[This message edited by IrishLass518 at 12:01 AM, March 27th (Thursday)]
I would consider her needs with every decision I ever made, I tried so hard to be selfless and considerate but I've realised that she is the opposite, she is selfish and entirely focussed on what she doesn't have.
When my mom told me what was going on, I told her that I always knew something was odd with this relative. I remember vividly many years ago sitting around at a family dinner. She had just had her 4th baby who was beautiful and healthy. She had her husband, her 3 other healthy children, her parents, her brother and his whole family, a good job that she loved, a nice home and many good neighbors and friends. I was sitting at the table finishing up when I heard her say - while holding the new baby - that she felt like "something is missing in my life". She then started rambling about maybe adopting a 5th child or going on some peace corps mission that is much more suited to a college kid with no children. It was so bizarre, but I never forgot it. I remember thinking to myself, "what the hell more could you want??"
Well, we now know that many people who feel this phantom void in their lives are just empty. No matter what goes on in their outside worlds, there is just something in them that craves more. The problem is that they have no idea what it is or how to get it. That's why I feel like once they take that step toward what they think is that "more" that they've wanted for so long, many of them are lost to flounder around that rabbit hole forever.
While TV Character might have everything you or I might want out of life... That doesn't mean she has everything she wants out of life.
Imagine women pre-liberation (or in Radical Islamic regions) who aren't allowed to attend school, hold down even menial jobs much less ones that stretch their minds, etc. I think MOST of us would agree that even if they have luxurious homes, husbands and children, and families who love them... That they're within their rights to want more.
Same thing, here.
Except for we have a buffet of choices to choose from.
Which can make choosing a mate especially difficult... Because a lot of the things we EACH want out of life can be mutually exclusive... UNLESS you have a mate who places the same value you do on the same things.
When one person is shoeboxed into only having the things the other person wants... It's totally valid that they should want more. Whether it's family, fulfilling work, education, horizons, what have you.
Sure. Some people are bottomless pits of despair.
But others are simply trapped and stagnating.
A neurosurgeon flipping burgers.
World's Best Dad childless.
Musician in a tone deaf world.
Sure, they may have someone else's dream life.
But if they don't have their own?
That's a travesty in need of mending.
Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Like I told my WW when she was about to blow up our life and move to Washing to be with a guy she had talked to for 11 days "Funny thing about running away from your self is when you get there there you are."
Married 6 years. Dating 10. Living together 8.
If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world
- Harry Chapin
Not disagreeing... Same token though:
How many false R's (and even bad marriages) are about people lying about what they really want?
They want XYZ
They tell their spouse they want ABC
They tell the AP they want XYZ
Shocker that they feel "alive" with the person they tell the truth to
Spouse wants ABC
AP want XYZ
Wayward tells spouse ABC, tells AP XYZ
Shocker... That they're never happy because they just tell people what they want to hear instead of either the truth, or finding out what they want themselves.
Clearly... An oversimplification
Especially as desires change as we grow and mature.
Ideally, people are up front and share as things change, so the couple can adapt and change together.
So often, in Wayward-Lamd, they fear those changes will end the marriage (or whatever), so they share with someone else. Instead of being a gradually changing person like everyone else, they pretend to be "normal" with their spouse, and are "new person" with others.
But... See my point?
Wanting more is a really normal/wanted/needed part of life.
Being aware of that, able to share that, able to respond to it, etc... That's part of they dynamics of a good working relationship with someone.
Wanting more doesn't HAVE to be sad.
It can be really exciting.
Grounding, synergistic, normal.
"More" = in addition to.
As opposed to "More" = No More / Completely different
That was my point in women's lib.
The argument against women's lib was that "more" meant no more happy families. Flushing everything that was for something completely different. That isn't / wasn't what happened. Educated working women still make good wives and mothers. Just like educated men make good husbands and fathers.
But there's a knee jerk reaction with a lot of people that "more" is a sad thing, that takes everything amazing and throws it in the garbage.
It DOES make things more complicated.
But it's not inherently good or bad.
How one handles it makes it good/bad.
Just my .02
[This message edited by CheshCat at 2:35 AM, March 28th (Friday)]
As a mutual friend told me ( she is part of H's social club) "Some figure the bimbo right away. They turn around and walk away. Others date her for some time, figure her out , then turn around and walk away. Your husband was the only one who kept going back for more."
I rest my case.
It's the "more" that you aren't willing to make happen for yourself that is not healthy
'I want more' has no meaning. What is more? It needs to be quantified. It comes from a feeling of emptiness, a void. How can you want more if you don't know what it is that's missing? How can you expect someone to give you 'more' if you don't even know what 'more' is? If 'more' is not followed by an adjective it is totally and utterly meaningless.
'I want to better myself/my circumstances by doing... or getting...'. This is quantifiable, you know what you want and what you need to do to get it. This is healthy and good and drives us to achieve.
I want more is just selfish. To me it's right up there with, "*I* deserve to be happy!"
I want more and I deserve to be happy and I am not ashamed to make those statements.
'I want to better myself/my circumstances by doing... or getting...'. This is quantifiable, you know what you want and what you need to do to get it. This is healthy and good and drives us to achieve
I know what I want and I have a plan to achieve it. We are each responsible for our own happiness. There is nothing selfish in that.
Both feet pointed forward; positive