People,
I'm looking for something to calm and ease my nerves. This may be a bit long and I hope someone will read it and respond. I guess I'm just looking for opinions on remorse or being sorry that you got caught. I just want to be heard tonight because I'm struggling.. I might should've posted this in the reconciliation forum since I'm trying my best to dig my way out of this shit storm with her.
I'll start by saying that my wife and I were very much in love (obviously me more than her). The moment she started the affair I knew something wasn't right and confided in a friend that I thought she was having an affair. He laughed and said there was no way and that I was imagining things. We've never fought more than the average couple and we've never been apart since our wedding day.
About two weeks after she started having sex with the other man we had a knock down drag out that resulted in me getting a motel for the night. Here are the contents of my email and her reply. Remember this happened two weeks after my wife and AP started sleeping together.
IHTOILM,
I'm not sure what happened last night but I'm left with a serious feeling of emptiness and sadness. Depression has sat in on me something severe. Where do we go from here? What are we doing to each other that is causing this? Why would I explode on you like I did and why did you explode on me? I feel a bit of anger and resentment at you and can't seem to shake it. I love my family and cannot see myself leaving, but I did. I try the best way that I know how to please you and to take care of our family. Maybe I'm a lousy person for leaving but it is the only thing I knew to do at the time. I love our boys very much and would not neglect them for anything in the world.
I'm sorry for referring to your mother like I did. I love them like they were my own and have the utmost respect for them. I realize that they have given us a lot and I'm grateful. You do not pull any punches when it comes to my family and have made it clear on a few occasions in front of other people. I only have one specific memory of you doing it and its really no big deal to me but it was in front of ****. I'm not sure why you reacted quite like you did since we were joking around outside. Maybe you have some anger and resentment toward me.
I hate what happened last night and what's done is done. It seems like there is something between us that doesn't feel right. I have always loved you and always will and am at a loss for words. I can't imagine a life without you being in it but here I stand. I'm still very angry and know that I spoke to you out of anger last night and I'm sorry for that. This is such a small problem that has compounded into a large one. I'm not asking you to beg because you made it clear last night that you didn't want me to leave. I will see you this evening and will see the boys and help get them off to bed.
Her response,
I will be here when you get home.
I am unsure of exactly why last night happened like it did as well. I have gone over it a thousand times in my head and I don't know why things got so out of control. Like you, I have had a heavy heart today and I am sick with depression. I love this family too and I don't want to see us lose each other over anything. I have always been confident that given our past we could overcome any other obstacles that arise.
Thank you for apologizing for what you said about my parents. I know you love them as they do you. I know that in the past I have said too much about your parents and for that I apologize also.
I don't know that I have anger and resentment towards you that is unresolved. I try not to hang on to things if possible because I know that does me no good whatsoever.
I hate what happened last night too. I never want us to do that to each other again. I don't want to get to a point where there is no turning back, right now I don't feel like we are at that point and I hope that you don't either. I am not ready to throw in the towel. I am sorry for my actions. I feel like we owe it to each other and most of all to the boys to work through our problems and be the best family we can be for them.
In no way do I feel like this is an excuse nor do I want to think I want you to take it that way but I had a horrible case of pms and have started my period, like I said, that is no excuse but it does typically make my emotions much more dramatic. I also am very worried and scared of what is going on with my breast. I spent my entire day yesterday thinking of it and I am scared, I have never been scared like this.
I love you Uhtred. I want you to stay at home tonight where you belong and where we can make steps to fix our problems and move on stronger together.
This was the beginning of the affair and there are many emails like this throughout the affair. I broke down to her and cried on numerous occasions telling her that something was wrong and she assured me that I was the love of her life and things were ok between us.
Only to find her texting and emailing other man during these episodes and planning their meet ups.
I've never been one to cry but what she was doing was breaking my heart and I didn't have concrete evidence at the time but I knew in my heart that she was up to no good.
At one point she was going out dancing with her mom and dad and taking my oldest son (VFW harmless crowd) while I stayed home with our youngest. The dancing was over at 8:30. I strongly suggested that she not do this because I was uncomfortable with it. I gave in though because I participate in mixed martial arts and was gone a few nights and some mornings during the week. My suspicions were strong and her mom posted some pictures on FB of my wife standing next to who I thought was the affair partner. I confronted her about it and she assured me that nothing was going on and that I was the love of her life. I shed a tear or two because again my heart was breaking. Come to find out the AP was there most of the time with his wife too I just didn't know he was the AP at the time.
2 weeks before DDAY I cried to her telling her I loved her and felt like she didn't want me anymore. She smiled and said it couldn't be further from the truth and that she loved me more than anything (except herself.
2 days before DDAY I repeated the same thing and One of the things that I can't seem to get past is during the affair period I cried out for her and it fell on deaf ears. She was a most excellent pretender because after each episode she'd make me feel like I was imagining things and of course she loved me. There was a lot of blame shifting on the kids and about numerous other things but I'd fall back into being depressed because my heart knew what my brain was screaming.
I'm just wondering how someone can say that they love you and claim that they never stopped even during the affair period and keep doing these things that were killing me knowingly.
If you read my email to her closely I tell her that I'm having anger and resentment toward her. I mention that there is something between us that's not right.
She responds that she loves me too and given our past (I've never had an affair) that we could work through anything and she wasn't ready to throw in the towel. I guess she wanted to have her cake and eat it too? How could she not see that she was the cause of why I left the first time and that the affair that she was having was breaking us apart? She says at the time it didn't even dawn on her that the reason I was acting out was because she was having an affair. She says she sees it clearly now.
Can one really be that stupid? I guess my whole point of all of this is that she was killing me slowly the whole time and I was begging her to stop. Now that she got caught she is sorry for everything and will never put me back in this situation again (just like she's always told me that I never had to worry about her having an affair and that's its something she could never forgive. She has lived transparently and to my knowledge has not had any contact with the om. She is doing IC and trying to right her wrongs.
How does one determine remorse or sorry that I got caught and hurt you in the process? She always said that she thought that she could handle it because she'd never get caught and that she was going to end it eventually.
I'm glad she is sorry now but I gave her so many chances to stop before she made me catch her. Serious damage has occurred to me and to the marriage. I question myself daily as to why the hell I'm still here fighting for someone that took me for granted, didn't show me love, and treated me like a piece of garbage to be thrown away.
I have a lot of texts, emails, and pictures burned into my mind. I have a considerable amount of dreams about her and AP. I've been woken up in twice in middle of the night having her in a rear naked choke dreaming that I found them together and was choking the other man. I know she'll read this and I'm sure that we'll have a good talk about it but her words aren't good enough. Her reasons aren't good enough for me.
Thanks for listening if you're still reading I just needed to write some shit down and get it off my chest. Opinions and suggestions are welcome.