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Newest Member: WOPR (61467)

User Topic: S A H D needing advice
♂ 33834
Member # 33834
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been financially dependent on FWW for years as a stay at home parent. It seems as though D is inevitable at this point. I am wondering, because of gender bias in the family court system, am I better off working toward self sufficiency prior to D, or post? I anticipate a very vindictive response should I file.

Not looking forward to this.

m BS/ FWBF/ F pill addict binge drinker 37 h FWW/ BGF 38
d 9 s 7
My A: ONS 2003 other inappropriate behavior/ poor boundaries
Her A: 5 month EA/PA 2011
DDay 8/30/11 (I caught her and confessed to mine)
married 8 years, together 19 working on R/

Posts: 404 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: right behind you
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say post. But be prepared for her to totally cut you off financially. See if you can squirrel away a reserve.

Since justice is "supposed" to be blind, file anything a SAHM would. File for emergency support, exclusive use of the house, etc. Make sure you find a lawyer who is willing to fight for your rights.

Carry a VAR and protect yourself against false claims of abuse.

Good Luck.

One day
I'm gonna forget your name,
And one sweet day,
you're gonna drown in my lost pain. - "Sweet Sacrifice" by Evanescence

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Posts: 3391 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Find attorneys that specialize in fathers rights. In nonstandard situations they can be very helpful.

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 6708 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Kajem that you should find a L who promotes father's rights.
You are currently in the same position as a SAHM. However, there remains a societal bias in this respect and you need a L who knows how your jurisdiction views this issue and one who is gender-blind.

Have you spoken to a L yet?

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the specialized lawyer advice.

As a SAHM for 15 years the protocol was that I would be assigned minimum wage at 40 a week (whether I was working or not). SS would be based on the difference incomes based on that figure @25-33% (long term M - 30 years).

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4432 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
♀ 27546
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer.

My state has done away with alimony entirely, except for very specific circumstances (over 10 years of marriage AND reparative.... Like if they spent 80k on school out of family money, or did XYZ with family money).

So, in my state, what usually happens is that

- Workimg parent gets both the house &80% to full custody (because they have the job to support them, and the house to live in)

UNLESS... Your lawyer works miracles.

In order to work miracles, they need to be in on the ground floor.

Once you start doing things in preparation for divorce, it changes the ENTIRE ball game (say you get a job, but don't file for 3 more years, her attorney can argue date of separation 3 years prior / bad faith).

So getting a job as a worst case, and trying to save your marriage can screw you.

Nothing about the law makes sense or is fair.
So do zip, nada, zilch, until you have an attorney to guide you through that maze.

Really. It's crazy-town. Where the shortest way from A to B is a double helix reflected on a spiral, folded in half, and swallowed by a chimpanzee.


"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013

Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The court is going to assume you are working a 40-hour a week job at minimum wage. Any financial calculation is going to include this fictitious, non-existent money. You might as well get a job and be making that actual money if at all possible. It will not hurt your prospects for support, and it WILL help pay your bills & put food in your belly. You will not be looked upon kindly by a judge if you aren't making any effort towards self-sufficiency by the time a trial or conversations with the judge become necessary.

Let me just tell you plainly that it is not easy to re-enter the workforce after you've taken time out to raise a family. I have been trying to get a job for 1.5 years. No one takes me seriously. So don't delay in looking for work.

There is gender bias in the court system, but it is not against dads. It is against protective mothers who are trying to save their children from an abusive father.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
million pieces
♀ 27539
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I live in MD, I was a SAHM for 8 yrs and was told by 3 different lawyers to immediately start looking for work as I would be expected to go back. Not sure if there would be a gender bias either way on that one. Alimony is pretty much gone too in MD, I got a laughable amount for 1 yr until I got a full time job.

Me - 45
2 kids, 12 and 15
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1675 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
♀ 32550
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ultimately you need to consult a lawyer because it varies by state/county. But for a point of reference, I live in a fault state that still awards SS, and it is very meager and short term at best. And in my case, because I got a MBA before I SAH for 9 years they calculate everything based on me being able to go back and get a FT job that pays $40k with benefits, which is completely not realistic at all - mine is worse than them expecting me to work 40 hours at minimum wage. So this is why you really need to consult a lawyer, because it not only varies by your location but your personal sitch.

Courts expect at least 60/40 for custody so CS is minimal as well. Your best best is to secure half of whatever assets you can and divert as much of the liabilities/debt in your name before you file and start looking for work right away. Look into assistance programs too, because it is better to do it now than when under duress since many take time to set up. Pretty much once you file, most places expect you will not SAH any more and should be self-supporting.

BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1503 | Registered: Jun 2011
Topic Posts: 9

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