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Newest Member: ChaosRider (45729)

User Topic: Trial separation leading to confirmed R
Teabelly
♀ 42497
Member # 42497
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello

I remember reading sometime ago and I can't remember who posted it, about a couple who had a trial separation, then started dating again, and then some time afterwards, moved back in together to continue their R in earnest.

Has anyone else done this? Or has anyone else had a trial separation which actually then meant to reconnect was much harder? Or then never moved back together?

My situation - my WS has now been living out for nearly 2 months although the first month was a hotchpotch of spare beds in friends and colleagues houses. Now it's a studio apartment where he has signed a 3 month lease.

We are spending no time together whilst we are in IC and we are evaluating what we both want. He sees the kids twice a week which I find hard, as inevitably I am tense and get stressed when he comes to the house. Although IC has helped me tremendously with that so I am now finding it easier. I have refused to talk about kids, money or our M when he comes to the house as that is his time to be with our kids and the house is my safe zone. Until our communication improves, I have asked for any talks about those subjects to be on neutral territory. Which means the ball is in his court and typically, he's not being proactive! So we have a big backlog of admin that needs to be discussed, but I am digging my heels in as one of the main issues in our M was that I became more and more the manager and not me, Taebelly. Again, IC is really helping me with this.

Anyway we have had a few sessions of MC which will continue. I suppose in my old manager role, I'm itching to start work on the M, get moving, get sorting, etc etc. so my big personal hurdle is to slow down, take time, focus on me. It's a work in progress!

Anyone else been in this situation?


Me BS - 43
Him WH (Coffeebelly) - 49
Married 19 years, together 20
3 kids, 15, 13, 8
DD 21st Jan 2014. 2 year EA/ PA with old flame from teen years
Still unsure of what's going to happen next, living as an expat in the Far East away from hom

Posts: 35 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: UK
SI Staff
10
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping so others can read and respond.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, years ago my H and I were separated. He left because he 'wasn't happy', and I later found out it was to be with an OW. We separated and I spent the next few months working on me, dealing with life as a single mom at 28 with two very young children.

We were in contact the whole time, figuring out the kid stuff and navigating things. He was dragging his heels (cake eating I guess you could say), and I was telling him that if you don't want MC let's move forward with D.

After about two months he wanted to move back in.

I agreed after awhile with a few conditions (STD testing, MC and IC). There was no SI back then so we made a lot of mistakes. He wasn't NC with OW and I made too many concessions. We rugswept a lot.

I guess you could say that things worked out at the time, but I wish we had SI.

Years later I cheated. I had a lot of unresolved issues and I think the rugsweeping and a crappy MC and IC prevented us from getting to the real issues.

Finally now, things are where they should be. It takes a lot of deep digging, but it's doable.

Good luck.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38665 | Registered: Sep 2007
Alexisk17
♀ 39566
Member # 39566
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After Dday I asked WH to move out as he wouldn't stop seeing OW. He said he "didn't know what he wanted" and it's was better for us to be separate.

I had a difficult time setting boundaries but eventually grew a back bone and set some ground rules. He could only come by twice a week to see the kids (on set days of the week). We would not discuss money, etc while the kids were around. He wouldn't make time for these conversations so I would email him.

For two months I hoped he would change his mind and come home. Then one day I lost hope. I told him I was done and moving on. I was moving forward with a divorce and contacting a lawyer the next week. Two days later he showed up on my doorstep in tears. He begged for forgiveness.

We started dating again. He would come by every day after work, have dinner, help with bedtime and then visit with me after the kids were in bed. He was not allowed to spend the night or move in yet. We went to weekly MC sessions. After 2 months of dating we decided to move back in together.

R has been going well, a few speedbumps along the way but WH has been a model wayward. Looking back, I wish I had 180 sooner than I did. Not for the purpose of a quicker R but for my own sanity. Sitting around waiting for him to make up his mind was demeaning and deflating. I deserved so much better. I let him get away with do much and didn't set boundaries with the kids because I didn't want to push him away. The truth is I should have been much more concerned with looking after myself and kids than trying to win WH back.


BS (me) - 27
WH - 28
2 sons (born 2010 & 2013)
Married: 2009
Dday: March 2013
R: May 2013

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
MomtoRoses
♀ 42271
Member # 42271
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY wh and I are currently separated, hoping for reconcilliation . He has to get a new job away from one of his ap, before he can move back home. It's been hard.


i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 5

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