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t/j what did it take to wake you

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Ostrich80 posted 3/28/2014 01:23 AM

The other post was referring to ws so as Norabird posted, I too would like a bs wake up call. Although I'm in need of another to finalize, there was an event that happened almost 2 yrs ago that made me decide I was no longer interested in a,R.
My DD who is a teen was going in for a biopsy of her lymph nodes. They were ruling out lymphoma. I was a mess and ws was also extremely worried. I've never been so scared in my life. While we were sitting in the surgery waiting room, I told ws I was going to go get us coffee. He said, I'm staying here in case the Dr comes out, I don't want to leave. I hurried downto the cafeteria and while I was gone, he messaged ow. For some reason I thought that us being so scared and leaning on each other during this time, that he would be making deals with God. I know I would have. You know, like I will do anything if you save my baby, I will give ow up and be the father my daughter needs and the husband her mother needs. Nope, he used the time to keep ow posted on our daughter's surgery. I have never felt such rage and hurt surge througj my veins. I knew at that.point, I no longer wanted him as my husband. I.have not filed yet, but mist definitely will. Thank God my girl checked out A ok.
So bs, what was your sign that you were done?

wannabenormal posted 3/28/2014 01:36 AM

Ostrich - that is really foul that he used that precious time to keep OW in whatever loop. That would push me over the edge too.

What woke me up wasn't anything like that. I kept waiting for HIM to wake up. I thought filing for D would do it. I thought his moving out would do it. I thought the first few family holidays HE missed out on would do it. I thought the final clean-out of his shit from the house would do it. Hell, I held out hope for a long time, foolishly.

I can't pinpoint an event or really even a time now, though I know it's been a while. I just finally clued in on how he is no one that I want to know anymore.

scarednbroken posted 3/28/2014 04:01 AM

I didn't have a wake up moment really. I was well aware of what he was doing. I had more of a "shit or get off the pot" momment. My DS (then 17 now 18) approached me about what WH was doing. He also told me how it was making him feel - and that our family was suffering. We cried a lot. Knowing that my kids had lost respect for WH pushed my resolve to file for D.

SBB posted 3/28/2014 04:26 AM

There were several issues I ignored/rugswept but the big one was he had a 1:1 lunch with his 24 y/o office gopher (to discuss her becoming his assistant) 11 weeks into R. He mentioned it to me beforehand and I was incredulous because a) he told me he had told her he was attracted to her during our first 8w S after DD; and b) we had been talking about boundaries for 11 full weeks.

This clearly crossed it. I said nothing. I knew I was done then but tried to ignore it. After the lunch I asked him what he would think if he heard about a man who had a 1:1 lunch with someone he had previously made a move on a mere 5m after cheating on his wife. Would he think it was appropriate?

He fell on his knees crying "oh my god - that was SO inappropriate! I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I didn't think of it. I'm so sorry - please, PLEASE be patient with me. I am learning new skills. Please - I'm begging you!".

I knew in that moment it was all an act and had always been an act - he had no intention of changing. He had been doing this for so long and getting away with it for so long that he thought he could get me to eat as much shit as he liked.

I didn't suspect her not because I trusted his fidelity but because I trusted her taste (him 40, her 24).

20w after S he told me he was read us to introduce this gopher to my then almost 5 and 2 year olds as his GF. She was not DD OW.

What a coinky dink! OWUmpteen was born.

[This message edited by SBB at 4:42 AM, March 28th (Friday)]

Credence posted 3/28/2014 04:32 AM

My wake-up call was very recent. I had realised that I just don't trust her anymore so I wrote her a letter detailing all of my ups and downs since DDay and how I had come to the realisation that I just couldn't bring myself to trust her again. I was filled with hope and anticipation, waiting for her to read the letter and say 'well if you don't trust me yet, I'll just have to try harder and keep trying until you do' or 'I am going to do whatever it takes to fix this mess'... well at least something along those lines. Alas, she read the letter and shed a tear but didn't have anything meaningful to say. The next day she asked me if she should move out. That was my wake-up call.

Sadmumma posted 3/28/2014 06:00 AM

The motel room booking. In 16 years the most romantic thing I'd ever got was "I thought of bring you flowers". Yep. Only a thought pretty sad hey.

To me, that was it. Done.

inconnu posted 3/28/2014 07:31 AM

When I found the secret cell phone, I knew I was done trying to save the marriage. But I didn't give up completely until ex walked out on me and the kids to be with OW/now wifetress.

Williesmom posted 3/28/2014 07:40 AM

I was already divorced from him, but had hope that we would still be together.

One day, a customer came to my house - apparently, wxh had sent him to my place and told him that he would be there shortly.

I found out the customer's problem and started getting out the tools that wxh would need to fix it because it was a Saturday, and I knew that he really didn't want to be working.

Wxh showed up. The first words out of his mouth were: "I don't know why I came here. You should have just fucking fixed it yourself." He said this in front of a customer.

I went in the house. After the customer left, I saw wxh leaving without telling me that he was going. So, I called him and asked if I would be seeing him later in the day. He just said "no" and hung up.

So, that was it. I was just done being treated like shit and disrespected. I saw that staying with him would condemn me to a life of embarrassment, belittlement, and self-loathing.

Within a week, I had the crying, snot filled, begging for me to please stay with him because he now knows how to be the kind of husband that I need -> after 26 years of treating me like shit.

Yeah, fuck him. I walked away from him and his bullshit and never looked back. It's so much better here.

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/28/2014 08:10 AM

I knew at that.point, I no longer wanted him as my husband. I.have not filed yet, but mist definitely will. Thank God my girl checked out A ok.
So bs, what was your sign that you were done?

You're a smart lady and my new hero.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:11 AM, March 28th (Friday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 3/28/2014 08:53 AM

6 years before DD, Npd-x had a near fatal DUI car wreck and severed a limb. He never called home that night, and I received an early morning call from the sheriff explaining the situation and severity, and the hospital doctors would be calling soon.

That event was so terrifying that I had some kind of PTSD effect and for years after, any late night call would send me into panic and extreme anxiety.

He lived and I asked him to promise to always call me if he was going to be late because of that experience. And he did call for awhile.

About 8 months after DD, he chose to stay out all night without a phone call to me. I had my normal PTSD reaction and when he came home he was evil and mean to me.

That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I filed for divorce the next day.

TrustedHer posted 3/28/2014 09:59 AM

After D-Day#1, I had panic attacks, diet issues, and failed a stress test, so they scheduled a cardiac cath for me.

I was pretty much just waiting for D-Day#2 to happen, so when I checked the online phone bill later, I realized that she spent pretty much the whole time I was under sedation talking with OM#3.

Yes, her husband, who she promised "in sickness and in health" and "forsaking all others", was in the recovery room with a huge wound in his leg, and she was chatting up her latest flame.

That's one of the 2 events I recall when I reflect back. The other is unpleasantly graphic. But I still begged for R a couple more weeks.

LostSamurai posted 3/28/2014 11:31 AM

Reading the texts to the OM and her referring to him as Hubby and then talking about marrying him and calling what they had for almost 3 years dating.

BAMAC posted 3/28/2014 12:15 PM

My wakeup came on Sunday when I found emails between them. I thought no contact had been in place since last May, but it turns out that only lasted a couple months and they've been back at it since sometime last year. She left that night, and I've only spoken to her to tell her I wasn't in the house so she could get more clothing.

threewords posted 3/28/2014 19:51 PM

I am reading these with intense interest...I guess I am still waiting for my wake-up call. I keep asking for "just one more sign" that it's over - and then I get it, and I wonder if that's the sign I should have gotten or if I'm ignoring other signs that could be pointing to R.

I really thought after finding out about OW#5 a few weeks ago, that that was it. That was my wake-up call. Now I'm doubting myself. And I can't even explain why.

Ostrich - I'm curious - if your wake-up call was 2 years ago, what is preventing you from filing? I'm wondering when this limbo feeling is going to end.

Foolme1 posted 3/28/2014 21:19 PM

For me, it took two years of hoping. I endured so much emotional abuse, which made me try even that much harder to be ther "perfect" wife. It was finding hard evidence for the third time after a weekend of emotional abuse that I said F it. I'm done. No big situation. Just decided I'd had enough. Decided I couldn't spend the rest of my life with a "man" I knew I could never trust.

EasyDoesIt posted 3/28/2014 21:34 PM

Waking up to getting raped by my then-spousal unit who had just spent an hour watching rape porn on his laptop. It wasn't the only time it happened. It was just the only time brutal enough that I had to go to the hospital. Yeah, that pretty much did it.

sad34 posted 3/28/2014 22:02 PM

This didn't make me choose to leave but it sure was something that made me think.

Our beloved dog, died of cancer right in front of us. I was holding him in my arms. He went downstairs and texted OW to let her know:(. Wtf is wrong with thise people. I hate them all.

jimbo25319 posted 3/28/2014 22:29 PM

WW went off the radar one morning, after a doctor appointment. WW finally called back, insisting our son and I go see the new Superman movie. WW said she didn't want to go. Very odd as we usually went to movies as a family.

Knew something was up. While at the movies I tried to call her twice. No answer. On third try she finally answered. Admitted she was at the city park with the OM. Prior to this she was "confused".

Got home after the movie, told her she made her choice and we were done.

Ostrich80 posted 3/29/2014 01:56 AM

Ostrich - I'm curious - if your wake-up call was 2 years ago, what is preventing you from filing? I'm wondering when this limbo feeling is going to end.

Our house will go on the market the same month my youngest will graduate hi school. She wants to finish up where she's at. Since our landlord is selling the place around the same time, I'm just waiting til then. Right now I'm cleaning up my credit and looking for employment since I've been a,sahm..Ive got a list to take care of before I leave. I have never been on my own so I need to plan carefully. We are living together but we are not living as,a married couple. I quit trying in that day at the hospital, finally I could say, I did not want him no matter what he did. Occassionally I have set backs but its getting easier to see my future without him, that was,a hard one for me was giving up hope. We've been together since hi school and.I just couldnt imagine growing old without him, now I'm getting excited thinking about it.

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