I know I'm supposed to be doing all this stuff
But I don't like doing all this stuff.
And someone a long time ago said he might be abusive.
You see what you did there?
I actually had a fairly long answer composed, and I may post it later if others don't hit all the points, or to underscore them (like, ideally, you WONT be talking about new things... And that a lot of the repetition is trust building, and a lot of other things.) But the more I wrote, the more glaring this became. A whole lotta stuff, and then a curveball at the end that "negates" everything else, with a big fat justification wrapped in change-the-subject, inside a get out of jail free non sequitur blame shift.
My eyeballs are still spinning.
Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
For now... you need to keep answering the questions no matter what? He wont believe a lot that comes out of your mouth and that's part of the repeat questions... to see if your answer changes. Backup your words with actions. Keep being transparent in your answers.
what is too much at one time?
He does not get a break in his mind with what happened, wasn't his choice, he got drafted, so why should I be entitled to say enough questions for now. He is hurting and wants to let me know that.
You have answered your own question here. He doesn't get a break. It is on his mind from the time he wakes until he is able to fall asleep. And even in his sleep, your A may still haunt him. So what is too much? When the both of you can agree its time to stop.
In the early days, if I were to tell lay down some rules and tell my BH it time to stop a conversation, I can tell you right now that I would not be married today. We have had day long conversations, only to break to take care of the children. We have stayed up all night. We have called in sick to work. But the conversations never ended because I was tired. They never ended because I had had enough.
In those days, if it were left up to me, those conversations would have ended before they even got started. No one likes to talk about the ugly inside. No one wants to see the pain that their actions have caused. It is painful and it is difficult. But the truth of the matter is, without these talks, it's impossible to heal. For both of you.
I can't count how many conversations have gone sideways ending in sarcasm and foul language. It's par for the course. Sometimes when it went sideways is when I was finally able to get something I didn't before. The fact that you are frustrated by them probably means that you are still defensive about your actions. In my experience, the conversations became less heated when I was able to genuinely own my shit. When he could sense that my defenses were down and that I could really understand to the best of my ability how I had made him feel.
Years ago, I went to a therapist who said that based on the information I provided, my H was abusive and I should consider whether I wanted to stay with him.
Be careful with this. You say you are being fair in your assessment, but are you really? You are talking about a period of time pre-A where your thought process is obviously not healthy. So was he really abusive in nature or is that your perspective? Pre-A if had left my husband, no one would have blamed me because I could paint a picture that made him out to be a pretty bad guy. But it turns out I want looking at the big picture. And anyone who meets my BH would tell you he is pretty great guy. So before you throw around strong statements please make sure you are not rewriting your past.
The road to R is not a smooth easy drive. There is construction and road blocks, huge pot holes, and traffic that creeps at a snails pace. It's frustrating and time consuming. But if you stick with it long enough you start to get open patches. And then finally comes some clear open road that you can fly through.
It's up to you. You are the one that already made the decision to leave. He is the one attempting to keep your M together. He is there. He is trying to understand something that is damn near impossible to understand. So when you are lacking sympathy for his questions, try having some empathy and put yourself in his position.
I've removed the stop sign but in the future, do not encourage the members to break the site rules.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
Your post filled with snark. If you can't reply and be constructive, please stay off the thread.
When the both of you can agree its time to stop.
I agree with this wholeheartedly! There is nothing more frustrating to a BS than to be told he/she can't ask anymore questions because their allotted time is up.
There is nothing more frustrating to a BS than to be told he/she can't ask anymore questions because their allotted time is up.
yep, that's why I don't get the books or therapists that say you should schedule a time to talk about it for an hour a week or 15 minutes a day. Really? That's right BS, put your hurt inside a little box and get it out at the appropriate time.
sorrowfulsoul: as time goes by I don't think this will be much of an issue. I wonder if you could think of it this way: this is how much he is hurting. He talks and goes on with it because the pain isn't ending. Can you think of it as him expressing his hurt and pain? Maybe the talk doesn't make sense but the hurt does?
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”
Answer all the questions. Answer them.
When you get the same question, answer it again.
If your answer ever needs to be different because of a newly remembered detail, don't lie. Say "I've recalled more detail about that, and will share it if you want."
Write a letter, timeline, outline, whatever.
Six hours really ain't that bad - you are right that he is living with these questions for 24 hours. Spend the time answering the questions.
One of the things I always try to do after a long Q&A period seems to be winding down (for us it is usually in bed at night after kids are asleep and can stretch into the wee hours when both of us are struggling to stay awake) is to say to her "is there anything else you need or want to ask?" If she says "No" I tell her I love her, how sorry I am, good night, and thank you for allowing me this chance. If the answer is "Yes" we go on.
You had your time to be totally involved with yourself during the A. This is now your spouse's time.
As a BS I am not looking for sympathetic answers. I am looking for honest answers.
You have answered your own question here. He doesn't get a break. It is on his mind from the time he wakes until he is able to fall asleep. And even in his sleep, your A may still haunt him. So what is too much?
Yes it is on the BS's mind ALL the time, we are mentally and emotionally tortured with it, grasping at straws to make sense of this horrible pain.
That's right BS, put your hurt inside a little box and get it out at the appropriate time.
This is very hard to do...trigger or have hard feelings
That is not our story. We talked about it constantly, literally. We were obsessed with the subject. Any chance that we could escape the kids we talked about it. 8, 10, 12, 14 hours a day or more, everyday. We would wake each other up in the middle of the night. We would talk on the phone while working. When we couldn't talk we would text or IM or email.
At 18 months since final whole truth admission, the A's are pretty much a non-issue anymore. There is nothing left to talk or think about. We just burned it out.
If we were on the one hour a week plan it may have taken 18 years instead of 18 months to process.
This is just our experience.
For me, my fWW situation was somewhat similar with abuse issues I never knew about. Once she finally told me those truths, and I learned, the why was already answered. Once the WHY she did what she did was answered, the pain lessened greatly and we could move on and I would never have to ask the why question again.
The worst thing for a BS to hear is the I don't remember and the I don't know answers. They are non-answers and they cant even be argued.
Most BS will never believe so many of the IDK and IDR answers and that will always be a sticking point.
Writing a timeline to your BH would be great. Writing could also help you remember much more, even though you probably don't want to remember, writing will help. And writing can also be therapeutic and clear your mind.
If you cannot remember something or a date...your BH might be able to help. He has his own timeline of events, like the night you were late 5 hours from work or this or that.
Your husband needs to understand this, that making it hard for you to answer is not helping matters any. When you answer a question honestly, he should not start with the sarcasm and swearing. There is anger with each truth, but it has to be controlled at some point. Otherwise, the WS will just not answer anymore.
As for the BS need to always talk about the affair. Someone once compared the BS reaction to an affair much like someone who has just gone through a terrible hurricane or tornado. They need to talk about it, and they are able to without any kind of rejection.
Answer all the questions. Answer them.
When you get the same question, answer it again.
When you get the same question, answer it again.
Early on the BS is in shock.
At times I would ask H a question, and not be able to retain parts of the answer he gave me because I was hyperfocused on a certain other part of the response.
After D-Day 1 I got the number for the escort service that my H used. I called and I still will never know how this happened, but I actually spoke to the escort. She talked to me. She told me literally everything that happened from the time she walked in to the time she left. I don't remember ANY of what she told me except that they didn't have sex. That's the ONLY part I was able to retain because that's what I was hyperfocused on. I regret so much now not taking notes because I know she told me EVERYTHING. (Edited to add - my H also wished I remembered because he was in a partial blackout drunk state and can only remember bits and pieces).
My long rambling response does have a point. He's not trying to torture or abuse you. It literally feels like the floor falls out from beneath your feet on D-Day. What was impossible to your mind actually happened, and the world seems surreal. Because the impossible happened, literally ANYTHING seems possible. I told my H that I would have been less surprised if aliens appeared in my kitchen. And it's not like our marriage was perfect; I just "knew" he'd never do that. So it's very hard to get your bearings after such a shock. You hear things but don't retain them. The answers you get are so far out of your realm of experience that you can't process them at first. So please, be patient with him. He's trying to put his world back together right now.
[This message edited by JanaGreen at 9:30 AM, March 27th (Thursday)]
I did question my husband for hours in the beginning. My life as I knew it for 5 years was a lie. He put hours upon hours into his A's and his lies, he could put the time and effort into talking to me about it if he truly wanted to R.
I ended up writing down my questions and his answers so I could refer back to them since I did hyperfocus so much. I couldn't tell you what I asked now, but I can look in my journal if I want. We are in a state of shock, in hell and feel like dying.
We are missing huge pieces of the puzzle in our marriage and only the WS has those pieces and can fill them in. We are desperate to fill in those gaps so we can get the full picture.
You are the only one that can provide those pieces. If you want to R fully, help him heal and dig into why you did this, you have to be willing to go through this part of the process.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
For example, my H goes into complete shut down mode around 9-10 at night, and he gets to the point where he can't think clearly or respond productively. Does it suck when I have triggered or am hurting? Yes, it can send me into a rage sometimes, because it feels so unfair. But, any time I have pressed it, and we have stayed up too long after he cries "uncle," it turns into a terrible argument that takes days to recover from. He is not rational, and he gets less loving as we go. He can't think straight, and he becomes increasingly angry. It is not a good place from which to lovingly communicate. Maybe everyone isn't that way, but surely it isn't productive to do a 6 hour grilling, regularly? There is a difference in being willing to help, and being effective in helping at some point.
At 9 months out I am beginning to see the wisdom in finding a space to talk -- although I would not as a BS been able to do that early on. But, My H has learned to make sure I do not feel abandoned -- he holds me, tries to convey his love for me, and promises to answer any questions I have, or talk about whatever I need to, first thing in the morning. No more toxic arguments late at night, where we wake up feeling hungover. I get my needs met, albeit slightly delayed, and we aren't taking 2 steps back. I will say it is a lot to expect from a BS early on -- the pain is so intense, but hopefully you can get support so that you guys can work through this in a mutually respectful way.
My input would be also to be present as best you can. Always express willingness and a desire to help, and be aware of your ability at that particular time. And, make sure he doesn't feel abandoned if you can't, at that moment, go on. That is when the uglies come out in my case.
Are you in MC? When is your dday?
I also recommend the book "Hold me tight" for both of you.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:54 AM, March 27th (Thursday)]