I think I need some 2x4's.
Recently in IC my C and I have been discussing situations in the past where I have not had appropriate boundaries, what I can learn from that and how to have better boundaries in the future etc etc. These situations cover a whole range, from friends, to work, past relationships as well as my marriage to BH.
There is one situation I am struggling with. Discussing it is bringing back some very painful emotions for me, it feels like I've opened up an old wound.
After the birth of our eldest son, I became very depressed. I was put on medication but really, I was in denial about how bad it was. BH and I muddled along as best we could but my depression was hard for him to live with. We got married six months after our son was born and things were rocky but not too bad.
One night, five weeks after the wedding, he stood up from the sofa, announced he was leaving me and walked out. He was gone for six months and moved back in with his mother.
I hit rock bottom, I was depressed with a young baby and my husband of little over a month had abandoned me when I needed him the most. Obviously, I was desperate for him to come back home, I was still in love with him and wanted to be a family. BH was clearly very confused about his feelings for me, he would come round to visit our son and after we put him to bed, BH and I would have sex, then he would leave again. This was an upsetting time for me.
Along with all of this, BH started seeing a co-worker. He dated her, took her out bowling, to the cinema, dinner etc but kept it hidden from me. I only learned of their relationship after she had spent the day with my infant son when BH took him out for the day. I have no idea how long this relationship lasted. We were separated so it wasn't really any of my business. I focused on myself, having IC and recovering from my depression.
After awhile I got better, I was more like my old self. BH saw the changes in me and begged to come home. It was what I had been dreaming about so I said yes and we got back together. I initiated a conversation about his relationship with his co-worker. He was very defensive, wouldn't give many details but admitted he had sex with her. He said it was just the one time and it was awful. He made it clear she meant nothing to him and so it shouldn't matter to me either and that he wasn't open for another discussion about it although I did tell him at the time I felt like he had cheated on me, he dismissed this calling me silly.
I had had only recently recovered from a serious depression, I was still very fragile and BH had only just returned to the family home. I did not feel safe enough to question him more about his relationship with this woman. I was terrified he would leave again if I made too much fuss.
However, I had all the feelings a typical BS has. The mind movies, the mental comparisons between me and the OW, picturing him with her and the rest. I kept it all to myself, BH and I have never really spoken about it since that initial conversation until recently.
BH and I differ in opinion on this. He says he didn't cheat because we were separated. He had left me and had made it perfectly clear he didn't want to be with me so I have no right to feel it was cheating.
I say that it was cheating because although we were separated our marriage was far from over, he was still having sex with me and he knew I was still emotionally invested in our relationship.
So which is it?
When BH talks about my A he sometimes makes comments about how our sex life isn't special anymore because I slept with someone else. I am remorseful about this, I apologise and comfort him. But part of me thinks 'hang on a second, YOU slept with someone else too. Where was all your remorse about robbing me of our innocence and specialness five years ago?'
I want to make this very clear, I do not feel that his relationship with the co-worker in ANY way justifies my own A.
BH and I have recently discussed this issue. He was very defensive about it, shouting that it wasn't cheating, I had no right to feel like it was, that I was disgusting trying to compare the two (I have never compared the two, my A was much worse, I've only ever said the feelings I had afterwards were similar to his feelings now so I could relate)
I just don't know what to do. Part of me feels very angry that he minimised and completely refused any discussion about his relationship with this woman. I cannot imagine doing that to BH about my own A.
Am I a complete bitch?