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Ivyivy posted 3/28/2014 22:15 PM

Does anyone else just wish that they could be with someone other than their WS and feel attractive again? I am so sick of everything having to do with WH and although still in limbo seem to be moving in the direction of D. I just want a moment where I feel good about myself again. I do not see that happening if I stay where I am. I will always wonder and question. Note that this is my rant after a glass of wine and the affair diet (no interest in food again).

karmahappens posted 3/28/2014 22:20 PM

Feeling good about you doesn't happen because of who you are standing with.

It happens when you are standing alone, strong, independent, knowing you are enough.

Because you are.

You just need to get there.

No man (or woman) will ever be worth more than your own self, please be good to you.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:21 PM, March 28th (Friday)]

Ivyivy posted 3/28/2014 22:26 PM


Thanks for your response. What you said is so true but so hard to do in practice. We all have our demons and in so many ways the world around us defines us no matter what we think.

karmahappens posted 3/28/2014 22:29 PM

We all have our demons

I had demons, we all have them.

That's why the most important thing to do as a BS after an affair is to get into a good IC.

Work through them and leave them behind....and you won't think this way any longer

in so many ways the world around us defines us no matter what we think

gypsybird87 posted 3/28/2014 22:30 PM

Hi Ivy,

Can I share your wine? After a long week I could use a glass too.

I so get what you're saying. My situation is different than yours- he left immediately, moved in with OW and literally never looked back. Talk about a blow to the self-esteem!! I've never felt so unwanted in all my life: physically, sexually, emotionally, pretty much in every way.

What I've learned over the last year is that you have to find a way to validate yourself. Of course it feels good when someone notices you, but that should be a boost to your confidence, not your only source of confidence. As karma said, you already are enough, you already are beautiful and amazing. Your WS cannot take that from you any more than a new partner could give it to you.

Be happy, ivy.

plainpain posted 3/29/2014 00:38 AM

I feel that way all the time. It's actually a trigger for me... because as much as I now feel old and undesirable and vulnerable, knowing my WH chose a woman half my age and four years older than our daughter, I know that I would never betray my vows just to feel sexually validated as a woman. I'm not broken enough to believe that having another person want to have sex with me makes me valuable. My WH did exactly that. I hate that the only person I turn to for sexual validation is the person who de-valued me. I never feel pretty any more. Ever. My husband could tell me a thousand times that I'm beautiful, and it is meaningless words to me now. OW was, in his words, prettier than me and 'very, VERY beautiful' (except that she actually was quite average)... and those words can never be unspoken.

An awful lot of people apparently will have sex with any one who pays them enough attention - the more broken you are, the lower your standards. My WH's 'very very beautiful' mistress was a half blind, chronically ill, drug dealer from the wrong side of town. Personally, I don't want to wake up one day shaking the ugly side of the 'they affair down' stick.

Do I want to be loved, desired, craved, treasured? Of course. Do I want to prove to myself, my WH and the world that I could have done 'better' than the broken down wayward that I chose? Yes. But life is so short. If everyone leaves, and I will still be left with myself. I can respect myself. I can look in the mirror. I do know who I am and what I am worth.

Sadmumma posted 3/29/2014 06:38 AM

Great response karma happens.......

Ivy.. Have you thought about treating yourself to the salon? Maybe a girly day where you buy yourself a new outfit, get a new hair do and a manicure?

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