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Curiosity (lacking)

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Ivyivy posted 3/28/2014 12:47 PM

So the crappy MC (that was also WH's IC) was all about how I lack curiosity to find out what happened and why WH had an A. Now I get these comments regarding my lack of curiosity and how I refuse to compromise from WH as well.

From my perspective, I am not interested or curious about any of the excuses that WH had to rationalize his behavior. I do not see reasons - all I see are excuses and blameshifting.

I get crap about how he could not talk to me/was afraid to talk to me/did not know how to talk to me, etc. Apparently, the way to fix that is to have a LTA. Clearly that has solved his problem and made everything better for all involved.

I guess my issue is that I cannot even listen to this because in my mind, if he could not talk to me, he had several options: (1) IC/MC and (2) separation/divorce. He chose a third option where he basically checked out of the marriage for several years until he got caught.

I cannot get past the A to even begin to discuss any other issues. Is my perspective just completely wrong? I feel so stuck.

[This message edited by Ivyivy at 1:30 PM, March 28th, 2014 (Friday)]

norabird posted 3/28/2014 13:06 PM

If you don't feel he is owning it (and his IC does not seem to force him to do so), then I understand why you don't even really engage about the topic.

lilacs40 posted 3/28/2014 13:11 PM

I got the same excuse from WH. He never told me what was wrong because he didn't want to fight.

I don't think your perspective is wrong. Does he show remorse? Did he tell you the whole truth? What is it your are refusing to compromise on?

Maybe this is just a deal breaker for you?

twisted posted 3/28/2014 16:42 PM

I had a MC, and she wasn't bad, she never blamed me for the WW crap, in fact she looked at me and basically said, Really? You're really gonna try to make this work?" and indicated that she thought chances were slim and none that it would last.
Somehow it did, but barely. We seem more like roommate with privileges than married, but I never did think it would be the same anyway. The MC wasn't a whole lot of help but did open the door and led a through a dialog.
I think we did decide the main part of her malfunction was her childhood and behaviors that she used to cope and control people in her peer group, ie: center of attention, company slut, etc.

That said, it doesn't change the universal truth that people cheat because they want to and they think they can get away with it.
The "why" I think helps me realize that this person I married is screwed up, is flawed, is mentally malfunctioning. To understand it requires you to detach and look at them as an organism. It's not emotional or personal, it's a survival mechanism because of a narcissistic compulsion of some sort.
Then again, maybe it's me that just needs to put a closure tag on that aspect of it in order to get thru it!

[This message edited by twisted at 4:44 PM, March 28th (Friday)]

sisoon posted 3/28/2014 16:46 PM

Are you saying the A is a deal killer for you, that there's no possibility for R?

There's nothing wrong with that. I've met some wonderful people here who D'ed without trying R. That was the right choice for them, and if it's the right course for you, there's no need to force yourself to try R.

Or are you saying you'd jump into R if only your H made some changes? If this is the case, what changes are you looking for?

This is a case where many different choices are highly moral. You're really free to choose what's best for you.

Dreamboat posted 3/28/2014 17:01 PM

Excuses and reasons are not "why". I think that sometimes when a BS ask why they had an A, the WS goes to the excuses and reasons because that is what they used to justify the A.

The question is not "Why did the WS have an A". IMO, it is "Why did the WS allow themselves to cross boundaries in such a way that allowed them to hurt their spouse, the person they loved enough to M?"

It is easy to fall back on excuses. It is hard to look in the mirror and evaluate why you are broken.

heforgotme posted 3/28/2014 21:28 PM

WHYs are important. Unfortunately I don't think this MC is talking about true WHYS but just excuses and justifications.

It is important for your WS to find his whys. And it's helpful to R for him to share them with you. His issues that led to his broken-ness and how he's planning to fix that.

But I don't think this MC has that degree of depth. I think he/she would prefer to find surface "causes" that are nothing more than justifications.

Your perspective on this is not wrong. You are right on target. Trust your instincts.

Katz13 posted 3/28/2014 23:18 PM

Ivy ivy
Most days I can't get past the affair to even look at other issues either. When I asked my WH in front of my MC the why question, the MC basically answered for him. He said he was a selfish ass that became obsessed with his fantasyworld. The minute the secret was out, the land of rainbows turned to crap.
I don't even know if why is important at this point. I feel better if I think about how as in how are you going to fix what you destroyed.

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