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norabird posted 3/27/2014 11:16 AM

Despite feeling pretty good yesterday and this morning, right now I am feeling not so healthy.

I want to send an anonymous email to (one or even two of) the women he has likely been seeing since our split. I want them to know how awful he is. I want to tell them about his deep twisted problems.

And I want to contact him and say, you have NO IDEA how to heal yourself. You say you loved me yet you are still burying yourself (...literally) in other women to avoid facing your issues. Clearly our relationship meant nothing to you and you have no idea how to love or treat people with respect. Your behavior sickens me and I wish women could all be warned to keep you away from them.


itainteasy posted 3/27/2014 11:20 AM

Don't do it.

You won't get the reactions you want. The women will think you're a psycho ex. He will perpetuate that.

He will not respond to you with the remorse you want to see from him. He destroyed you, and it doesn't even phase him that he did. You won't get any apologies from him---and if you did, they'd be hollow and meaningless.

The best thing you can do for yourself is stay NC.

NC=No New Hurts.

Get it out here. write your emails here. send them to us.


muddled posted 3/27/2014 11:51 AM

I get it, unfortunately WS will use it against us. Some of my past daydreams involved my FWH with a forehead tattoo that read " Hi, I'm a piece of Shit."

MadeOfScars posted 3/27/2014 11:53 AM

Get it out here. write your emails here. send them to us.

SI has saved me from sending many an email that I wanted to send, but would have only caused me pain. Post it all here to get it out of you, but don't ever send to the WBF or any of the OW. It'll backfire on you, and you're better than that anyway

simplydevastated posted 3/27/2014 11:55 AM

I want to send an anonymous email to (one or even two of) the women he has likely been seeing since our split. I want them to know how awful he is. I want to tell them about his deep twisted problems.

The best revenge would be to let them figure that out on their own.

Don't let any of them have any more space in your head. You're better than them.

I won't give you a 2x4, but I will give you a (((hug)))

Credence posted 3/27/2014 12:00 PM

You won't get the reactions you want. The women will think you're a psycho ex. He will perpetuate that.


Unfortunately they will have to find out for themselves. He will cause himself far more pain than you ever could... and don't forget about karma

nomistakeaboutit posted 3/27/2014 12:05 PM

Norabird, you have been hurt very deeply. From your post, it seems like you are trying to seek some justice. Unfortunately, it's just so hard to find in our situations. I have a couple,of thoughts, but I'll offer fair warning to you that they are not very well,developed thoughts. They are not advice. They are my knee jerk reactions to your stated desires to contact the women and your x.

My thoughts are these. Would warning the other women make you feel like you had truly helped them? Is there some justice in that? Maybe. I could see a letter of warning that was simple, such as, "I write to you with only one motivation in mind - to hopefully help you not have to go through what I have gone through. If he cheated on me, he will cheat on you. You are not immune. Be careful of terminal uniqueness (Google it). He has issues that you are not aware of. Best to you."

In terms of writing to him to explain how broken he is, he would not be able to absorb the truth and still be happy with himself, so he would dismiss it. If you sent him anything, it would need to be at a higher level, I think. Maybe one question to ask him to ponder, for the benefit of others that come into his life. Maybe something like, "dear x, please reflect on whether you want your life to be one that adds to the goodness in the world."

You did not deserve the pain he brought to you. I would try to figure out your path to joining-up,with him, so to speak, and try to,learn from that.

I'm sorry you're not feeling so healthy this afternoon. You are a very bright person, judging from your thoughtful posts. You deserve someone equally bright and thoughtful. You may have been happy along the way, but was he ever really that person who you truly deserve?'s to feeling just a little bit better later today.

Best to you,


tushnurse posted 3/27/2014 12:05 PM

I get ya. I know what you are saying. But like others have said, it's only going to hurt you.

If you want to write it all out though do, then take the letters and burn them. I found this very cathartic. Get the vile humors out. Let it go. Burning was ridding myself of them for good.

I burned a lot of stuff during my days of R.

veronique12 posted 3/27/2014 12:20 PM

Oh, Norabird, those unhealthy fantasies--I have several daily, and mine are violent. I don't think they are really unhealthy at all actually, unless we act on them in real life.

Play them out in your head, write your fantasy email in your journal or post it here. You can learn a lot from your fantasies and work through some really important and tough stuff that way. In IC this week, we talked about revenge fantasies and what it means to "win." It was really cathartic. How we are in control of the rules of the "game"--others (whether APs, WPs) don't have to define what it means to win. So, as an example, we talked about what would happen if I ran into OW and she stared me down and laughed in my face. Would I consider myself a failure if I said nothing and walked past her (even though my fantasy is to hit her in the face with a baseball bat, which will land me in jail)? The answer was who cares what she does? I define what winning is. She can scream and carry on and if I choose not to engage then that's my choice and I have won on my own terms.

Am I rambling? I think I might be. I guess the point is that having revenge fantasies is healthy and acknowledging them (not acting on them) can help us heal.

norabird posted 3/27/2014 13:18 PM

Thanks all. It's true, there is no reason for these women to even trust me if I did reach out. I do wish he could be quarantined but it is beyond my power!

I like the idea of repositioning what 'winning' means. I wish it could mean 'exposing the POS for what he is before everyone', but in reality, it is going to look more like accepting, healing, and moving on undiminished. I am going to have to work on finding a way to dilute or channel the bitterness. Also a way to pull myself back from the rabbit hole of fixating on him and what he's doing, because it only hurts me. I need to take comfort in the fact that those who love me know the truth; and that his number of people who know and love him is a very small group.

I guess I can only hope that the opportunity to get some satisfaction does eventually which time hopefully I won't need it. I understand now why people use voodoo dolls however. And, I wish they worked!

yearsofpain25 posted 3/27/2014 13:24 PM

I was just about to post and see that you got the only other thing I would like to add is maybe to cut yourself off from the pain shopping too? In some of your other posts you eluded to maybe seeing something about him in FB something like that. If you are, stop looking at his FB or any other social outlet of his that may be associated to mutual friends or what not. I know it's extremely hard to, but for you own health it's not good to do so. And apologies if you are not doing this!


norabird posted 3/27/2014 14:02 PM

It's true--I've been hanging on by not blocking him. I just did it now.

I wish there were a global delete to erase his very existence. Alas.

Thanks YOP, I needed to be told to take that step.

TheBestMe posted 3/27/2014 14:16 PM

((Norabird)) Please do not contact him or the females. In this regard, I have taken the advice given here on SI and have benefited from it.
My revenge fantasies have their place . But remember, every choice has a consequence. The choice to make "crickets" and to focus on your healing is the best revenge.

cut yourself off from the pain shopping

@YearsofPain - Thank you for the reminder. I needed it. This is something that I tend to do. The AP has not removed pictures from her FB page. I realize that these pictures are there to hurt me.

cantaccept posted 3/27/2014 18:57 PM

Hi norabird,

I feel and think the same things right now but I know that these women would think I was nuts.

I don't care about the ones that he had affairs with the deserve his cruelty. I worry about the innocents that would believe his lies, like I did.

I think a part of it also is selfishness on my part, I want him to hurt as much as I do.

Not going to happen by anything that I do. He will do that all on his own, over and over. Now that I know the pattern of his life before me, I know that is true.

Just wanted to let you know I understand.

UndecidedinMA posted 3/27/2014 19:05 PM

Don't do it, they will not believe you at all. It will just give him the ammunition that says "See I told you she was nuts!"

Eventually he will implode his relationships(used loosely) just be being himself.

norabird posted 3/28/2014 15:13 PM

I must be reaching the anger stage. It's not as freeing as I expected! I'm still sending so much (negative) energy his way and it of course doesn't reach him; I'm the only one who suffers. But I AM angry. I am not ready to forget and don't want to forgive. Acceptance--kind of...but not for the fact that I don't control his decisions and he has nothing to do with me now.

All these feelings keep bubbling up so I am going to vent them in an angry letter and post it here:

Dear Miserable Excuse for a Human Being Ex,

You are toxic for every woman who comes into contact with you. You should be chemically castrated and made invisible to the opposite sex. Pharmacists should have your face plastered at the register to prevent you from getting viagra and all other 'enchancing' meds. Unfortunately the only thing that would enhance you is a lobotomy. Your vocal cords should atrophy and wither away since all you can speak is lies. Perhaps the dies you use on your beard will prove to be toxic and the resulting skin damage will make you look like the monster you are inside. One can only hope. Or perhaps your only payback in life will be a sad, lonely death, unloved and unmourned. Maybe you'll have made your fortune by then, and realized that I was right: money doesn't buy you happiness. It can buy you the attention of a better woman when you overwhelm her with your generosity, but you'll know you don't deserve her. You don't deserve anyone. Guess it's lucky that's what you're going to get in the end. I hope when you die and go to your facility for cryonic preservation, that the power dies and your body slowly rots away. Maybe the lizards will sneak in and feed on you--then at least you'll have contributed something life-giving to the world.

You own family feels no connection to you. Your oldest friends pity you at best and trash talk you at worst. Your ability to relate to and care for others is pathetically lacking, and the people in your life see it. The IC undoubtedly saw it--I guess that's why you had to stop going. You may have noticed that the only people in your life you see regularly, your conquests, are the ones you've lied to about who you are. How does it feel to know that you have to present a mask to be attractive? How does it feel to have betrayed the person you claim to have loved wildly? What does it do to you to know that you threw away something real and true because of your own insecurities? Do you keep lying to yourself about being justified? Do you believe that, or are you just hiding from the truth, knowing it would destroy you?


I know that's all ugly. Sorry. Thanks for giving me this space to put all the venom. I do feel better--it started getting so ridiculous to be thinking such absurd over-the-top things that by the end I was almost laughing at myself. I promise, I am not a terrible person! I just wish a lot of terrible things on a very terrible person. And in truth....nothing is worse than having to be that person. I can't imagine how empty it is. I tried to wake him up to what mattered in life when we were together, to shift his focus off of power and success and onto the people and experiences of a rich life. It's his loss that he just doesn't understand intimacy and the joys of connection. And whatever he's trying to recreate, whatever distractions he's using to get away from facing that void...they are only temporary. Just like my rage is temporary! But when my rage fades, only good things are left; when his ego trips fade, there is...nothing. Video games, more meaningless hook-ups, and unending work so he can feel self-important. No thanks.

yearsofpain25 posted 3/28/2014 15:57 PM


You are the better person for unleashing that here. I bet that felt good. HUGE loss for him.

I wish I could unload something like that here. Unfortunately I feel I have to unload something like that in person because I feel that it's not just for me but for my father and brother as well. Going to IC to talk about it in a couple of minutes.

BTW - remind me to never get on your bad side. Wishing you a great weekend norabird!

norabird posted 3/28/2014 16:07 PM

You have a great weekend too YOP! And a great IC session.

Simple posted 3/28/2014 16:23 PM


If it helps:
1. the more you think about him in anyway, he wins
2. the more you screw up your life because you sound bitter to possible mates out there, he wins
3. the more you allow him to make decisions on your life, albeit indirectly,he wins.

The best revenge is indifference, and maybe even pity for such a lowlife. The best revenge is that you have a wonderful happy life without him.

Hugs your way.

veronique12 posted 3/28/2014 16:26 PM

Great job, Norabird! Get that venom out.

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