so sorry. I went through standing up for myself and taking legal action to protect myself form the OP after they started threatening me (whole other story). Went through her calling me and getting angry that I am messing up her life now and jeopardizing her career by me putting this POS OP in his place. Went through her subsequently calling me back to apologize and admit this is all her doing and not my fault in anyway. Went through a brief moment of intense realization and acceptance of the situation. Went the starting the 180 and doing a damn good job of it these last two days. Went this morning through a incredible bought of anger (as seen in my previous post this AM). And went through today feeling empowered and clear headed, resolved, and strong to continue to fight for my self respect, my life. Started the process to set a clear ultimatum for my wife to file for divorce, advise me if there is any reason OTHER than the fact she wants to reconcile, or stand aside while I file for divorce and no longer put up with her complete disregard for me as her husband, and her treating me horribly.

And now I sit worried. I can't possibly have it all figured out so fast. I can't possibly know how to handle "this" hell storm of being the BS. What will come next? How will I be knocked to my knees again? Just when I think my armor is at full strength I know something is going to happen to rip my life apart again. I can sense it. I just can't understand. This isn't normal - I can't possibly be this far along the healing process. It hasn't been weeks, months, or even has been DAYS.

Advice. Give it to me straight. What the heck am I going through?

justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 18:14 PM

Barring the possibility of a miracle or being completely devoid of human emotion I would suggest you are in the equivalent of shock. I went through that too. Denial, Pleading, NUMB, anger, depression (my current residence), acceptance.

The one person who was supposed to have your back no matter what has betrayed you at the deepest level. If you can recover in a matter of days you will be a millionaire telling others how to make it through.

Give yourself time, heal in a pace your mind can process everything. I hope your story is the exception but unfortunately most of us have not been that lucky. Good Luck and welcome, sorry you have to be here

annb posted 3/26/2014 18:24 PM

justinpaintoday is correct. You are still in shock. Your emotions are all over the place, one day you seem fine, the next you want to stay in bed and not get up....the emotional roller coaster, unfortunately you have just boarded.

You will have peaks and valleys, no doubt about it, but I can assure you after every valley, there will be a peak, and with time you will experience more ups than downs.

I am almost nine years from my D-Day, and looking back thinking about those first few months, the reality really did not sink in that this is my life. It seemed as though I handled my emotions much better those first few weeks until I started learning the ugly truth.

Yes, you will fall to your knees, you will take one step forward and two steps back, but you WILL survive. It probably doesn't feel that way now, but you will get through this.

Are you in IC? If so, maybe schedule your appts weekly rather than bi-weekly, I did that for awhile, and it made a difference. Have you met with your M.D. for temporary medications, they will help you cope. Many of us have relied on them to get us through the days and nights.

justme1264 posted 3/26/2014 18:40 PM


I was in extensive IC for a previous mental health issue. I have a regular IC I was down to once a month after completing a long process of EMDR. But because I had to move nearly 40 miles away from my home I have a very hard time getting to my IC now. I need to find some sort of IC and honestly that is why I am here. This is a great deal of help to see me through this process.

I have the tools to get through this, I am just in a bit of shock I am handling this so well (relatively) considering the huge blow I just took. I think it is because I just finished the end road to my attempted suicide recovery. Long story short - I had been dealing with a life long severe case of depression from a childhood traumatic sexual abuse from an older woman. The details are not important, but it was so severe it later led to my attempted suicide. I had battled my whole life with thoughts of wanting to die. I know this experience and the subsequent help (amazing at that) I obtained had truly thickened my armor and ability to deal with almost anything.

But, I truly was struck down to my knees by my WW's affair and the final DD. I can't explain it. It is as if it took half my heart out and just destroyed it. I dont know what to say...I am walking, dealing, and managing this experience as a BS completely aware half body was blown away from betrayal and I can feel (believe me I can feel it!) the pain of the wound left over. But I just know in my head and heart I can live without that part. It wont kill me. I will survive and be smarter, wiser, more capable eventually.

Am I in shock? Maybe. Or am I just used to this sort of pain? Am I at the point in my life that nothing anymore can shock me? that worries me. I am worried I will lose feeling...

Therapy may be the answer... but honestly I have been through enough therapy and am confident with who I am now more than ever. My IC was merely a upkeep. In fact, it was becoming unnecessary according to the professionals.

I know I need help through this process... I am just thankful I found this site. It helps during those moments when I think, "waaaaait, this isn't quite right" or how to comprehend what I am feeling.

Just getting out my thoughts...

[This message edited by justme1264 at 6:45 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]

justinpaintoday posted 3/26/2014 19:00 PM

Well were glad you're here however you got to realize this is not professional counseling. We're a collection of random individuals with similar experiences trying to help each other out.

I would personally recommend IC for anybody going through this. With your history I would definitely recommend IC. Make taking care of yourself your number one priority. Post often were here to help

annb posted 3/26/2014 19:28 PM

If you don't want to return to IC, please lean on a TRUSTED friend, family member or member of the clergy.

I don't know where you live, but there is a group called BAN? that is a support group to help survivors of infidelity. I think they are in most states, but not necessarily close to where you are living. You might want to check it out.

You were brought down on your knees because a nuclear bomb was dropped on your life, and there you are trying to put the pieces back together. Just take one day at a time and try to keep yourself as busy as possible.

Have you checked out the Betrayed Men Only forum in I Can Relate? Great group of guys who will help you through this, you will also laugh a little, and you can join them on the weekends for some virtual beers! Lots of support down there from a male POV.

[This message edited by annb at 7:29 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]

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