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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: Advice
Brad1217
♂ 42922
Member # 42922
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Everyone! I'm and admirer of the website and wanted to see anyone could help give me some perspective. I am little embarrassed to ask this, as my wife left me almost two years ago, June 2012, and as much as I'd like to think that I am over it, I am most certainly not. The kicker is we were married very briefly, Oct 2011, and she ran off with a co-worker she called her soulmate. Most tell me she was definitely having at least an emotional affair before we even got married, and we had been together for 6 years prior to marriage. What I battle with, is that she seemingly, "won," in that she left, without hardly any remorse, and has never looked back. She told me that he and her just became great friends, and then realized they were perfect for each other. They bounded primarily over bad mouthing me, as I found out by reading thousands of emails saying how much of a loser I am. I have heard through the grapevine that she is married to him and settled down. She literally finalized her divorce from me in June 2013, and was engaged by November. I was extremely close to her family, and although I too have kept my distance, I have never once heard from any of them since the divorce finalized. I have gone to many groups, where most people in my position worked it out with their spouse. My spouse never even tried. She never apologized truly, but had this air that she was entitled to find happiness, and shouldn't feel bad about that. I was certainly not a perfect husband, but I was anything but bad. I cared and loved her deeply, and she spent a bulk of the time complaining to her dad about the things I didn't do well. He would then, come try and school me up so to speak. I just can't seem to push past my hope to someday have her pop back up and say she was sorry, that she made a mistake. The circle of justice finally come around... Most tell me that will never happen. I don't wish her ill will, but I have read voraciously about how affairs typically don't lead to happy relationships, unless someone is escaping an abusive or emotionless marriage to something better, which was not our case at all. Hers seems to be working... although I realize the only window I have is the reality that she has never once come back for me. I fear that if she spends her whole life with this guy, happy and content, I will ruin mine with jealously and anger. How could you hurt someone so badly, run off without facing your actions and responsibilities, and get away with a life that is full and content? I worry she never thinks of me, when I think of her very often. Dreaming about her all the time, something outside my ability to fully control. I've come a long way since 2012, but still hurt, and realize time is my friend. I just can't believe that someone who slept beside me for so long, could so easily dispose of me and move on. Her family has seemingly done the same, as even Xmas 2012, he was welcomed in and a visible part of all social media. Any advice for giving up my hope to ever see her again, and have some knowledge that I actually mattered to her? Once a cheater always a cheater? I've just had so so much pain, and she never faced it or cared. Its been an incredibly difficult few years. I'm just trying to be ok with the results of this ordeal. It's been a long fight!

Thanks!
Steve


Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
MadeOfScars
♂ 42231
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you man.

What this site has taught me is you can't rationalize broken people. It'll drive you crazy. In my case, I don't know what's worse - that my STBXWW left me after her affair was over as she claims, yet still didn't even want to consider R, or that she is lying and actually did leave to be with someone else. Either way, I was discarded after years of being nothing but faithful and loving of this woman. She can say whatever she wants to belittle you to justify her action with this other man. As hurtful as it is, see those remarks for what they are - sad attempts at justification of her guilt.

I don't know that I've shared this here before, but my dad was in a somewhat similar situation to you. His first wife went from the love of his life to a bitter enemy almost overnight. She left for someone with money, and when she did, her true colors came out. She badmouthed my dad to anyone who would listen. She badmouthed his family. She drove a nearly irreparable wedge between my dad and their daughter. She damn near ruined him, married the other man, and left with his daughter.

My dad did go on to remarry my mom. She gave him 34 years of love and dedication until he passed in 2008. She gave him 2 children (one being me obviously) who think the world of him. He had the life his ex-wife tried to steal away from him. Thanks to the internet, my sister and I have some contact with our half-sister. While sadly she never really got to know our father, she has shed quite a bit of light on her mother, the woman who so cruelly wounded our dad. His ex was an abusive alcoholic tyrant who drove everyone away, eventually including the man she left my father for (after draining him dry in a divorce after, get this, 25 years of marriage). Our half-sister has very little contact with her now. That woman is living out the rest of her days in a retirement home - alone.

My point is your ex and the new man may seem happy. Hell, they may very well be happy - right now. You can't rationalize them though, and you cannot let her continue to have control over you. I know it's easier said than done, but you gotta focus on you now. You can come back from this, and you can find someone who will be true to you.

Make you the best you that you can be, and let the chips fall as they may. You're stronger than you know. You can do this. Post here early and often. We have your back.

ETA: Check out the Betrayed Men threads in "I can relate." I haven't posted there myself, but at very least, they are a good read and pick-me-up: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=522964

[This message edited by SoulHurts at 12:24 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]


“Nothing more completely baffles one who is full of trick and duplicity, than straightforward and simple integrity in another.” ― Charles Caleb Colton

Posts: 1352 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
twisted
♂ 8873
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suppose it's a blessing you got out when you did. She clearly was not the same woman you thought you married. I know many who are unhappy in their marriage and can't seem to get out of it.
Maybe she realized that you weren't the right one, or maybe she's a psycho bitch thats off her rocker, doesn't matter. Maybe she'll be happily ever after, maybe she'll dump this guy next month, who cares. It certainly shouldn't be you.
If she is that cold, better you find out now than later. I know you've been together for 6 years, but the marriage thing was just too permanent for her I guess.
Call it a life experience, another chapter of your youth, pick-up and move on. Never look back at the ones that got away, maybe it was for the best.
Keep your sense of humor and just imagine the variety left out there!

[This message edited by twisted at 4:59 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Brad1217
♂ 42922
Member # 42922
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both for your fantastic advice. I appreciate you delving into your pasts for my benefit. I know how hard that must be. I know I should never look back, and be grateful that I have the freedom to move on, as opposed to a life spent with someone who didn't care or love me. The only issue I face, is the constant questioning about what made her not love me and choose this other man. Also, I wish I could articulate just how convincing she was, when she vehemently exulted to all that would listen, including me, that this man was her perfect person. I can only imagine, knowing her convictions, how easy this transition has been, as opposed to the many thousands and thousands of hours I have anguished, pain she will never know. Her ability to justify her actions, in her mind, are almost ordained by the almighty. Anyway, as the spited, I have and will until I can push through it, be so sensitive to thinking she won. I've look at the statistics about marriage after an affair, and I know how low they are for success. I need to take some comfort in that, and as you both said, forget about her, regardless, and move forward. You are both right! However, if she lives her life happily and healthy with this guy, I'm affraid a part of me won't ever recover.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Chrysalis123
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only issue I face, is the constant questioning about what made her not love me and choose this other man.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Rejection, even from a broken person, hurts. Really hurts.

Obviously, she is a broken woman to handle this situation like she chose to do. And then to top it off she assassinated your character to justify her behavior. Can you see how entitled, and abusive this behavior is?

You probably will never know why she chose the other guy. Cheaters lie. But the fact is, she did do it. Your job is to accept this and understand it had nothing to do with you.

It may appear they are happy, but they are both married to cheaters, and liars...its own special hell.

Perhaps reframing your thinking to "I won....I get a chance at a second life with an honorable, loving, sexy, kind, fun woman."

Also every time the negative self thoughts pop up in your mind say to yourself, "I will no longer harbor self destructive thoughts about myself. I am a good man worthy of respect and a truly loving relationship."

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 8:43 AM, March 28th (Friday)]


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2781 | Registered: Jan 2010
Brad1217
♂ 42922
Member # 42922
Angry  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very impressed with all of your responses. Thank you all. It's very comforting knowing that others have experienced this pain, or at least know what it tastes like. For a long time I felt like the only one. I have smart people in my family, who have told me similar things, all of which I respect and try to bring in... When those lessons or thoughts are given out by strangers, it almost means more, cause I feel they are not biased and/or simply intended to make me feel better, despite their truthfulness.

My ex and her new husband are both cheaters, that much is true. Whether that matters, I don't know. I actually attended a support group that was run by two individuals who had both left their spouses for each other and were incredibly happy and content. I almost think that did more harm than good, in that, I saw a life that worked. Now they both were regretful, but they also had great reasons for doing what they did, or at least they thought so. As the spurned, it was tenuous at best. I am positive my ex has long since justified and rejustified, putting the wrapping and bow onto any past trauma that could sneak up, about why she had to leave, and do so in the manner she did. She is a cold cold woman though, that much I saw, from her and her family. There are many different things she could have done to have made it less selfish, but she could not be bothered with those. In the end, our marriage was treated, at least in my point of view, similarly to ending a HS relationship. I was with you, now I'm with him. "He's my perfect person. Oh by the way, I want all our stuff, and the house."

Ugh, I guess at my core, I was too naive, thinking, not that I was some amazing, guy... quite the opposite, but moreso that I would only align myself with people who wouldn't do that, or at least have compassion for a fellow human being, who had lived and loved them for years. I didn't really see divorce or separation when I was younger, a true blessing indeed, but was completely unprepared for it, especially so early in my marriage. I also lost my mother when I was very young, and did not I guess get the proper education on what to look for in a potential spouse. My ex was always too cool for school, while I was this total dork. She and I continued to solidify those social constructs, and I adored her and got my self worth out of the reality that she wanted me, or at least appeared to. Wrong I know, so when she left, for another man, who she billed as the greatest thing, I was left feeling lower than low! A dangerous game I played, and lost. You just never know I suppose, and even today, in spite of everything that has happened, I still have such a difficult time saying that she is some horrible person... This is a girl whose hand I held every night while we fell asleep. Whose forehead I kissed every day. I thought I had someone completely different, I guess, I hope. I pray it wasn't really me who pushed her away, although I know she believes that, and she's made a lot of other people believe that.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
MadeOfScars
♂ 42231
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in again Brad1217

You should read and re-read Chrysalis123's post many times

I think I know why my STBXWW discarded me after all this time and everything we had together. Hell, if I were a betting man, I would bet every last penny I have on my theory of why. You know what though? It doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything about my situation. Her choices are hers, and there is nothing I can do or say to change it, nor should I try. You know why? IT's NOT MY FAULT.

So do repeat this -

"I will no longer harbor self destructive thoughts about myself. I am a good man worthy of respect and a truly loving relationship."

And if you still can't shake it, repeat this -

IT's NOT MY FAULT.

Then go build a happy life for you. The rest will fall into place.


“Nothing more completely baffles one who is full of trick and duplicity, than straightforward and simple integrity in another.” ― Charles Caleb Colton

Posts: 1352 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
MadeOfScars
♂ 42231
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I pray it wasn't really me who pushed her away, although I know she believes that, and she's made a lot of other people believe that.

We BS can all play the "what if" game or wonder if we did something different, would the wayward have not strayed. Lord knows I've done my share, and I will still have those moments. It's natural, but also unhealthy. Again, you did not do this. She did. She can blame you all she wants, but she is the one who betrayed you. Who the hell cares what anyone else believes? You were the victim here, not her, and you shouldn't align yourself with anyone who would say otherwise.

Hang in there man. Again, this is not your fault.


“Nothing more completely baffles one who is full of trick and duplicity, than straightforward and simple integrity in another.” ― Charles Caleb Colton

Posts: 1352 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
twisted
♂ 8873
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is a cold cold woman though, that much I saw

That is the beginning of realizing that it is her that's dysfunctional.
I also lost my mother when I was very young, and did not I guess get the proper education on what to look for in a potential spouse.

I think most of all fall into that boat about picking the proper spouse. One of the threads today had a link to an article of narcissism that has some insight. Even intelligent, rational people fall into the "Love is Blind" category. Stepping back and studying the various dynamics of her family history and how it developed her personality and self preservation traits is useful in coming to terms with your situation, and helps understand how we all get in these dilemmas.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Chrysalis123
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and I adored her and got my self worth out of the reality that she wanted me,

DIng Ding Ding ding!!!!!

Explore this thought with yourself. I think you just found the root of YOUR healing.

Your self worth has nothing to do with anyone else. You are valuable just because you are you.

have you ever read Codependent No More? it is a great book, and highly recommended around this site.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2781 | Registered: Jan 2010
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many people struggle with healing for a long time; you are not alone. Have you seen a therapist at all? It sounds like you could really use a safe place to go and try to process this mix of feelings.

Just last night a friend reminded me that my anger for my ex is not negatively impacting him. He doesn't see it or hurt from it. But I hurt myself by focusing on my wish for vengeance or justice. That doesn't mean it's easy to stop sending your energy toward her. But truly you are better off putting your energy into yourself.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS...It is often said that the best revenge is a life well lived. It is the only thing you can control. It is a bitter pill to have to accept that you can't bring her down or factor into her life anymore, but that acceptance can set you free to find your own happiness.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Brad1217
♂ 42922
Member # 42922
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the wonderful advice... It is true, that I am wasting my energy and effort hoping for revenge, and/or the small sign that I actually mattered to this woman I called my wife. She was able to effectively kill me off, look the complete other way and never turn around, before I even knew she was having an affair. By the time I realized what was happening, he had driven a wedge so far between she and I, that he was now the husband and I was just someone in the way. His tactics were like a professional SOCOM team, he waged a public affair campaign about me and just grabbed her up, although I realize she had to want to go to fully embrace his sales tactic. I have in essence moved on, but I do occasionally, (ok a lot) look back and wonder if this woman ever thinks of me, and if I'll ever hear from her again. I imagine not, and that continues to baffle me. Having lost many loved ones too early, I have never been someone capable of killing off a human being in my life that cared and loved me deeply, despite my feelings. Revenge for me is certainly a life well lived, which I have to do for my own sanity, she won't care either way... As my therapist tells me all the time, I am dead to her in every way...

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
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