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suzannel posted 3/27/2014 10:01 AM

I have been with my bh for 20 years and i love him,but he was lying to me constantly about money and gambling. I asked him so many times to be honest with me,but he always ended up lying. I started talking to someone abd ended up kissing them. I was bpt in a sexual relationship with them,but what i did was bad enough. We are now trying to work it out. Bh says he loves me,and i know he does,but i feel so guilty it is killing me. I think i feel worse than him. How can i get past my remorse and guilt? He says he knows he was lying to me to much,and we have started a new relationship almost. We are spending good time together and we talj more than ever,but guilt is tearing me apart. I get depressed for days at a time. Any sugestions on how to cope?

authenticnow posted 3/27/2014 14:26 PM

Hi suzannel,

Welcome to SI. I think you'll find the support that you need here.

What are you doing to alleviate your guilt? Are you working on yourself, on figuring out where your issues lie?

It sounds like there were major communication issues in the M for a long time. That is never an excuse to cheat, and I think those issues need to be addressed in IC and MC.

Guilt is fine and it serves its purpose, but don't get so caught up in it that you get stuck there.

Your BH may still be shellshocked and numb. Don't mistake his non-reaction for not caring. He may just be too hurt right now. Or, he might be rugsweeping and that's not healthy either. This needs to be addressed and fixed.

Good luck. Keep posting!

Wayflost posted 3/27/2014 15:16 PM

suzannel- I am sorry that you are here, but I am also happy that you have found SI.

I had to go on a short term antidepressant regiment to deal with the guilt and shame. It's important to express those feelings and to allow your BS to see them. But it is also important not to let them swallow you whole. One of the more active users recently posted about this:

Please listen to Authentic and HUFI and the others who have BTDT. Their insight really does help. Get into counseling you need. You BOTH need it.

suzannel posted 3/27/2014 16:33 PM

I agree,we both need mc,but on top of the guilt over the relationship,when he found out he got drunk and he was threatining to cut my face so i had to call the police and they arressted him. He is out but has to go to court and is blaming me. I feel guilty for calling the police,but he was not reasonable. He was also saying he was going to take my 4 year old son. I feel like this is all my fault. The thing is i really do love him and he really loves me,we have 4 kids together and have known each other since i was 2,about 40 years. I want to spend my life with him,if we can make it through this

Wayflost posted 3/27/2014 16:48 PM

((suzannel)) You absolutely did the right thing. Threats of physical violence, and threatening parental interference (taking your child away) are never ok. I'm saying this as someone who should have had the cops called on them. Shortly after d-day I hit my BH. The circumstances were crazy, and it has not happened since. But had he called the cops he would have been beyond justified. No matter what he said or did in the aftermath of discovery made it ok for me to hit him. Nothing.

Why did you call the cops? You were afraid. Threats of bodily harm that cause fear of imminent harm are crimes for a reason. Additionally, intoxicated people are unpredictable. I worked once for an attorney who said, "Alcohol can turn anyone into a killer." So please do not feel guilty for taking actions to keep you and your children safe. Your husband needs to own his choices there.

The way you cope is to take it one day at a time. Start working on yourself. Figure out your why. Just do it. Get the help. We are here as a community to help you as well.

There are other people here who have had their Spouse placed in jail, and made it through.

suzannel posted 3/27/2014 19:42 PM

I know i only did what i had to,but i still feel guilty. It is a bad charge because he had a knife and threatned to cut my face. I want us to get past it,but i believe i am obsessing on my feelings. I just wonder if there is a way for us to move on and have a good marrige. Before this happened i was a great wife. My husband had a lung transplant 8 years ago and i took carevif him the whole time. I have always worked and taken care of everyone. His lying to me about money and gambling just pushed me to far. I know i was wrong,i am not trying to justify anything,but i was feeling very unappreciated and used. I really think we need mc,but he thinks we are ok. I dont want to end up in the same spot we were in before. I just have no one to talk to,so this group is a godsend. Thank you for all of your advice and support. I have even had thoughts of suicide lately.

plainsong posted 3/30/2014 13:05 PM

If you have always taken care of everyone, and rather than setting limits with your husband you did something that led to your feeling debilitating guilt and to his acting in a way that endangered you, please consider IC for yourself as soon as possible. Especially, do not let yourself see suicide as a way out of this pain. That is priority number one.

Once you have gotten support for yourself to stay safe, you can talk with your BH about MC. This is a marriage - he can think HE is ok in the marriage, but only you can decide if YOU are ok with how things are. He may be in a rug sweeping stage and not be willing to go to MC, but you are entitled to fear what will happen if infidelity (and eventually other) issues are not addressed. There are actually marriage counselors who will work with one member of the marriage, with the focus still on preserving the marriage (as opposed to the IC focus on healing the individual's issues which led to infidelity and/or other marital issues).

I may be overreacting, but as someone who is massively co-dependent I am concerned about your guilt at protecting yourself and your thoughts of suicide. Hopefully they are just thoughts and you will continue to act to keep yourself safe.

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