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How do I feel ok again

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jupiter13 posted 3/29/2014 04:53 AM

I am 2 1/2 years out from D-Day. I do not feel special I feel robbed. I do not feel like I have a future with him or anyone for that matter my wants and dreams have been shattered. There is nothing else I wanted or needed from life than the ones I had. How do I sleep in the bed next to him and let him touch me knowing he was with someone else and she was better than me. She got to have my vows the promises he made the ring I wore the car I drive she got my life, while he made a mockery out of the promises I made him. Even the promises less than a month from when he went to her. He says it meant nothing he says he loves me he says he wants us he says all kinds of things but can not tell me the truth about what was said or done when and how. Then a year later he lies again in my face not about something important but lies just the same right up to the minute I find out the truth from someone else. He expects me to believe him now. He lied 8 years ago and I have been living that lie so now that I know I feel betrayed again and he wonders why it is in the past. I can not shack the loss of not having the faithful husband I once had and will never have again. You can not undo what has been done. I live everyday in a state of anxiety knowing I am not good enough to have a faithful husband nor do I feel that I have value when she got the best of him. I love him can not imagine life without him in it. He was my best friend but now I can't leave these feelings behind I can not get over what I have lost while he lost nothing he was not willing to loose. He gets the benefits of marriage while I get the remnants.

mbbd posted 3/29/2014 06:56 AM

I understand your loss all too well. You say you do not have a future with him or anyone else. I also took a significant blow to my self esteem thinking that she was better than me, that somehow she was able to get him to betray me. Truth is that he was broken, and so was our marriage at the time. I say this to you so that you take the focus off of you. Do not allow the thoughts that she was better than you. Close the door to the bathroom and look in the mirror and tell yourself wonderful things until you believe them. You can be strong.

I can also relate to your feelings that he has lost nothing. In IC and MC I struggled with this. Both counselors said that to think that my H has no consequence is blatantly incorrect but my own pain is stopping me from seeing his.

If you want to be with him, you should go at it full force to try to get the life you deserve.
I (we)am 17 months out and our hard work on both of our parts has made our marriage significantly different than it was. No, I am not at forgiveness yet. May never be. But I accept that it happened and understand from a logical standpoint why.

My life is too short to be unhappy. So is yours!

Hatemyhusband posted 3/29/2014 08:54 AM

2.5 years is a long time after DD. IMHO if make some radical moves- full R or separate. I hope that before that long I will do one or the other

Seems like u have to put ur heart in one of those and just working towards moving forward. Find happiness in yourself. If that means with him, try. If not, try to move on. Try and do it


sisoon posted 3/29/2014 12:06 PM

Gently, what are you doing to recover? Are you in IC?

What about your H - NC, IC, honest, transparent, MC?

I am not good enough to have a faithful husband

That sort of thinking is a giant trap, and it's absolutely untrue. You didn't fail - your H did. You're loving, lovable, capable, a fully worthwhile person - for a while at least, your H just didn't measure up to you or to anyone else - he gave up some of his humanity.

If you want to R, you need to give him the opportunity to win you back - you don't have to win him.

It sounds like you need help seeing these truths, and I think IC is about the only type of help that does what you need.

Also, you sound depressed to me, and you say you're anxious. Have you considered meds?

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:07 PM, March 29th (Saturday)]

jupiter13 posted 3/31/2014 01:48 AM

I am depressed I am also bi-polar and no medication now for years as I have learned to stabilize with diet, working out and being stress free. So of course it is acting up. I have redeveloped PTSD and I have anxiety issues that sometimes prevent me from leaving the house. Just getting milk from the store can be a 3 hour ordeal. I have low self esteem but not always. I am a very strong woman but have been so hurt. This time feels like the end of the road. Have been in IC since week one I have to have someone to hold on too or I could have gone out there even if I didn't want too because of bi-polar. I have tenancy to self-destruct in big ways. I know I know I know it is not me but the feeling sometimes feels like it is me. I have failed. I have long history of abuse and this is the first marriage/relationship I wanted to be in. We started a new MC yesterday and I have to say it was great. I did not think having a male dr. would be ok but it was. He said things differently than I would but meaning same thing and WH got it. We have treatment plan as none have ever talked about that before. Even he said I am strong woman just by listening to me talk. I was impressed and now hopeful. We will see if or what WH does it is in his corner now. I feel so resentful that WH will want to do things with me that he would never do before. I had been physically ill for a few years prior so now that the last surgery was done I am back on my feet. I still will never have my dreams or the things I wanted how can that be a good thing? Maybe for him he gets all this pat on back for changing and seeing the light. Look how attentive he is now, I have actually had a woman tell me "Oh my he's certainly a keeper." I wanted to laugh out loud and tell her she could have him. Thank you for replying. I should post some history he also beat me the night he told me what was going on while he was on drugs that she got for him.

Jrazz posted 3/31/2014 02:25 AM


I was going to capture some quotes of what you've posted, but all of it sounds painful and hard.

I don't think diet alone is going to get you back to ok.

I should post some history he also beat me the night he told me what was going on while he was on drugs that she got for him.

Honey, this is one of about nine things that are keeping you from ever being ok. He should not be getting the "benefits of marriage" from you. He should be in jail.

YOU should be getting medical attention that you need and deserve very much. Apart from your clinical diagnoses, you need to learn that you are worthy of love and faithfulness. You need to learn to love yourself. He does not define who you are or what you are worth.

I hurt for you. Being with him isn't better than being alone. Does your new MC know what he has done, or are you scared to say something to the MC for fear of repercussions? I worry for you. Please let us help get you to a safe place.

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