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Justified affairs

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broken313 posted 3/29/2014 02:29 AM

I struggle now as a person who is coming to terms with my FWH affair to have detached conversations about an A. Some of my friends were talking about how an A was justified if the AP was a true soulmate, the couple had a strong connection, and if they were unhappy in their marriage.
Before dday I probably would have said the same, maybe. I was wondering what you guys thought about this? We convince ourselves the AP was inferior etc, would it have been ok if they were perfect for your partner?

Nature_Girl posted 3/29/2014 02:38 AM

Those friends sound like idiots.

CheshCat posted 3/29/2014 03:04 AM

Its COMPLETELY justified ...

If you're honorable & divorce first.

Of course, catch22, that means the affair never happened.


People like to believe that the ends justify the means.
They say they don't
But as a species... We look at something good, and it MUST have come from good. So if it's a good marriage, it means the affair was justified. Meanwhile. Bad, and it came from bad. Clearly, the obnoxious kid has bad parents.


Not that simple.

Good things are born from tragedy, and tragedy follows the best actions.

It does a disservice to all to equate morality with results.
Good results do NOT mean the way one got them was justified.

The ends simply don't justify the means.



standinghere posted 3/29/2014 03:32 AM


justified if the AP was a true soulmate, the couple had a strong connection, and if they were unhappy in their marriage

Is justification for friendship certainly, for divorce perhaps at times (that can be wife and I've had our troubles but I didn't go looking for a soul mate to help me in my life).

But affairs, they are one thing, and one thing only.

Affairs are betrayal, of a most insidious type.

Your friends don't know shit. Just like me, before my dday.

I thought I knew what it would be like, I had no clue. Before that, I would never have wanted to visit that on to my wife. Now, now that I truly know what it feels like, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

karmahappens posted 3/29/2014 04:37 AM

ignorance is bliss....

Credence posted 3/29/2014 04:40 AM

Nothing can justify the pain and emotional damage that an affair has on a BS. It's like trying to justify domestic abuse - it is NEVER acceptable!!!

nomistakeaboutit posted 3/29/2014 06:16 AM

The opinions and attitudes of your friends nicely illustrate why infidelity is so prevalent. Many people think this way, obviously.

I,still go back to the wedding vows. Ask your friends if they had this exception clause written-in to the vows they spoke during their weddings. Ask them also if they would be ok if their spouse cheated under those circumstances.

It's uninformed, morally bankrupt, shallow thinking.

Sadmumma posted 3/29/2014 06:23 AM

That is total BS in my honest opinion, and it sounds
Ike your friends are priming themselves for their own affair.

No affair is justified. Ever. Period.

If you are not happy, leave. End. Of. Story.

Mom4ever posted 3/29/2014 06:44 AM

nomistakeaboutit summed it up perfectly I think.

If you are not happy, want to look for a soulmate, want to date and see what other options are out there (not that any of that is right), then divorce your spouse first, period. That at least shows respect to them and to yourself. Cheating is a choice. Decisions are made, even if they are made in a split second. There are consequences to all decisions.

I also agree with Nature_Girl, those friends do sound like idiots. If that's truly how they feel, sounds like they are totally open to having affairs themselves if someone comes along and peaks their interest. Do you really think if they were betrayed in this manner by their spouse they would just shrug it off and say, oh, it's ok, you know they just had a stronger connection than we did... I'm fine with it because I want my spouse to be happy and have whatever and/or whoever they want whenever they want them... or, well, I was wrong when I thought we were soulmates because my spouse has assured me that they have found their true soulmate now and I wish them the best? I don't think so. I think they would be just as devastated, hurt, and angry as the rest of us.

Howie posted 3/29/2014 06:59 AM

No, the lies and deception -making another person a slave of untruth,are never justified.Period.

StorybookGirl42 posted 3/29/2014 07:06 AM

Affairs are not justified, period.

If you are in a relationship that you are unhappy in, feel your needs are not being met, meet someone you'd rather be with, etc...GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP.

That simple.

Thing is, when people have affairs, it isn't based in reality, typically. It is all about the fantasy and the clandestine stuff. It's exciting and fun, but the idea of actually leaving their relationship scares the bejeezus out of them. Why? Because deep down they know that the fling likely won't stand up to reality if they were having a legit relationship.

There are always exceptions to the rule on that last bit, though. My dad couldn't stop cheating on my mom through their marriage. She finally threw him out after catching him and his last fling in bed together. They've now been married for 30 years. I still resent the fact that my dad broke so many promises to my mom. He even says their marriage failed mostly because of him, because he never did follow through on any of the things he should have done and doesn't blame my mom for divorcing him.

My husband, knowing this, made a promise to never cheat on me. I told him not to make a promise he couldn't keep. He swore he wasn't. He cheated on me. I still haven't forgiven him for that broken promise.

jpumpkin posted 3/29/2014 07:31 AM

I hate that soul mate crap. I've never bought into it. Not even when I was young and naive. Here's the thing: if you are doing what your suppose to do and honoring your spouse, you have boundaries that would keep you from ever getting to know someone in such a way that would lead you to believe they were your soul mate. So just finding a "soul mate" in the first place outside of your spouse is an unjustifiable act.

justinpaintoday posted 3/29/2014 07:58 AM

Sounds like justification for selling your soul to the devil.

Integrity is the value at hand here. If you cheat you violate the very foundation of your character.

nomistakeaboutit posted 3/29/2014 08:14 AM

T/j......and to add to what justinpain just said, it is that, the betraying of your character,,which should bring about snot dripping, begging for forgiveness, true feelings of remorse. When remorse is not present, you can't help but question someone's True character.
T/j over.

4everfaithful83 posted 3/29/2014 10:01 AM

I probably said something similar to this before my DDAY - but now I know better. Your friends aren't BS I take it? Ignorance is bliss.

kate0421 posted 3/29/2014 10:09 AM

Thus is why I HATE HATE HATE how movies and shows make A justified for true love. I believe it's were alot of people get their POS. I've never thought that shit was ok. Get divorced. Then start dating. Ugg

Chrysalis123 posted 3/29/2014 10:09 AM


clearly confused
jumbo shrimp
random order
pretty ugly
small crowd
short wait
tiny elephant
quiet presence
sweet agony

kate0421 posted 3/29/2014 10:10 AM

Point of view*

cancuncrushed posted 3/29/2014 10:12 AM

Those friends will probably be on this site someday....With a whole new perspective...I personally have learned not to be so opinionated and try to offer several outlooks, because you cant know until you experience these things...You cant begin to imagine the trauma...

Wodnships posted 3/29/2014 10:14 AM

There is absolutely nothing that justifies an affair. Not one single thing. Zip. Nada. Nope. Not happening. Nothing.

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