What this site has taught me is you can't rationalize broken people. It'll drive you crazy. In my case, I don't know what's worse - that my STBXWW left me after her affair was over as she claims, yet still didn't even want to consider R, or that she is lying and actually did leave to be with someone else. Either way, I was discarded after years of being nothing but faithful and loving of this woman. She can say whatever she wants to belittle you to justify her action with this other man. As hurtful as it is, see those remarks for what they are - sad attempts at justification of her guilt.
I don't know that I've shared this here before, but my dad was in a somewhat similar situation to you. His first wife went from the love of his life to a bitter enemy almost overnight. She left for someone with money, and when she did, her true colors came out. She badmouthed my dad to anyone who would listen. She badmouthed his family. She drove a nearly irreparable wedge between my dad and their daughter. She damn near ruined him, married the other man, and left with his daughter.
My dad did go on to remarry my mom. She gave him 34 years of love and dedication until he passed in 2008. She gave him 2 children (one being me obviously) who think the world of him. He had the life his ex-wife tried to steal away from him. Thanks to the internet, my sister and I have some contact with our half-sister. While sadly she never really got to know our father, she has shed quite a bit of light on her mother, the woman who so cruelly wounded our dad. His ex was an abusive alcoholic tyrant who drove everyone away, eventually including the man she left my father for (after draining him dry in a divorce after, get this, 25 years of marriage). Our half-sister has very little contact with her now. That woman is living out the rest of her days in a retirement home - alone.
My point is your ex and the new man may seem happy. Hell, they may very well be happy - right now. You can't rationalize them though, and you cannot let her continue to have control over you. I know it's easier said than done, but you gotta focus on you now. You can come back from this, and you can find someone who will be true to you.
Make you the best you that you can be, and let the chips fall as they may. You're stronger than you know. You can do this. Post here early and often. We have your back.
ETA: Check out the Betrayed Men threads in "I can relate." I haven't posted there myself, but at very least, they are a good read and pick-me-up: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=522964
[This message edited by SoulHurts at 12:24 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]
[This message edited by twisted at 4:59 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]
The only issue I face, is the constant questioning about what made her not love me and choose this other man.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Rejection, even from a broken person, hurts. Really hurts.
Obviously, she is a broken woman to handle this situation like she chose to do. And then to top it off she assassinated your character to justify her behavior. Can you see how entitled, and abusive this behavior is?
You probably will never know why she chose the other guy. Cheaters lie. But the fact is, she did do it. Your job is to accept this and understand it had nothing to do with you.
It may appear they are happy, but they are both married to cheaters, and liars...its own special hell.
Perhaps reframing your thinking to "I won....I get a chance at a second life with an honorable, loving, sexy, kind, fun woman."
Also every time the negative self thoughts pop up in your mind say to yourself, "I will no longer harbor self destructive thoughts about myself. I am a good man worthy of respect and a truly loving relationship."
[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 8:43 AM, March 28th (Friday)]
My ex and her new husband are both cheaters, that much is true. Whether that matters, I don't know. I actually attended a support group that was run by two individuals who had both left their spouses for each other and were incredibly happy and content. I almost think that did more harm than good, in that, I saw a life that worked. Now they both were regretful, but they also had great reasons for doing what they did, or at least they thought so. As the spurned, it was tenuous at best. I am positive my ex has long since justified and rejustified, putting the wrapping and bow onto any past trauma that could sneak up, about why she had to leave, and do so in the manner she did. She is a cold cold woman though, that much I saw, from her and her family. There are many different things she could have done to have made it less selfish, but she could not be bothered with those. In the end, our marriage was treated, at least in my point of view, similarly to ending a HS relationship. I was with you, now I'm with him. "He's my perfect person. Oh by the way, I want all our stuff, and the house."
Ugh, I guess at my core, I was too naive, thinking, not that I was some amazing, guy... quite the opposite, but moreso that I would only align myself with people who wouldn't do that, or at least have compassion for a fellow human being, who had lived and loved them for years. I didn't really see divorce or separation when I was younger, a true blessing indeed, but was completely unprepared for it, especially so early in my marriage. I also lost my mother when I was very young, and did not I guess get the proper education on what to look for in a potential spouse. My ex was always too cool for school, while I was this total dork. She and I continued to solidify those social constructs, and I adored her and got my self worth out of the reality that she wanted me, or at least appeared to. Wrong I know, so when she left, for another man, who she billed as the greatest thing, I was left feeling lower than low! A dangerous game I played, and lost. You just never know I suppose, and even today, in spite of everything that has happened, I still have such a difficult time saying that she is some horrible person... This is a girl whose hand I held every night while we fell asleep. Whose forehead I kissed every day. I thought I had someone completely different, I guess, I hope. I pray it wasn't really me who pushed her away, although I know she believes that, and she's made a lot of other people believe that.
You should read and re-read Chrysalis123's post many times
I think I know why my STBXWW discarded me after all this time and everything we had together. Hell, if I were a betting man, I would bet every last penny I have on my theory of why. You know what though? It doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything about my situation. Her choices are hers, and there is nothing I can do or say to change it, nor should I try. You know why? IT's NOT MY FAULT.
So do repeat this -
"I will no longer harbor self destructive thoughts about myself. I am a good man worthy of respect and a truly loving relationship."
And if you still can't shake it, repeat this -
IT's NOT MY FAULT.
Then go build a happy life for you. The rest will fall into place.
I pray it wasn't really me who pushed her away, although I know she believes that, and she's made a lot of other people believe that.
We BS can all play the "what if" game or wonder if we did something different, would the wayward have not strayed. Lord knows I've done my share, and I will still have those moments. It's natural, but also unhealthy. Again, you did not do this. She did. She can blame you all she wants, but she is the one who betrayed you. Who the hell cares what anyone else believes? You were the victim here, not her, and you shouldn't align yourself with anyone who would say otherwise.
Hang in there man. Again, this is not your fault.
She is a cold cold woman though, that much I saw
I also lost my mother when I was very young, and did not I guess get the proper education on what to look for in a potential spouse.
and I adored her and got my self worth out of the reality that she wanted me,
DIng Ding Ding ding!!!!!
Explore this thought with yourself. I think you just found the root of YOUR healing.
Your self worth has nothing to do with anyone else. You are valuable just because you are you.
have you ever read Codependent No More? it is a great book, and highly recommended around this site.
Just last night a friend reminded me that my anger for my ex is not negatively impacting him. He doesn't see it or hurt from it. But I hurt myself by focusing on my wish for vengeance or justice. That doesn't mean it's easy to stop sending your energy toward her. But truly you are better off putting your energy into yourself.