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User Topic: Yet Another One - Need a Little Help Staying Strong
last.chance65
♀ 15989
Member # 15989
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been back and forth here for a long time as a result of my NPD, SA, WH. I also have thought that I was done many times. A month ago I found out about #13 – his coworker. Every time I say that I cringe: NUMBER 13!! I feel so foolish to even say aloud that this is his 13th affair (that I know about).

A month ago, he fell asleep early and the phone beeped at 10pm with the name “Liz” his coworker. woke him up to ask him about it, and he said she was calling about work that evening. The next morning, he started a huge argument about how his employees can’t call without me questioning him. And, I felt bad that I was accusing him. But, in the back of my mind, I knew this was like his behavior all the other times. So, I pretended to be asleep early every night after. And, around the same time, I would hear that beep or see the notification light flashing on the phone. That’s when I knew. I played it cool and stacked the evidence that took a week to piece together yet another affair of 6 months.

I told him I was done (like all the other times) and did the 180 (for myself because I’m very codependent). I just can’t keep playing this Cat-and-Mouse game of trying to catch him every couple of months. Immediately after that a friend called me with news. Her WH was told by his OW that she contracted HIV. And, this broken family is all I can think about now. This information alone might be the only thing keeping me strong, as he has tried it all (apologies, letters, going from doing nothing around the house to doing everything, asking for counseling, going to church, and even trying to send me on a vacation). But, again, I know that he has done all these things before, and as soon as I forgive, he forgets his vows. As a result, he’s having a VERY difficult time controlling his anger as well as his sadness; and that is making it difficult for me. How sad is it that I can’t stand seeing him unhappy after all he has put me through?! I definitely need some help myself.

What really p!ssed me off is that we agreed that we would handle things “like adults” with our children. So, the other day he wanted to have a conversation because I went out the night before. His conversation were full of things like “Good luck finding someone with two children”, etc.. and that I wouldn’t find anyone “better than him” because everyone cheats. I told him that “anyone would be better than him”. He flew into a rage, threw the remote control at the wall, and woke up our son to tell him that Mommy and Daddy are getting a Divorce because “he cheated and Mommy says that Other Men are Better than Him!” I feel like that caused so much damage with my 6 year old… He apologized after and talked to him. But some things just cannot be undone.

The hardest part is that he keeps telling me that I am depriving our children of a loving family, that they will be messed up as a product of this divorce. That pains me to hear him say that, as I never believed in divorce due to my experiences with my absent father. Of course, I tell him that he made that decision when he slept with yet another person, and that he knew the consequences.

I know that this will be a long road. I just need some support so that I don’t waiver (as I have done time and time again).


M 8 years, 2.5 kids
Many Ddays, Over 15 PAs, S, headed for D

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.
~ Ok, Done
Did it break?
~ Yes
Now, say “Sorry” to it.
~ “Sorry”
Did it go back to the way it was before?
~ No
Now, do you understand?!


Posts: 604 | Registered: Aug 2007
JanaGreen
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry.

Honestly, IMO what he did to your son is abusive. And FFS. After 13 affairs, he wants to blame YOU if you guys divorce? He's insane. Absolutely freaking insane.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6937 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Merida
♀ 42437
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If not for yourself = PROTECT your children = from this emotionally and possibly physically abusive A-hole

DTMFA

you are not his toilet to dump into and you already told him the truth

anyone would be better than him = AMEN

he will only take you serious when you leave

get to a shelter and get the protective order in place = there should be no other chances as he's already blown it with evidence of serial cheating = he is broken and you cannot fix him.

My mom would say "Better to be alone than in bad company." You need therapy for the co-dependence as soon as possible. But you better get to the Dr's immediately and get yourself tested = just the thought of what he has exposed you to in regards to STDs alone is enough to make me feel nauseated

You are a strong woman = now show him that by

LEAVING and protect yourself and your kids from here on out as it is obvious that he is unwilling or able to think past his own selfish desires - not father/ not husband material

change your name to "better.w/o.him"

seriously

all the best = you can do this!!

[This message edited by Merida at 1:20 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

"The darkest night is dispelled by the humblest of flames."


WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on list


Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart breaks reading this. Yes, you are co-dependent...but you see that it's not healthy. You know that leaving will get you out of this cycle. He is not capable of remorse. And you know what? There are better men, to start, but secondly, NO man would be better than this abuse.

Have you seen a lawyer? Can you kick him out and file? The sooner you get distance from him (and IC for yourself), the sooner you start your and your children's healing.

We all know that YOU are the adult here. He is just kicking a fit at seeing consequences. But he invited those consequences into his life with his actions. It is HIS fault, not yours.

You are worth so much more.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
last.chance65
♀ 15989
Member # 15989
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn’t consider that this was emotional abuse to our son until now. I’ve asked him to leave and I have seen a lawyer, but I've done all this before too. The farthest he’s gotten was a suitcase packed three weeks ago. I am discovering my self-worth all over again. I welcome any 2x4s because I know I need to be so much stronger than I have in the past.


M 8 years, 2.5 kids
Many Ddays, Over 15 PAs, S, headed for D

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.
~ Ok, Done
Did it break?
~ Yes
Now, say “Sorry” to it.
~ “Sorry”
Did it go back to the way it was before?
~ No
Now, do you understand?!


Posts: 604 | Registered: Aug 2007
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sounds so painful.

The hardest part is that he keeps telling me that I am depriving our children of a loving family, that they will be messed up as a product of this divorce. That pains me to hear him say that, as I never believed in divorce due to my experiences with my absent father

You know this isn't true. Do not let him pressure you into rugsweeping his problems yet again because of your personal insecurities. You do not have a loving family (I'm sorry) while your WH treats you this way. He is preying on your want to avoid divorce and he uses it to justify what he's doing. He is certain you won't make him leave so he does whatever he wants.

It is so unhealthy for your children to be around him when he's like this. It's only going to get worse. If the pain he causes you isn't enough to want better for yourself, please consider what will happen with the children if they grow up in this environment. You and your children deserve a safe and happy home. He can not provide for any of you.

Are you in IC? I read your profile. The therapist who told you back in 2008 that he would never change. Do you trust that therapist? Could you possibly get in with him/her again?


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2417 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
JanaGreen
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely it was abusive.

My mom and dad used to fight a lot. I remember after one particularly bad one, my dad called my brother and me into the room and said, "That's it, that's it, she's finally done it, your mother has finally pushed me to it. We're getting a divorce." And my brother ran off crying, but I sat there on the steps absolutely filled with rage that he would put us in the middle like that, that he would use us in that way.

They didn't get divorced. But I'll never forget how angry I was. It was wrong of him to do that to us. Even if they had gotten divorced, it was absolutely wrong of him to say that. And I'm pretty sure we were older than six, too (we're twins).

Your husband basically used your child as a weapon to hurt you.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6937 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
last.chance65
♀ 15989
Member # 15989
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That’s my fear, that it will get worse. No, I’m not in IC currently. But, I do trust that therapist and will get in touch with him again.


M 8 years, 2.5 kids
Many Ddays, Over 15 PAs, S, headed for D

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.
~ Ok, Done
Did it break?
~ Yes
Now, say “Sorry” to it.
~ “Sorry”
Did it go back to the way it was before?
~ No
Now, do you understand?!


Posts: 604 | Registered: Aug 2007
last.chance65
♀ 15989
Member # 15989
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JanaGreen, that’s how I feel – like my DS is going to remember that morning for years to come, like you did. I want to much more for my children. They shouldn’t have to have the worries of their parents on their plate.


M 8 years, 2.5 kids
Many Ddays, Over 15 PAs, S, headed for D

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.
~ Ok, Done
Did it break?
~ Yes
Now, say “Sorry” to it.
~ “Sorry”
Did it go back to the way it was before?
~ No
Now, do you understand?!


Posts: 604 | Registered: Aug 2007
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hardest part is that he keeps telling me that I am depriving our children of a loving family, that they will be messed up as a product of this divorce.

Just because he says it, doesn't make it true. Keep telling yourself this over and over. I have some NPD inlaws who told me I was awful for so long that I believed them... and it took a lot of counseling for me to remember that other people's judgment isn't law. I mean, they were actually saying that I didn't drink enough, wore fancy jewelry, and tried to make them look bad by supporting FWH when he wanted to move away from home at age 24.

Somehow, these people have a way of worming themselves inside our heads and turning our reality upside down.

Your reality is that HE is the one whose behavior is going to damage the kids. You have to protect them from him and his lies.

Stop arguing with him. You can't argue with crazy.

You are the boss of how this is going to shake out. You are loving and considerate, and whatever choice you make will be the right one if you listen to your heart.

(((l.c65)))


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18378 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Ivyivy
♀ 42110
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you do is your choice but you need to make that choice based on what you think is and will be best for you and your children. It is your choice, whether you stay in this M or D. Base that choice on what you want and not on the BS that WH is telling you about the importance of staying together as a family for the kids.

I have no right to say this but I think that after 13 As it is not likely that things will change (anything can happen but I would not expect miracles). Your choice is to accept this situation as is and assume that you can live this way or to move on and D. It is not a good choice either way. Also, you may not be in a position where you are ready to make a choice.

I know that it sucks but whatever you decide will be a step forward to a future that you choose. Sending you strength and hope on this journey.


Me -BW
Him - WH
LTA
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 215 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
Breezy150
♀ 42421
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry that you have to deal with his crap. This advice is coming from a child whose parents had that kind of relationship (without infidelity).

My mom left my dad for a summer when I was 12, we had to live with my grandparents for awhile and my mom was heartbroken. Best summer of my life. Just to feel safe was worth every sacrifice. She went back to him because he sought help and I always resented her for it. They divorced when I was 27 and my Mom has never been happier, she is alone and loving it. Us kids still carry the scars of her decision to go back though.

The kids pay way more by staying than they do by leaving, I promise you that. Safe and secure is all that kids crave.

If you can't find the strength for you find it for your kids and don't buy any of the crap your WH is selling.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
fromthisdayfwd
♀ 30634
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

last.chance65

There are some good books out there that can help with codependency. Setting Boundaries for Women by Allison Bottke is a good one.

My goodness. He thinks he can just have everything he wants ... and all at the same time, eh?

I would like to share with you the advice I give my children: The person who cares the most in a relationship is the person who carries all the power. The 'trick' is to find someone just as enamored as you and develop an equal/similar level of love for one another.

Here is the thing; If you want him but he wants someone else ... Who is going to do all of the chasing? .... all of the romancing? .... all of the wooing? ... all of the impressing? ... all of the WORK? ... You. Because he wants someone / something else.

Personally, I want someone who WANTS me and is willing to prove it in their actions.

This guy isn't loving you in his actions. He isn't loving you in his words. He is actually harming you in his actions. He is harming you in his words. And even worse it is harming your child.

He obviously doesn't believe you will ever actually do anything about it.

I have been where you are. I know how much it hurts. I know how hard it is to move on and change. I DO. But, you are not going to stop getting hurt by continuing this 'relationship' with him.

If I were in your shoes (and finding out about affair #13!) I would believe that he doesn't plan on changing. So,I would start to do my homework.

Homework:
1 - find a lawyer - find out your rights in a divorce
2 - collect ALL important papers including: diplomas/degrees/certificates, social security cards, birth certificates, passports, shot records, school records, photos that are important to you, tax return copies .... ALL of it for you, your spouse and children. Make copies to leave and take the originals and HIDE them even out of your home. [Many an x-spouse has been HORRIBLE about keeping these kinds of documents or even burning them out of spite.]
3 - Start looking for an alternate place to live (if you would not stay in the home)
4 - keep copies of all evidence of his affairs, also hidden - if you need them for the court
5 - journal all circumstances (like him waking your young son, arguments or other spiteful immature behavior that would negatively influence your children) with facts and adding in how you feel during the event [this can be important for custody cases]
6 - collect anything else you can think of that would not be safe from him
7 -get a personal counselor if you can

Do all of this under the radar. Do not let him know you are doing it.

When you are ready have your lawyer do up the papers, have him served and file immediately. You want to the be the first to file. If he suspects you are doing all of this ... he may beat you to it. So, go on like you normally do ... arguing and fussing or ignoring each other .... whatever it is you do. Don't change to suddenly 'being nice' or to suddenly 'silent treatment' because that could be suspicious.

I am so very sorry you are in this messy situation. Remember to get the help you need for healing and to change yourself for the better so you don't end up on 'Repeat.'


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
fromthisdayfwd
♀ 30634
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have actually heard of women who 'play along' for a year or even two to move to a different state so they can have a better advantage in the divorce. Kinda extreme, but it is smart.


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im so sorry. His behavior is abusive..towards you and those precious children.

How is your little boy today, last.chance65?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7936 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is abusive and he will never change.
He is abusive and he will never change.
He is abusive and he will never change.
He is abusive and he will never change.
He is abusive and he will never change.
He is abusive and he will never change.
He is abusive and he will never change.
He is abusive and he will never change.
He is abusive and he will never change.
He is abusive and he will never change.
He is abusive and he will never change.
He is abusive and he will never change.
He is abusive and he will never change.


a friend called me with news. Her WH was told by his OW that she contracted HIV
You realize that ^^this could have been YOU, right?

Have you heard the *story* about the man who kept escaping higher and higher to rise above the floodwater -- and kept turning away all rescue attempts because he was sure that God would save him? He drowned.......and then was mad at God for not saving him. God was all, who do you think sent all those rescuers to you??????
YOU keep getting all of these *signs* that YOU need to save yourself -- and you are taking NO action. LastChance, YOU are going to drown.


he keeps telling me that I am depriving our children of a loving family

Oh, right. Because *his* behavior creates such a loving environment. What a dick.

Find.Your.Anger. NOT the batshit-crazy anger, that slow-burn how DARE he treat me/kids this way anger.

Get support and build your strength because getting yourself away from this guy is not going to be a cake-walk and it WILL (most likely) get worse before it gets better (unfortunately).


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8190 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He clearly expects you to continue to stay with him while he cheats..and cheats..and cheats. His behavior shows you he has no intentions of stopping...and he thinks he can abuse you..and your children...and you will stay and put up with it because if you leave, then it's your fault.


He is a delusional monster.

Gonna is absolutely correct. It could just as easily have been you who has HIV because your husband can't keep his dick in his pants.

He is risking your life. If you stay, you will always be at risk. Your children need their mother.


Hefty bag his shit. And dump it on OW's doorstep.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:27 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7936 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
last.chance65
♀ 15989
Member # 15989
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just because he says it, doesn't make it true. Keep telling yourself this over and over.

I know now that he WON’T change. Who has 13 affairs in 8 years and acts like it’s no big deal?!
I’m looking into the Setting Boundaries book for my codependency.

My son is ok. He’s just become very clingy and is seeking more attention. He asked me all day on Sunday (when that incident happened): “Did you really say that about Dad?!” “How could you say such mean things about Dad?!” “I’m so mad at you for not liking Dad!” I know it’s still on his mind.

Yes, I do realize my friend whose husband has HIV could have been me. It’s really a shame that these WHs don’t think at all. But, I could never forgive myself if I stayed, only to be in a similar situation, not being able to take care of or enjoy my children as a result.

I do need to find my anger. I’ve just been through this so many times, I’m pretty nonchalant about it around him - aside from him telling our son those words.
I asked him, given all he has done, that he please just make this an easy departure. But, I know him well, so I know he’s not going to make this easy for us.


M 8 years, 2.5 kids
Many Ddays, Over 15 PAs, S, headed for D

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.
~ Ok, Done
Did it break?
~ Yes
Now, say “Sorry” to it.
~ “Sorry”
Did it go back to the way it was before?
~ No
Now, do you understand?!


Posts: 604 | Registered: Aug 2007
realitybites
♀ 6908
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all are happy to help you and give you 2x4's and advice, but I do think for someone like you who knows you are codep and know you cannot do this alone it is very critical you get an IC and express to them strongly that you need help to get away from this person.

Its one thing to know whats wrong, its another to follow thru and get the professional help you need (and I mean that in a very nice and kind way) to move forward in life and away from this abuse. Because it is abuse. Someone doesn't have to hit you to be abuse.

Don't do the same things you did before, get brave and go way outside your comfort zone and do something that scares the heck out of you but you know is right.


Posts: 5698 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
justinpaintoday
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What really p!ssed me off is that we agreed that we would handle things “like adults” with our children. So, the other day he wanted to have a conversation because I went out the night before. His conversation were full of things like “Good luck finding someone with two children”, etc.. and that I wouldn’t find anyone “better than him” because everyone cheats. I told him that “anyone would be better than him”. He flew into a rage, threw the remote control at the wall, and woke up our son to tell him that Mommy and Daddy are getting a Divorce because “he cheated and Mommy says that Other Men are Better than Him!” I feel like that caused so much damage with my 6 year old… He apologized after and talked to him. But some things just cannot be undone.


Okay...you're married to a jerk. Get out!!! You will make it. You do not deserve the abuse. 13? terrible


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

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