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Question about self blame...

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justme1264 posted 3/27/2014 20:49 PM

Why can't I stop blaming myself for the A and betrayal? For her walking out of our marriage and leaving me unwanted? Why no matter how many times I look at the facts of what she did, her actions, her lies...I still always come to the conclusion I should have been a better husband - if I could only go back - none of this would have happened!

Put "phases" aside - what is the real reason I can't stop ultimately taking the blame for the end of the marriage? It is causing me a great deal of distress.

Maybe it IS my fault and I am unable to see that it is. Maybe my reaction to finding out about the affair caused the final blow to our marriage. Maybe it is all the time wasted on me working on my personal problems that I messed up and my wife left me a long time ago...maybe it is my fault.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 8:51 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]

SBB posted 3/27/2014 21:51 PM

I had a shit husband. I didn't cheat.

You're blaming yourself like we all do. It's a normal reaction. It makes us feel in control somehow - if I had only done X, Y, Z this would not have happened. Another part is that we want to think we were a factor in it somehow - because it hurts too much to accept this has zero, ZERO to do with us.

Far better wives than me have been cheated on. Far worse wives than me have not.

I had the worst husband imaginable. Emotionally abusive, distant, manipulative, moody etc. I wasn't faithful because I loved him so much but because I loved myself too much. I wasn't willing to consider R because I loved him so much either - it was because I was afraid and didn't want to be wrong about him.

Some OW were ugly as sin, some beautiful. Nothing to do with OW - if it wasn't them it would be some other idiot with zero self esteem who didn't mind sloppy seconds.

They don't cheat because there is something wrong with us. They cheat because there is something wrong with them.

There is nothing you can do to make someone cheat just as there is nothing you can do stop someone cheating.

The sad clown was always going to cheat on his wife. No matter whether it was me or someone else.

How little a factor we were is a bitter pill to swallow. I know it.

Leia posted 3/27/2014 22:06 PM

Maybe it is all the time wasted on me working on my personal problems that I messed up and my wife left me a long time ago.

My STBXWH came in with a whole list of things that I needed to "fix" about myself prior to me finding out about the A. For years I was trying to "fix" myself. Look back honestly. Was there anything really wrong with you? I bet there really isn't. I know that in my case, my IC pointed out that this was a way of controlling me and beating me down. I hear you, because it sounds like we both have spouses that play the same games and fuck with our minds.

There is nothing wrong with you. You're a beautiful person. You tried your best with your M, and though it was bad, you didn't cheat. You didn't drive her away. She chose to go away in the worst possible manner.

I think that you need to see and IC about this. I know that my IC has had my back through all of this mess and has helped me see reality more clear. She also was able to get me to see the ways in which I was beating myself up. I see you doing the same thing I did to myself. Please get help. Please stop beating yourself up over this.

((((Hugs)))))

norabird posted 3/27/2014 23:03 PM

I consider this bargaining. I did it some too. 'If I weren't so condescending...' 'If I hadn't lost my temper when arguing...' Etc etc. Even that bullshit like "Maybe I really shouldn't have demanded he be in touch with me while I thought we were working on R and if I had only given him more space, it would have been okay." Honestly I am sick over the fact that he had me gaslighted and confused to the point that I had these absurd and ridiculous thoughts.

Now, are there things I want to improve on in my next relationship? Definitely. I was a very good, loving girlfriend but I had some failures in the relationship. All told however, it had nothing, zip, zero, nada to do with me. I could have been twice as good or twice as bad. I would never ever have been enough no matter what. I could not magically improve his coping skills or self-esteem! and those were where the problem lay. So no way am I going to keep dragging myself--my loyal, loving, caring, devoted, infatuated, sweet, funny, smart, thoughtful, beautiful,attentive, honest, self-aware, charismatic, amazing self, who he never ever EVER deserved--over the coals when HE was the one who failed on every level as a human being and partner. Fuck. That. Noise. You know, you sound like a great guy. To have a guy like you, who knows how to love? What I would have traded to get that at the end! It's priceless, truly. Do not go thinking you are somehow flawed or terrible or somehow invited and deserve this betrayal. That is a criminal waste of your energy. Focus on being kind to yourself, shutting down negative thoughts, affirming your worth, and remembering that you deserve much better treatment, and that you did your very best. None of us are perfect. That's part of life. Forgive yourself for it.

justme1264 posted 3/28/2014 00:09 AM

You folks are a major benefit to me. Thank you. Taking YOUR time to give me is so much appreciative. You know what eye opening. I have had more love in these few post from total strangers than I have had in the last 7 months of my marriage from my wife. That I am seeing is the truth and it saddens me greatly, as it should. I remember in my work with a foster youth, he said I was able to kick my abusive father out of my life when a foster parent showed me what it is like to be loved. This youth was so young, and the foster parent he mentioned was only in his life for 10 days before they passed away from a fatal, unsuspected illness. I GET what that youth meant now.

I wrote a goodbye letter to my wife before coming to check on this post. I feel as if I have accepted finally what is the truth.

SBB - thank you. You helped me see past my own desire to still believe he woman I married hasnt changed into the abusive person she is now. I see clearly now how abusive my wife is and was...emotionally, manipulative, distant, etc...the list goes on. She stopped loving me and started being a selfish cheater. She then bailed the moment she had to deal with he consequences.

And here I am left in the dust of all thr bombs...blaming myself. Scew that and screw her.

Nature_Girl posted 3/28/2014 02:12 AM

Codependent No More
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7045hAkX7c

Dawn58 posted 3/28/2014 02:14 AM

HI Justme,

That self blame is a tough one and as another has posted, self blame gave me the false impression that I could have changed the situation. I have fleeting thoughts of that now, but I know that is not true.

He had the affair because that is what he does. I was his third wife, he cheated on his second wife twice and I bet he cheated on his first wife. He will cheat on his mistress and will continue to cheat on the women in his life. I don't understand the "why" and I am reaching the point where I don't care.

All I know, is that he won't cheat on me again.

allatsea posted 3/28/2014 04:00 AM

You helped me see past my own desire to still believe he woman I married hasnt changed into the abusive person she is now. I see clearly now how abusive my wife is and was...emotionally, manipulative, distant, etc...the list goes on. She stopped loving me and started being a selfish cheater. She then bailed the moment she had to deal with he consequences.

I like this. I still feel shocked that this woman is so very different to the one I thought I was married to. I never knew she could be so callous, vindictive, hateful and self serving. I struggle with it every day.

freeatlast72 posted 3/28/2014 07:00 AM

((justme))

I can so relate to this!

STBXWH went down a list of things he found wrong with me during his affair.

I did not make him laugh-- the other woman does.

I do not cook for him (not true)-- the other woman never has cooked anything in her life and feeds her kids goldfish for dinner

I did not have a full time job- I work part time and decided I would start looking this past fall--what a jerk, he hardly gave me time to look before he started his affair.

The point is they are all EXCUSES!!! He basically fell in lurrrvve with somebody else and could not keep his commitment to his family. He got bored and wanted to move on.

They are all broken!!

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