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S A H D needing advice

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Cannaman posted 3/27/2014 20:45 PM

I have been financially dependent on FWW for years as a stay at home parent. It seems as though D is inevitable at this point. I am wondering, because of gender bias in the family court system, am I better off working toward self sufficiency prior to D, or post? I anticipate a very vindictive response should I file.

Not looking forward to this.

Gemini71 posted 3/27/2014 20:55 PM

I would say post. But be prepared for her to totally cut you off financially. See if you can squirrel away a reserve.

Since justice is "supposed" to be blind, file anything a SAHM would. File for emergency support, exclusive use of the house, etc. Make sure you find a lawyer who is willing to fight for your rights.

Carry a VAR and protect yourself against false claims of abuse.

Good Luck.

Kajem posted 3/27/2014 21:32 PM

Find attorneys that specialize in fathers rights. In nonstandard situations they can be very helpful.

gonnabe2016 posted 3/27/2014 21:57 PM

I agree with Kajem that you should find a L who promotes father's rights.
You are currently in the same position as a SAHM. However, there remains a societal bias in this respect and you need a L who knows how your jurisdiction views this issue and one who is gender-blind.

Have you spoken to a L yet?

Take2 posted 3/27/2014 23:18 PM

I agree with the specialized lawyer advice.

As a SAHM for 15 years the protocol was that I would be assigned minimum wage at 40 a week (whether I was working or not). SS would be based on the difference incomes based on that figure @25-33% (long term M - 30 years).

CheshCat posted 3/27/2014 23:32 PM

Lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer.

My state has done away with alimony entirely, except for very specific circumstances (over 10 years of marriage AND reparative.... Like if they spent 80k on school out of family money, or did XYZ with family money).

So, in my state, what usually happens is that

- Workimg parent gets both the house &80% to full custody (because they have the job to support them, and the house to live in)

UNLESS... Your lawyer works miracles.

In order to work miracles, they need to be in on the ground floor.

Once you start doing things in preparation for divorce, it changes the ENTIRE ball game (say you get a job, but don't file for 3 more years, her attorney can argue date of separation 3 years prior / bad faith).

So getting a job as a worst case, and trying to save your marriage can screw you.

Nothing about the law makes sense or is fair.
So do zip, nada, zilch, until you have an attorney to guide you through that maze.

Really. It's crazy-town. Where the shortest way from A to B is a double helix reflected on a spiral, folded in half, and swallowed by a chimpanzee.


Nature_Girl posted 3/28/2014 01:57 AM

The court is going to assume you are working a 40-hour a week job at minimum wage. Any financial calculation is going to include this fictitious, non-existent money. You might as well get a job and be making that actual money if at all possible. It will not hurt your prospects for support, and it WILL help pay your bills & put food in your belly. You will not be looked upon kindly by a judge if you aren't making any effort towards self-sufficiency by the time a trial or conversations with the judge become necessary.

Let me just tell you plainly that it is not easy to re-enter the workforce after you've taken time out to raise a family. I have been trying to get a job for 1.5 years. No one takes me seriously. So don't delay in looking for work.

There is gender bias in the court system, but it is not against dads. It is against protective mothers who are trying to save their children from an abusive father.

million pieces posted 3/28/2014 06:07 AM

I live in MD, I was a SAHM for 8 yrs and was told by 3 different lawyers to immediately start looking for work as I would be expected to go back. Not sure if there would be a gender bias either way on that one. Alimony is pretty much gone too in MD, I got a laughable amount for 1 yr until I got a full time job.

hathnofury posted 3/28/2014 13:36 PM

Ultimately you need to consult a lawyer because it varies by state/county. But for a point of reference, I live in a fault state that still awards SS, and it is very meager and short term at best. And in my case, because I got a MBA before I SAH for 9 years they calculate everything based on me being able to go back and get a FT job that pays $40k with benefits, which is completely not realistic at all - mine is worse than them expecting me to work 40 hours at minimum wage. So this is why you really need to consult a lawyer, because it not only varies by your location but your personal sitch.

Courts expect at least 60/40 for custody so CS is minimal as well. Your best best is to secure half of whatever assets you can and divert as much of the liabilities/debt in your name before you file and start looking for work right away. Look into assistance programs too, because it is better to do it now than when under duress since many take time to set up. Pretty much once you file, most places expect you will not SAH any more and should be self-supporting.

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