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The revenge affair..that wasn't.

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SWAT70 posted 3/27/2014 10:28 AM

I have been lurking for several months now trying to figure out what to do. Since January 2013 I has suspected my wife of 13 years had been cheating. She was angry with me all the time and making comments to our three children about how daddy isn't home because he has a gf and other nonsense. My wife was a sahm and I was the only paycheck coming in. We had agreed to this and she was always telling me we needed more money so work OT.

As you can tell by my screen name I work in law enforcement, I am a tactical officer and work in a street crimes unit. Jan 2013 I got a new partner who was a female. She is married with children as well and we were just that work partners. March 2013 my partner went on light duty due to a pregnancy.

My immediate supervisor a sgt was supposedly my best friend. However that was not the case. Since he knew me and my wife he had no problem contacting her since I trusted them both. Well long story short he convinced my wife I was cheating with my partner and they "plotted to get even". In March my wife started turning cold and would not talk to me by April they had sex several times. May of that year I was seriously injured when thrown through a plate glass window and was rushed to the hospital where I was in emergency surgery for three hours. No one could find my wife and miraculously my sgt was not working that day.

Well the next day my wife comes to the hospital out kids and is all apologetic about how she was visiting her grandmother who lives several hours away and had tried to contact me but her phone was dead.

You all know what happened next. She becomes the model wife and loves me like crazy. Well I managed to get all of the texts and emails and all the garbage they spewed to one another about me and how I was the problem.

I sent everything to the IA division since my sgt used work information, computers and violated numerous policies involving the treatment of subordinates. I sent my wife a certified letter containing all of the documentation I had gotten as well as proof I had not done anything the sgt had said I did. Also in her letter was divorce papers.

Now she has told me everything and says she loves me and I'm her soulmate. BS I say. She says he had her convinced I was cheating and he was always saying I was out banging my partner when I was supposed to be working OT. She says she only did it to get even for my "cheating".

I told my wife it doesn't matter anymore we are done. The problem is I love this woman more than anything She is and has been since the moment I saw her the most important thing in my life. I adore and love my children but I will never survive without my wife.

What can I do now? I'm sorry for he length of his but I jut couldn't stop.

frankier posted 3/27/2014 10:45 AM

SWAT70... Sorry about your situation. I surmise your pain must be really deep. I know that often the first instinct is to "being done." And that is totally understandable. However, the general wisdom is to wait at least 6 months before making any final decision. In my opinion, finding out everything should precede that final decision.

Gently, I have an overarching question: Is your wife really so weak and shallow to give in the kind of pressure you described? Is this consistent with her character and history?

I am asking this to make sure that you think hard about whether there is something else that you are not being told.

[This message edited by frankier at 10:46 AM, March 27th (Thursday)]

justinpaintoday posted 3/27/2014 11:05 AM

Swat; you will receive a lot of good advice on this site however I do want to talk about the last sentence what you say you cannot survive without your wife.

Been three months into post fair territory and having filed for divorce today I can tell you you can survive without your wife. One breath at a time that's all you have to worry about one breath at a time.

Post here and read here often there is a lot of great advice and great information to help through the healing process but it is a process you have to go through it.

In regards to your marriage if there's any chance of saving it any chance at reconciliation my vote chase it. There are plenty of resources on this website that will help walk you through how to rebuild your marriage.

twisted posted 3/27/2014 11:05 AM

I agree this is a time for information gathering before making any final decisions.
I also agree with frankier, does this story sound feasible? Granted, we have all been blindsided by our spouses behavior to some extent or we wouldn't be here, but is the WW telling you the truth. How about you alleged best friend? How does anyone do that to with a friends wife?
Sadly, experience tells some of us here to keep looking, because the may not be her first. Perhaps it is her only discretion. It's was months later when I was thinking clearly that I realized all the signs were there and I was just not looking for them, she had been cheating for years and years.
Keep looking further back to be sure.

[This message edited by twisted at 1:52 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]

norabird posted 3/27/2014 11:09 AM

I am so sorry. Have you actually filed for D yet? Are there certain requirements that, if your wife met them, would convince you to stay, or would nothing be adequate?

If you are really done, it's ok. She risked this when she betrayed you; she could have discussed your superior's insinuations with you instead of accepting them. But if you can't imagine life without her, you can put things on pause while you figure out if you are willing to try with her.

It is a big risk to extend a second chance to someone but also hard to walk away when your heart isn't in it, so long as she is remorseful.

I know none of this is really helpful; you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and the only one on the ground. But you've been heard.

bionicgal posted 3/27/2014 11:18 AM

Wow. What a story. I have heard that law enforcement is particularly rife for affairs -- not sure why that is.

Look, I believe in reconciliation, so that is my bias. I also think that no one should make any decisions for up to a year after dday. Get some MC. . .you have kids, right? What your wife and your friend did (whether he was manipulative or not) was reprehensible, but this site is full of reprehensible stories. Some of us find our way back to each other -- some of us even end up with better marriages.

I know that sounds crazy, and I know there is a lot of ego involved. I don't know if your wife is a good or a bad person, or if she was played or not. What matters is she was broken, and she couldn't or didn't tell you.

Don't think of the affair as a trip to Disney -- they both felt like crap about themselves or they wouldn't have done it. But, it wasn't ok for them to take you (and the OP if there is one) down with them. Don't let it take the kids down, if you can avoid it-- if your marriage can be saved.

I hope for peace, clarity and strength for you.

craig2001 posted 3/27/2014 11:26 AM

For some reason, there seems to be far more people giving the advice of just divorce than there ever used to be on here.

Right now you are mad as hell and you deserve to be and you deserve for your wife to start giving you intelligent answers as to what in the hell was she really thinking.

It is hard to say whether or not she had this affair because she was just told that you were messing around. I would think some kind of proof would have been needed.

Another question for your wife is, why didn't she come to you with this information before having the so-called revenge affair.

It does seem to me that she is using this as an excuse for the affair. And she does have some adult explaining to do.

If you really do love her more than anything in the world, you should try and get through this. Have you thought of any kind of MC to talk this over with.

It sounds like your wife is truly sorry and remorseful, which has become somewhat unusual anymore.

I am hoping that this Sqt. no longer has a job there. And never again works in law enforcement.

Credence posted 3/27/2014 11:42 AM

So sorry you're here SWAT70 but glad you found us. I'm not sure whether Frankie was alluding to this but something about this just doesn't sit quite right for me. You only need to read some of the posts in this forum to realise that for most betrayed spouses the emphasis after finding out about the affair almost immediately turns to getting the truth - not jumping into a revenge affair. If you cast your mind back to when your W 'found out' about your supposed affair, did she confront you and did it seem to you that she was focussed on getting the truth? Was she visibly traumatised?

I may be way off the mark here but I can't help wondering if your 'affair' was a story they fabricated just in case they got caught.

OK now posted 3/27/2014 11:51 AM

It does seem to me that she is using this as an excuse for the affair.

I agree with Craigs comment. It could be she wanted to screw around with the OM; have a brief exciting affair, and when she got caught she had this excuse all prepared and ready.

She didn't do any investigation to support her suspicions; just took his word and cheated? Don't believe it. She wanted her romantic/sexual fantasy and now she's trying to wriggle out of responsibility.

I would give her the scare of her life and file for divorce. You can always retract at some later date; preferably after you've made her sign some kind of agreement signing over marital assets to you.

SWAT70 posted 3/27/2014 11:55 AM

Thank you everyone for your responses. I'm all over the place right now and have been for awhile now. I have to go to work now but I will try to explain the whole situation, as I know it later. I really do appreciate you all just wanting to help me.

SisterMilkshake posted 3/27/2014 11:57 AM

Since January 2013 I has suspected my wife of 13 years had been cheating.
This started before you got your new partner?
She says he had her convinced I was cheating and he was always saying I was out banging my partner
Your WW is blameshifting and not taking responsibility for her choice to have an affair.
but I will never survive without my wife.
I can assure you, you will most definitely survive without your wife. Many of us have felt that way. Not only have many survived without their spouse but have thrived. We aren't called SurvivingInfidelity for nothing. However, that doesn't mean I am saying to divorce your WW.

Have you been to MC? When did the affair end? Is there NC in place? Are you separated?

Hosea posted 3/27/2014 12:18 PM


"...I will never survive without my wife."
Adding to what SisterMilkshake said, you really shouldn't limit yourself to a future of contingency to a woman who has proven she does not deserve such allegiance.

You may believe this-- certainly, many BS feel this very thing at first. But the truth is, you can not survive WITH your wife until she becomes a radically better spouse. A woman who zealously protects YOUR trust and FIGHTS any and all enemies of your marriage.

She is not yet that person- and both you and she must acknowledge this.

She needs to PROVE she can become a woman WORTHY of you, and you need to KNOW you are WORTHY of that. Absent both of these conditions, you will not be able to fully re-establish trust or respect, and any future reconciliation will ultimately be doomed by that.

trojan007 posted 3/27/2014 12:23 PM

Swat first of all sorry that you're here... But due to the circumstances this is a good place to be. First off your WW that story she is trying to sell you not for one minute buddy do you buy that. Posting here already helped you and this horrible situation. she's lying to you and I would watch out because there's much more of that coming your way from her. Listen the most important advice I can give you. Is please listen to people on here and they're great advice I see it numerous times on here people getting the best advice and yet they think their situations different you're coming to see that the stories might sound a little different but basically they're all the same so I can't emphasize this enough please take the advice that people give you on here I seen a lot of people go through unnecessary misery because there situations is different and you guys don't know my wayward like I do. Anyways good luck And file for D

confused615 posted 3/27/2014 12:24 PM

Fwh claims he thought I was cheating on him, so he felt it was just fine for him to cheat on me.

Had he bothered to do ANY investigating, he would have discovered he was wrong. I have always been completely transparent, I have excellent boundaries, and absolutely adored him.

The thing is...he didn't bother to dig for any info. He just had a "feeling" that I was cheating.

He did not dig for info. He did not ask me if I was cheating. He did not appear to be upset or traumatized in any way that his wife was cheating on him.

Why? Because he knew if he looked he would have found nothing. Therefore, he wouldn't have been able to justify cheating on me and he couldn't blame me.

He cheated because he wanted to. And so did your wife.

What is she doing to figure out her issues? Is she in IC? Is she transparent? Does she answer all of your questions?

I'd ask if she own this..but clearly she is blaming OM for her actions. Until she takes full responsibility, you can't R.

mightsurvive posted 3/27/2014 12:30 PM


You've gotten lots of good advice and all have made some excellent points. Consider it all HOWEVER maybe you should slow down. It sounds like you are forcing yourself to make a decision now. You have drawn your line in the sand which is necessary and awesome ....good job. But now step back a bit. You can think of YOU now. You owe it to yourself to figure out what you want...not what society or your parents or any others expect you to do

As my dad told me "no one else has to live your life"

Allow yourself to take all the time you want. You have enough pressure right now. Don't add extra for yourself

SWAT70 posted 3/27/2014 23:18 PM

Thanks to everyone who has replied. Some history maybe in order. I have known my wife for close to thirty years. She is the younger sister of one of my best friends growing up. I used to think she was "a pest" when I was a teenager. I am six years older than her and joined the military right out of high school. Didn't see her again for seven years and when I did. Wow I couldn't believe that it was her. The OM, her brother and I all grew up together. My wife was married at that time. I had never been in a LTR lasting more than two years, was always to busy. I had been cheated on before and always ended those relationships. I say my wife again after serving another three years and she was divorced due to her ex cheating. We started dating and got married three years later after I has join the police department. Her brother and I were still great friends but her brother and OM no longer would talk to one another. I was never told why.

My wife has some issues with depression and is a notorious non communicator. She never actually confronted me about her suspicion I was cheating. She would always make snide remarks about "my girlfriends". The thing is my wife and I had lots of talks about cheating and we both knew the other would not tolerate it. We both said we would end any relationship before we cheated. She also knows I had ended relationships in the past.

My wife never deletes anything on the computer or her cell phone. She printed out and gave me all of the messages from the OM. He had seriously painted a great case for me cheating. I never carry my phone at work and when I would message my wife my replies were rather brief and to the point. OM knew what I was doing all the time at work since he was my immediate supervisor. His messages and calls to my wife would ask her whre i was because I had left early or should have been home. My wife would send me a messge when i was unavailable. When I would get her message my reply would be "working late. Or be home soon". But see the OM knew I was working and I would not answer my messages. My wife being the non communicator she is and she never a wants to argue just thought the worst. OM continued to do this for several months prior to January 2013. When I got my female partner OM was telling my wife my partner had gotten into our unit by sleeping with other officers. OM played it up and was always saying he was just looking out for my wife because everyone was such good friends for so long.

When I got hurt my wife found out the truth. OM had told my wife I was not working and was at a hotel with my partner. My partner was pregnant and working an office detail. My wife did not tell me anything about the affair until I confronted her in February of this year. I knew about it in full detail early January of this year. I had pages and pages of texts and emails none of which she ever expressed any deep feelings for OM. Sh never once said "I love you " to him. Her replies where always saying mean and nasty things about me. OM even suggested he try to get her pregnant so I would have to work longer and when she would finally leave me she could get more money. I can at least say she told him to go to hell on that one. Since I was injured my wife changed completely. She was perfect in every way. My wife and i have both started IC. My wife is so upset because her brother has now finally told us why he is no longer friends with OM. He tried to do almost he senthing to her brother and his wife. Wish they would have told me sooner or let my wife in on the issue. But they were unaware of our problems. My wife would never talk to her older brother about relationship issues due to her previous marriage and the issues it caused in her family.

I know my wife is remorseful and is trying so hard. But I can't keep wondering "Why?" Just talk to me ask me demand answers anything. Why did she want to hurt me so bad?

Good lord this is long. I am so sorry but I just had to get it out.

SWAT70 posted 3/27/2014 23:24 PM

Sorry for the typos. Fat fingers small keyboard on an iPhone.

Credence posted 3/28/2014 03:16 AM

Wow SWAT, this is far more complex than it seemed at first. The OM really did a number on you and your wife and that is something that needs to be taken into consideration. It was a carefully planned and well executed manipulation.

The overriding issue, and it's something many of us struggle with, is why was it easier for her to jump into the sack with him than it was to confront you about her unhappiness? I appreciate that she isn't a great communicator but this is her life, her marriage. Why did she not feel secure enough in her marriage to ask you what was going on? I get that she was in a bad place but still, the onus was on her to talk to you or seek advice/counselling.

She made a decision to do what she did and she needs to own that decision. The OM's manipulation may have clouded her judgement but he didn't hold a gun to her head.

I really do think you need to give this some time. Work through the issues in counselling and allow your wife the opportunity to show true remorse for what she did. As you get a bit further down the road you'll be able to see things more clearly and make a decision on whether or not R is an option.

Please keep posting here, there are plenty of people here to offer you support and advice.

jb3199 posted 3/28/2014 06:06 AM

Sorry that you are here, friend. And thank you for your past and present service.

You have received good advice, and it will come from many angles. And while I believe in giving yourself time to sort things out before making a life-changing decision, I am not in disagreement with you sending her divorce papers.

No, I am not pro-divorce. But I am definitely all for a strong stance, as you discover ALL that has led to this tragedy. Maybe your wife is remorseful; maybe there is more to the story. But what you do know, is that you are hurting badly...and you need to protect yourself.

Divorce doesn't happen overnight. You can stop the proceedings any time that you wish. But it does put your wife on a stopwatch, which may be a good thing. If she is truly remorseful, then she isn't going to give up---she is going to prove that she is worth a second chance. And if she ISN'T willing to put in that effort, are you going to be okay with that?

That will be for you to decide.

I think that the OM will get his come-uppings. There is no justification in his actions, and quite frankly, law-enforcement does not need the likes of him. As for your wife, you will need to dig deep. She will need to dig deep. If she was able to be snowed into another man's bed, WITHOUT CONFRONTING HER OWN HUSBAND, then what will stop her from doing it again? This is what she really needs to investigate...assuming that this is the truth.

No one wants to discover that their spouse is capable of things that we never imagined---yet here we are, devastated by their actions. Read confused615's post again, and take a harder look at your wife than you ever had. Is there more to this?

Good luck moving forward. Do not be afraid to press your wife for answers to very difficult questions. It may just be able to save your marriage...if you so desire.

Howie posted 3/28/2014 08:22 AM

As one betrayed my "best" friend, I am aware of the compound pain caused by multiple-layed deceptions; the OM in your case was truly vile (I don't use the word evil with people's wanderings but this man was evil) and I deeply congratulate you on making a civilized,non-violent (and effective) response to his treachery. This said, your wife is partially absolved and fully responsible: most loving wives would-given all the evidence, have confronted you even with the feature of betraying their source(and hence making added trouble). A revenge affair with a friend simply smells wrong. She really should not have but that is done. And whatever the special circumstances (and how) you are in the post discovery position, as all of us.
What-if you are to continue, happens now? Her real remorse, in words and actions (many messages on SI about that). Her vow never again,her support of you and total transparency. Her earning, every day, your daily trust You: that in your heart you can respond to this things and after the great injury,still love her.If she can conform, I'd say give her a second chance-IF you can.You could still have a good life together, if..
For me, there is no answer to the "why" question.
We were happy, I was loyal, our sex was great. Why kill me? Because the old me surely died, in great pain.Why do this to your life partner? She was fully communicative and I have explored every aspect of the betrayal. I know all the common human stuff, people compartmentalize, they are selfish, they have agendas and 15 years later I still get up every day and ask "why?" That question is part of the long term injury.Life isn't fair ( you see that everyday in your work).
We carry on.Best to you-

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