I can't stand waking up. I have to relive this nightmare EVERY SINGLE MORNING. He's still not here, I'm still surrounded by our memories, and my heart is still shattered. I just want this nightmare to be over. When will I get answers as to what happened?? When will I know what to expect from day to day??
Not hearing his voice every day like I have for the past ten years is killing me. Why can't my strength in this be consistent?? I want to be the bigger person and say, fine - I don't want you if you don't want me, but it's easier said than done.
I'm so tired of the pain, the confusion, the tears, the memories. I go through the motions of getting up, going to work, interacting with people and some days are better than others. But I'm just pretending.
I want to hate him. I hate what he's done to me, but I still can't hate him as a person. It would be so much easier. It doesn't help when I have dreams about him every night and each one is of when we were okay and happy. Just last night, in my dream, he told me he's coming back home. I just want to shut my brain down and just go numb.
I'm sorry but I just had to express this before I leave for work to try to help me pull it together. I'm tired of pretending I'm okay when I'm not. I don't when I'm ever going to be okay again.