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damnUnicorns posted 3/28/2014 10:53 AM

*vent*
I'm feeling sorry that I confronted my H about his A.
Since I did everything has gotten so much worse. Now I KNOW what he's off doing.. and when. Now I no longer have access to any money, now I do not have access to our old joint account & he's forced me to spend the 1/2 I took on DD to pay for groceries/bills/dog food & Vet costs... to the point that I have only enough to buy a pair of shoes for the job it looks like I'm getting next week ( PT, fast food).

My lawyers advice was reconcile 'till he's working again. Ha! He has no interest in me, or even in apologizing for his part in this whole thing ...let alone reconciling.

I have no idea what he's spending the money he has coming in on (severance & unemployment). He shares nothing with me anymore. Not money,or conversation beyond occasional chit chat. All I know is he's going away this weekend & he's all smiles. He also has a habit of disappearing a few times a week for 5 or so hours (with OW).

I have no friends in my state & since I told my dad 2 weeks ago what was going on with my H , I haven't heard back from him. He wad very attached to my H. My dad & I always had a rocky relationship (he's alcoholic, abd elderly with his own financial& health issues). It sucks to be let down again.

H is angry with me, very cold ...unless he's horny & then he'll be nice/touchy feely until I cave (2x ). Once he gets what he wants he then becomes even MORE cold & angry, glaring at me, ignoring me if I speak. Because I've caused this problem by pushing him away, making him unhappy, &having the bad timing of bringing it up NOW.... while he's upset over losing his job of 16 years.

It's hell.
I wish I had kept my mouth shut longer, gotten my ducks in a row much more than I did.
If you plan to confront. ... Like everything else in this crappy situation. .. make sure you don't run off emotions, & you put some real thought into the process and how to protect yourself.

I thought getting cheated on was the worst thing last month. That was nothing compared to this....

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 4:44 PM, March 28th (Friday)]

MovingUpward posted 3/28/2014 11:04 AM

now I do not have access to our old joint account

Call the bank and call a women's shelter. The bank may help you regain access to the account. (document everything). And the women's shelter might be able to tell you if this is considered abuse and how to better protect yourself going forward.

BtraydWife posted 3/28/2014 11:08 AM

I know things are bad now but NEVER wish you hadn't stood up for yourself. Never.

Maybe you could have planned things better but you believed confronting him would change things.

Don't allow yourself to get down on yourself about this. Now you know better and you can do better.

He's just turning out to be a bigger asshole than you realized and you have a lot more standing up for yourself to do.

Always come here. You'll get good advice and support.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 11:09 AM, March 28th (Friday)]

damnUnicorns posted 3/28/2014 11:27 AM

Thanks for the quick replies!
BtraydWife, I'm trying to remember that it was for the best & that I didn't prepare better because I never in a million years thought the person he is today existed. My fault. I'm paying for that ignorance now.

Moo-he moved his direct deposit & the remaining money to a personal account that I can't access, since I took half the money (after bills cleared) in the joint account on DDay just in case he tried to kick me out/go nuts.
I am stuck here until the house sells. He's making NO move to do anything legally, however. Lawyer I consulted said stay here until finances improve.
He's not violent, just emotionally cruel. Sadly , I grew up in an emotionally (& physically) abusive home, so I can withstand it so long as I can bitch here about it.
I also don't believe living in a shelter would be better than here, nor do I want to leave behind my 3 dogs & adult daughter who live here too. They are all the family I have left. S living on his own doesn't want to get involved, He said "The situation doesn't make me happy. .. but it's your lives. I'm Switzerland".
I don't blame him, He loves us both.
but it hurts to not get some SUPPORT somewhere.
I feel like I'M the one who's done wrong. Everyone, except DD, still treats H fine, because no one knows. I don't want to expose because they are H family anyway, I know they'll stick with him. It's how it's happened with other divorces in their family.

Luckily, I've located affordable group relationship break up counseling. I'm starting next week.
Otherwise I feel pretty STUCK both emotionally & literally.
I can not believe myself that I want to R with this guy! Not that he wants to...
I always said screwing someone else was a deal breaker for me, it always had been in the past with boyfriends. But,then again, I wasn't married to them for half my life, either.
I also wasn't middle aged, unemployed, or partially disabled then either.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 3:36 PM, March 28th (Friday)]

lilacs40 posted 3/28/2014 11:42 AM

((Damnunicorns))

I'm sorry things are so shirty. As the others have said do not feel sorry that you confronted him. He is an asshole and you deserve better. Things suck now but they won't always. I know you don't want to leave but you do have to make sure you are doing the best for yourself.

Good luck and hang in there!!

hummingbird8 posted 3/28/2014 12:45 PM

I think you should talk to another lawyer. There are ways to get out of being stuck, if we want to.

silverhopes posted 3/28/2014 12:53 PM

I think you should talk to another lawyer.

I second this. The lawyer you spoke to said to try to reconcile until finances improve. That plan didn't work, and your H has cut off from your means of livelihood. There must be another solution. Your livelihood should not be compromised.

(((hugs)))

damnUnicorns posted 3/28/2014 15:47 PM

Thanks for the hugs. ..I need them. I was thinking about consulting 2 more lawyers, just to get a broader spectrum of legal opinion. I guess I should get on that.

I hate this whole thing. I wish he'd just wake the F up! They are not only ruining our family, the OW is married with kids/grands.

To be dumped for a "lesbian" (altho he swears that's NOT why he wants to D) too? Wow. Ego slammer. I know I'm not "pretty" or thin, and am kind of a tomboy-ish type. I love jeans/shorts, T shirts & flip flops. I like casual. Plus anything to do with cars , boating, fishing, tattoos, dogs/animals, home repair projects,etc . Doing our man cave garage was FUN, I thought.

But now I'm wondering if I'm more butch than I thought? She's the "wife" in the marriage she's in, but still...it has me questioning how I come off. Since D day I feel compelled to dress up, wear make up, PROVE I'm not some butchy slouch. I feel so awkward in my own skin anymore.

Someone who knows us both described her as "weird" &"butch" BEFORE I mentioned her being gay & sleeping with my H (only person I've told everything...he's remotely connected to all 3 of us & it just spilled out as I ran into him 20 min. after I confronted H).

She's "bubbly" into dressing up for Rennisance Faires & going out dancing (her theme song is "sexy & i know it" . He always told me I was fat. I've lost 60 pounds the lady 2 years. BUT... She outweighs me by 50+ lbs!). Shes also a"career woman". She works in a professional capacity. That's what she's got over me.
I've struggled with depression most of my life, am naturally a bit of a pessimist (ha! just a little ).
I felt my staying home/raising 2 GOOD kids & making a comfortable, inviting, loving home was my contribution to our family.
It didn't count, in his eyes, as making a "real effort in life".

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 4:25 PM, March 28th (Friday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 3/28/2014 16:02 PM

I saw several attorneys and got their advice.

Starting counseling is going to help alot.

I went to the domestic violence center in my city for counseling. (Emotional abuse IS domestic violence). I got free counseling, free clothes, help with my deposit for my apartment, and they have connections with lawyers to help.

You may find out there is alimony in your state that he would have to pay out of his unempl, etc.

Lastly,, while he is gone this weekend, out him to the OW's girlfriend. It's the right thing to do, I have learned on this site.

Keep posting here,, I was in a dark hole like this one time, also. The counselor at the domestic violence center was, too, and she said she promised herself if she ever got out, she would help other women.

We're here for you, keep posting.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:03 PM, March 28th (Friday)]

damnUnicorns posted 3/28/2014 16:22 PM

Thank you! I will see what resources I can tap into. I never thought about women's shelter resources outside of a place to stay in a dire emergency!

The lawyer I consulted did say I WOULD get alimony, but suggested I wait until he was working again to file & request it (god, I feel like a treacherous ass scheming that!!)... in order to get the best support, which is likely to be long term given the length of our marriage , my lack of work history, his work history, & my physical limitations.

Scary....
He's threatened to never work again to avoid paying alimony. His brother did just that to avoid child support.20 years later he still isn't working. Choose to never his kids again & be homeless instead.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 4:22 PM, March 28th (Friday)]

damnUnicorns posted 3/28/2014 16:29 PM

I have the OW BWs email address for work ... guess OW should have thought about that when friending me on FB a year before hooking up w/my H & pretending to be MY friend.

Any suggestions on what to say? I kind of want to do it anonymously just to keep the shit from raining down on me any further. .. but still getting the info into the other BSs hands.
My H told me she's suspicious BEFORE I confronted and learned the truth. Tried to play it off. They were "just carpooling" & "just friends"" after all.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 4:30 PM, March 28th (Friday)]

Mousse242 posted 3/29/2014 10:52 AM

If she's hooking up with your WH she's bi but in a lesbian relationship.

See another lawyer or two. A shelter can help you with legal advice too.

Him withholding the finances will NOT look good for him in court. Plus you can file for immediate child support and worry about the rest later. Whether he's working or not, the fact he has funds available - and you can access that information via a court order - shows he has the means to help support her. Plus I would guess he's getting some kind of unemployment.

Do the 180 on his ass. Do NOTHING for him. Don't do his laundry, errands, cooking, etc.

It sounds like he's in his "I'm pissed because I got caught and I'm no longer in control." phase hence him not contributing financially.

Take back control of the situation. ((hugs))

Virginiagirl posted 3/29/2014 11:38 AM

He always told me I was fat. I've lost 60 pounds the lady 2 years. BUT... She outweighs me by 50+ lbs!

^^Look at this. Imagine if a friend of yours came to you with this. What would you say if your own insecurities weren't whispering in your other ear??

It's all excuses. His own excuses. Obviously he was putting you down when really the problem was his own. The problem WAS NOT YOU. It was allllll him! You could have lost 200 pounds, put on skirts and won Miss America- doesn't matter. It doesn't have anything to do with you!!!!!

I'm a jeans and tshirt girl too. Always been self-conscious about my lack of femininity. BUT I always thought my WH liked how I wasn't a girly-girl, didn't take 1 hr to get ready etc. Then on dday I heard "It gets old being married to a tomboy. Just some advice for your future relationships, it wouldn't kill you to wear a dress sometimes"

ASSHOLE!! Now I DO dress up more, and he won't get to "enjoy" it. So there.

damnUnicorns posted 3/29/2014 15:26 PM

Thanks for the laugh at the end Virginiagirl. I was bawling reading your response prior to the last couple of lines.
I liked getting dressed up, just rarely got to... and was fine with that. But, like you said, I have those fears whispering in my ear. H even suggested I was gay a couple months back cause I said some woman on tv was "gorgeous" ( aren't most? I didn't think it was THAT big a stretch to say so).
And yes, I guess she is "bi" as she was married to a man & had children when younger. I say "lesbian" because that wad the lifestyle she was living with her wife for years & years until she felt she had to do my H. I mean gay pride parades &being "out" at work, the like.

Our kids are grown. There will be no child support. I should get alimony. His severance ends in June, then it's unemployment only for income. The lawyer suggested filing then, if I couldn't hang on, because I could file free & access a local program that might help me fill out the paperwork myself as we can't afford lawyers.
THis consult was the day after d Day to be fair. I had some money in the bank from our joint account, & I had no idea he'd withhold ALL the money thereafter.

He went away this weekend & did ask if I had any money. I told him no & he transferred a bit to the joint account. I immediately went to the grocery store & got some cash back. So I squirreled that away. It's not a lot, but it's better than nothing!

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 3:30 PM, March 29th (Saturday)]