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Interesting Ban Meeting

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MammaMia posted 3/28/2014 01:35 AM

I do not go to many BAN meetings; actually this last year I only went 4 times. On our last meeting we had an assignment; we were supposed to write down what still is bothering us from the A. We would each ask our question and have the members discuss it. We only have one man in our group; the rest of us ( 7 members attending regularly excluding me ) are women.

There is one lady who is still suffering from the EA her H had and the hurtful things he did and said to her. What she is struggling with now is whether it had turned into a PA. She wants to know desperately but he refuses to answer; his response is" You will believe what you want to believe." nice, eh?

She posed 3 questions and she wanted to see what we, as men or women. would have done in this situation.

I will post the questions as best as I can remember; please DO NOT ask any question as to " why isn't she doing so and so?' or " how come her H does so and so?" ' Why doesn't she flat out ask him?" etc. She has asked: he won't give an answer.
Remember: I DO NOT KNOW details other than what she has discussed in the group the few times I attended.

I will print all answers and give them to her next time I see her. I am sure she would like to have as many answers on the subject as possible.

The facts:

He H was transferred to Saudi Arabia to work . He will work there for at least 2 years. He plans to come and visit every 3-4 months. She does not plan to join him mainly because of the location and the restrictions placed on women, but she will visit as often as she can.

The night before H left for the overseas assignment he met with her and many coworkers for a farewell party. She was told nothing about this, only that H would be having a few drinks with another coworker. As far as she knows, her H and this woman had only met at work earlier, no opportunity to meet privately. That she knows for a fact from a co-worker she asked.

Scenario No 1

If these two had a PA already, wouldn't they want to have another sexual encounter before he left?
As a man / woman wouldn't you have liked to? I know I would have.

Scenario No 2

If they had only kissed even once, wouldn't they want to kiss some more or make out in the car in the parking lot before he left to go overseas? As a man/ woman what would YOU have done? I know I would definitely have wanted to.

Scenario No 3 ( 2 part question)

If they had never had any physical contact, just an EA is it possible that since they would not see each other for quite a while

a) they would have been content to just say good bye and each go home
b) he would have walked her to her car ( as the gentleman that he is) and most likely they would have exchanged their first kiss right there and then? Something to look forward to and what may lie ahead when he comes back?
As a man/ woman what would YOU have done?

PS: I am stating the questions as posed to the group.

Please, do not guess what some man/woman would have done. Only what YOU would have done in this case.

Thank you for reading this and taking time to respond.

Sadmumma posted 3/28/2014 06:53 AM

What would I have done? I'm faithful, honest and loyal. So none of those things.

I would have asked was OW transferred OS as well.

homewrecked2011 posted 3/28/2014 07:07 AM

So the wife was not invited to the going away party?

That says he didn't want his wife there so that anything could happen.

Since H and coworker are adults, I doubt they had sex in the parking lot since other employees were there, and they could have gotten a hotel room that day (that's what my XWH did).

I can't say what I would have done because I'm not this type of person, and honestly, this type of person usually "trolls" to see what will bite, so there is no way to stay one step ahead of them.

Thanks for this question, it helps me to remember what I DID do -- divorced his ass for his lack of boundaries!

StillGoing posted 3/28/2014 07:32 AM

She wants to know desperately but he refuses to answer; his response is" You will believe what you want to believe."

Does not matter what the following scenarios are to me. They're irrelevant to the present.

The WS is behaving in a disrespectful, condescending and secretive way. The only scenario for me would be to 180 and work on a divorce if the WS did not get his/her shit together and go all in on the marriage. Honestly I think that WS is still involved in his affair.

gonnabe2016 posted 3/29/2014 00:33 AM

If I were getting ready to leave my family for 2 years, I would have spent the eve of my leaving at home with my spouse/children.

CheshCat posted 3/29/2014 02:43 AM


So I've been the work send off person (military, paramilitary, NGOs)... But none of this was while married. So I'm going to have to approach is as a single dating person.

Even for MYSELF there is no clear answer.

1) Oftentimes I broke off a relationship right before leaving for parts unknown. A group situation like this is a nice way to keep that boundary up... And easing into the "just friends" zone. I was friends with nearly all of my exes... And this was a big reason why. I'd see them in groups socially, and be sweet as sugar to them (and later their new girlfriends), but totally platonic. It's too easy to fall into old scripts in the beginning. A group setting makes it easier to keep a distance.

Other times? Durn straight I'd be out of that work party as fast as possible. clear yes/no on this one. Would I? Maybe. Would I want to? Maybe.

2) Not only no, but hell no.
If I'd only kissed someone once, there was a VERY good reason for it: I didn't want to be seeing them. The first kiss may have been an accident, or I may have found something out after (whole long list in that category), or I may have gotten into a different relationship, or I didn't want blah blah blah blah. Point being: I'm not a one kiss = more kinda girl. I'm just not. Just like buying me dinner does not equal owing anyone anything. Either it progresses on, or it dies then and there.

3) this is another "no clear answer".
Or at least... Not as presented.
Goodbye kiss? Or even goodbye snog?
Yah. Dozens of times.
Thinking it meant anything beyond "goodbye & good luck"?
Never. Not once.
That's just not how I operated.
I assumed they would be dating people, and I most certainly would be.
Most goodbye kisses were REAL goodbye kisses.
As in, I've never seen most of those men ever again.
Even men who were good friends.
2 years is an eternity in many ways.
People go about their lives, are scattered to the four winds (at least in my old line of work).
Some I've kept in intermittent contact with, but those are the rare blokes (I think maybe 6 or 7 in total, out of well over 100).
Not necessarilly my favorites, either.
Generally, it was just luck. People who were settled when I was.


I think what your acquaintance's list shows is what SHE would do in those situations, more than anything else.

Also... If I WERE dating someone... I usually didn't want them at the work-goodbye. I wanted a reason to be able to jump out as soon as possible and get back to them. So a work-lover I'd be trying to get t hem alone and away OR not touch them with a 10' pole, but a non-work lover I'd want the excuse of getting back to them. Then stay up all night saying goodbye to the person I'd miss the most... And sleep on the plane.

Again... Since she's asking what WE would do... That's mine. What I did. My best-loved get most of my time.


[This message edited by CheshCat at 2:54 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]

MammaMia posted 3/31/2014 18:52 PM


Thanks for this question, it helps me to remember what I DID do -- divorced his ass for his lack of boundaries!

Thanks for this answer. You made me laugh.


Thanks for the response to all three questions.

I will print all the answers and bring them to her. From what I have heard her say about her H's A, I wonder why she is still with him. After all the insults and intentional humiliation inflicted on her, I wonder why she has not divorced him....

Her H even called the police and had her put in jail over a weekend ; this was after Dday. He spent his time at their house with his AP ( that she found out later)Hers is a very sad story.

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