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I was watching one of my favorite shows last night. In one of the opening scenes a husband is in bed with his wife and they are talking and he is saying that they have had a great marriage, made a beautiful daughter together, have great chemistry and basically saying how much he loved his wife and their life. She says "I want more" and sends him away to live at his apartment. This struck me as so sad. Here she had a wonderful man who loved her, wanted to make her happy, WANTED to be with her and she turned him away. For what? More. More what?
I know from personal experience that when I asked xWH what "more" the answer was "I don't know". That was the truth. There was no more that I could give him. The "more" never needed to come from me. The "more" was anything to distract him from the way he felt about himself. Whether it was success, attention, money or admiration there was never enough to give him the "more" that he needed and there never will be. The "more" can only be sustained from an outside source for so long.
The deep down feeling that he wasn't enough, that came from inside him, therefore only he could fix that. He knew the things he was doing behind my back to get the "more" he craved and in turn the knowledge of his secrets only added to his shame and his feeling "less than". He knew the secret of his "powerful life" that left him feeling out of control and "powerless" over his own base instincts.
I felt so sad for the character on TV, knowing that she had a husband who loved her so much but she still looked to outside sources to give her "more" instead of becoming "more" for herself and as a gift to her husband. A wife who was secure enough to be herself and know that her husband didn't need "more", that she was enough. I also had a freeing moment when I realized that none of this, NONE OF THIS, was, is and never will be about me.
I am free from that guilt, forever.

[This message edited by IrishLass518 at 12:01 AM, March 27th (Thursday)]

So true; one of the best things ever said to me through all this was, "you can't fill a cup with no bottom". It's the cup that needs the work.

Thank you IrishLass. I love this and needed to read it! So right on.

Wow!!! This really hits home for me, thank you IrishLass518. My WW has always wanted 'more' but she cannot tell me what 'more' is because she doesn't know. She had a roof over her head, food on the table, all of life's little luxuries, friends, freedom, health and a loving, caring H who would have gone to the ends of the earth for her... but she wanted more. I have come to accept that their is a void somewhere deep inside her that only she can fill. Only she can figure out what 'more' is. She doesn't seem to want to figure out what it is that's missing and I've given up on trying to help her figure it out.

I would consider her needs with every decision I ever made, I tried so hard to be selfless and considerate but I've realised that she is the opposite, she is selfish and entirely focussed on what she doesn't have.

You know, I have a relative who recently ended up being a WW and ending her 25 year marriage to a good, upstanding man who loved his home and his family. Obviously, he's not perfect, none of us are, but she blindsided him with news of her A and wanting a divorce. She did it in such a cold, callous way and, like many of our ex spouses, treated him like he was nothing but dirt on the bottom of her shoe.

When my mom told me what was going on, I told her that I always knew something was odd with this relative. I remember vividly many years ago sitting around at a family dinner. She had just had her 4th baby who was beautiful and healthy. She had her husband, her 3 other healthy children, her parents, her brother and his whole family, a good job that she loved, a nice home and many good neighbors and friends. I was sitting at the table finishing up when I heard her say - while holding the new baby - that she felt like "something is missing in my life". She then started rambling about maybe adopting a 5th child or going on some peace corps mission that is much more suited to a college kid with no children. It was so bizarre, but I never forgot it. I remember thinking to myself, "what the hell more could you want??"

Well, we now know that many people who feel this phantom void in their lives are just empty. No matter what goes on in their outside worlds, there is just something in them that craves more. The problem is that they have no idea what it is or how to get it. That's why I feel like once they take that step toward what they think is that "more" that they've wanted for so long, many of them are lost to flounder around that rabbit hole forever.

I was talking about this with my oldest daughter tonight and she said " I think the reason that he is so mad and talks so much trash about you is because he is mad that you didn't save him". We both agreed that there was no way I could save him from himself. Just another aspect of this him expecting me to give him "more" and to know what that was or him expecting me to "save" him. I am so glad that I knew I had to save myself and my children and let him deal with himself. I am so much happier and I know my kids are too. We will all forever miss the man he once was but we are better off not being exposed to who he has become.

I think it's valid, though, to recognize that different people want different things out of life.

While TV Character might have everything you or I might want out of life... That doesn't mean she has everything she wants out of life.

Imagine women pre-liberation (or in Radical Islamic regions) who aren't allowed to attend school, hold down even menial jobs much less ones that stretch their minds, etc. I think MOST of us would agree that even if they have luxurious homes, husbands and children, and families who love them... That they're within their rights to want more.

Same thing, here.

Except for we have a buffet of choices to choose from.

Which can make choosing a mate especially difficult... Because a lot of the things we EACH want out of life can be mutually exclusive... UNLESS you have a mate who places the same value you do on the same things.

When one person is shoeboxed into only having the things the other person wants... It's totally valid that they should want more. Whether it's family, fulfilling work, education, horizons, what have you.

Sure. Some people are bottomless pits of despair.
But others are simply trapped and stagnating.
A neurosurgeon flipping burgers.
World's Best Dad childless.
Musician in a tone deaf world.
Sure, they may have someone else's dream life.
But if they don't have their own?
That's a travesty in need of mending.

Chesh

Cat your point is well taken, but there is a difference in the situations you describe and most WS when they say they want more. Those situations it's clear what is missing. With many WS they have no idea what is missing they just feel off no matter how good they have it.

Like I told my WW when she was about to blow up our life and move to Washing to be with a guy she had talked to for 11 days "Funny thing about running away from your self is when you get there there you are."

I want to clarify that it is not bad to want more in some situations. For example, right now I rent a home and I hope to buy a home in the next couple of years. I do want more for myself and my family. The difference being, I am willing to work for it, I understand the hard work and sacrifice that will make the "more" I want happen and I am willing to invest in this dream. I am not expecting someone to come along and ,make it happen for me. To just hand me a house and then have the house make me happy. I know that the pride of home ownership comes in large part from the journey to get there.
It's the "more" that you aren't willing to make happen for yourself that is not healthy.

Wood...

Not disagreeing... Same token though:

How many false R's (and even bad marriages) are about people lying about what they really want?

They want XYZ
They tell their spouse they want ABC
They tell the AP they want XYZ
Shocker that they feel "alive" with the person they tell the truth to

Or

Spouse wants ABC
AP want XYZ
Wayward tells spouse ABC, tells AP XYZ
Shocker... That they're never happy because they just tell people what they want to hear instead of either the truth, or finding out what they want themselves.

Clearly... An oversimplification

Especially as desires change as we grow and mature.
Ideally, people are up front and share as things change, so the couple can adapt and change together.
So often, in Wayward-Lamd, they fear those changes will end the marriage (or whatever), so they share with someone else. Instead of being a gradually changing person like everyone else, they pretend to be "normal" with their spouse, and are "new person" with others.

But... See my point?

Wanting more is a really normal/wanted/needed part of life.

Being aware of that, able to share that, able to respond to it, etc... That's part of they dynamics of a good working relationship with someone.

Wanting more doesn't HAVE to be sad.
It can be really exciting.
Grounding, synergistic, normal.

"More" = in addition to.
As opposed to "More" = No More / Completely different

That was my point in women's lib.
The argument against women's lib was that "more" meant no more happy families. Flushing everything that was for something completely different. That isn't / wasn't what happened. Educated working women still make good wives and mothers. Just like educated men make good husbands and fathers.

But there's a knee jerk reaction with a lot of people that "more" is a sad thing, that takes everything amazing and throws it in the garbage.

It DOES make things more complicated.
But it's not inherently good or bad.
How one handles it makes it good/bad.

Just my .02

CC

[This message edited by CheshCat at 2:35 AM, March 28th (Friday)]

I want more is just selfish. To me it's right up there with, "*I* deserve to be happy!"

In my H's case the " I want More" translated into " I want more compliments.' How pathetic is that?
He even admitted it to a friend that he fell for the compliments.

As a mutual friend told me ( she is part of H's social club) "Some figure the bimbo right away. They turn around and walk away. Others date her for some time, figure her out , then turn around and walk away. Your husband was the only one who kept going back for more."
I rest my case.

It's the "more" that you aren't willing to make happen for yourself that is not healthy

I couldn't agree more IrishLass. There needs to be a distinction between 'I want more' and 'I want to better myself/my circumstances by doing... or getting...'.

'I want more' has no meaning. What is more? It needs to be quantified. It comes from a feeling of emptiness, a void. How can you want more if you don't know what it is that's missing? How can you expect someone to give you 'more' if you don't even know what 'more' is? If 'more' is not followed by an adjective it is totally and utterly meaningless.

'I want to better myself/my circumstances by doing... or getting...'. This is quantifiable, you know what you want and what you need to do to get it. This is healthy and good and drives us to achieve.

I want more is just selfish. To me it's right up there with, "*I* deserve to be happy!"

I want more and I deserve to be happy and I am not ashamed to make those statements.

'I want to better myself/my circumstances by doing... or getting...'. This is quantifiable, you know what you want and what you need to do to get it. This is healthy and good and drives us to achieve

.

I know what I want and I have a plan to achieve it. We are each responsible for our own happiness. There is nothing selfish in that.