My first thought, and it is only a thought, is did you know for sure when you first met that he was a BS and not the other way around?
There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for partners of sex addicts. I don't know if there is a lot of traction down there, but you might want to check it out to help you understand what others are dealing with. I think there are also support groups out there for spouses/SO's of sex addicts, which is probably mentioned in the thread.
In the meantime, you know it is so important to take care of YOU. Get tested for STDS, meet with a counselor and your doctor if your anxiety level is off the charts.
My heart is bleeding for you, I cannot imagine going through this hell twice.
You know the routine, you can plant a secret VAR in his vehicle if you really want to get at more truth and be certain he does not have another secret phone. Actions, not words, always.
So the brutal truth is that your whole relationship was probably built on a lie.
It also could be a partial truth- he could have been in a rela where he cheated first, then she did, so it's not really a lie per se, but the infidelity was mutual. Liars use and twist the truth for their own advantage. But either way, it's still a lie.
And you are correct, you HAVE been abused.
I am so, so sorry you find yourself here again, Suzukideb.
Sending you strength in whatever path you decide to take.
A polygraph seems like a great idea right now. You need to know the full extent before you can even think about giving him a second chance. This type of ingrained behavior is hard to change and you must know what you are truly facing. He must come clean too. I think the polygraph is your best place to start on that front.
I'm so sorry. I hope you find an IC for yourself and that you do as many good things to pamper yourself as you possible can. Confide in friends IRL who you can trust if you can for the extra support.
I am so sorry that your are having such a 'crazy' time with you second WH. Like the other posters I believe he was the betrayer in his last marriage. Remember liars lie and cheaters cheat.
Damn this situation sucks!
Normally I would never suggest what I am about to suggest because I really love and loving relationships.
After all you have been through with your first marriage having to suffer though another cheating liar...I think maybe you might want to cut your losses and run for the hills.
You are still so young! So much life ahead of you. Why spend it with someone so broken...so messed up that you were just quarry to be used and abused.
He got you in his sights and donned a mask of a doting, loving man to reel you in for the kill...Do you see that?
Your mental health, your chance at a great life with a honest loving partner should not be taken away by this WH with a sickness that takes years to 'cure'...You life is worth so much more.
Right now I want you to think of only yourself. Just you...Do you really want to hang around hoping this guy can 'heal' himself so he has the strength to help to 'heal' you...REALLY?
YOU and your well being are worth more than anything or anyone else right now.
Please be kind to yourself, think about detaching and moving on...free yourself from the anchor of his messed up thinking, don't let him drag you down one more day.
Bless you, kind and caring Suzu, and please protect your heart.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
When I met xwf in 2003 he told me his xw had been having a LTA with someone. He also told me several sad stories about himself. I also saw his daughter at 24 years old would not call him back routinely for 1-2 weeks after he might contact her by voicemail. Felt she was somewhat disrespectful at some level most of the time I was with xwf for 8 years. I would ask him once or twice a year "Are you sure you didn't do something to really upset her or xw?" Xw and daughter seemed bent on anger towards him.
Well, after DD I was embarrassed because I felt I had been set up to say some negative things about his daughter (not usually a good thing to do but I felt so bad for what he went thru when in reality it probably wasn't even true--bad health issue, job, death of mother all at same time), when in reality, I do believe, HE may have cheated earlier in the marriage and his xw's A was to get away from him and his past. And that the daughter just couldn't stomach him for a long time. She did get somewhat better xwf's last couple years with me, but she still had a residual attitude with him.
This went on for our 8 year engagement. I had remained supportive of him and only months after Dd did I put 2 and 2 together.
I felt totally duped.
Trust your Gut!!
P.S. Met xwf online, and now when I hear someone talking naiively about getting to know and believe what is being told online---Don't believe it till proven several times over. Sooooo easy to gaslight, lie,etc. online. And emails and texts can go on for weeks bonding up and all a smokescreen for the true person.
You can be with someone for years without knowing the true person.
[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 4:21 PM, March 29th (Saturday)]