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Newest Member: Helpless211 (45755)

User Topic: I checked his email...
Audrina
♀ 31522
Member # 31522
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and noticed a trail of emails between him and a female student( she is late 40's) exchanging some info on academic related program he is offering.
He is answering questions.

The content of the emails is about info on the program. He also asked her if she can mark his papers nxt semester. (he always hires someone to mark papers). And she has marked for him before.

The exchange of info is fine but what does not sit comfortably with me is that it's just all too "friendly"....meaning that she signs off her emails with "Meow" and him with "Woof" in a jokey way.


which by the way has always been an inside joke between US.

Man, I am pissed.

Not sure how to handle this.

Is he stupid or what??

What would you do?


Me (betrayed): 35
Him:45


Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is flirting and starting down the slippery slope again. I would tell him if he wants to be single go ahead. You won't be home when he gets back.

Audrina I don't know your story but if it was me this would be unacceptable. I'd walk. I mean, after an affair, this is just NOT the way to communicate with other females. Absolutely no flirting. Put your foot down.

Have you had boundaries talks? Been in MC?

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:29 PM, March 28th (Friday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5535 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
annb
♀ 22386
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^Ditto to rachelc.

These comments are flirtatious and do not belong in a professional conversation.

I have seen most of my WH emails since my D-Day in 2005, there has NEVER been an instance of being overly friendly, strictly professional.

It would be a real boundary issue for me, and I'd call him out on it.


Posts: 7636 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
NoMorDeceit
♀ 23547
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call him on it.

My husband is a professor and this would be completely unacceptable in our relationship. You need to make your boundary requirements clear. My husband is to be uber-professional at all times. I don't care if his "rebuff" of over friendliness makes the females he works with upset either. I do not care. Those sign-offs are not acceptable and you are right to put your foot down.

Oh and he can find another student to mark his papers next term...period. Amen.

Check his cell-phone and look for calls to this student. They seem pretty chummy.

[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 8:46 PM, March 28th (Friday)]


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 568 | Registered: Apr 2009
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to wonder what gives him the ok to be flirting with her.

You guys have been in R about 4 years right? Hell if he doesn't understand boundaries by now what exactly does he need to get it?

Inappropriate at best.

He should not have females marking his papers. Period.

You have to decide what it means for you.

I would be hurt...I think it might set off some sleuthing, but it would depend on what my gut was telling me....what is yours saying? You know him best.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
determinata
42124
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to hear about this, Audrina. God knows I'm not qualified to give anyone advice but to me it seems flirtatious and inappropriate. It's time to have a serious conversation with him about boundaries. I hope there is nothing more to it than a lapse in judgment but only time and exploration will tell. Be well.


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Audrina
♀ 31522
Member # 31522
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, bigtime inappropriate.
My gut has been pretty reliable in the past.
I don't think he is cheating on me but I do think that there was a boundary crossed here.

I thought he would have learned this by now!
Do I have to spell things out? What is he, 5?

I'm going to go to sleep and think about what to do tomorrow.


Me (betrayed): 35
Him:45


Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO he knows what he is doing.

I think what you need to think about is do you want to babysit him ?

After this amount of time it isn't about knowing, it's about lack of respect to you....


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Lowlow
♀ 38653
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CALL HIM OUT!!! No student interacts with their professor with "meows" at the end of emails! That's unprofessional. Being in the same sitch as you (pls read my profile) and if it were me, I would insist the relationship (professional and unprofessional) end. Otherwise, you go straight to the department head. Most universities have strict policies regarding inappropriate relationships between students and profs.

And also from experience,my WS was using the same sign offs in their email correspondence with his student as he did with me....that's when they were fucking. TJ- shows how unoriginal they are.


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 251 | Registered: Mar 2013
Hatemyhusband
41633
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No flirting is acceptable. It all starts as flirting. In fact, my husband started w flirty emails. Even though she was so openly flirty w every man, he responded flirtatiously and I belie it let her know she can purse him

He worked on her roof. He emailed. "Let dog out. Doggy snores"
And she responded "u made me giggle". Ughh

And he referred another contractor who is hot. He said "behave"

Flirting is wrong. It opens doors. Bottom line


Posts: 389 | Registered: Dec 2013
Audrina
♀ 31522
Member # 31522
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exacly!!! I find this flirting.

I haven't said anything yet.

I want to check his phone and records first.


Me (betrayed): 35
Him:45


Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
Lowlow
♀ 38653
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, Why do you need more evidence? Do you think it's something more? (I guess if the answer is "yes" then maybe look for more evidence)

So sorry you are here.


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 251 | Registered: Mar 2013
Audrina
♀ 31522
Member # 31522
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I don't think I'll find anything more.

But you just never know...


Me (betrayed): 35
Him:45


Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
Lowlow
♀ 38653
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look, then ask.

I hate this. I will always question the intensions of all my husband's students, and that's not fair to them, him or us. But now I'm always on guard.

No one talks to their prof like that unless boundaries are crossed. The power relations at university are too strong.


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 251 | Registered: Mar 2013
Audrina
♀ 31522
Member # 31522
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look, then ask.
I hate this. I will always question the intensions of all my husband's students, and that's not fair to them, him or us. But now I'm always on guard.

No one talks to their prof like that unless boundaries are crossed. The power relations at university are too


I can so relate to what you wrote. I hate his university job just for this very reason!
There will always be some student who will try to flirt for a better grade or have a crush.
But I also know it is HIS job to respect boundaries and not cross any line.


Me (betrayed): 35
Him:45


Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
whattheh
♀ 40032
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Inappropriate. He is risking his job and family's financial if he has inappropriate interactions with students.

I would ask if he can only work with male students since he has trouble with boundaries and is unable to keep it at a professional level with female students.

[This message edited by whattheh at 11:59 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 590 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Lowlow
♀ 38653
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WT, I'm not sure her WS can do that. Women comprise 2/3 of all students at university, even in traditional "masculine" disciplines like the natural sciences. He can, however, ask discretely that she not be assigned as his teaching assistant.

Furthermore, if she is a grad student, WS should not serve on her thesis committee, ever, no matter how "essential" he is to her research. This minimizes the interaction between them.

I would make these the minimum boundaries given his previous behaviour. I'm one year out from DD and if it were me, I would be LIVID

And no one "meows" at their prof.... This is a boundary already crossed.


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 251 | Registered: Mar 2013
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Audrina,
Totally not ok. I teach at a college, and under no circumstances would I sign an email off to a student with "Woof" or "Meow." Even writing it makes me laugh.

And if this chickie isn't going to take him up on his flirting, someone else will. I think it is a myth that there are all these hot, young coeds out there looking to bag profs, though. I think there are profs out there looking to be bagged.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 1:32 PM, March 29th (Saturday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2158 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In addition to it being flirtatious he is also using a sign off that the two of you go to as well? That would really piss me off (more).

Confront.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2616 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
silverhopes
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The exchange of info is fine but what does not sit comfortably with me is that it's just all too "friendly"....meaning that she signs off her emails with "Meow" and him with "Woof" in a jokey way.


which by the way has always been an inside joke between US.

How the hell did YOUR inside joke end up in THEIR emails? Did he share that it was your sign off and then they started using it, or something? Sounds like he crossed a line much earlier than just now…

In addition to it being flirtatious he is also using a sign off that the two of you go to as well? That would really piss me off (more).
Confront.


I second LA44.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3921 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

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