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After you confronted them and they denied it of course, came up with all the reasonable explanations in the world. Did you go back to check up on them, less than an hour after the confrontation only to find passwords changed?

Nope, I would say that is not remorseful at all. Total transperancy or nothing. I am sorry.

(((Hugs)))

Yes, I did have that happen. Because he was still lying. Once he stopped lying and came clean with everything, he gave me all his passwords.

It was the Bank account and the e-mail tied to it that he changed. Cause I called him out on odd spending. Buying meals when he said he hadn't and the bill was too high for food for one.

H never used a password to protect his email. Never before or after the A. I can access it any time I want. That's how I was able to read all their emails. Is it possible that he may have a secret email? It is possible but I have not sensed any questionable activity nor has my gut feeling told me there is something wrong. But it is still possible that there may be something out there; only he has learned to cover his tracks much better now. After an A we will always wonder: what if.....

After a few times... (I'm slow)... I realized I wasn't confronting him.

I was asking him to lie to me.

Never tempt dear ones to lie.

It took me some time to figure out that there is a difference / I was "doing it wrong".

It's like walking into a room with a toddler covered in chocolate syrup. You don't ask what they're doing. You KNOW what they're doing. The real question is WHY they did it, or why did they think that would be okay, and do they want help cleaning up, or are they going to clean it up themselves.

My "confrontations" with my ex were my asking what he was doing, and then believing (or being angry that he would expect me to believe) that he hadn't just squeezed the Hershey's bottle over his head and rolled around on the floor making angel shapes.

When we eventually got through to the concept that God hadn't upended the chocolate syrup from the sky (or that there IS no chocolate syrup ).., he further lied in wanting help cleaning it up (reconciling), instead of doing it by himself (divorce).

Man. Do I love it when a metaphor just doesn't die.

Chesh

[This message edited by CheshCat at 2:12 AM, March 28th (Friday)]

Never happened to me. Probably because he damned well knew that if his passwords ever changed, the computer or phone was going straight through the window into the pool.

Yep, he immediately changed all passwords and continued to lie like a rug.

Yes!!!!!

Just confirmed the lie, really. And proves he's not interested in being honest, open or stopping his behaviour. Only interested in keeping you out of it.

Yes, but this is before he was fully admitting anything, still trying to convince me I was crazy and should be ashamed of myself for doubting him.

I confronted him about his IM program. He said she was blocked on there. So I said "Show me the history for her screen name" knowing full well that it would show massive amounts of chatting with her. He hemmed and hawed and said he had a couple of conversations with her about stuff he needed to talk to her about and that it would be disrespectful for me to see it.

Checked later that night, he'd deleted the history with her not knowing I already had copies of the transcripts.

Same with his phone. He was still in TT mode and saw that I had looked at his phone so he changed the password and had a "talk" with me about how I needed to respect his privacy and take his word for it. That led to me showing him all this stuff I'd been finding about how to start healing from affairs, and that number one he needed to be transparent.

He didn't get it though. So I asked him to imagine my trust and faith in him as some large piece of etched crystal. His cheating shattered that crystal into a million pieces. By expecting me to blindly believe him and trust him, he was asking me to rebuild my trust and faith in him in total darkness by feel alone. That if I did that, would I actually find all the pieces and put them back in the right place? And how was I to do this without constantly cutting myself on some shard?

The next day, he removed the password on his phone completely and finally started coming clean.