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I am wondering just what it took for most of the WS to wake up and realize that they were throwing away the most important things in their lives. My remorseless WH is still walking around like he is a great guy. His grown son won't talk to him, his adult daughter will talk to him, but complains that he is needy, and she is embarrassed by him. I' am making a new life for myself after 33 years of married life with this overgrown toddler. Both children have advised me to move on. That tells me something. He needs help, but will probably have to hit rock bottom. Because he has been my main concern for all of these years, I am starting to feel sorry for him. I have worked very hard to keep him alive and happy for such a long time. To think he would repay me this way is ludicrous. His friends don't know what to think, they have all called me and offered help. I have told them to be there for him when he hits bottom, because I won't. He's currently, over 350 lb, and he might die before he can ask his children for forgiveness. He's just fooling himself with his EA with a COW.

I'm a BS and it took me a while to wake up too...

Hugs your way and more power to you.

Sad part is that affairs are started with two cheaters fooling themselves into believing that they have some special bond between each other when in fact it is all just a bunch of egotistical bullshit lies they tell themselves and each other. Unfortunately for many WS's the lies and deciet and fooling one's self doesn't end there. Too many times it carries into post a life. Sometimes it takes rock bottom to finally realize the lies you have been living really do come back to haunt you. I think this is what is happening in your h's case.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 5:46 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]

After several years on these boards and living my own experience with an unremorseful wayward, I have to say that I don't think very many actually wake up, at least not before the BS' heart has closed. Your WH sounds like a guy who walks around in complete denial. He pushes the pain aside and compartmentalizes the fact that his wife is gone and his kids don't want to be around him. This is how he prefers to function because then he doesn't have to feel pain or face the horror caused by his behavior. It's very hard for normal thinking, rational people to understand, but this is what they do.

The bigger question is, what would you do if he does wake up? Would you want him back after all the lies and cruel, heartless behavior?

I know it's so hard after all these years of marriage and living an entire life together. But, I also see that we, as the BS, walk around in a big fog for a while after the shitstorm hits. We fantasize about the wayward coming home and making it all better. I've asked the same questions as you. But, eventually, with enough time, reflection, and NC, you start to come out of the fog and recognize that he's not worthy of you. You start to see that his purpose in your life is over and that, wherever this life takes you, from here on in, it will be free of his effed up brand of "love".

Grieve the marriage and mourn the man he once was. That guy is gone. The overgrown toddler that took his place is not someone on which to waste your precious time or energy. I know, way easier said than done. But, the point is that his rock bottom doesn't matter anymore. - when it comes or where it is on the rock bottom spectrum. What matters is making sure that you protect your heart and let it close to him a little bit more every day.

I would love to see you reframe this question. To ask yourself--what will it take for ME to break my give-a-fuck? To stop worrying about him and start focusing on me?

If he hits rock bottom, if he wakes up...it's not your problem. I doubt he will wake up, frankly. That's sad. It's too bad for him and for his kids. But it's nothing to do with you anymore. He fired you from the job of caring. It's time for you to care for yourself first and foremost. So wake yourself up, honey,and do it.

((((Hugs))))

My ws won't wake up until I file for D, of course it will be too.late