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suzukideb posted 3/27/2014 20:22 PM

Well, not sure where to begin my story is so drawn out and I am still in shock and never believed that I would actually be posting here again nearly ten years after my first marriage ended due to infidelity. My WS and I got married in 2003 shortly after my first marriage ended. I was very vulnerable at the time and devastated by my first husband’s actions and inability to stop his affair that her never actually admitted to. When I met my WS we immediately connected. Looking back I believe it was because both of us were betrayed and had similar stories to share. I believed being with a man that had been a BS was definitely an insurance policy against it ever happening again. The first few years were amazing. As we got to know each other we became best friends. There was not much we did apart. I never thought I would trust someone again but he soon earned my full trust, he was a betrayed spouse, of course he would never cheat. Then, that first night came in 2006. We were lying in bed when his phone rang with a women’s voice on the other end…he quickly hung up and ran in the bathroom and puked. He came out and told me his friend gave him a phone number for a “crank shaft” for his racecar but actually it was an escort and not she wont stop calling him. Naturally because of his defensive actions I really didn’t believe him but I knew the phone bill would come and I would just call the number myself. At this point I believed I knew how to catch a cheater, but deep down I knew I was just crazy because of my past. A few days later after I kept questioning him he admitted it was a girl at work that needed directions to a job site. So, I called her and got a different story. She said he asked her out and didn’t know he was married. Nothing happened. End of that story. It took him over a year to finally admit asking her out but plead he had no intentions of cheating. That is when my anxiety started up again. Over the next couple of years we developed trust issues and he would lie about small things like going to a restaurant etc. Trust began to decline. I was worried but I knew I was crazy and damaged from my first marriage. Soon after that my husband’s best friend started swinging. He was constantly sending explicit pictures to my husband of his wife tempting him. He even got his wife to show her breasts to him on a video cam that I saw when I got home on my young sons account. I was livid and called her. After that it seem to subside some but I still had horrible feelings. Again, I ruled it as being crazy. Over all we were best friends with a decent life, decent sex etc. Nothing extraordinary but satisfying. I would classify as average/normal. We floated over the next few years, the issues with his friends swinging were discussed and we didn’t get into it. He said he would delete and bad pictures etc. Then in 2011 he changed professions. He started working in an office. My anxiety went into overtime. I felt something was horribly wrong. One day I found a friend request from a rather unattractive women he worked with. He declined the request because I felt uncomfortable with him being friends out of work with women and he was respectful of my past. Remember he was also a BS. But, I started to look at her Facebook page to convince myself she was no threat. She was over weight, and not classy at all. Boy, was I full of myself. I noticed that the postings she would write made it appear that she was having an affair with a coworker. I didn’t believe it was possible but I mentioned it to him. He told me I was stalking her Facebook and basically I was crazy. She did call him a few times on his phone from her cell, which he claimed were work related. That stopped very fast along with her Facebook page being public. During this time I only suspected. Eventually he lost his job around spring of 2012. I heard she moved to Florida. The in July 2012 we were traveling and he handed my his cell phone to put in an address. The Internet popped up an excort page. “Backpage.com” I started to search and found that he had been looking at escorts. He started to cry and said he had a problem. I knew in my heart it was big but he said he only looked but did it all the time. Over the next few weeks I started to investigate. Then one day I found several phone numbers and a text message from an escort but his response to the text was “too late.” Then I had an overcoming feeling to look in the garage. Within one minute I found a box of condoms. They were opened but none were missing. They appeared old and nearly expired. My heart stopped. Not again. I confronted him and immediately he denied the condoms was his. Now really? Well, I basically beat it out of him. He confessed to calling excorts, and making an appointment that he backed out of I really didn’t buy it but I had no proof. And remember I am crazy because of my past. I never believed the condom story and it never stopped eating at me. He was VERY emotional, very remorseful and appeared to understand to my needs. He showed me every add he called and matched the numbers to the phone bill. He appeared to do everything he needed to do to save our marriage. Still, I felt uneasy but felt I could be a little crazy with my feelings. Well then about 15 months later this September 2013 I found a few innocent text messages on his phone from a female coworker. I got very upset he didn’t tell me and over reacted. The messages were nothing as he invited her and her boyfriend to stop by for a few drinks with me. She was actually looking for a female friend to hang out with and he thought we would like each other. Turns out we are now friends. But, this was a trigger and I began very strong bad feelings of impending doom. Then a few days later he left the house acting strange and I felt it. He wasn’t gone long and had a very detailed account of where he had been and had a friend validate it with out me asking. Not normal behavior. I then again started dwelling on that female coworker from the previous year with the stuff on Facebook. In the meantime I became friends with his friend that was a swinger that ended up in a devastating divorce and was a support person for him to talk to but he started leaving hints that my husband was cheating. So the girl in question…I sent her a message on facebook stating he admitted having an inappropriate relationship and I wanted to see if there story’s matched, well she spilled everything. They had a 15 month affair, second phone, and private fake Facebook accounts to chat. After talking to her for days the affair was him lying about me leaving him and random sex. She said he never was nice, actually a jerk and never would take care of her sexually and she was desperate for love and took what she could get. She said she knew after meeting me that something in his story didn’t add up but she didn’t see it at the time. So, now again back to square one. He again came clean about the affair. Remorse, church, reading relationship books etc. We were at the six month mark when I started having those horrible feelings again. Not during this time the anxiety never really stopped. I just learned to live with it. Still believing I was crazy. Then it hit me. I kept thinking about an old broken phone his friend mentioned and that one Sunday he left with that amazing story of accountability. His friend ended up back in September telling me that my husband had a huge problem, used a second phone as a tablet off our wifi undectable, used escorts, and dating sites. He claimed my husband was a sex addict and a horrible person and I needed to leave him. My BS felt his friend was falling for me and just wanted my to leave him. I thought about that old phone and found the account information for google play. I got into the old account and saw all the free texting apps and dating sites. I confronted my husband and told him my findings. Google actually showed that the phone was active until September 2013 when I learned of the affair with the coworker. He then broke down and admitted being a sex addict. He admitted to sex with two escorts. Both around March 2013. Then a dry spell till mid summer. Then met a women off the “Skout” app for very aggressive sex in a hotel. Then another short texting affair that let to sex on the day with the amazing story of accountability. Actually that story of accountability day I found a small amount of semen that did test positive on a shirt he wore and several pair of underwear. So….I am NOT Crazy after all. Great, now I am completely devastated, heart broken and just plain dumb. I actually feel abused. He seems to have hit rock bottom or so I believe. He went and got a tattoo to remind him of this, took me to ever place he cheated at my request to see me in the same spot, I saw the escorts house and hotel. He is right now at his first meeting for sex addicts. My fear…is there more? I feel there is, or am I crazy? Would a polygraph help? Right now my head is spinning.

Mhiimg65 posted 3/27/2014 20:59 PM

I can't help you, but wanted to send hugs. The people who can help you will soon be here.

annb posted 3/27/2014 21:11 PM

Wow, suzu, I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

My first thought, and it is only a thought, is did you know for sure when you first met that he was a BS and not the other way around?

There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for partners of sex addicts. I don't know if there is a lot of traction down there, but you might want to check it out to help you understand what others are dealing with. I think there are also support groups out there for spouses/SO's of sex addicts, which is probably mentioned in the thread.

In the meantime, you know it is so important to take care of YOU. Get tested for STDS, meet with a counselor and your doctor if your anxiety level is off the charts.

My heart is bleeding for you, I cannot imagine going through this hell twice.

You know the routine, you can plant a secret VAR in his vehicle if you really want to get at more truth and be certain he does not have another secret phone. Actions, not words, always.

((((Hugs)))))

cosmicjoke posted 3/28/2014 00:26 AM

Of course you're not crazy.
My first thought-- what proof do you have that he was really a 'BS'..? What I have learned is that cheaters/manipulators use that line in the beginning, to bond with you, gain sympathy, TRICK you; get their foot in the door (to being with you/ using you). Sadly, they know this is your weak spot, and that by giving you this line they can easily get you to trust them, because (exactly what you said)- since it was done to them, they 'get it'- SURELY they wouldn't do that to someone else, would they..? It gives them an 'invisibility cloak' so to speak.. (a wolf in sheep's clothing, basically). It makes you feel relaxed and non-vigilant so they can be free to do as they please, while they just keep using you as a backup/ stable homelife.

So the brutal truth is that your whole relationship was probably built on a lie.
It also could be a partial truth- he could have been in a rela where he cheated first, then she did, so it's not really a lie per se, but the infidelity was mutual. Liars use and twist the truth for their own advantage. But either way, it's still a lie.

And you are correct, you HAVE been abused.

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/28/2014 07:46 AM

Oh Lord. This has been one continuous 10 year cheating spree he's been on.

I am so, so sorry you find yourself here again, Suzukideb.

Sending you strength in whatever path you decide to take.

Uhtred posted 3/28/2014 12:16 PM

I really hate to hear this for you. You've been heard and I'm sure someone will come along and give you some great advice. I'm so sorry for your pain.

norabird posted 3/28/2014 15:56 PM

No, you are not crazy. And yes, you have been traumatized and abused.

A polygraph seems like a great idea right now. You need to know the full extent before you can even think about giving him a second chance. This type of ingrained behavior is hard to change and you must know what you are truly facing. He must come clean too. I think the polygraph is your best place to start on that front.

I'm so sorry. I hope you find an IC for yourself and that you do as many good things to pamper yourself as you possible can. Confide in friends IRL who you can trust if you can for the extra support.

Getting to Happy posted 3/29/2014 10:31 AM

Oh My Suzu!

I am so sorry that your are having such a 'crazy' time with you second WH. Like the other posters I believe he was the betrayer in his last marriage. Remember liars lie and cheaters cheat.

Damn this situation sucks!

Normally I would never suggest what I am about to suggest because I really love and loving relationships.

BUT~

After all you have been through with your first marriage having to suffer though another cheating liar...I think maybe you might want to cut your losses and run for the hills.

You are still so young! So much life ahead of you. Why spend it with someone so broken...so messed up that you were just quarry to be used and abused.

He got you in his sights and donned a mask of a doting, loving man to reel you in for the kill...Do you see that?

Your mental health, your chance at a great life with a honest loving partner should not be taken away by this WH with a sickness that takes years to 'cure'...You life is worth so much more.

Right now I want you to think of only yourself. Just you...Do you really want to hang around hoping this guy can 'heal' himself so he has the strength to help to 'heal' you...REALLY?

YOU and your well being are worth more than anything or anyone else right now.

Please be kind to yourself, think about detaching and moving on...free yourself from the anchor of his messed up thinking, don't let him drag you down one more day.

Bless you, kind and caring Suzu, and please protect your heart.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 3/29/2014 16:13 PM

Hi, Suzu,

When I met xwf in 2003 he told me his xw had been having a LTA with someone. He also told me several sad stories about himself. I also saw his daughter at 24 years old would not call him back routinely for 1-2 weeks after he might contact her by voicemail. Felt she was somewhat disrespectful at some level most of the time I was with xwf for 8 years. I would ask him once or twice a year "Are you sure you didn't do something to really upset her or xw?" Xw and daughter seemed bent on anger towards him.

Well, after DD I was embarrassed because I felt I had been set up to say some negative things about his daughter (not usually a good thing to do but I felt so bad for what he went thru when in reality it probably wasn't even true--bad health issue, job, death of mother all at same time), when in reality, I do believe, HE may have cheated earlier in the marriage and his xw's A was to get away from him and his past. And that the daughter just couldn't stomach him for a long time. She did get somewhat better xwf's last couple years with me, but she still had a residual attitude with him.

This went on for our 8 year engagement. I had remained supportive of him and only months after Dd did I put 2 and 2 together.

I felt totally duped.

Trust your Gut!!

P.S. Met xwf online, and now when I hear someone talking naiively about getting to know and believe what is being told online---Don't believe it till proven several times over. Sooooo easy to gaslight, lie,etc. online. And emails and texts can go on for weeks bonding up and all a smokescreen for the true person.

You can be with someone for years without knowing the true person.

Hugs!

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 4:21 PM, March 29th (Saturday)]

Losconang15 posted 3/31/2014 16:58 PM

I don't have much to add but just to offer my support and say sorry to hear about all this. Also to say, we are never crazy. Our gut feeling is never wrong. It just scares the lights out of us to believe it even though we know it's right :( hugs

suzukideb posted 4/17/2014 19:55 PM

Thanks for all the support. The last few weeks have been surreal but we have been talking a lot. He is at his third SAA meeting and for the most part I believe he has told me the truth about the extent but for me my gut is just confused so after a while if I still get that nagging feeling I'll know if there is more. I do believe he was a betrayed spouse in his first marriage she confessed to sleeping with his best friend and a few others. I did write the girl he had the affair with and told her I forgave her for her part in the affair. It was a weight off my shoulders to hold that grudge against her. She made a bad choice getting involved with a married man and learned a very hard lesson about being used. As for now I am freeing myself of her. I do not care about her so why burden myself with her stupidity. God has his own plan for her. Karma did play a visit to my husband recently when he was working in his shop and a fire started and it burnt to the ground. He was able to escape with a few burns but had to watch everything he owned including his race cars burn. He lost all his material things. After this he really hit rock bottom. Prior to this a had said to him that nothing ever bad happens to him. I was the one being cheated on, my beloved dog died suddenly and my son was dealing with depression from a girl breaking up with him and he drank too much cold medicine and ended up in the hospital. The then fire. He believed it was a message for him to change. I really don't know what to think. I want to believe he wants to change. God is forgiving, so I feel I must be but to what extent? Sex addiction is a result of a personality disorder but can he stop? Did he stop in September? Or did he stop when he finally confessed last month? For now I am freeing myself of making and life decisions. Taking it one day at a time. Next week I start my Masters in Nursing Informatics. When the time comes to decide I'll be stronger again to make the right choice. For now, I need to take care of me and live. I bought a puppy this week. He (Louie the Pug) gets my mind of things and makes me smile. I know the ups and downs of grief. Been there ten years ago and I came out stronger. I will again survive this too and become stronger than ever.