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How do you feel "special" again?

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3kids30years posted 3/27/2014 15:39 PM

Hello -

Having a very down day. DDay was early March 2012 - so just over a year out.

WH is NC, but I don't feel safe. I don't feel special, important or like I'm enough for him. Nothing specific, just a feeling - or a lack of feeling.

We are in MC, we talk, we laugh, we continue on. I am making changes, letting him know he is important, needed, special. He needs that. But I don't feel it from him. He says he now knows I love him. He didn't feel it then. He tells me he love me. BUT - he told OW the same thing. I have the IM. I feel like he just changed the person he talks to, nothing is special about me to him. We have sex, he "made love" to OW (his words). He texted her all day, emailed often (sometimes at night laying next to me). Spent many afternoons with OW at her apartment, making love, talking, planning a future. He has lots of excuses for his PA, but won't give me timeline. Says he told me everything (after 6 months of TT).

I am stuck. If he texts me, I know it's just because he is used to it. If he sends an email, I don't think it's because he thought of me - he just wanted to connect with "someone". He wants to feel needed, wanted, important. So do I. But I'm not. I'm just what's here now.

How do I move on, how do I continue? I have trouble seeing my future without him, but know he sees a future without me. He planned a future without me, with OW. It didn't happen, but he planned it. They planned it. He will be fine without me. I know I'd be fine without him, but want him. Why? He doesn't want me.

We have a short overnight trip planned this weekend. I planned it. I plan everything. I am so tired of being "on" 24/7. Of making sure he is okay. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry. 2nd year blues? Finally realizing it was a deal breaker for me? Or just feeling down. No specific "triggers" - just my life now. How do I feel special again? Special to him? His actions have shown me I'm not.

Pity party over. Thanks -

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 7:10 PM, March 28th (Friday)]

unfound posted 3/27/2014 19:26 PM

His actions have shown me I'm not.

what actions do you need from him to feel special? have you talked with him about how you feel?

FixYou71 posted 3/27/2014 23:40 PM

Have you had this discussion with him? Is he aware you feel this way?

3kids30years posted 3/28/2014 00:03 AM

I have tried to talk to him. But I can't seem to make him understand. He says he "choose" me. But I don't feel it. He stayed, but didn't chose me. I'm here by default. The back up option.

I need him to light up when he sees me, to leave me notes when I don't expect one. To plan "dates" for us. To tell me he loves me until I believe it, even if it takes years. I need him to talk to me, hold me, plan a future with me. Change his phone number, change his email, make me feel like I'm the most important person in his life. I'm not. And I know it.

I need him to do things with out my asking. Its not the same when I have to guide him, when I have to tell him how to show me he loves me. Sex is not love. That's what I get.

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 7:10 PM, March 28th (Friday)]

Alex CR posted 3/28/2014 13:33 PM

(((3kids30years))) Nobody knows whether this is a deal breaker or not, except you. It's just a year since you found out. At a year I had just woken up from the shock, pain and the anger. We have three adult kids and many years of life together and decided I wanted to keep my family together. I told H I wanted to R and told him what I needed. I wrote it down for him.

Both of us thought we knew each other so well...hell we were weeks away from our 29th wedding anniversary when Dday happened and we'd been together 35 years. But we discovered we both 'thought' for each other and had stopped asking. Both of us believed we knew what each other was thinking, but we learned, neither of us really knew what was going on in each others head...sometimes we didn't know ourselves until we talked or wrote things out. We had to change and learn to ask questions and listen to each other's answers.

I don't know if you've read the Five Love Languages....that was a book that opened both our eyes. I learned I needed to relate to my H in his language of love, not mine, as his was so different and vice versa. That took work but much has become habit now.

Only you can judge by your H's actions whether there is progress being made or if he is willing to take extra steps so you can heal and then the two of you can work on the does take....everyone hates this word.. time.

I wanted butterflies again .....I don't have them but what we've built is good and after all these years, we are enjoying each other again. And sex is sex....making love is a memory...that doesn't bother me.....over 40 years we've had lots of sex and lot of making love. It comes and goes and it may happen yet.

But, mostly, when I started to feel safe with him again (which took a lot longer than a year), when I started to like my husband again and let my defenses down, he started to act like my man again. He responds warmly to me, goes out of his way to take care of me and genuinely seems happy when I'm happy.

I don't know if you've gone to IC, but it may be that you need to focus more on you and let the R take second place while you find out what you need and get you to a place of healing and health. Take good care ....this is not an easy road and no matter what you decide, you'll be just fine.

[This message edited by Alex CR at 2:46 PM, March 28th (Friday)]

lucy17 posted 3/28/2014 16:57 PM

I get the special is gone. So many times, he will say something and I'll think--you said that to her too. Last night he was touching the small of my back and he said, "Do you like it when I touch this special place?"
I asked, "That's a special place?"
And he replied, "Well, no one else should be touching it."
I asked him later if he thought that was weird after he said it. He didn't. It didn't even cross his mind.
The same with the texting--so many texts during the day to her and now it's like he has just transferred that to me.
On my good days, I try to focus completely on us--just the two of us. I choose for our relationship to be special. I am not her. And she is not part of my relationship with my husband. I focus on our family. I have such a wonderful family. He is a good dad. I am a good mom. Our little girl is wonderful.
On bad days, she is the ghost in the room, every room, every text, every word. I am not special. I am a replacement. On those days I talk to H and tell him how I am feeling. He reassures and reassures and reassures. On my good bad days I believe him. Some days are just bad.
I'm not quite a year out. Affair season is just beginning. I have hope because the bad days are getting fewer and farther between as well as easier to recover from.
I spend time wondering if I should leave and to be honest, if it weren't for my little girl I would have left to think and sort things out. My H's remorse and absolute transparency and reading relationship books, like 5 Love Languages keep me here as well.
(((3Kids30Years)) I am wishing you enough hope to continue with what you think is right for you.

crossroads2010 posted 3/28/2014 18:06 PM

The special for me has come to be the 40 years we have together...the life we built. The "special" that they had was just part of the fog...I know that...but I still hung on to wanting it for about 2 years. I wanted the words he said to her...the infatuation, but we are way past the time of his A about 35 years past that. At 1 year I was where you are...always trying to make sure he was happy...that I was not ignoring him reason to go back to her. My H also said he chose me...I was second to no one. Trouble is I always thought I was the ONLY one! It will get to a point where it is so exhausting you will just stop and begin to live normally again. IC helped me get started, but I just got tired. I still have a hard time planning for the future, but I have a hard time seeing the future with or without him. I really just live more in the present.

One thing that helped me get past what you are experiencing was to just think...did I need all that special attention from him, not in all these years, but that was before I saw the words he sent to her. The love languages book is good to makes sense. I think my love language changed because of the A. FOCUS on YOUR LIFE ...the part that is independent of him...if there isn't a part like that, make one.

Alex CR posted 3/28/2014 18:39 PM

I'd like to add something else...I don't know what your H told you about his H told me it was the 'new sex' that kept him going was exciting....and over time he realized he already had what he wanted, at home, with me.

I still don't know whether I believe the second part of his statement but I get the first part and you know what....that's not can go have new sex every night.....there's always somebody out there that'll say yes. Getting a hard on for someone new isn't special's getting horny.

I can never be 'new sex' for my H after all these years....and I don't want to be.

But I echo what crossroads2010 said.. we do have something special. We built a life together, 40 years now, and created a future with our children. And nothing can take that away.....

3kids30years posted 3/28/2014 19:08 PM

Thank you Lucy, Alex and CR2010. It's nice to know I'm no alone. That you understand and that is does get 'Better". What ever that is. Yesterday was really difficult. I think it was the anniversary of the start of the PA, a hand job in her car. (EA started WAY before). But I don't know for certain, no timeline from him. I am working on me, making myself feel safe, independent of him. Making sure I have what I need, from me!

Alex - we were also weeks away from 29th anniversary - and now approaching 30. I think we also stated to think for each other. We stopped really listening, really talking, connecting. I stayed home from work this morning to talk to him. I wanted to make sure he heard me, heard what I fear. It was a good conversation and he promised to continue to talk this weekend. I hope we do.

I have bought so many books - looking for answers. 5 Love Languages is a very good book, and I also think my language changed after DDay. I need more words and more physical touch. We are working on it. We are working together.

Wow - Lucy - I think the same stuff. Just this morning he told me he loves how my skin smells, and I burst into tears. I'm sure he said the same thing, or very similar to OW. And it kills me to know that.I thought I knew him so well - I know how he operates, what he says to show affection. What he said to OW and now says to me. It sucks.

The "new sex" thing gets me too. But he never realized what was at home. He wanted the "new sex" even when it wasn't new any more. I found an IM that detailed the next days plans - while I was with our daughter selling GS cookies. (Yep they're a trigger now!)That was DDay.

I feel better today, not as down. Thank you for the kind words, for the glimpse into the future, - if we make it. I know I'm trying. I think he is too. I told him on DDay that I'd give it a least a year. I have not made any firm decisions yet, just getting thru each day.Some are better then others, I try to look at the good days. But sometimes the bad days are really bad. I get sucked back into the hole of why and what if. No good answers, but I'm still here. Still trying.

Thank you so much to everyone for responding. It's nice to not feel alone, to not think that I'm crazy.

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 7:12 PM, March 28th (Friday)]

Katz13 posted 3/28/2014 23:33 PM

You are not alone. I struggle with the same thoughts daily too.

Alex CR posted 3/29/2014 07:33 AM

Thanks to SI we know we are not alone and we know we are not crazy but dealing with people who act crazy!

I think it's really hard to understand how someone can do what our WS's did when it's not something we've found in our own makeup. I might be wrong, but I've had opportunities over the years and even though some men have sparked my interest and I had the opportunity, I couldn't cheat on's just not in me. I can hardly lie to him when I'm trying to keep a secret for his birthday or some other occasion.

It boggles my mind he lied to me for five years......five years flying to another part of the world to see some woman he also lied to, telling her he was widowed. still takes my breath away when I think about the magnitude of his deceit.

I'm glad you found SI......keep posting. We are all here for each other. I know my H would be living on his own somewhere else if I hadn't had the shoulders here to lean on and learn from. I think he owes SI a big Thank You....

crossroads2010 posted 3/29/2014 08:21 AM

You all have been in LONG marriages as well. The OW in my case has had many relationships...I pointed out to my H that my intimacy experiences have been pretty much limited to him since we had been together since I was 18 and I had been faithful....I think a light bulb came on.

Hatemyhusband posted 3/29/2014 08:51 AM

I hear u. 3 months out and I feel same way already. He texted her all day. Never did with me. Now he does but guess what? I'm not this "needy talk to me all day woman". Guess he needs that, which is something he needs to address w IC
I've got a life to love. Kids to raise. A job to do.

Texting all day and night shows how needy he is. I'm not needy. I'm confident.

Special? I'm not special to him. If I was, he wouldn't have tossed me aside for his own needs. How do u get that special back? Not sure u can. Lmk if u ever do and I hope for ur sake, u do.

Special? I'm not to him. But I am to myself.

mozzchops posted 3/29/2014 08:55 AM

I feel it - both ways.
I'm no longer special to WW, and she is no longer special to me.

She was willing to throw it all away, while I had it stolen from me.

whattheh posted 3/29/2014 18:50 PM

I'm in the same boat. In my case his PA was a disaster for him and he never had feelings for OW. He was scared for me to find out but was very relieved to be rid of the secret and OW.

Just by cheating he took away our specialness and I don't know how to get it back. I just can't fathom how someone who claims to love someone can wait 30 years and then just cheat on them and risk everything for a fling with a MW from craigslist. He gave me hpv(it hasn't gone away as it often does) and herpes so we both may have cancer in our future thanks to his PA.

He is very affectionate and expresses feelings of love but I don't receive it in the same way I used to. I guess I don't totally believe him or feel safe accepting it 100% yet.

The part where you said your fWH said he didn't know you loved him but he does now... just curious do you think that he may using that as a way to justify his A?

I also believe my fWH can see a future without me and that really stings. He is the only one who will threaten D or to leave when things get too intense. We never had intense stress until he cheated so I point out he is the cause of it not me. I'm just trying to deal with the hand he has dealt me without my knowledge buyin or permission and that some people just shouldn't be cheated on unless you are intentionally trying to destroy them.

I recently told him he has made me feel replaceable and disposable much like garbage. That he has destroyed our specialness. His response is that we need to figure a way to get it back or build it anew.

[This message edited by whattheh at 7:06 PM, March 29th (Saturday)]

Zayda1 posted 3/30/2014 06:24 AM

I hear you. WH keeps telling me he didn't love AP, that it was just sex, that he hit rock bottom, that he thought I was going to leave him...blah, blah, blah. All those words don't mean anything. He threw me away for the first person to ask him to have sex. He was too lazy to look for it...that's why it took 7 years of marriage before he cheated. makes me so angry when I think back and realize I was NEVER special to him. I now know that I need to be special to myself. He is a big boy and will take care of himself regardless of what I do or feel. Sorry to sound so cynical...I'm assuming the 2nd antiversary is messing with me a bit

BW2639 posted 3/30/2014 07:56 AM

That sure is a loaded question. I wish I knew the answer. I know there are some who get that "special " feeling back. But obviously not everyone does. ...know that you are not alone.

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