SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

byefornow posted 3/27/2014 20:22 PM

My WH left me again today. After I confronted him about deleting internet history. I have cried all day at work, barely functioning, projects falling behind and my co-workers don't know why. And now I am alone. And he is somewhere. And I am drinking too much trying to make the pain of 30 years of knowing him go away.
When does it get better? I am 5+ months out and this feels like the day I discovered the affair but even worse.
I am not strong enough to do this. I just want the pain to end.

swank posted 3/27/2014 20:24 PM

I'm so sorry, it's so sad to read this. I drank so much in the first months after D day I was really getting worried about myself. I don't have any good advice, just try to be strong, try to look ahead, and most important, try to take care of yourself.

foolishlycluless posted 3/27/2014 20:33 PM

BFN,

I am in the boat with you - I feel the same pain. Someone that has more experience than me will be along soon with some advice that will help you, but I just wanted to say that you have been heard, and you are not alone.

FC

4better4worse posted 3/27/2014 20:53 PM

((hugs))) to you byefornow, I can relate to this post, as a long time married spouse I have drank in the beginning way too much to mask the pain-- only it doesn't really work, it only makes things so much worse for us! At the time it might seem like a good idea and all, and I've drowned my sorrows as a defense mechanism but I know now that we still have to wake up the next day and we still have to deal with the raw deal we've been dealt! It is hard, so very hard. I am so sorry.

justme1264 posted 3/27/2014 21:00 PM

(((byefornow)))

I am so utterly sorry you are going through this. I am too new to give you better advice than most here.

The only thing that helps my sadness is water, healthy food, exercise, friends, and daylight. It i the nights and early mornings that are hard. tonight will be a difficult one. Just know you are not alone.

byefornow posted 3/27/2014 21:14 PM

That is what sucks.i am alone. I have poured my heart into this relationship. And now I am alone.
Tears flowing.
I pray tomorrow will be a better day.

4everfaithful83 posted 3/27/2014 21:37 PM

Byefornow - So sorry for your pain. But you ARE strong enough. Do not lose hope.

If your WH thinks he is better off without you, it is his loss, not yours. He's a fool and he will soon come to realize what a mistake he has made.

In the meantime...focus on yourself. Take it one day at a time. Make sure you eat, sleep and drink plenty of water! Read the healing library as much as possible, and come back to SI often.

If he is willing to leave you over a confrontation about deleting internet history, he is obviously hiding something. You need to show him that these actions are NOT OK. You will not stand for lies any longer. Stand firm. Stand up for yourself, because you deserve better than that.

I know it seems hard and unimaginable, but you will be happy again, with or without your WH. So focus on being happy with just you, and you know what? If he realizes the huge blunder he has made...maybe by then you won't even want him back. How about them apples?

Guinness23 posted 3/27/2014 21:40 PM

(((byefornow)))

I feel your pain, honey. I really do. I am 5 years out and only NOW in the last year have I been hitting the alcohol really hard. It became my best friend,sadly. Throughout my marriage I never, ever drank. I had 3 geriatric dogs that I needed to be sober for so I never began abusing alcohol to drown my sorrows from one hit after another in my life until the last one of my four-legger children had to be driven to get put down by me in 2011. For two and half years now -most excessively in 2013 - I have been drunk. Here is my point: one of the posters here last week said "put the bottle down" and that is the first time it resonated with me to do so. After two and half years of abuse to drown my sorrows, I have put on weight, I look 150 years old even though I am 46 and my health is suffering. This week is the FIRST week I haven't had any alcohol in all that time. My second point is is that if it goes unchecked it becomes a noose around your neck bringing you down.

I would like to say that everyone that comes on this site and has to go through this pain MUST know that it IS possible to come out the other side without such abuse. For me, the infidelity, careless disregard for 15 years of marriage, younger model who could conceive, loss of love, loss of financial security, the huge reality of divorce, job loss, career loss, bankruptcy, foreclosure and unrooting to a different state was TOO much to take one after another. I retreated within myself and hid. My third point is is to learn from the stories you read here about how strong you can become so much more than me without feeling such pain. Right now, it IS so much to take...just don't do what I did and let ALL of it get to you so bad that you end up hurting yourself in the process.

BAB61 posted 3/27/2014 22:05 PM

First, tell your boss at work what is going on. You can bet that your lack of focus has been noticed. Maybe your workplace has counseling services you can avail yourself of. Never hurts to ask.

Second - I say this with as much gentleness as possible - stop drinking! This can spiral out of control to the point you hit rock bottom, yes it can get worse! Please, please stop.

Take care of YOU! Eat healthy foods, drink lots of water, exercise - now more than ever you need to be your best.

Tell your friends IRL - let them know what is going on. I'm sure they know something is wrong, they will help. Having one or two people know what is going on will give you a safe place to vent. You need friends now ...

Know he's the cheater, the liar and the sneak ... you did not do these things, he CHOSE to do them, it is in no way your fault. Do not own any of the shame or blame.

((byefornow))

norabird posted 3/27/2014 22:40 PM

I like the quote "The cure for the pain, is the pain". It would be nice to avoid it--and it can be buffered, by friends, by treating ourselves with kindness, by small indulgences and the help of others IRL and on places like SI--but in the end it has to be faced and felt. The best advice I have heard on that is to lean into it. Get in the shower or lay in bed and let yourself go. Let the tears come. Without alcohol. It is cleansing in a way. Our body has to process the trauma, and when we let ourselves cry, we release some of the tension and sadness. It will come in waves and you can give in to them instead of fighting them. It's not weakness to hurt. It only means you have a kind and loving heart. That is his loss, my dear. Wherever he is tonight, he can't escape himself, though he may wish to. Don't you try to escape either. Embrace your pain, comfort yourself, acknowledge the grief and morning, and know that one day it will lessen. One day you will be happy again. Refrain from drinking for that woman you are thinking of in the future--the one who handled her loss with grace and strength and gained in compassion for her trials; compassion not just for others but for herself.

byefornow posted 3/27/2014 23:03 PM

Norabird -you just made me cry some more. I have put the bottle down and am going to bed to sleep this off.
I am embarrassed I got to this point but hinestly, it felt good.
I will retread your words in the morning and cry more.
I only wish my WH knew how much his actions hurt me. So sad.
Thank you all for getting me through another night.

Jrazz posted 3/27/2014 23:08 PM

Don't ever feel embarrassed here. We've truly seen and done it all.

(((byefornow)))

FaithFool posted 3/27/2014 23:13 PM

BFN, at six months out I was drinking a box of wine every other day and spent a lot of time weeping.

However, I was also doing three strenuous yoga classes a week and I think that saved my sanity.

It's natural to gravitate to self-soothing behaviours, but it's also not great to let it keep you from really embracing the pain of the huge changes you're going through. This shit is hard!

I can totally relate though. Big hugs. You will get through this.

Now I'm six *years* out and life is better. I did carry on with too much wine for quite a long time though, turning it into a celebration of my new freedom.

This year I finally got a grip on it and have some discipline now.

I put two words in my phone that pop up every day around happy hour:

Take
Control

I'm allowed to have wine in the house on any day that has an "F" in it.

You will figure it out for yourself eventually. Just don't let it destroy you. You're worth more.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:15 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]

threewords posted 3/27/2014 23:14 PM

(((byefornow)))

We have all done and said things we wish we hadn't. I am too new on SI to give you advice but one thing I've learned already is that no one here is judging anyone. Try not to be embarrassed, get some rest, and know you will get through this.